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I quit. Game over.

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joebono

joebono

Rising Star
I quit. Game over. I can’t smoke this stuff. What just happened to me is not normal. All of the mushrooms, pharmahuasca, cactus, salvia ,and LSA seeds could not have prepared me for the utter insanity and panic that I just experienced. You have got to be fucking kidding me, a smoked breakthrough bears no resemblance, no relation, no similarities, NOTHING to any other psychedelic drug. It is playing with the gods and they like to fuck around. There is no theme, no prior example to prepare yourself, nothing you can do to get ready for the complete lunatic curveball that this shit hurls.

All I know is that I was in the bedroom yelling to make it stop, that it wasn’t right, that it wasn’t normal. I think I was screaming. Oh God, the neighbors must think I am a crazy asshole – and what if they were to call the police? I was grasping and begging to get myself back. It was terrifying. I left the room and walked into the kitchen and here the whole fucking place became electrified with crazy colors and everything in front of me looked as if some nutjob artist went ballistic. And it wouldn’t stop, everything just became alive with energy and power and life. These visuals were like NOTHING I have ever witnessed – just pulsating violently. I was completely and totally immersed in between these two worlds. It was a Roger Rabbit cartoon land. Yes it was unspeakably and stunningly beautiful, but my full blown panic and fear that I really did brain damage this time destroyed me.

While it is happening it takes on the significance of the birthing process. Imagine you could remember the moment you were born and the importance and gravity of that event is the seriousness of DMT. Fuck this. My mind can’t handle that shit. I am throwing in the towel. You win.
 
Powerful indeed.
It helps to know why you are going in, to have intentions and an open mind. To sit like a stone while the hyper alien intelligence inspects you and uses your memories to test you.
Now that you've broken through, you probably will never need to ever again.
Try low doses for recalibration.
You're OK, Joe... I'm sure we've all felt like this before.
 
Id give it time, its quite common for people to go right off it then get a second wind with it. Maybe smoke less, ive felt like yourself before but I always will want to do it, or maybe aya would do me, I doubt it though. If its too much take a break, you dont have to lol But I know myself that well to never say something like Im never touching that again. House makes good pointys, just noticed you posted. I had one major breakthrough and after it I thought oh no and I didnt for a while, the one after that was so blissful, made me remember theres nothing to fear really but you can get bad experiences, like anything.
 
I remember the first time I shot to far with pharmahuasca. I remember I was thinking things like "this is gods mind poison" "humans have no right to touch this stuff" "we're not made for it". That was in the middle of what looked abd actually FELT like a series of abductions.

But I swear had I have gone that far using LSD I probably would have wanted to kill myself. About 4 weeks after that I started easing myself back in. I'm glad I did.

Most important tip for when you're deep in the other realm is to forget about this one. They don't seem all too compaitable, at least not with our human bodies as an adapter. It's one or the other.
 
۩ said:
To sit like a stone while the hyper alien intelligence inspects you and uses your memories to test you.
Click to expand...


YES! This is always in the beginning for me. If I have a 'clean' conscious AND I surrender then I am 'allowed to pass' and then I merge with the spirit and we share consciousness which is where knowledege is gained and where I find my blissful reward.

Yes, you are playing with the gods. Spice is like dialing a random number from the deities phonebook.

I have soared through dimensions, become dimensions seen literal Angels.

The key, and it took me almost a year to learn it, is simple, surrender. Your will is 'in the way'. Like Antrocles says, its the "unknowing" that is the way.

Everyone has mind bogglers on occassion. It is one of the reasons to KEEP doing it.

REMEMBER, spice is the variety of life.


Espiridion
.
.
 
as has been said already, give it some time, take it easy, and reflect. Your opinion will change with time, come back and revisit with lower doses. Only you will know when that is.

IMHO that time will come. You have already covered allot of ground. There will come a time. When it comes, start of slow. work your way up slowly. If you get almost no effects the first time back, thats ok. You need to find out what "comfort zone" is by slowly working your way into it.

Joe, I more frequently than not, feel the same way you desribed-

"fear that I really did brain damage this time"

I am constantly telling myself on the blast off that I'm done, thats it, no more. Then I level out and it's wonderful. At times I begin to think, I'm forever messed up. No one could possibly return to normal when its this messed up! I think thats normal mentation on higher doses.

Relax buddy, its ok.

We all go there.
 
Espiridion said:
۩ said:
To sit like a stone while the hyper alien intelligence inspects you and uses your memories to test you.
Click to expand...


YES! This is always in the beginning for me. If I have a 'clean' conscious AND I surrender then I am 'allowed to pass' and then I merge with the spirit and we share consciousness which is where knowledege is gained and where I find my blissful reward.

Yes, you are playing with the gods. Spice is like dialing a random number from the deities phonebook.

I have soared through dimensions, become dimensions seen literal Angels.

The key, and it took me almost a year to learn it, is simple, surrender. Your will is 'in the way'. Like Antrocles says, its the "unknowing" that is the way.

Everyone has mind bogglers on occassion. It is one of the reasons to KEEP doing it.

REMEMBER, spice is the variety of life.


Espiridion
.
.
Click to expand...

Yes! Surrender is the key to allow the sacrament to its job.
Many time in my experiences, in the first 30 seconds, I have these racing toughs of mine and toughs of other people making me really nervous. What I have to do, which I discovered by starting with low doses, is not to think/and not to think about it. But witness the emotions building up and let it flow throughout your consciousness. You'll be rewarded with knowledge!
 
pure creativity has no:
rhyme
reason
sense
structure
shape
design
meaning

you are bathing in pure creativity when you have a genuine breakthrough with DMT. there really and truly is no "mental preparation" you can make before going other than the truest power in the cosmos: surrender. when you can completely free your mind from all you hold onto in this world, the timeless time spent in hyperspace is the purest sense of the word "freedom". you fly over, through, in and around EVERYTHING. that which would scare or freak you out is simply another space you explore. it is no more malicious or benign than anything else. there really is no "good" or "bad" and if you genuinely have a moment (or an eternity) where these two concepts enter into your experience, try your best to know that it is only the ego that is capable of making such distinctions.

this work is about surrender. this is where DMT's gift lies. when you have learned to effectively surrender the mind you use in this world, you will never have a bad journey again. it's that simple. i do NOT like to speak in any kind of authoratative or definitive manner when discussing something so ineffable as this molecule, but after HUNDREDS of journeys and truly fearless exploraion of it's "boundaries", this is the one gift my work has produced that i can offer to all of you. i pray you do not take this as me being pedantic or self-righteous in any way. it is simply something i have come to feel as part of myself after MUCH exploration.

joe- i understand your place. first, your writing style...and now, this report...you are a mirrored soul to my dear friend Uncle Knucles. like you, he has a very tenuous relationship with vaporized spice. and like you, he would be the first to admit that his challenge lies in his inability to stop trying to make sense of what he is experiencing. the art of a clear mind is, as i have learned and continue to learn, truly an art. i would encourage you to listen to your heart on the matter. if this journey was a nut-twister, take a small break and meditate on WHY. i promise you this: it's not because of the DMT. it's "role" or "job" is quite pure really. knowing beforehand that you're work lies in letting go of EVERYTHING and doing things in THIS world to better prepare you to be able to do that prior to lighting up will guarantee you a much more positive lesson next time around.

and trust me on this one- from what i've read from you and gotten to know about you-

...there WILL be a next time.

thank you so much for your honest, genuine and raw post. many people are going to be helped through the reading of this thread. this is the biggest "hurdle" on the path of DMT. don't let it thwart your heart's desire to be free!!

WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE!!
 
Ya-know-Joe....from what you have been writing, you have not really taken the time to integrate these gigantic experiences you've just started having...one after the other...these past few days.

Myself if I smoke some spice more than 2 or 3 times a month it's a lot.
It's not like pot where you want to smoke it every day.

antrocles does this daily, but not too many other people do.

Take some time to think deeply about how these thoughts & experiences fit into real life.
Hell I obsess on a heavy breakthrough for weeks sometimes.


this work is about surrender. this is where DMT's gift lies. when you have learned to effectively surrender the mind you use in this world, you will never have a bad journey again. it's that simple. i do NOT like to speak in any kind of authoratative or definitive manner when discussing something so ineffable as this molecule, but after HUNDREDS of journeys and truly fearless exploraion of it's "boundaries", this is the one gift my work has produced that i can offer to all of you. i pray you do not take this as me being pedantic or self-righteous in any way. it is simply something i have come to feel as part of myself after MUCH exploration
Click to expand...
I will second that motion!!! Well put!


WS
 
Im actaully starting to feel this way as well..struggling to find the relevance in smoked DMT lately in contrast to recent ayahuasca journeys..

Vaped DMT is becomming something cold..impersonal and too alien to bring anything of use at all back from..wheres as with ayahuasca its a whole different story...even when i smoke with the brew it's too quick and dissorientating durring the peak to really learn much..its just aliens and otherness lately..its good for showing you that that place is there though..

Yesterday I drank a brew with caapi and mimosa...and it was nice..and I smoked some jimjam spice at the peak as well..and things go real strange...the peak was just weird and i didnt bring mu back from it..but it kicked the brew up a notch and the next hour or so was 1000 times more theraputic and healing than the smoked peak itself..

Maybe DMT just doesn't want me to smoke it right now...becasue when i brew with mimosa it is VERY good to me...who knows but right now im 100% into aya and not to keen on smoking much..wasn't always this way..I smoked daily for a while..nearly every day in december and in the summer as well..maybe its just that now im really comparing it to aya since i have been drinking lots of brews..aya is like pure medicine from god.

Or maybe i just need a break from vaped DMT...
 
antrocles said:
and trust me on this one- from what i've read from you and gotten to know about you-

...there WILL be a next time.
Click to expand...

Oh how I wish you weren't right. But you are. I will go back because I must. I need to think about this though - surrender. Calm surrender, allow it to embrace me and not fight it. The only problem is that I go into an instinctual automatic pilot mode where I lose control and panic. I feel like a small child who is given the controls of a spacecraft and has no idea how the damn thing works and the whole world is depending on me. I press the wrong button and BOOM!!!

I still can't believe the visuals though. What the hell was that? It was like I was swimming in an ocean of electrified ayahuasca. Man, but it was gorgeous, the most breath-taking sight I have ever witnessed. Too bad I fucked it up.

On another note, imagine the cops rang the bell because "someone was screaming." I answer the door, they pretend to smell drugs and bust on in... Anyway, now that is another fear that I have because I obviously can't keep my shit together on smoked DMT.
 
WSaged said:
Ya-know-Joe....from what you have been writing, you have not really taken the time to integrate these gigantic experiences you've just started having...one after the other...these past few days.

Myself if I smoke some spice more than 2 or 3 times a month it's a lot.
It's not like pot where you want to smoke it every day.

antrocles does this daily, but not too many other people do.

Take some time to think deeply about how these thoughts & experiences fit into real life.
Hell I obsess on a heavy breakthrough for weeks sometimes.
Click to expand...

That's a great point and something I was thinking too. I need to relax and integrate the experience before diving in again. I was just so excited about the first breakthrough that I wanted it again, kind of like playing with a brand new toy. This stuff is no toy though and I should treat with care and a respectful distance.
 
Joe say it aint so! This stuff is heavy but I wouldn't swear it off just yet man. First try and take some time to integrate your experiences and the things you've learned, maybe write about them or do other things that will help you get your mind together. Maybe an aya or mushroom trip after some time will help you regain your bearings.. and when your ready, just tippy toe back in with low doses.
 
fractal enchantment said:
Im actaully starting to feel this way as well..struggling to find the relevance in smoked DMT lately in contrast to recent ayahuasca journeys..

Vaped DMT is becomming something cold..impersonal and too alien to bring anything of use at all back from..wheres as with ayahuasca its a whole different story...even when i smoke with the brew it's too quick and dissorientating durring the peak to really learn much..its just aliens and otherness lately..its good for showing you that that place is there though..

Yesterday I drank a brew with caapi and mimosa...and it was nice..and I smoked some jimjam spice at the peak as well..and things go real strange...the peak was just weird and i didnt bring mu back from it..but it kicked the brew up a notch and the next hour or so was 1000 times more theraputic and healing than the smoked peak itself..

Maybe DMT just doesn't want me to smoke it right now...becasue when i brew with mimosa it is VERY good to me...who knows but right now im 100% into aya and not to keen on smoking much..wasn't always this way..I smoked daily for a while..nearly every day in december and in the summer as well..maybe its just that now im really comparing it to aya since i have been drinking lots of brews..aya is like pure medicine from god.

Or maybe i just need a break from vaped DMT...
Click to expand...


The two experiences seem to have nothing to do with each other. I can't believe that they are even the same molecule. Oral DMT and smoked DMT are completely different and not in a brother and sister way. There seems to be no relation or connection between the two. They are perfect strangers. One is an exploding atomic bomb and the other is a sensual, slow radiation. Damn it, I wanna enjoy the bomb too!
 
Well to be fair..ayahuasca is soooo much more than just oral DMT...its a much much richer experience due to the presence of the vine..to me the vine is at least as important as the admixture..she is the queen.
 
I once went realy far, to my standards, you can never compare yourself with others in this perspective. But anyway, i felt that i went as far as you can go and i remember thinking something like: this is pure bliss and the happiest moment of my life, but if i ever make it back i must fully embrace the world of the living in grattitude and therefore not go back ever again to the spiritworld.

But once i was back and a few weeks later, i felt that i could embrace live and still go back there once in a while.

But anyway, i think i know the feeling.

Just remember that you'll always have the freedom to change your mind about something.
 
Also with a high enough dose, oral DMT can be like 3 bomb of different size one after the other with a sustained blast :)


It just explodes a bit of a distance away.
 
I feel ya, man. I've certainly had some challenging ones - that is very true - and the initial rush seems to trigger my fight or flight response everytime. I don't think I've ever cried out in panic, or thrashed around or anything, but I very often have the feeling (initially - and sometimes even throughout) that I've made a really fucked up mistake and just don't want this anymore. Now, I've got set and setting issues that would put Timothy Leary on the wagon, but we each bring ourselves into the experience and we've all got some shit to contend with.

If you want to continue, I find that a sleep mask can be extremely helpful. The biggest source of panic for me is in straddling irreconcilable planes. Anything I can do to aid in letting go of this one will only help me settle in and fully commit to the other. Sublingual harmalas in conjunction tend to physically pin me down, so that might stop your wanderlust (and possibly the screaming...), but they can also ratchet up the intensity, so go easy with them initially.

It is much like having an atom bomb go off in your head, as you've described. I can't think of any greater test of one's ability to surrender. But when you can, Jesus Christ... it is just SO fucking beautiful. The discovery of the mystery within (and all its infinite implications) has been one of the most profound events of my entire lifetime.

Having said that, there is ZERO shame in deciding to call it a day. You've seen what's there. Now you know. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
 
Uncle Knucles said:
I feel ya, man. I've certainly had some challenging ones, it's true - and the initial rush seems to trigger my fight or flight response everytime. I don't think I've ever cried out in panic, or thrashed around or anything, but I very often have the feeling (initially - and even throughout) that I've made a really fucked up mistake and just don't want this anymore. Now, I've got set and setting issues that would put Timothy Leary on the wagon, but we each bring ourselves into the experience and we've all got some shit to contend with.

If you want to continue, I find that a sleep mask can be extremely helpful. The biggest source of panic for me is in straddling irreconcilable planes. Anything I can do to aid in letting go of this one will only help me settle in and fully commit to the other. Sublingual harmalas in conjunction tend to physically pin me down, so that might stop your wanderlust (and possibly the screaming...), but they can also ratchet up the intensity, so go easy with them initially.

It is much like having an atom bomb go off in your head, as you've described. I can't think of any greater test of one's ability to surrender. But when you can, Jesus Christ... it is just SO fucking beautiful. The discovery of the mystery within (and all its infinite implications) has been one of the most profound events of my entire lifetime.

Having said that, there is ZERO shame in deciding to call it a day. You've seen what's there. Now you know. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
Click to expand...


Yes, Art. I know there is beauty and infinite wisdom and knowledge there, if only I could behold it without the fear. I got a real taste of it today and it was overwhelming sort of like gaining magical powers for the first time. I don't even know if I was yelling or how loud, but the "sleepwalking" potential of the experience brings real world danger into the equation. Too bad I am living this psychedelic life alone and can't tell ANYONE about my adventures and have them trip sit me. I appreciate everyone in this thread for the kind words and advice.
 
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