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Impulse Experiences: Ongoing Compilation

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Impulse Experience:

I'm approaching a junction. A junction of being fed up. It has happened twice in two days.

While in the medicine space sitting for a group, I journalled about DMT, my relationship with it, and about getting myself deeper (something that has become a bit of a long road). The first day I journaled, I had been feeling confident about moving into deep spaces much like ones I've frequented in what feels like the distant past. The second day, I was back to the state of fear, apprehension and hindrance. This is the cycle. But as with all things, the cycle changes too. The change in this cycle is the increasing occurrence of modes where I feel as I felt in the first day of journaling.

Yesterday morning, I was preparing to leave for the gym, shoes on, and turning things off before leaving my room. During this time, I recognized the negative mode, the one rife with apprehension about journeying with DMT/changa. Something in me snapped. I grabbed my pipe, took off my shoes, emptied my back pocket, sat on my bed, centered myself, saying "I'm brave, I'm strong," and taking a long hit and then laying back.

The bowl has been burned before, so I didn't get as far as I likely would have with a similar sized hit from a freshly packed bowl, but I got somewhere, but can't tell you where.

However, I received/generated an insight about bravery: Regardless of the thing, the reasoning/rationale, or the validity, fear felt is fear felt, and doing something despite the fear felt is bravery.

I had a lot more clarity throughout the day. I felt good.

Today, the same thing happened to a degree. I am very tired, moving slowly, and not doing much. After a three hour nap, I got up and did a little of this and a little of that. I was preparing to meditate, not really wanting to, but going to do so anyway because it's part of my practice. Finishing my changa bowl came to my mind, but there was an immediate denial accompanied by "reasons" (excuses) why I shouldn't. I didn't appreciate that.

So, I grabbed the pipe, and sat at my altar.

I took two hits. I unfortunately didn't place the pipe on the altar well, and the water spilled onto my leg and the mat. While feeling the onset, I quickly moved my zafu to the floor and myself along with it and laid down.

The paradox of DMT: to have a relatively dark experience that was emotionally heavy and taxing and to still feel great afterwards.

It's hard to describe what I saw. Only that there were elements that reminded me of my fourth experience with DMT which was also very dark and dour. It was the content that was the big part.

At first it was just managing myself in the experience and feeling good about my efforts. I then felt even better about my effort when the theme of the experience changed to the more dire aspects and elements of what goes on on this planet and what has gone on for a long long time. I was experiencing this complex gestalt through all it's layers; what we can see that occurs in minds (this is extremely complex and was jarring), what we can observe about various experiences (at this point, the consideration was that of the current 8 billion plus), the lack of awareness from one milieu to another (such as people in one area not realizing how good they may have it relative to another, and even how where we are shapes what we think and do), etc.

I felt pain. I felt sadness. I felt depression. For the world on the whole; past and present.

But, while tired, I don't feel those things now. I felt strong. It's like they needed to be stripped out and off of me and I got to witness it happen and be conscious of the content being removed.

From how I feel now, I need to continue with these bigger hits.

Thank you for reading.

One love
 
Something has shifted. As it stands, it's a welcome shift.

I've whined quite a bit about my inability to get myself as deep as I'd like. It was a real bummer for a long time, especially considering how I psychedelically cut my teeth.

But today, I don't care anymore. I mean, yeah, I still wanna deepen my experience, but it's not as neurotically torturous. It's just what it is; I have work to do to connect with myself to get myself where I'm trying to go.

And I've been doing that.

It's ironic that this feeling, this state, has come at this time, seeing as I've been much more relaxed in taking my hits and taking bigger ones, and really recognizing the skill I always bring into the space without realizing it.

There's something novel that I feel is impacting this. Two tarot spreads. In both, in the place representing myself I got XIII, and in the spot representing what will help me the most was XV. I show this to someone close to me. They bring up the Left Hand Path, something I'm familiar with but hadn't thought about in a long time...

Now, before I go on, I want to provide a caveat. I understand that in some Western esoteric circles, the left hand path is considered bad/evil and has negative associations and connotations. I share no such associations and connotations and feel that whether an element from a path is good or bad is predicated primarily on the context of the overall situation that element is in. If anything, the left hand path seems to just be more internally focused and interested in the development of self through the challenge of taboo, dogma, and tradition. Which, I don't see as a bad thing. How do you know if something stands if it's never challenged. I also don't see it as a bad thing.

I am interested in one of the most contentious fields of study: philosophy, because I see the prose and direction of my investigations to not only help me but others as well.

Anyway, all this to say that since I've been paying more attention to this idea, I've noticed a lot of resonance between how I exist and what makes the left hand path what it is. That in turn has made me understand my life up to now a bit differently and as a result, there's a whole lot of stuff I don't care about anymore or as much.

As the Genesis of this idea is vedic/yogic, it's made me want to gravitate towards those philosophies again.

I'm not sure if any of this is making much sense, but I'm not as concerned about that either 😅

Thank you for reading.

One love
 
It doesn't need to make sense to us when you are sharing the unknown found on any path, as long as it makes sense to you.

If you can feel it on the inside
You'll never have to wonder where the groove went
The Groove is You!
(<--click)

🦋
 
Impulse Experience:

Another post-nap journey for my meditation. I knew I had to meditate, but in the moment I didn't want to get out of bed. Thinking of my ever-evolving relationship with these substances, I found motivation to get up.

I just got straight to it. And there was minimal anxiety. I keep telling myself to approach the experience ready for an experience that I am fully aware that I can manage and then augmenting once the bowl is in my hands and I'm toking. In this instance, I took one nice long hit, sat with it for a moment, and then decided on another while the effects from the first began to make themselves obvious.

I didn't want anything crazy, just to meditate, but I still went deeper than I normally do when I "just want to meditate." I'm happy with that. Much of my time in the space was spent celebrating my "triumph" over my inhibitions.

However, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows as I ended up in a negative "elitist-type" thought loop thinking about how I feel and think about others and my frustrations. However, it was very one-sided in that it never came up
that I do think many people are trying their best and that not trying one's best one can possibly not be blamed too much for since that abides by a fundamental attribution of biological entities that is the path of least resistance. Nor did it come up that I don't treat people based on how I feel about them purely (I'm still helpful, respectful, and compassionate of people that I don't like).

The above is vague on purpose. It's not about the content but the effect. Whenever I think certain negative thoughts about others on the whole in general way while maintaining an awareness on exceptions, I feel very bad. However, maybe this experience was trying to encourage me to have more grace for myself in these instances and that part of my thinking negatively about others is an effect of rarely building myself up. These thoughts can also be brought about by way of being burned out. Without thinking about being "better" than anyone (whatever that means (but I worry that people will think I think that when I don't)), maybe in some ways I am "justified" in how I feel relative to how I perceive and think, which is very much polyvalent. Perhaps it comes with the conceptual territory I find myself in philosophically.

The crux is I care about how I affect people and don't want negative thinking to impact others negatively and that's why these kinds of thoughts bother me. Granted, I don't act on them except in very rare and particular contexts.

The visuals of the experience were mainly patterns and a breathing of the veil. I was wrapped in the experience by this veil. Interestingly, I was fully satisfied with the level of immersion and didn't have any inner conversations about "should I get up and take another hit," or "why is it so hard for you to get to where you wanna go?" I was just satisfied. I thank a lot of people on here who have helped me correct my thinking about myself encountering this by sharing their experiences and insights relative to a similar situation. While I'm that type that doesn't want to have to rely on anyone (upbringing), I have to say thank you to everyone for their honesty, vulnerability, and encouragement.

Having the inner stability and framework to approach the experience in the ways I have been lately is invaluable.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for letting me be honest.

One love
 
I told myself to smoalk just a little because I wanted to and I'm being better about doing what I want.

I loaded a small amount that a friend had gifted to me. I'm not sure each specific herb that comprises it, nor the ratios involved.

What I do know is that I am very fond of it.

It was my second experience of the day. I meant for it to be a bit lighter than my first one. The space had other plans.

I took a decent hit, nothing special, not big, not small. I was holding in the hit to see if I may want a second, only to notice a steeper onset than I anticipated, seeing swirling greys behind my eyes. The speed at which the greys swirled and the onset was first notice was an indication that I'd be journeying further than intended.

And it was weird.

I ended up blowing my hit out too early (around count 9 or 10 when I usually hold for a 19 count). I then tried to set the bowl down. When I opened my eyes I was surprised to see that things weren't too weird, not as weird and clearly psychedelic as it was behind my eyelids. I was able to experience this eyes opened aspect for a while because I couldn't quite tell if the flat part of the base of the pipe was on the shelf or not. Things were evolving, but very subtly, while I could feel a more dynamic change somewhere else...

I laid back down and closed my eyes. There was a lot of action. In adjusting myself, I had to open my eyes again and was again surprised that things weren't really altered. I was wondering what was going on.

It hit me that this is one of those times where they just wanted me so they took me.

I remember as I moved through a stone-style and vibed space, some jestery individuals went by, delivering a message to the effect of "we are kin."

Then I ended up in what appeared to be a cave with many many very relaxed and laidback gargoyle type entities. They let me hang out with them, being pensive, but chill at the same time. My kinda vibe. There was a lot of "friendship" in this space. A lot of trust...

And that was my lesson. Work on trust. Trust myself. Trust the space. Let go a bit and trust...

One love
 
Tummy full, joint between lips, and vape by my side, I write to a report and reflection.

In the spirit of a) doing what I'd like and b) playing with my GVG moar, I decided to smoalk around 20mg of enhanced leaf out of said GVG. It was already loaded, making it easier to get ready. The total amount of DMT is around 10mg in this batch of EF. I'm trying to dial in my technique a bit moar so am playing around with it, though 10mg has proved to be steep for an ever evolving and sensitizing system as my own.

It was mild. But nice.

The thought that I should redose moar, came to mind. Then I posted it on my status here. Then I got up, grabbed my changa pipe (also already loaded) sat back down and took a hit... I wasn't satisfied, but instead of stewing in my dissatisfaction and being unwilling to allow myself moar, I sat up and took a couple moar hits. I wasn't trying to do anything crazy, just get to a level that I could feel settled with. Reflecting the whole time on how much this can be a struggle, and then laughing at myself, since I was feeling pretty good, and reflecting well, and evolving with myself, a part of me knew still, that while I have what I need to go where I want in these spaces (I've done it many times before), that once out of it for long enough, I'd be back at "square one" again regardless. I laughed.

It's an odd thing. I really don't feel that this endeavor should be taken lightly, but instead approached thoughtfully, with respect and reverence. At the same time it highlights how so much is laughable, including the hang-ups and compunctions one might have about being in the space, but that can only be seen in light of said reverence and respect.

It ended up being a nice blend of mystical and philosophical with a nice little existential sprinkling.

This medicine is weird. It scares me. I love it.

One love
 
A Reflection:
I think I've been at this point before. I may have even mentioned it somewhere on the forum. My memory fails me a bit. My memory is one of the things that's brought me to this point.

I'm a bit fed up. And by a bit, a lot. I want to function better. But I have had depression all my life. And in a certain sense it goes untreated, because at some point I neglect taking heed with respect to it. And it's likely affecting my brain. That's why I bring up memory.

It's "not normal" to journey often... I don't care anymore. Do what works. That was part of the point of this thread, to hammer that in, and to destroy compunction. I want to live a better life. I want to feel better

And sorry to whine, there's just no one else to share this with. At least some of you will "get it."

I want to see myself, despite a depressive episode. Because despite other's conceptions, it may be something I struggle with for the rest of my life. If moar changa time helps ameliorate my symptoms and helps me live moar fully then okay. It's a bond. It's a connection. It's moar than helping with my mental health.

I smoalked today, and I'm feeling nice and sharp even if a little tired.

AND I HAVE TO REMEMBER THIS as since I have dealt with such heavy depression for so long, my internal reward system is likely a bit skewed and lacking.

I have to remember this... I have to remember this moment, right here, right now, of being fed up.

One love
 
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My stepfather once said: "Do what makes you happy".
I'd say "do what makes you happy within 'reason.'"

I feel like since we're talking about altered states of consciousness, especially ones involving DMT, I'm flirting with "reason" a bit even though I feel that what I want to do is with "good reason." 🤣

All the same, I care much less. I just have v remember...

One love
 
My stepfather was a man of few words and a fountain of practical experience. I'm assuming that the 'within reason' clause was something that was included under the 'common sense' clause. 😁

He has taught me more than my ego allows me to remember.

🦋
 
Impulse Experience:

"Why did I do it? Because I wanted. There's your reason"- @Nydex

I have been intentionally shifting. I've stopped smoking cannabis during the day and spend most of the day in silence. It's a growth practice. So I'm very anxious all the time.

I am talking to people though during these periods of silence, even if not vocally.

I spoke with @Nydex quite a bit yesterday. About lot's of stuff. But that's not important. What's important is that we were talking and he said the above when I was sharing some stuff with him that I have been growing out of.

I was feeling funky in the morning, so I took a morning journey. It was mild, but great. That's not important either. What's important is that there was a morning journey.

I journaled. Coming to terms with the fact that the space doesn't care if I'm "perfect" and doesn't have some goofy standard that shouldn't and doesn't apply to me. We'll just leave it at that. I'm welcome in hyperspace, flaws and all. The space, if it cares about much, cares only for the character and soul of an individual... or so it seems.

After journaling, I went about my evening. Throughout this time smoalking changa kept popping into my mind. I tried to fight the implulse. "Waaaaah, I journeyed once already today, I shouldn't do it again," "Waaaahhhh, but do I really feel like it?" "Waaaahhhhh, I can put it off until tomorrow..." "Waaaaahhh, it's getting late."

While sitting with my tea, I was unable to reload the game I had been playing so decided to call it quits for the night. The episode of the show I was watching was also coming to an end.

And I felt the impulse bludgeon my mind again...

And a large part of me did want to.

So I got up, set out my mat at my altar, turned off all the unnecessary lights, grabbed my tea, and then sat. It was silent, beautifully silent, even if loud and intense in its own way. I didn't even my air unit on. Opening the space, while invoking, I noticed something odd... I was comfortable. I took a sip of my tea, grabbed the bowl, and took a hit big enough to kick me in the back of the throat. I took another one, about the same size, and then another, and then a final one, attempting to finish the bowl. It was a bowl that had been toasted previously. Bowls that have already been hit tend to be a bit easier to manage because there's no longer as much DMT. It's very much harmala dominant. But DMT is still there, so sometimes I get myself a little surprise.

I kept my eyes open for an inordinate amount of time for this experience.

About half way through, I noticed that I was not depressed at all in that moment, and that was beautiful. It was a relief. I felt so good, and without compunction, I allowed it. I felt like I "saw" myself. The positives. The beneficial aspects. I then reflected on how hard it is to give myself this when I am not in the space. The years and years of torture and torment within, from something "not me" but still within me. This "demon" ever present. I cried, tears of joy and sadness combined. But this moment, this moment I hope to keep in my mind in a way that when I recall it and deeply feel the memory and what it entails. Remember it more emotionally than anything else. To recall it in times of need.

I then found myself laughing, somewhat hysterically, at the absurdity of it all, with a bit of frustration in the laugh, being aware that some of the same blocks would reappear sometime after the experience is over... that just means I should do it again.

As my boss recently told me, "you're a medicine person! Do your medicine, do your work."

I'm a psychonaut too... :alien:

One love
 
That's what I wanna see - you following the path of the heart more frequently than you do the path of the brain. A certain level of impulsivity should always be present in these things - the medicine space understands that and will not boot you out just because you didn't have a carefully crafted string of reasons and justifications to indulge.

Do your medicine, medicine man. <3
 
After reading some of your thread I know I among the right folks.

"Why did I do it? Because I wanted. In the least amount of words that is why I am here and do the medicine.

Sometimes I feel like I want to lose my mind, isn't that the adventure.

I am still parachuting back in so please take it with a grain of salt.
 
That's what I wanna see - you following the path of the heart more frequently than you do the path of the brain. A certain level of impulsivity should always be present in these things - the medicine space understands that and will not boot you out just because you didn't have a carefully crafted string of reasons and justifications to indulge.

Do your medicine, medicine man. <3
Since you helped, I'd like to respond to lots of parts, just as a clarifying act, not being nitpicky.

It's interesting, in some ways i agree, but there's other ways where I'm like, "but I am." It's my heart that keeps me going back. Definitely not my brain.

However, as i shared with you, doing what we want doesn't mean it should be mindless... quite the contrary, we should be mindful, because at lot of stupid stuff happens of people just doing what they want without thinking about it.

However, I still concede that I could be more lax and more heart centered in my thoughtfulness.

And at the same time, with the spice especially, some of this brain centered approach is a paranoid response from a) the spice being the spice and b) due to sayings that were heavily enforced growing up, such as, "don't do something is you don't know why you're doing it," where the answer of, "because I wanted to," was unsatisfactory.

All the same, I take your meaning, I have gratitude for you as the being you are, and will heed your advice

❤️❤️❤️

After reading some of your thread I know I among the right folks.

"Why did I do it? Because I wanted. In the least amount of words that is why I am here and do the medicine.

Sometimes I feel like I want to lose my mind, isn't that the adventure.

I am still parachuting back in so please take it with a grain of salt.
You definitely are in the right place! I hop on here when I'm landing regularly.

One love
 
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This is just a little reflection.

Sometime last week there was a member who made mention of one not being "serious" about doing DMT, or that it's a waste of time, if one doesn't break through and go for breakthrough doses only. Now, while I couldn't take this person nor their stance on the matter seriously, this still dredged up some things that I have been working on for a long time. Things that I had been in a more settled space with before coming across this narrative. It bugs me, because as we all know, I very much want to get into the depths, but I'm just not there right now. I'm not in a space I once was to do so.

Granted, I'm confident that if I had the right sitter I'd be there already, however, I'm stubborn, and as an effect of experience, it would mean more to me to be able to do it alone. So, I could've gone the distance a while ago... but inner strength is important to me. How I see myself is important... now.

Also last week I went on a little bit of a tirade with @Jungleheart , observing the inherent flaws and fallacies that others promote with regards to expectations in mental health. To be direct, the idea that, "you just need to live a balanced life, with good food, good water, exercise, etc" and your mental health will fall in line is a fallacy. There are so many variables and effects in mental health that we still don't know the cause or causes to certain conditions and experiences of those conditions. I say this because I eat well (my issue is not eating enough), I drink plenty of water, exercise regularly, among a plethora of other self-care related things and activities... and guess what... I still experience mental health struggles.

Tangentially, aside from this assumption above there comes one of one shouldn't need "drugs" and that if someone is using drugs, they are self-medicating or are escaping. The self-medicating I can see, but this isn't good or bad, but rather how one augments based on their self-medicating that seems to matter. The latter is false though. I can't escape inside the psychedelic space, nor do I want to. More correctly, it's false relative to me and my experience.

This is all poignant to me. It's helping me see the barrier a bit more. It helps to locate what bind is connected to what other bind that holds me back.

I had had a few challenging experiences that I didn't feel good about and as a result, lost trust, or was able to identify a lack of trust, within myself.

I've been getting deeper on my own, but there are still layers to peel.

One of those layers is the part of me that tries to have a problem with what I want to do. So, it doesn't matter how far I journey right now, what matters is getting myself in the space with trust (myself and the medicine/tool/toy) and no compunctions. A compunction is a cue of not trusting myself.

Part of the reason that this is important is that I'm tired of this felt cognitive decline and I'm tired of being anhedonic.

One love
 
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Just a reflection.

With the depressive state being ever present, I've spent years not really looking forward to anything. The reward system is too dysfunctional. One thing I do look forward to is my time in the psychedelic space, particularly with DMT and harmalas. I've had a hang up for having that be something that I look forward to, wanting to be mindful and not fry myself (I swear, it doesn't seem to matter what psychedelic, too much of any of them without mindfulness and proper integration and appropriate breaks seems to fry the mind, and this is something that I've always had concerns about). This worry is too much of a good thing.

I do that a lot, appeal to too much of a good thing, from being a good person, to my own journey work. I end up holding myself back too much.

This has come up because I've been using DMT and changa (so harmalas too) as an almost daily anti-depressant. I tend to wake up depressed, so this happens first thing in the morning. Now I'm not going far (except sometimes I'll get a little deeper), but regardless, no where near a break-through. Why have a problem with something that helps me look forward to other things, and gets me out of the daily funk a bit, especially if it helps me to function in my daily life.

I've also been at this psychedelic game for a while and really should be putting more trust into the skill that I have developed over time.

SMOALK MOAR

One love
 


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