I quit. Game over.

[Infinite I]

I used to live alone and this worried me, that I could jump around and do some damage to myself. I ended up waking my neighbours at 6am by knocking on their door asking for help after smoking, this made me realise at that point in time I really could do with a sitter, I know most folks dont subscribe to that here but for me then it helped get back into it. As art said maybe some harmalas or cappi to keep you sort of sedated, you feel more comfortable and protected with cappi when smoking. Maybe after this you will be more cautious. When I first got into it I smoked a lot, like you are doing, most people seem to be the same, part from legends like antrocles lol For some it seems to have a reverse tolerance.

 

[polytrip]

I feel ya, man. I've certainly had some challenging ones, it's true - and the initial rush seems to trigger my fight or flight response everytime. I don't think I've ever cried out in panic, or thrashed around or anything, but I very often have the feeling (initially - and even throughout) that I've made a really fucked up mistake and just don't want this anymore. Now, I've got set and setting issues that would put Timothy Leary on the wagon, but we each bring ourselves into the experience and we've all got some shit to contend with.

If you want to continue, I find that a sleep mask can be extremely helpful. The biggest source of panic for me is in straddling irreconcilable planes. Anything I can do to aid in letting go of this one will only help me settle in and fully commit to the other. Sublingual harmalas in conjunction tend to physically pin me down, so that might stop your wanderlust (and possibly the screaming...), but they can also ratchet up the intensity, so go easy with them initially.

It is much like having an atom bomb go off in your head, as you've described. I can't think of any greater test of one's ability to surrender. But when you can, Jesus Christ... it is just SO fucking beautiful. The discovery of the mystery within (and all its infinite implications) has been one of the most profound events of my entire lifetime.

Having said that, there is ZERO shame in deciding to call it a day. You've seen what's there. Now you know. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

Yes, Art. I know there is beauty and infinite wisdom and knowledge there, if only I could behold it without the fear. I got a real taste of it today and it was overwhelming sort of like gaining magical powers for the first time. I don't even know if I was yelling or how loud, but the "sleepwalking" potential of the experience brings real world danger into the equation. Too bad I am living this psychedelic life alone and can't tell ANYONE about my adventures and have them trip sit me. I appreciate everyone in this thread for the kind words and advice.

I know that fear of 'sleepwalking'.

Once you've been so far that you felt you could be losing it, you sort of know how far you can go without losing it. I completely trust myself within these limits.

Going beyond these limits doesn't make sense anyway, because you would probably pass-out or something.

Surrender is the first magic word and trust/confidence is the second one.

 

[nodice]

When someone has a Bad experience like that, Swim dont know whether or not to say he is sorry you had a bad trip or congrats on the bad trip. he knows it isnt pretty but Swim is certain that every experience is a valuable one. Not just the ones from DMT but in life in general. These hard to deal with experiences are that which makes us deviate. Without deviation there is no progress. Swim has had a few really negative experiences with DMT but it seemed he always knew it was for the greater good.

 

[biohazard72]

+1 for the idea of using a sleep mask. I'm a fan of silence too.

And not blasting off until my heart rate is normal.

 

[dankh]

We are made up mostly of space. It's hard to come to terms with that using our eyes, but when Edward Teller realized this he started wearing shoes that were too large for him - out of fear that he would fall through the floor.

What you saw was exactly what we are. Varying frequencies of violent energy. And not the same violent you find on entertainment television.. but the kind of violent you might associate with our survival imperative. Seeing is believing.

 

[MooshyPeaches]

Take other people's words of encouragement into consideration, but this is your life and it's your future to create.

Id say not let fear itself hold you back, but to meditate on it in a calm mindset for quite sometime. To experience the impossible and see our life from a perspective few humans ever get is a miracle. Indeed a very powerful miracle that takes time and experience to begin to unravel.

It definitely comes with its pros and even sometimes cons, although learning from each has easily been some of the most important lessons of my life.

Although... its so unusual and impossible, I bet that overwhelming curiosity all human possess will draw you back into interest =]

And if not, hey there are billions of things to do, love, and experience within this lifes reality without living through the unexplainable dmt 'hyperspace'


....the trick is you already got a taste, my first exprience was so utterly terrifying my heart felt like it was going to burst, but eventual it..or she calls out to you and it only gets better

 

[obliguhl]

I've noticed a pattern in your post that might be an indicator for your part of your fear:

What just happened to me is not normal.

not have prepared me for the utter insanity

get ready for the complete lunatic curveball that this shit hurls.

that it wasn’t right, that it wasn’t normal.

the neighbors must think I am a crazy asshole

some nutjob artist

fear that I really did brain damage

 

[cellux]

The discovery of the mystery within (and all its infinite implications) has been one of the most profound events of my entire lifetime.

Agreed.

(Thinking about that, even the Nexus wouldn't exist without that "mystery within". It's one of the implications, one of the ways that "otherness" began to infuse into our world.)

 

[joebono]

I've noticed a pattern in your post that might be an indicator for your part of your fear:

What just happened to me is not normal.

not have prepared me for the utter insanity

get ready for the complete lunatic curveball that this shit hurls.

that it wasn’t right, that it wasn’t normal.

the neighbors must think I am a crazy asshole

some nutjob artist

fear that I really did brain damage

Thanks Obliguhl. Fifteen years ago I had a psychotic episode on LSD where the trip transformed into a weeklong break from reality. The trip ended but I lost my mind and I moved into some strange paranoid schizo state. I fully recovered after a week and never touched any drug until about a year ago. I don't know if I should be doing this stuff considering what happened to me as a kid. I believe my LSD event was triggered by some trauma during the trip (freaked out at a laser light show, lost my car in NYC - it was missing for a month, parents found out everthing, intense regret and shame) and as an adult I now pay special attention to set and setting such as never leaving the comfort and safety of my own home.


There is a real fear that I might move back into that strange state of psychosis except now the stakes are much higher. Instead of messing up a few college classes, I could lose my career and everything else. So yes there is a tangible fear, but since I have never had any other mental issues in my life and a pretty clean family record I figured the risk was small - until I broke through with smoked DMT. I appreciate you pointing this out so that I can further ponder it.

 

[joebono]

I used to live alone and this worried me, that I could jump around and do some damage to myself. I ended up waking my neighbours at 6am by knocking on their door asking for help after smoking.

Was this after smoking DMT? You went to the neighbors for help? What happened?

 

[88]

joe

I have issues with fear as well. Even the most seemingly tiny grain of concern got magnified infinitely once inside; but in later trips, I've been shown why I have fear, what it's role is in defining the self, and how to deal with it and let go. I've been shown other people's fears. It has been a massive lesson in my life, and I am eternally grateful for it.

It sounds to me like you were going in with a lot of very legitimate fear, given your previous experience, as well as the concerns about the neighbours, police etc. And as the man said, '/You dance with the one what brung you/" - whatever's in your mind is going to get amplified and examined.

It may help you to work out what it is that's worrying you, and whether you can accept and work through it. I don't go in until I've worked through what's in my mind. I sometimes take hours and hours to prepare, meditating, cleaning up, getting the setting right, and tidying up the dustbin of my mind Antocles of course, has said it as well as it can be said - you have to surrender.

A sitter may help; it helped me and a friend to have far more loving experiences. Feeling safe and secure is so important. Also, Ayahuasca Android changa - which is the same mix really as the brew - may give you a more ayahuasca-ish smoke. Not as 'hard' as spice/base.

I hope this helps in some way - and tremeber, no matter how bonkers the journey was, you did come back, and you still seem to be you.

Thanks for the open, honest post joe.

 

[cellux]

We fear because we are cemented into everyday reality with all those bonds (family, friends, work) and we are not willing to let those bonds just go away. Who knows what would happen if we let go? Anything could happen. Letting go gives us up to change (mercy of God, hopefully). And when one changes, family and friends won't necessary be able to adapt. (There is also that Nelson Mandela quote, it makes me shiver with fear.)

All the spiritual texts advise detachment: leave your family, leave "sinful" earthly life, or else you won't be able to reach it. But this felt so fucking FALSE, like the temptation of the devil. Oh why it must be arranged like this.

So I decided for myself: I voluntarily stay in the bondage. Sometimes it feels like travelling with 20-pound stones tied to my feet, but in the end, I believe it will be worth it. I just cannot really explain even to myself why. The whole thing is completely irrational.

 

[breakMYhead]

take some time. i had a crazy one and i had to leave it alone for about a year. getting back in, i started with many low doses in one session.

at first the fear was present. until i really thought about it and just surrendered. then it was good. it's surprising what even low doses can show you. i got an unexpected breakthrough a little while after and it was wonderful.

the art of surrender... or ant's 'unknowingness'... is the best advice i've taken from this wonderful forum.

good luck.

 

[gammagore]

Joebono, you had a really powerfull experience there. Maybe give it a while before you decide weather to journey again.

You have been pushing the boundaries these last few weeks, and got a surprise at your last journey.

This thread is good for people to realise that DMT is not just another party drug, this molecule must be treated with respect.

I'm glad your ok.

 

[Infinite I]

I used to live alone and this worried me, that I could jump around and do some damage to myself. I ended up waking my neighbours at 6am by knocking on their door asking for help after smoking.

Was this after smoking DMT? You went to the neighbors for help? What happened?

Yes after dmt, I dont know how I managed to get up the flight of stairs but I did. I remember it was like being in they 3d pictures where stairs are going everywhere, it might be salvador dali? I just remember smoking, freaking out big time, biggest freak out ive ever had, I thought these negative entities were fucking with me, it was a serious fight or flight reaction, I took the flight option. I just needed reassured really. he didnt answer the door then after a few minutes of panicking at his door id calmed down and realised I wasnt going to die. See I left it for a while after that and done what break open my head done and it all worked out nicely.

 

[mumbles]

A trip sitter is never a bad idea on the stronger psychedelics. Hell they could even smoke spice and compare notes while swim is on a longer maoi enhanced journey.

 

[1664]

A trip sitter is never a bad idea on the stronger psychedelics. Hell they could even smoke spice and compare notes while swim is on a longer maoi enhanced journey.

I have been wondering about that actually (sorry for straying off topic) - I have a very close friend who is keen to share the spice coming over soon. If anyone can handle spice, he can, but that is not my concern. I am a little worried that I / we will find it harder to let go completely with someone else in the room. You know, like a kind of stage fright? If it were any other drug then I wouldn't even ask the question, but I have felt how strange little niggles can become universally important when trying to free yourself for a trip.

Does anyone have an opinion on this?

I found this thread really useful, thanks for sharing with us Joebono. The Nexus can be amazing and this thread shows it IMO - everyone here has got your back. I hope you can take something from it away with you.

 

[ghostman]

A trip sitter is never a bad idea on the stronger psychedelics. Hell they could even smoke spice and compare notes while swim is on a longer maoi enhanced journey.

As special as going solo is, I find a cosmic co-pilot most valuable. After a set of journeys you can compare notes and verbalise it. This helps cement the experience as you will both find a common denominator despite DMT trips being so idiosyncratic. It's not about rationalising it, because you can't. But there is great value in being able to TALK to someone else about these impossible things that you experience.

To the OP - get a trip buddy, someone you know and trust and focus on the positive. Or, only you actually know, but maybe this stuff isn't for you. I can only think that unraveling certain fundamental truths is not for everyone.

You ought to trust yourself too. If you feel it is not good for you, then maybe you should go with that. If you get called back, then fine.

I don't think the solution to your situation is necessarily to smoke more DMT now.

 

[soulfood]

A trip sitter is never a bad idea on the stronger psychedelics. Hell they could even smoke spice and compare notes while swim is on a longer maoi enhanced journey.

Does anyone have an opinion on this?

I've actually done this a few times with a couple of friends. I encourage them to dose alone, but they always seem to save what they have until I'm around and have very few reports from them dosing solo. Anyway they always make me go first even if I don't feel like smoking (which is a bit annoying but hey... it's not like their asking me to eat shit )

But anyway, the worst thing about dosing with someone else around, albeit they being very quiet and considerate, is as soon as something amazing happens you can't wait to tell the nearest person who is right by your side. Also even if you hear someone breathe ever so slightly, it seems to manifest in the trip.

Oral DMT in small groups is pretty good though. I have a bit of a laddish competetition to make sure I'm the last person to purge My 1 friend who I do this with has a very weak stomach and is always sick very easily so probably only absorbs half the dose I do, so when I'm flying through colours they're usually sobre enough to get me a glass of water

Trust and information is the key.

 

[mumbles]

As special as going solo is, I find a cosmic co-pilot most valuable. After a set of journeys you can compare notes and verbalise it. This helps cement the experience as you will both find a common denominator despite DMT trips being so idiosyncratic. It's not about rationalising it, because you can't. But there is great value in being able to TALK to someone else about these impossible things that you experience.

Yeah describing your DMT rocket trip to someone who has just come down themselves is really interesting because they aren't baffled by the crazyness that is DMT and by trying to put it into words you end up understanding and remembering it more. It makes for good memories too you know, "remember when the tv beamed info into our heads (ala johnny nmemonic) so intensely we had to escape?"