Lost and trying to be found

[LillaDraken]

This is my attempt at introduction. Although English isn't my native language, so I hope that you'll be patient with me and can ignore horrible grammar.

I am a "Gen X" and was taught to think of psychedelics as something akin to heroine. So it's fair to say that I have never even tried anything stronger than prescripted pain killers for a short period of time, or alcohol. I never even dared to accept a joint in my teens.
Fighting depression for the last twenty years has instead forced me into the pharmaceutical path of useless antidepressants. And here I DID try them all, more or less, to no avail. Some helped for a short period of time, but the side effects were horrendous and in turn made me feel even worse.

A couple of years ago, when the CBD wave started expanding in the world and grew to be more accepted, I finally left my bubble of what I thought was safe (just because the pharmacy told me so) and tried it out in form of oil drops. This had a small effect on me, and I got my hopes up. It turned out to be quite expensive though, and hard to come by if you wanted descent cbd that was of good quality. I had to order from abroad and just hopes that it wouldn't be caught up somewhere by authorities.
So, life tossed me some added curveballs and I had to go back to antidepressants just to get by.

A year ago, I suddenly and unexpectedly lost my twinsoul, best friend and the only one who knew me better than I even know myself. My constant support and safety for the past 30 years... and my life shattered and my soul torn apart. He was such a huge part of me that I had (and still has) a hard time knowing where my soul ended and his begun.
Like trying to separate two colours that had been mixed into a third one.
But my young daughter needs me, and she's the reason I keep fighting.
But I wish, I want and I HOPE that there's a way where it doesn't have to be a struggle to be rid of the dark clouds that constantly surrounds me. I am desperately looking for a way to heal, in all possible ways, so that my smiles one day will feel less forced and weak.
To find energy to deal with the depression and not just letting it have its way with me.

I'm hoping psilocybin is the answer. That it can help me more thoroughly than cbd, which barely scratched the surface.

I've spent the last two-three months reading and watching videos of psilocybin. Both for tripping and microdosing, and yesterday me and my dog went out to look for Libs for the very first time. No luck.
Today we actually did find three tiny, baby ones, and suddenly my desperate hope for a life where depression doesn't rule my very existence feels within reach.

I wanted to join here as I feel that I am an unknowing child in this and could use the help and guidance of more knowledgeable individuals.

And I think that summons it all up - for now.

Kind regards
Draken

 

[Tomtegubbe]

Hello LillaDraken!

I hope we can be of help here. There is an enormous potential for healing in psychedelics, but they can also take you to difficult places mentally and spiritually. When you have the substance, it's usually a good idea to find a peaceful state of mind and a place to be for the experience. If you have a friend who can be present or who you can call if needed, that can take away some of the anxiety the psychedelics can bring forth.

Please feel welcome to share what you experience and I hope we can help you with any questions that may arise on the path or then just ponder together what it is all about.

Anyway, congratulations for taking the first step on this path, that I hope will be a path of healing to you and welcome to Nexus!

 

[Voidmatrix]

A warm welcome to you.

Tomtegubbe is spot on imo about the healing as well as taking one to hard places. From my own personal experience, the hard places are opportunities for the greatest healing if we can commit and surrender and allow ourselves to stay with the experience. Easier said than done. Granted, these types of occurrences in psychedelic experience tend to happen more during deeper journeys than with say mircodosing.

I will share something I wrote about my own experience with depression that can hopefully help you navigate your own personal and unique experience with depression. I cope and manage depression constantly as well and I will say that CBD and cannabis along with many psychedelics have been valuable allies and partners toward better functioning despite depression. I find it's all about how one uses them, from mindful approaches, proper dosages relative to the goals at hand, finding a balanced frequency, and being willing to do the work inside and outside of the psychedelic spaces.

I hope that you are able to discover the tools and techniques you need to help heal yourself

One love

 

[LillaDraken]

Thank you both.
I'm not sure it's possible for me to find a peaceful state of mind, although I know how important this is. When the time comes, I will of course try to do so, but from what I've watched and read, it seems like the shroom might have none of that. So I suspect that it will be a very rough ride with a lot of demons to face.
Or maybe it accepts my call for help? Without any experience it seems silly of me to even speculate.

It does seem like the biggest rewards, insights and understanding, comes on the higher dosages. But I think I will start on a low dose (if I manage to find enough for even that)

I have tried to be spiritual my whole life, which sounds weird to say. Like the little dude said; Do, or do not. There is no 'try'
But it has always interested me. I read Carlos Castanedas books when I was in my early twenties and felt so thrilled over the prospect that these hidden planes existed. But this was pre-internet and information was almost impossible to come by. I tried, and failed, a lot of the "New Age" things that came around in the early 90's, but the lack of success in anything finally put my interests to sleep again.

But here I go again. Hoping that I've finally found something that can help.
I just want to feel whole.

 

[Justsomedude]

Welcome to you.

You're best off starting on a low dose of any psyche you take the first time,due to biological variations you never know how you might respond to a substance until you try it, a "normal" dose might already be too strong, or too weak, it's best to start and expand slowly.

Be forewarned that psychedelics are not universally useful, some people are less suited to the experience.

Either way, I hope you get what you're looking for and are able to change your life towards the positive.

 

[Hyper Turtle]

Thank you both.
I'm not sure it's possible for me to find a peaceful state of mind, although I know how important this is. When the time comes, I will of course try to do so, but from what I've watched and read, it seems like the shroom might have none of that. So I suspect that it will be a very rough ride with a lot of demons to face.
Or maybe it accepts my call for help? Without any experience it seems silly of me to even speculate.

It does seem like the biggest rewards, insights and understanding, comes on the higher dosages. But I think I will start on a low dose (if I manage to find enough for even that)

I have tried to be spiritual my whole life, which sounds weird to say. Like the little dude said; Do, or do not. There is no 'try'
But it has always interested me. I read Carlos Castanedas books when I was in my early twenties and felt so thrilled over the prospect that these hidden planes existed. But this was pre-internet and information was almost impossible to come by. I tried, and failed, a lot of the "New Age" things that came around in the early 90's, but the lack of success in anything finally put my interests to sleep again.

But here I go again. Hoping that I've finally found something that can help.
I just want to feel whole.

Hey LillaDraken, welcome!

It is definitely wise to start low. That's not to say that a big initial dose can't be great, but it sure has its risks, especially when you're already not the most stable person. Also you can't really expect things to go the same for you as they did for someone whose trip report you read.

In my experience, psychedelics can absolutely make you feel whole. At least for a while... One of the challenges is living 'life as usual' after such an experience. Feeling not whole kinda hurts more when you return to it. It sounds cheesy af, but "learn to love yourself" is really good advice, and psychedelics can help a lot with that.

Of course it's best if you can be at peace when you take psychedelics, but sometimes that's just not possible. Whether that means not to take them, only you can decide. I think the most important thing is that you're sincere, both with yourself and with the plant or substance you're ingesting. In my personal history with them, psychedelics have usually been benevolent. They only treated me harshly when i was being cocky, or very inconsiderate.

It's essential to understand that they're not medication like we usually think of it. You don't take them and they do some work for you. You take them and they show you the work you have to do, as well as give you perspectives and tools to do it.

Ask for what you need, commit, surrender and accept what you get in return. Not like you have much choice anyway.

Btw, the secret to finding many shrooms is eating the first few you find