AlpineXplorer
Esteemed member
The third time using DMT, I had to go all in.
I’d done all the reading online, and everything talks about having a “breakthrough” experience. People sometimes mention that you need to close your eyes. And the obvious thing mentioned over and over is that you need to take more hits than you’ve ever taken before, and then take one more and hold it.
I thought I had done that before. But I’m a former soldier and kind of a perfectionist, so I’ve always got aspirations to go a little further and a little harder.
I set myself up on the edge of the bed, grabbed the vape pen, and started taking hits. Like I planned, I took as many as I could, breathing them fully in. Even as my vision was starting to go, I paused while putting the vape down, remembered what I had told myself, picked it up one more time, and started taking another hit before finally closing my eyes and falling backward onto the bed.
That was the key thing this time: closing my eyes.
During my first two experiences, I reopened my eyes pretty quickly because the world inside my bedroom, and outside my windows, was so fucking amazing that it could not not be looked at. If you’ve done it, then you know. That alone is world-shattering enough.
But this time, I feel my body lying back on the bed. My eyes are closed.
And I go somewhere.
Or maybe I was there all along, and now it’s simply revealed to me.
After looking at things online afterward, I have a better ability to describe what I saw. There is this enormous diamond-shaped structure in front of me, rotating, made up of thousands, maybe unlimited, little square faces. Each one is itself rotating inward and outward, almost like a Rubik’s Cube where every individual square can somehow rotate independently inside itself.
It looks something like the animations I’ve seen of a fifth- or sixth-dimensional hypercube.
Every surface is colored. A lot of it is mercurial silver. Some blue, orange, red, and then colors I honestly can’t describe. Picture a thousand Rubik’s Cubes stacked and folded together into one enormous multidimensional diamond, boiling with color as every part rotates inward and outward at once.
And while it is doing this, it is somehow communicating with me.
Not with a voice. Not with audio.
It is piercing directly into my mind and letting me know what it needs to tell me.
So much was shared in that moment that I could never recall all of it.
I do remember suddenly knowing that I had seen it before, even if only for a split second. Maybe it happened during my first trip and I completely forgot about it afterward. Or maybe I encountered it some other “time,” and I use that word loosely because if time itself is a dimension, then I don’t even know what that means.
But the familiarity was there.
Maybe I was seeing myself in another dimension. Another part of me. Another aspect of me that I simply don’t have access to from here.
I know that’s reaching.
I want to use the word “she” to describe what I saw because that is the feeling that was given to me. Remember, this is my experience.
I’m still lying on my bed. I can feel my back pressed against the mattress. My eyes are closed. And somewhere in my head I’m thinking, Keep your eyes closed so you get the breakthrough.
And I know I’m getting the breakthrough. Lol.
She laughs at the audacity of this.
Lay down. Keep your eyes closed?
She shows me that my eyes and eyelids don’t even fucking matter.
She can take them away.
She can flash me into my room and back out of it, back in front of her, in an instant.
And she does.
Instantly, I am sitting upright in my room and everything looks completely normal.
Then instantly again, I am lying on my back in front of her.
But the entire time I was “sitting up” and seeing my bedroom perfectly normally, I could still feel the mattress pressed against my back.
Then she does it again.
It was like being inside an IMAX screen of my room and having my world flashed on and off in front of me. Her space, back into my space, then her space again. She was showing me that my eyes and my senses don’t matter.
Her space.
My space.
Her space.
My space.
She is showing me that my eyes and my senses don’t matter nearly as much as I think they do. They’re on some lower order.
I think she showed me the real trick.
She showed me that they really don’t matter because she can dissolve me into her, beginning with those useless eyelids.
And I feel her pull me, atom by atom, into her.
It is beautiful.
It is warm.
It is safe.
It is okay.
It is natural.
My eyelids move away. My eyes, my face, everything begins moving toward her in this melting fashion.
And I wonder:
Is this what death is?
Is this becoming something else?
Or is it not becoming something else at all, but becoming what we have always been?
She passes information to me that, without getting too specific, deals with trauma the church gave me and that I have carried for 43 years. A problem I had never been able to solve.
I don’t even know yet that later that very night, I will.
It is something tied to my identity. Something tied to the absolute core of me. Something I can carry into the future to make my life better for every single day I am alive from this point forward.
She shows me that I am loved no matter what.
What greater gift is there than that?
As she is rolling and boiling in front of me, I feel my body lying there in absolute shock, like the child staring into the television in Poltergeist.
Then she surrounds my entire body with an aura of warmth.
Maybe it is love.
It feels four or five inches thick around my entire body, and it is so warm that it completely removes the coolness of the room.
Then all the colors of those thousands of faces change into two colors that represent something deeply personal to me. Again, I won’t divulge those details.
Lol, no, it isn’t my favorite sports team.
It is something far closer to my heart and my identity than anything like that.
And it tells me:
I am loved.
I am on the right path.
To come out of that experience and know those things with a capital KNOW?
Tell me a greater gift.
She is giving me all the information that I need.
At some point during the experience, I feel like I might pee my pants. I don’t feel positively or negatively about it. It’s just whatever. Apparently we’re beyond worrying about dignity at this point.
Eventually, my eyes open.
My head is cocked to one side, but I’m still lying flat on my back on the bed. I can see the painting above my headboard. It has this acid-mushroom-trip tint to it. It definitely does not look anything like the extreme DMT visuals anymore.
And I just lie there.
I bask in the warmth.
And I say thank you over and over and over again because I am GRATEFUL.
At that moment, I don’t know that within two hours I will overcome a milestone I have been unable to overcome for 43 years.
It has to do with intimacy.
It has to do with connection.
It has to do with love, both for myself and for the people around me.
I don’t know what awaits every person who goes inside the DMT experience.
My best guess? Maybe it is a higher-dimensional being. Maybe it is ourselves in some higher dimension. Maybe it is something else entirely.
I don’t know.
But I think it knows us.
And somehow, I have the overwhelming feeling that it has always known us.
One of the final messages I took from the experience was that it is important to come back here and actually live this life.
The DMT experience may be a great teacher, but this is the life we are supposed to be living.
We are supposed to accept ourselves.
We are supposed to love ourselves.
And we are supposed to fucking live.
I’d done all the reading online, and everything talks about having a “breakthrough” experience. People sometimes mention that you need to close your eyes. And the obvious thing mentioned over and over is that you need to take more hits than you’ve ever taken before, and then take one more and hold it.
I thought I had done that before. But I’m a former soldier and kind of a perfectionist, so I’ve always got aspirations to go a little further and a little harder.
I set myself up on the edge of the bed, grabbed the vape pen, and started taking hits. Like I planned, I took as many as I could, breathing them fully in. Even as my vision was starting to go, I paused while putting the vape down, remembered what I had told myself, picked it up one more time, and started taking another hit before finally closing my eyes and falling backward onto the bed.
That was the key thing this time: closing my eyes.
During my first two experiences, I reopened my eyes pretty quickly because the world inside my bedroom, and outside my windows, was so fucking amazing that it could not not be looked at. If you’ve done it, then you know. That alone is world-shattering enough.
But this time, I feel my body lying back on the bed. My eyes are closed.
And I go somewhere.
Or maybe I was there all along, and now it’s simply revealed to me.
After looking at things online afterward, I have a better ability to describe what I saw. There is this enormous diamond-shaped structure in front of me, rotating, made up of thousands, maybe unlimited, little square faces. Each one is itself rotating inward and outward, almost like a Rubik’s Cube where every individual square can somehow rotate independently inside itself.
It looks something like the animations I’ve seen of a fifth- or sixth-dimensional hypercube.
Every surface is colored. A lot of it is mercurial silver. Some blue, orange, red, and then colors I honestly can’t describe. Picture a thousand Rubik’s Cubes stacked and folded together into one enormous multidimensional diamond, boiling with color as every part rotates inward and outward at once.
And while it is doing this, it is somehow communicating with me.
Not with a voice. Not with audio.
It is piercing directly into my mind and letting me know what it needs to tell me.
So much was shared in that moment that I could never recall all of it.
I do remember suddenly knowing that I had seen it before, even if only for a split second. Maybe it happened during my first trip and I completely forgot about it afterward. Or maybe I encountered it some other “time,” and I use that word loosely because if time itself is a dimension, then I don’t even know what that means.
But the familiarity was there.
Maybe I was seeing myself in another dimension. Another part of me. Another aspect of me that I simply don’t have access to from here.
I know that’s reaching.
I want to use the word “she” to describe what I saw because that is the feeling that was given to me. Remember, this is my experience.
I’m still lying on my bed. I can feel my back pressed against the mattress. My eyes are closed. And somewhere in my head I’m thinking, Keep your eyes closed so you get the breakthrough.
And I know I’m getting the breakthrough. Lol.
She laughs at the audacity of this.
Lay down. Keep your eyes closed?
She shows me that my eyes and eyelids don’t even fucking matter.
She can take them away.
She can flash me into my room and back out of it, back in front of her, in an instant.
And she does.
Instantly, I am sitting upright in my room and everything looks completely normal.
Then instantly again, I am lying on my back in front of her.
But the entire time I was “sitting up” and seeing my bedroom perfectly normally, I could still feel the mattress pressed against my back.
Then she does it again.
It was like being inside an IMAX screen of my room and having my world flashed on and off in front of me. Her space, back into my space, then her space again. She was showing me that my eyes and my senses don’t matter.
Her space.
My space.
Her space.
My space.
She is showing me that my eyes and my senses don’t matter nearly as much as I think they do. They’re on some lower order.
I think she showed me the real trick.
She showed me that they really don’t matter because she can dissolve me into her, beginning with those useless eyelids.
And I feel her pull me, atom by atom, into her.
It is beautiful.
It is warm.
It is safe.
It is okay.
It is natural.
My eyelids move away. My eyes, my face, everything begins moving toward her in this melting fashion.
And I wonder:
Is this what death is?
Is this becoming something else?
Or is it not becoming something else at all, but becoming what we have always been?
She passes information to me that, without getting too specific, deals with trauma the church gave me and that I have carried for 43 years. A problem I had never been able to solve.
I don’t even know yet that later that very night, I will.
It is something tied to my identity. Something tied to the absolute core of me. Something I can carry into the future to make my life better for every single day I am alive from this point forward.
She shows me that I am loved no matter what.
What greater gift is there than that?
As she is rolling and boiling in front of me, I feel my body lying there in absolute shock, like the child staring into the television in Poltergeist.
Then she surrounds my entire body with an aura of warmth.
Maybe it is love.
It feels four or five inches thick around my entire body, and it is so warm that it completely removes the coolness of the room.
Then all the colors of those thousands of faces change into two colors that represent something deeply personal to me. Again, I won’t divulge those details.
Lol, no, it isn’t my favorite sports team.
It is something far closer to my heart and my identity than anything like that.
And it tells me:
I am loved.
I am on the right path.
To come out of that experience and know those things with a capital KNOW?
Tell me a greater gift.
She is giving me all the information that I need.
At some point during the experience, I feel like I might pee my pants. I don’t feel positively or negatively about it. It’s just whatever. Apparently we’re beyond worrying about dignity at this point.
Eventually, my eyes open.
My head is cocked to one side, but I’m still lying flat on my back on the bed. I can see the painting above my headboard. It has this acid-mushroom-trip tint to it. It definitely does not look anything like the extreme DMT visuals anymore.
And I just lie there.
I bask in the warmth.
And I say thank you over and over and over again because I am GRATEFUL.
At that moment, I don’t know that within two hours I will overcome a milestone I have been unable to overcome for 43 years.
It has to do with intimacy.
It has to do with connection.
It has to do with love, both for myself and for the people around me.
I don’t know what awaits every person who goes inside the DMT experience.
My best guess? Maybe it is a higher-dimensional being. Maybe it is ourselves in some higher dimension. Maybe it is something else entirely.
I don’t know.
But I think it knows us.
And somehow, I have the overwhelming feeling that it has always known us.
One of the final messages I took from the experience was that it is important to come back here and actually live this life.
The DMT experience may be a great teacher, but this is the life we are supposed to be living.
We are supposed to accept ourselves.
We are supposed to love ourselves.
And we are supposed to fucking live.
