Impulse Experience:
I'm approaching a junction. A junction of being fed up. It has happened twice in two days.
While in the medicine space sitting for a group, I journalled about DMT, my relationship with it, and about getting myself deeper (something that has become a bit of a long road). The first day I journaled, I had been feeling confident about moving into deep spaces much like ones I've frequented in what feels like the distant past. The second day, I was back to the state of fear, apprehension and hindrance. This is the cycle. But as with all things, the cycle changes too. The change in this cycle is the increasing occurrence of modes where I feel as I felt in the first day of journaling.
Yesterday morning, I was preparing to leave for the gym, shoes on, and turning things off before leaving my room. During this time, I recognized the negative mode, the one rife with apprehension about journeying with DMT/changa. Something in me snapped. I grabbed my pipe, took off my shoes, emptied my back pocket, sat on my bed, centered myself, saying "I'm brave, I'm strong," and taking a long hit and then laying back.
The bowl has been burned before, so I didn't get as far as I likely would have with a similar sized hit from a freshly packed bowl, but I got somewhere, but can't tell you where.
However, I received/generated an insight about bravery: Regardless of the thing, the reasoning/rationale, or the validity, fear felt is fear felt, and doing something despite the fear felt is bravery.
I had a lot more clarity throughout the day. I felt good.
Today, the same thing happened to a degree. I am very tired, moving slowly, and not doing much. After a three hour nap, I got up and did a little of this and a little of that. I was preparing to meditate, not really wanting to, but going to do so anyway because it's part of my practice. Finishing my changa bowl came to my mind, but there was an immediate denial accompanied by "reasons" (excuses) why I shouldn't. I didn't appreciate that.
So, I grabbed the pipe, and sat at my altar.
I took two hits. I unfortunately didn't place the pipe on the altar well, and the water spilled onto my leg and the mat. While feeling the onset, I quickly moved my zafu to the floor and myself along with it and laid down.
The paradox of DMT: to have a relatively dark experience that was emotionally heavy and taxing and to still feel great afterwards.
It's hard to describe what I saw. Only that there were elements that reminded me of my fourth experience with DMT which was also very dark and dour. It was the content that was the big part.
At first it was just managing myself in the experience and feeling good about my efforts. I then felt even better about my effort when the theme of the experience changed to the more dire aspects and elements of what goes on on this planet and what has gone on for a long long time. I was experiencing this complex gestalt through all it's layers; what we can see that occurs in minds (this is extremely complex and was jarring), what we can observe about various experiences (at this point, the consideration was that of the current 8 billion plus), the lack of awareness from one milieu to another (such as people in one area not realizing how good they may have it relative to another, and even how where we are shapes what we think and do), etc.
I felt pain. I felt sadness. I felt depression. For the world on the whole; past and present.
But, while tired, I don't feel those things now. I felt strong. It's like they needed to be stripped out and off of me and I got to witness it happen and be conscious of the content being removed.
From how I feel now, I need to continue with these bigger hits.
Thank you for reading.
One love
I'm approaching a junction. A junction of being fed up. It has happened twice in two days.
While in the medicine space sitting for a group, I journalled about DMT, my relationship with it, and about getting myself deeper (something that has become a bit of a long road). The first day I journaled, I had been feeling confident about moving into deep spaces much like ones I've frequented in what feels like the distant past. The second day, I was back to the state of fear, apprehension and hindrance. This is the cycle. But as with all things, the cycle changes too. The change in this cycle is the increasing occurrence of modes where I feel as I felt in the first day of journaling.
Yesterday morning, I was preparing to leave for the gym, shoes on, and turning things off before leaving my room. During this time, I recognized the negative mode, the one rife with apprehension about journeying with DMT/changa. Something in me snapped. I grabbed my pipe, took off my shoes, emptied my back pocket, sat on my bed, centered myself, saying "I'm brave, I'm strong," and taking a long hit and then laying back.
The bowl has been burned before, so I didn't get as far as I likely would have with a similar sized hit from a freshly packed bowl, but I got somewhere, but can't tell you where.
However, I received/generated an insight about bravery: Regardless of the thing, the reasoning/rationale, or the validity, fear felt is fear felt, and doing something despite the fear felt is bravery.
I had a lot more clarity throughout the day. I felt good.
Today, the same thing happened to a degree. I am very tired, moving slowly, and not doing much. After a three hour nap, I got up and did a little of this and a little of that. I was preparing to meditate, not really wanting to, but going to do so anyway because it's part of my practice. Finishing my changa bowl came to my mind, but there was an immediate denial accompanied by "reasons" (excuses) why I shouldn't. I didn't appreciate that.
So, I grabbed the pipe, and sat at my altar.
I took two hits. I unfortunately didn't place the pipe on the altar well, and the water spilled onto my leg and the mat. While feeling the onset, I quickly moved my zafu to the floor and myself along with it and laid down.
The paradox of DMT: to have a relatively dark experience that was emotionally heavy and taxing and to still feel great afterwards.
It's hard to describe what I saw. Only that there were elements that reminded me of my fourth experience with DMT which was also very dark and dour. It was the content that was the big part.
At first it was just managing myself in the experience and feeling good about my efforts. I then felt even better about my effort when the theme of the experience changed to the more dire aspects and elements of what goes on on this planet and what has gone on for a long long time. I was experiencing this complex gestalt through all it's layers; what we can see that occurs in minds (this is extremely complex and was jarring), what we can observe about various experiences (at this point, the consideration was that of the current 8 billion plus), the lack of awareness from one milieu to another (such as people in one area not realizing how good they may have it relative to another, and even how where we are shapes what we think and do), etc.
I felt pain. I felt sadness. I felt depression. For the world on the whole; past and present.
But, while tired, I don't feel those things now. I felt strong. It's like they needed to be stripped out and off of me and I got to witness it happen and be conscious of the content being removed.
From how I feel now, I need to continue with these bigger hits.
Thank you for reading.
One love