I AM OVER; DONE

[88]

... its been great to read this. I've had the same thing happen to me not long ago. then recently the same thing happened again. Its the single most terrifying experience of my life. I too feel as though I'm different and sometimes wish I never went down this road. This last time I was able to pull myself out of it. But it had me all over again and i freaked.

Felnik, brother, I remember reading your post, and thinking at the time it sounded very overwhelming ... but until now, I doubt I really had any idea what you meant. I've followed subsequent posts as well, and thought that your decision to try and take a shamanic approach to dealing with the experience was wise - it is in my opinion, the only knowledge base we humans have, the only thing approaching a map of hyperspace.

At the moment, I am realising we know nothing of the power of this realm. It is beyond us entirely, and we have no idea really what lies Within. We all see little bits - but it is an ocean, and we are swimming in tiny pools of it. There is deep knowledge in the Amazonian traditions, and in the major sacred texts we can find ways of preparing ourselves for the great tests that lie in this place; but still it is the enduring mystery that faces humankind; and particularly for us here with our new methods and culture. We have so much to learn, and yet we enter into this vast infinity with such ease.

There is a feeling of complete loss and splintering of the self into a million fractal fragments. there is a sense that something has zeroed in on you and is cold and evil beyond description swallowing you up and making you part of the fabric of hyperspace.

That's it exactly ... up until now I always thought, hyperspace is something I'm traversing, and my psyche is the vehicle. On this occasion, I became part hyperspace, it utterly subsumed me. Its power over me was total.

EDIT: I didn't find it was evil on this journey; it was neutral in terms of human experience, and that value is not one I feel would be an accurate description.

Probably the best thing to do is just stop doing it altogethor. I'm feeling this more and more.

That has been my decision. But I will forever know that It is There. Closing the door of the house will not stop the world on the other side from existing. If this is a portal to a spirit realm, or a space of shared consciousness, or is in any way a fundamental reality to which we must all return when we pass from this life, then I cannot ignore it. I could of course try to convince myself that it is merely a 'drug experience' but I know this won't wash. Even if it is not an objective reality, the very fact that spice, in conjunction with my brain, creates this experience is evidence to me of something far greater than our perception allows.

But, even if I go in again one day, I will still not understand it, nor feel I have learned its ways; because I know that it is completely beyond me. So for the moment, I choose not to go there again, but to rather attempt to implement some of what I learned.

The truth of the matter is that i'm pissed off about it. I can't get past the feeling. I am taking steps to learn how to protect myself some way.

I understand what you mean. I'm even starting to question the fundamental law of hyperspace - to surrender. What exactly are we surrendering to?

I have previously met entities so evil there was no way on earth I was going to surrender anything to them. It was "stand and fight" time; though on this occasion, there was absolutely no chance I could protect myself or choose what was to follow. I was a fly. It was a jumbo Jet. There was no amount of love, gratitude, surrender, humility or anything that would've altered the nature of what happened, imo.

My sense is that the secret may be to remain as neutral as possible like paying dead to a bear. if you are completely centered and focussed this thing cannot get you.

To go in with stillness of mind, and with total focus is no doubt the best chance we have of navigating and controlling the experience; however, there was no amount of focus or centredness that would have protected me. There was nothing left of me to focus, there was no "me" to have a centre. This was the most overwhelming aspect; that there really was absolutely nothing I could do.

I hope you find a way forward, and find happiness whatever you choose, brother.

much love

 

[ms_manic_minxx]

Thank you so much, 88, for taking the time to explain your experience and share. Your words are quite invaluable to others on the path, I appreciate it.

The "play possum" idea strongly resonates with me: the bits of ocean I have experienced are so strange, I have a tendency to psychologically be very still and observe strangeness in Embodied Life the same way (I feel it is generally positive, definitely conducive, but I am forever changed this way and there is no going back).

Chaliponga is also cold, insect, metallic, alien to me. Indifferent. (And no joke, I need 30+ grams of STRONG STOCK, oral, to feel the faintest tickle, strange plant indeed.)

I have to echo again, 88, that your words are extremely valued. Thank you. Wishing you love and peace.

 

[Ayawasqero]

I'm still in it. It feels like this may be forever. Whoever I was until now, I AM NO LONGER.

Who ever I become from this moment forth, I will never be the same again. I have been overwhelmed. "I" have died; died a thousand times. Gone. My body is still here, but right now I am a stranger to it; 'I' have no idea who 'I' am; I am gone forever. The end.

I believe this is the last time I will smoke DMT in any form. It is done. Whatever it was I thought I was looking for, it is found. I am changed. A new being; terrified, overwhelmed beyond words. A mere host for something much more powerful than whatever I used to be. A symbiant; reprogrammed.

I am dissolute. I must relearn everything from this moment forth.

Whoever reads this - beware. Be careful what you wish for. Do not underestimate the unbelievable power of this. It is beyond anything you have ever known. It is indescribable, awesome and terrifying.

This is beyond anything I have ever experienced in my life; a thousand times beyond; a million.

Does that mean You are ending with the DMT, dude?

When I was a younger man, I used to think I know everything about the spice from the anthropological literature. I didn´t know anything.

 

[88]

thank YOU mmm - I am truly grateful for your words and your input here on the Nexus; I love reading your reports, you have found such strength, healing and joy from this path. I think you are a most excellent human being!

I have come to realise that I got what I wanted; oblivion, and a new start. And I had been 'chasing it' ... a Punishable Offence in hyperspace. For now I've found great peace an purpose right here, and whatever I saw In There, it has changed me forever, but ultimately I believe for the good.

A friend said to me; you have coped with something others could never even dream of; everything else is easy.

Much, much love

 

[Al-Wasi]

88 Great post brother.

Three months back I was in a similar situation to you. I was in my back garage with my real good friend. Took 25g yellow caapi tea and about afew hours later I decided to venture on 50mg spice vaped in a chillum.

I layed back in my big comfy chair, had my buddy lit the herb...1st toke....hold..............second toke holldddddddd......BOOM!! everything started to symphonize in harmony around the garage...glaring over at my buddys holographic dancing portrait..i told him to light it ONCE more. Every part of my physical being started to envelop into the ether....and at that moment...the chillum is lit....one toke was all it took. As soon as I felt the molecule enter my mouth I knew instantly that something was about to transpire that was going to be more than i barganed for.

Dissolveee.....back....dissolveee....backkk...dissolveeee. That was the series of events that were happening to me. It had gotten to the point where my visual field eyes closed was no more or less intense than open. Completely in synch with this infinite harmonious vibration (super consciousness/etc). It went on for what seemed literally YEARS. But it all ended in about 10 minutes.

I didnt feel like I usually had in light to all the other jouneys I have had on breakthrough. I was just there...with this "infinite, pulsating mega structure of existence" It was the most beautiful but most terrifying thing I had ever seen. Terrifying just because I hadnt expected such a level of intensity compared to all my 300+ journeys.

Now after about 3 months of saying "never again" I find myself begging the question once again...beckoning....it's my nature as a human being....inquisitive....always pushing forward.. I am going back...

Its all about integration.

Much respect to you bro~

THIS!!!!!!^^^^^^^

As well as the OP . are no doubt why I started back upon the path. Although I am terrified of an experience such as this. I long for it at the same time. Unfortunately my life st the present moment demands that I attend to other things. I rarely have time to journey and seeing as I prefer to journey alone I find even less time when I feel the time is right.

I am too intrigued to this experience to deny myself it in this life. Who knows maybe it is only here we can experience such things. If so I'll be damned if I miss out regardless if how terrifying it may be. Ive been there before on LSD where it was so intense I knew I had to kill myself to make it end. This though seems so much more intense the fact you guys speak of the experience seeming like years or eternity is what truly instills fear in me.

However its posts like this that make me love it here. Hope all is well with everyone here.

Much love.

 

[darklordsson]

How was it if you don't mind me asking.

I've been through something too before that shot me out of existence, I didn't die, or did I? but it what I shaped into something better, I held on to my ideas and continued into the next. Came back with the knowledge of something ultimate, the omega.

My brother was sitting next to me and as I re-exited hyperspace or the "source" I recited exactly what it would say: " Im everything and nothing, I Exist Because I simply can, Im the beginning and the end, Im everything, and I am Nothing, I am who I am."

There's a huge mystery behind what I think we went through. I also think it may be similar to a huge degree. You saw the source. Very few ever do. Feel blessed not condemned for these actions you were touched by the holy one. The Universe, creator whatever you wanna call it. But you now know something very few know now...

God bless and Namaste Brother/Sister,

---dls---

 

[hardboiled]

I recited exactly what it would say: " Im everything and nothing, I Exist Because I simply can, Im the beginning and the end, Im everything, and I am Nothing, I am who I am."

I have experienced this. I Know this. I was. I Am. Always will be. Everything. Nothing. The One and the only manifesting and pretending to be many...pretending to be me.

Scary and ineffable alien beauty.

Peace & Love

 

[sØrce]

I AM. Always will be. Everything. Nothing. The One and the only manifesting and pretending to be many... (pretending) to be me.

[parenthesis inserted by editor]

^this 8)

Congratulations! You won. Would you like to play again?

-SØRCE