Loved one triggers old ego habits

[0neir0naut]

I've recently picked up transcendental meditation. To clarify for anyone who isn't clear on the structure of TM, I meditate in the mornings and evenings for 20 mins each time.

Even though I've only very recently started, I have noticed it makes it easier for me to practice presence in my daily activities. I have a long way to go, though. My brain is a motorised vehicle and I have to constantly remind myself to 'let go' and watch my thoughts float past as an observer, not a participator.

At any rate, whilst I have noticed it's easy for me to practice this presence alone, I have a very difficult time when I am with my partner. Once he gets home from work, he is usually a little grumpy and it puts me off. I am very sensitive about other peoples' feelings, but my ego tends to interpret my partners' grumpiness as rejection/anger. He does not act out or anything, but I find my ego becomes more pronounced around him at this point. I feel vulnerable because he often wants to be alone and spend time on the computer, making my ego once again feel rejected and then this turns into resentment. At this point the ability to be present and compassionate seems to go out the window. I don't act out on my anger, but I definitely sit with it and pout. :thumb_dow

I just wanted to ask any of you who practice meditation and/or presence whether you have triggers for ego habits to arise and how you respond to it. This is difficult for me because I love my partner very, very much and I spend most of my time with him. I want to be compassionate towards his exhaustion from a day of work and I don't want my ego to come up and think his exhaustion is a personal attack. Any advice? :?

 

[Global]

I'm a musician, and I enjoy writing and making art (though art is probably my weakest of the three). My triggers are pretty simple. I like producing "stuff" - be it music, writing, art...and when people tell me they like it, that's probably the biggest one. I have to stay alert, and keep myself in check. It's natural that your ego grows in the company of your partner because it's sort of what mediates your relation to society (social situations). Obviously meditating alone minimizes interactions where you need to be concerned about the way you appear to others, and so on...

 

[Jin]

are you practicing with a mantra ?

or reality tricks like - paying attention to breath , sounds and there are visual tricks aswell

incase of the mantra it will be very hard to let go in these situations

if you're practicing reality tricks then i don't see why you could not just continue practicing even if your partner is around

i meditate all the time 24 x 7 , however my meditation is like concentration rather than reflection , and i chant a mantra rarely

i am more into reality tricks and i practice them all the time , if practicing reality tricks then you could keep paying attention to you breath even when your partner is around , rather than paying attention to his grumpiness you could pay attention to your breath

you could even use your partners voice as a tool for sound meditation , when a conversation evolves

this way you could meditate even when your partner is around

the mantra cannot do this as it will keep you occupied in your own mind , and till the time you're in your mind , things will look difficult

 

[brokenChild]

I personally think it would be more vital to establish a firmer communication with your partner about these feelings and reactions so you can melt some of your own misunderstandings about his reactions, as well as some of his misunderstandings about your reactions. Absolute truth in communication (about absolutely everything essential) is generally good to uphold if the interaction is to grow to a positive and healthy direction; what I mean here is that both of you should be comfortable enough with each other to be able to bring any issue up for discussion with a certain level of intelligence and understanding, without fear of judgements or ridicule

Hope that helped somewhat

 

[0neir0naut]

It's natural that your ego grows in the company of your partner because it's sort of what mediates your relation to society (social situations). Obviously meditating alone minimizes interactions where you need to be concerned about the way you appear to others, and so on...

This makes sense to me. My ego worries about what others think of me, and in a way even what my partner thinks of me. I guess I am too attached to social validation in that respect.

are you practicing with a mantra ?

No, not at this point. I just 'let go' or 'unclench' to become in the present. To rediscover the Self as awareness apart from mind. I am still struggling, though. At times my practice has become more about 'trying' to 'achieve something'. Which I know is not the point of meditation. Meditating on breath and sound seems like a good idea to keep me grounded in the present. I will try this.

I personally think it would be more vital to establish a firmer communication with your partner about these feelings and reactions so you can melt some of your own misunderstandings about his reactions, as well as some of his misunderstandings about your reactions.

I do communicate with him, but I suppose not in as honest a way possible. I ask him if he wants to be left alone, or if I am annoying him by talking (I talk a lot), and he always says no. I get worried I am paranoid at this point! I'm not sure what to communicate to him; how to accurately express myself when I feel that this is my own problem.

Thanks all for your advice

 

[0neir0naut]

or reality tricks like - paying attention to breath , sounds and there are visual tricks aswell

I'm really interested in these 'reality tricks' - do you have any further reading to recommend?

 

[brokenChild]

I do communicate with him, but I suppose not in as honest a way possible. I ask him if he wants to be left alone, or if I am annoying him by talking (I talk a lot), and he always says no. I get worried I am paranoid at this point! I'm not sure what to communicate to him; how to accurately express myself when I feel that this is my own problem.

It's important to first of all pinpoint the problems specifically; you need to understand yourself which problems are created by you alone, and which ones are misunderstandings between the two of you.

You have to understand that the nature of partner interaction is a two-way street, and because two different beings are involved, they bring in their own benefits, and their own flaws... if love is there, through meditation it deepens in time, and a deeper harmony grows, but if its based on falsity, then it will create more falsity. Real love can only happen to real people, hence my insistance on honesty, it just needs to be properly understood. As long as you're sincere, you shouldn't have much to worry about; mistakes happen, we all make them, every relationship has them, just do what you can to learn from each one and not repeat it; it's intrinsic to life itself and is part of growth.

But as far as accurate expression goes when you feel it's your own problem, you should figure out the very root of your own problem and do what you can to resolve it within yourself, but if that process somehow creates tension between you two (your own self-resolution of own problem) then feel free to clearly state your intentions to your partner. It's a partnership, so a lot of times you can benefit each other in a lot of ways and see things from a perspective that is unavailable to the one in question (in other words, he may be able to help you solve your problem to understand it better, and you the same on his; two heads are sometimes better than one)

Everything is situational tho, some problems only you will be able to solve on your own, and vice-versa, but don't be afraid of clear, sincere communication with your partner; it will deepen trust and understanding. Approach each problem within yourself and find the root cause of it, then proceed to treat it from there... if it's a misunderstanding between you two, simple communication clarity should resolve it, if it's something internal, then insight into it and proper understanding of that root cause should resolve that too... always approach the root cause, not just the expression of it

Hope that made sense and cleared it up more

 

[0neir0naut]

I do communicate with him, but I suppose not in as honest a way possible. I ask him if he wants to be left alone, or if I am annoying him by talking (I talk a lot), and he always says no. I get worried I am paranoid at this point! I'm not sure what to communicate to him; how to accurately express myself when I feel that this is my own problem.

It's important to first of all pinpoint the problems specifically; you need to understand yourself which problems are created by you alone, and which ones are misunderstandings between the two of you.

You have to understand that the nature of partner interaction is a two-way street, and because two different beings are involved, they bring in their own benefits, and their own flaws... if love is there, through meditation it deepens in time, and a deeper harmony grows, but if its based on falsity, then it will create more falsity. Real love can only happen to real people, hence my insistance on honesty, it just needs to be properly understood. As long as you're sincere, you shouldn't have much to worry about; mistakes happen, we all make them, every relationship has them, just do what you can to learn from each one and not repeat it; it's intrinsic to life itself and is part of growth.

But as far as accurate expression goes when you feel it's your own problem, you should figure out the very root of your own problem and do what you can to resolve it within yourself, but if that process somehow creates tension between you two (your own self-resolution of own problem) then feel free to clearly state your intentions to your partner. It's a partnership, so a lot of times you can benefit each other in a lot of ways and see things from a perspective that is unavailable to the one in question (in other words, he may be able to help you solve your problem to understand it better, and you the same on his; two heads are sometimes better than one)

Everything is situational tho, some problems only you will be able to solve on your own, and vice-versa, but don't be afraid of clear, sincere communication with your partner; it will deepen trust and understanding. Approach each problem within yourself and find the root cause of it, then proceed to treat it from there... if it's a misunderstanding between you two, simple communication clarity should resolve it, if it's something internal, then insight into it and proper understanding of that root cause should resolve that too... always approach the root cause, not just the expression of it

Hope that made sense and cleared it up more

Really sound and complete advice. Thank you I will be more honest about my vulnerability with him and see how that goes. I have felt a recent building up of this 'resentment' or feeling of 'not being on the same page' recently as I have become more engrossed in existentialism and humanity's current justice and philosophical issues. Since he has started working I have noticed he does not want to talk 'deeply' as much, and prefers to play video games or talk lightly about things. I know it's unrealistic of me, and shallow, to expect us to always be on the same page in life, so I will be patient and compassionate where possible. But yes, I should not undermine the usefulness of communication. Everything you've said makes perfect sense. Through honest communication I am sure it will become clearer how I can be more empathetic towards him, and vice versa. Thanks again buddy!

 

[brokenChild]

Anytime, glad I could help.

A few more things that I think it would be helpful for you to understand;

1. When focusing on the issues of humanity, feel free to help where you can, but understand that you can never change the world; the world will always run the way it runs, take the good with the bad and make the most of it. You can only ever really fully and totally change yourself, and be an example to everyone else that needs it on how to do things rightly (which you will have to discover within yourself)

2. Be careful with philosophy, philosophical arguments have been ongoing for centuries, but the problem with that is that it's all based on emptiness, in a way... it's just thinking about doing, they're based on theoreticals, and life itself is grounded in real and direct experience... so knowing can only come through direct experience, whereas philosphy can give you a certain knowledge, but never knowing itself, because it's grounded in the mental and the hypothetical, whereas reality is grounded in the real. So, it has certain beneficial applications, but only use it where needed, otherwise if you get too deeply engrossed in it, you'll end up being too much of a mental think tank with not enough practical application and experience. And direct experience is the only thing that can give you true and direct knowledge of anything, tho thinking can sometimes be useful as well.

3. Be careful with transcandental meditations, particularly the ones based on mantras. The mantra is a useful tool, but if you get too attached to it, it can get rooted in your being and you won't be able to do simple tasks without them; basically don't bind yourself to any mantras to the point that it creates dependence; find a way to just act out of clear consciousness. Mantras keep the mind occupied, but ultimately you want total and direct understanding of, and conscious utility of your whole mind without any mantras. Be your own master, in other words

 

[0neir0naut]

Anytime, glad I could help.

A few more things that I think it would be helpful for you to understand;

1. When focusing on the issues of humanity, feel free to help where you can, but understand that you can never change the world; the world will always run the way it runs, take the good with the bad and make the most of it. You can only ever really fully and totally change yourself, and be an example to everyone else that needs it on how to do things rightly (which you will have to discover within yourself)

2. Be careful with philosophy, philosophical arguments have been ongoing for centuries, but the problem with that is that it's all based on emptiness, in a way... it's just thinking about doing, they're based on theoreticals, and life itself is grounded in real and direct experience... so knowing can only come through direct experience, whereas philosphy can give you a certain knowledge, but never knowing itself, because it's grounded in the mental and the hypothetical, whereas reality is grounded in the real. So, it has certain beneficial applications, but only use it where needed, otherwise if you get too deeply engrossed in it, you'll end up being too much of a mental think tank with not enough practical application and experience. And direct experience is the only thing that can give you true and direct knowledge of anything, tho thinking can sometimes be useful as well.

3. Be careful with transcandental meditations, particularly the ones based on mantras. The mantra is a useful tool, but if you get too attached to it, it can get rooted in your being and you won't be able to do simple tasks without them; basically don't bind yourself to any mantras to the point that it creates dependence; find a way to just act out of clear consciousness. Mantras keep the mind occupied, but ultimately you want total and direct understanding of, and conscious utility of your whole mind without any mantras. Be your own master, in other words

Wow. I actually really needed this... Points 1 and 2 especially. I am currently very upset over climate change, but I should let go of the concept of 'changing the world' and instead ride the wave, yes? & yes I tend to over philosophise almost 24/7. It's interesting, you having said this reminds me of why my partner does not respond to my philosophising. He often tries to ground me by drawing my attention to something real, like a possum in the tree. :d I have forgotten that he is a grounding sort of guy, and he never meant to hurt me through avoiding engagement with my existentialism.

I don't actually meditate with mantras, but I am curious about your personal opinion on TM in general? I simply sit and 'let go'. If thoughts come in, I watch them pass. That's what I'm trying anyway. I've only been at this for 3 days but I have been very drawn to self-reflection through ego dissolution lately. Do you recommend other methods to play with?

 

[brokenChild]

self-understanding I think would be the main purpose, but as far as meditations go the only true method I've found useful and beneficial is basically "witnessing" or just simply watching, being aware of what is.

So, you can say the word "thought" in your head, repeatedly, and you'll be able to mentally see the energy expressed in thought form... so there's the mental aspect of mental repetition, and there's the awareness aspect of being conscious of the mental aspect... with this you can be aware of every thought process and every thought pattern that goes on. The mind is just a tool, but it helps to understand this tool rightly and thoroughly, and it's full applications (which are unlimited) as well as its limitations (the scope of it's application is limited) to make it less confusing, the areas where the mind can be usefully applied, like science and math and technology and logic and communication, are infinite in nature, but there are some things that the mind is incapable of understanding; love for example... that can only be directly experienced. Or the mystery that is life

Witnessing, or simply being aware in the experience, without mind interaction or labeling, so direct experience of something, gives you pure contact with existence.

 

[0neir0naut]

Witnessing, or simply being aware in the experience, without mind interaction or labeling, so direct experience of something, gives you pure contact with existence.

This is what I meant by 'presence'. The act of bringing your senses back to the present. I believe a lot of anxiety and unnecessary suffering is brought about by thinking in the past and future.

I haven't meditated for 10 years. I grew to the conclusion that practising presence was meditation in itself. But I've lately felt very lost - in every sense of the word - so I am curious about committing to meditation twice a day and what it can do for my presence practice.

 

[brokenChild]

On that same note, why not do everything meditatively :thumb_up: i.e. consciously, and then just grow that consciousness

Or, in other terms, as it relates to your idea of presence... be consciously present in all you do; eating, walking, talking, relating, even philosophizing, then everything that needs to fall away will fall away on its own, but not because you've made an effort to drop it, because you'll consciously see the futility of it yourself; and everything that's necessary will grow and expand on it's own :lol:

 

[Metanoia]

I'm in the same boat here, so I have no advice. I've tried to get my partner to take up meditation or yoga with me but he's very stubborn and set in his ways. He's a great guy but I often feel that anger/rejection and it makes it very hard to stay in a positive place.

 

[0neir0naut]

I'm in the same boat here, so I have no advice. I've tried to get my partner to take up meditation or yoga with me but he's very stubborn and set in his ways. He's a great guy but I often feel that anger/rejection and it makes it very hard to stay in a positive place.

I feel you. I am best with him when I am present with him. Just being with him without wanting him to be any other way. Of course, it's easier said than done. I think we tend to identify very intimately with our partners, so when something we find very important is of no interest to them it can actually feel confronting. Resentment builds from the vulnerable feeling that I may be alone in this particular part of my journey. I don't think we're not going in the same direction though, maybe I've decided to walk whilst he's decided to skip? Haha, lousy analogy

 

[brokenChild]

I'm in the same boat here, so I have no advice. I've tried to get my partner to take up meditation or yoga with me but he's very stubborn and set in his ways. He's a great guy but I often feel that anger/rejection and it makes it very hard to stay in a positive place.

the reason for that anger/rejection is because you're trying to impose something on him in which he's unwilling to participate, and imposition is an infringement against his basic personal freedom. The thing we have to understand is that every being has absolute freedom to make their own choices, so if they don't want to partake in meditation, then trying to force it on them is not the way to go. You have to allow them to completely be just the way they are, as 0neir0naut mentioned, but then you are also free to be just the way YOU are, and if you choose to partake in meditative practices, then that is YOUR freedom, but then allow the other total freedom to partake in whatever they choose to partake in. And the only way to really and properly offer the benefits of meditation to someone's life, is by keeping it as a completely open invitation. They may accept, they may not, but that is their freedom. All you can ever do is love them, and lead by example on your side by making the benefits of meditation clear in the expression of your own life. Then, perhaps if they see the positive beneficial change, they too will want to know your secret, but then they will be willing to accept and you can rightfully and openly share it with them, but they also may not be, and that is their ultimate freedom.

That's all you can really do that I've found to be effective without being intrusive, hope that helped

 

[0neir0naut]

And the only way to really and properly offer the benefits of meditation to someone's life, is by keeping it as a completely open invitation. They may accept, they may not, but that is their freedom.

brokenChild, you are speaking lots of sense in this thread

I particularly resonated with this statement. It reminds me of a recent episode of the radio show, 'On Being' I listened to, in which life time meditaters, Robert Thurman and Sharon Salzberg talk about 'embracing our enemies and our suffering'. They mention at some point that a true gift is one that is given without expecting the other to accept it. A gift given openly is indeed the only one that can ever be truly accepted - as they accept it with their whole self and heart. A little cheesey sounding but you get the picture! I highly recommend listening to this show, it definitely fits in with what we've talked about here

http://www.onbeing.org/program/embracing-our-enemies

 

[Chaquah]

Hi there,

When you start communicating openly and honestly with your partner about how you are feeling, my advice would be to not make any accusations. Don´t say that he´s doing things wrong in your view, just say that you feel a certain way just as you are explaining to us.

Chances are he is completely unaware of how you are feeling and that he is making you feel that way. And similarly you might be completely unaware of how he is feeling and what you are doing to make him feel that way. And once these things are clear, compassion and love will take over and make you an even stronger couple.

 

[saijanai]

I've recently picked up transcendental meditation. To clarify for anyone who isn't clear on the structure of TM, I meditate in the mornings and evenings for 20 mins each time.
:?

I've no advice, but you should understand that "Transcendental Meditation" is a registered trademark and refers to a specific form of meditation training. It's not something you pick up from a book or audio tape or the internet.

This isn't me being snitty: the very words didn't show up in the English language until 50 years ago when a book was published describing it: _The Science of Being and the Art of Living_ by the Hindu monk who brought the teaching out of the monastery in the Himalayas where he had studied.

When you go through the course that teaches TM, all such questions as you have are answered as part of the course, and you have the right to go to any TM center anywhere in the world and ask followup questions for free (it's part of the course fee).

if you want to actually learn TM for real, there's a website The Transcendental Meditation Technique - Learn More or Find A Teacher with more information. The fee is steep, but you can talk them down if you have financial issues. The David Lynch Foundation works with existing charities and government agencies to teach TM for free to specific groups of people: David Lynch Foundation | Transcendental Meditation

Just an FYI.

Good luck with whatever your practice actually is.

 

[0neir0naut]

I've no advice, but you should understand that "Transcendental Meditation" is a registered trademark and refers to a specific form of meditation training. It's not something you pick up from a book or audio tape or the internet.

I am aware of this. I actually found out about TM through the David Lynch foundation, but finding out that the term and practice was copyrighted bummed me out, because the practice is lauded as simple and can be universally applied despite socioeconomic background. But as long as we charge people thousands of dollars to learn it, we are saying that meditative practices are for the elite. I learnt more about TM from those who saw the commodification of it as a problem and share their knowledge (from having learnt it officially) online for free.

At any rate, perhaps I should not say I am practising 'TM' per se, as you've mentioned it's a very specific type of teaching which I have not paid for and learnt first hand. I am not looking to, either.

I should perhaps clarify that I am just meditating and practising presence. Thanks for the heads up on my label usage, I can see how I am not wholly correct in saying I am practising TM and may mislead people wanting to learn more about TM.

When you start communicating openly and honestly with your partner about how you are feeling, my advice would be to not make any accusations. Don´t say that he´s doing things wrong in your view, just say that you feel a certain way just as you are explaining to us.

Agreed. This is very important whenever communicating with someone about rising tension or difficult feelings. There must always be complete honesty without blame. If we are completely honest, we will talk of how we feel, not what the other does. Thanks for the wisdom