Introduction of a lost soul

[Lizz]

Well, after much waffling and lurking, i finally decided to join this site. The discussions have always intrigued me, and i love psychedelics, and there seems to be a lot less hostility and petty arguments than on certain other forums..:?
So hi, you can call me Lizz

I suppose i should start by saying i was raised pretty typically, being born in the USA and having the whole "drugs are bad, mmkay?" spiel shoved down my throat from a young age. I was straight edge throughout high school, mistakenly believing that so much as one puff of a doobie would send my perceived "bright future" spiralling down the toilet. Well, i wasnt TOTALLY straight edge, i did like to drink, but i was always given the impression that that was ok, because both my parents did. Hahaha right?

So anyway, ive been struggling with a mental illness called BPD since i was prepubescent. The symptoms include but are not limited to; extremely low self esteem, eating disorder, depression, self harm/suicidal tendencies and probably the most awful-widely erratic uncontrollable emotions. From fifth grade to very recently ive been on eight or nine different ssris, ssnris, mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics. None of them did a lick of help. Ive been hospitalized 6 times.Ive been to about a dozen different psychologists therapists and psychiatrists but all their coping skills and worksheets just dont seem to help when the feelings get too much.

So eventually at age 20, i finally decide to try marijuana. I had a lot of friends encourage me to try it, a lot of friends who used it for their issues with depression. And for the first time in a WHILE i felt content. Happy. Overwhelmingly POSITIVE. This mere plant did for me what years of "proven western pharmaceuticals" could not. I know there is certain disagreements on this site as to whether or not cannabis is an entheogen- and maybe im using the word erroneously- but for me, i would say it is. Mind, i still get depressed a lot actually. I just find my moods a lot more stable now and i can remain calm better in extreme situations. Believe me there is still plenty of room for improvement. Especially the self esteem.

Since trying marijuana, i opened my mind to other psychoactive substances (but theres still crap i wont touch of course) lsd being the first, then mdma. And this summer ive added dmt and mushrooms to the list. While ive "dropped in" "rolled" and "candy-flipped" a bunch of times by now, ive only experienced mushrooms once and ive only blasted off twice ( i will post my first two exp reports once i am allowed). So yeah i am pretty much a noob. I am open to try any entheogen and i certainly look forward to growing and extracting my own spice because dmt has been the second most beautiful experience in my life next to giving birth to my son. I also would like very much to attend an ayuhuasca ceremony after reading so many accounts of how it helped heal people who had holes in their life. I need to get over this issue once and for all and i feel pretty confident that this the way. I mean if nothing our wonderful western medical system has to offer me is helping, maybe there is something to this plant-based meditative healing that so many other cultures subscribe too? Im sure it wont be an easy journey, and im sure my first few ayuhuasca experiences will be AWFUL but i need to get over this hurdle to blossom as a better mother, a better wife, a better ME. Afterall, im 25 and i still havent really amounted to any thing. I think if i can get over it i could even achieve my dream in life; to be an animator. Gosh im such a windbag...

 

[waitwhatwhere]

Welcome to the Nexus, Lizz!

Thanks for the nice introduction, it seems like you've had a journey with mental health. Some would caution people with your history about moving into psychedelic spaces with your history, but I'd say in your case it is merely all the more important that you enter these experiences with as much knowledge and support as possible. Luckily, there is plenty of both on the Nexus. And besides, so far, so good, eh?

I'd reccommend reading through the Open Hyperspace Traveler document as a great starting point for a self-described n00b. Next, fill out the Questionnaire for faster promotion!

I'll be looking for your trip reports! :thumb_up:

 

[Lizz]

Heh thanks . Yep! i' ve really only ever had overall positive experiences with psychedelics. I dont think my mental illness is getting exacerbated from these experiences, in fact, for weeks after i trip i notice a significant improvement in my moods. Im sure at first ayuhuasca will be very scary and probably very vomity as well-all things considered but i am not afraid. it can only be a massive step in the right direction.

I know, ive been trying to fill out the questionaire in every minute of free time i get! ><

 

[null24]

Hey lizz, welcome! You're one of many that tepresent a " new wave" of psychedelicism; individuals seeking out and interacting with them consciously for the expressed intent of solving deep rooted emotional/psychological/physical/spiritual health issues, sometimes all at once. As you've seen they can be very effective applied practically. I'm sure you will find plenty of support and help from this community, it's a great resource on many levels!

I don't know much about BPD are we talking about bipolar, borderline personality or another disorder? Going at it blind and don't take this as medical advice, disorders like that are at the front line for treatable conditions with psychs. It seems the closer something is tied to an emotional center the more it reacts with psychedelics. But i dont know what I'm talking about so...

As far as the entheogen semantic thing, for me personally, the term relates only to certain peak spiritual experiences or the purposeful attempt to reach such a state thru an outer influence- drugs namely. And oh yeah cannabis sure enough can be one, especially it seems once one is initiated into hyperspace. It becomes easier to achieve it and can even happen spontaneously.

'Psychedelic' for me refers to more general aspects of the experience, including culture as well as the materials themselves. Not that that means squat, that's just how I use them when I write or go on at length.

Think you're a windbag?:lol:

Tip for windbaggerry: paragraph breaks:thumb_up:

 

[anne halonium]

Think you're a windbag?

^of course i am well known for that.

welcome lizz.
the combination of better diet,
better attitudes, sense of community,
better information on psyches,
and ,then talking to elves,
works good for many here.

relax, and allow for a transformation.
youll thank us and yourself.

 

[SynKyd]

Heh thanks . Yep! i' ve really only ever had overall positive experiences with psychedelics. I dont think my mental illness is getting exacerbated from these experiences, in fact, for weeks after i trip i notice a significant improvement in my moods. Im sure at first ayuhuasca will be very scary and probably very vomity as well-all things considered but i am not afraid. it can only be a massive step in the right direction.

I know, ive been trying to fill out the questionaire in every minute of free time i get! ><

Welcome! The questionnaire is optional actually, or what we used to call a snipe hunt when I was a kid.

Your observations of this forum are spot-on, I believe you will find some like minded friends here. Please be safe in everything you partake in.

 

[Lizz]

Hey lizz, welcome! You're one of many that tepresent a " new wave" of psychedelicism; individuals seeking out and interacting with them consciously for the expressed intent of solving deep rooted emotional/psychological/physical/spiritual health issues, sometimes all at once. As you've seen they can be very effective applied practically. I'm sure you will find plenty of support and help from this community, it's a great resource on many levels!

I don't know much about BPD are we talking about bipolar, borderline personality or another disorder? Going at it blind and don't take this as medical advice, disorders like that are at the front line for treatable conditions with psychs. It seems the closer something is tied to an emotional center the more it reacts with psychedelics. But i dont know what I'm talking about so...

As far as the entheogen semantic thing, for me personally, the term relates only to certain peak spiritual experiences or the purposeful attempt to reach such a state thru an outer influence- drugs namely. And oh yeah cannabis sure enough can be one, especially it seems once one is initiated into hyperspace. It becomes easier to achieve it and can even happen spontaneously.

'Psychedelic' for me refers to more general aspects of the experience, including culture as well as the materials themselves. Not that that means squat, that's just how I use them when I write or go on at length.

Think you're a windbag?:lol:

Tip for windbaggerry: paragraph breaks:thumb_up:

Thanks for the warm welcome! Yes; it is borderline. I have been doing a lot of research into the potential health benefits of psychs on disorders like PTSD depression and anxiety and while there isnt a whole lot because of the schedule 1 status, what studies do exist have overwhelmingly positive results. That isnt neccesarily why i started taking psychedelics, but once i noted the way they made me feel, i continued to roll with it.

There isnt a whole lot of medical research currently available on BPD and its relatively new to the DSM but as far as psychologists have been able to see, its most likely caused by childhood trauma or some other environmental influence rather than genetics. What could be the cause of mine i have no idea, and thats what im hoping to gain from ayuhuasca. Other than some bullying as a youngun i cant think of anything too traumatic.

Heh ^^' sorry about that, i was quickly trying to type on my downtime at work.
(Also, awesome Peppermint Butler icpn waitwhatwhere, Adventure time rules xp)

 

[Lizz]

welcome lizz.
the combination of better diet,
better attitudes, sense of community,
better information on psyches,
and ,then talking to elves,
works good for many here.

relax, and allow for a transformation.
youll thank us and yourself.

Yeah this seems like a good place. Everyone here seems really cool. Thanks so much for the encouragement. I hope i can offer something to the commumity as well!

Welcome! The questionnaire is optional actually, or what we used to call a snipe hunt when I was a kid.

Your observations of this forum are spot-on, I believe you will find some like minded friends here. Please be safe in everything you partake in.

Oh haha i wasnt sure, it seemed like that was the best way to become a full member.

 

[spacexplorer]

Hello, welcome