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My Paranoid, Psychotic Near Death Experience

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transitory

currently intergrating
I’m really struggling with this one.

I'd just like to appologise for the length of this post and say that those of you here who have actually surrendered to ego-death must have balls of steel.

I’ve not (until now) been troubled by delusions in connection with the spice but my latest journey shook me up a bit. I’m still trying to separate the delusions from any actual revelation. The following is an account of the most ecstatic and profoundly disturbing events of my life.



Around 10am I took 80mg of pure crystal –beautiful. I was in a very sweet place, there was no fear or doubt and the experience was ecstatic. Around 11am, with the ‘key still in the door’ I dosed approximately 120mg. I have, through practice, developed a ‘feel’ or method where I/she/ they/ it assist in the pipe and lighter to make this dose possible- kind of an auto-pilot toke method.

The experience was a magic carpet ride; a breathless, laughing, ecstasy. I was breathing psychedelic fire and ice. Creation was blazing everywhere around. It was different this time. It felt as though this could be maintained almost indefinitely. I was travelling without moving.

Then the delusions began. I thought “now I get it- I have accessed a secret exclusive high-dose club”. Other members of this club telepathically say “now he gets it”. I though I should post on Nexus: “The penny has just dropped-thank you!” the assumption being that ‘they’ (secret Nexus sub-forum) would know exactly what I meant.

Magic carpet ride continues. I was surfing an ecstatic, divine wave of creation. I then thought “I can travel further and for longer in this new exclusive ecstatic realm if I top-up my dose” I re-dosed the remaining 30mg left in the pipe. around 11:20.

Then it turned REALLY nasty. My head drops, eyes close & I’m thrown into deepest most glorious psychedelic creation. I am shown myself as a spiritual entity with a flowering heart and head. They say telepathically “now he gets it”. It is implied telepathically that to embody this new level of spiritual attainment I must leave the physical body behind now.

Now I am dying- actually physically dying. Other members of this club telepathically say (lovingly) “now he really gets it” Now I understand! This is my death. It is inevitable and has been prepared. I feel betrayed, cheated, ambushed. This was a terrible revelation: the curtain falls and the actual machinery of my end is revealed. It all falls into place: God loves me and so has been breaking this to me gently for some time:

Past, unexplained, moments of synchronicity now make a horrific sense -features of my death and also my current resistance to my own death have already been revealed throughout my life. The avatars of Nexus members appear as a conspiracy of angels/entities that have been breaking this event to me gently for some time, preparing the way. The spice is really euthanasia- placed in this world by God in order to take us out of it all painlessly. My wife has been sad at my spice experiments because she always sensed that it would somehow be involved in my death. The resulting ‘death by spice’ headline will be expunged from the reality record by the creator thereby keeping his loving method concealed.

The process of my dying:

• Time slowed down (a LOT) and a the resulting vacume was filled by a definite strong sense of actual impending doom.
• No fear of death- only love awaits me. Love without limit.
• INTENSE regret, sorrow and horror at leaving my loved ones so unexpectedly.
• Despair at the realisation of my wife having to find my cold corpse on the couch.
• Loneliness at not being able to speak with anyone at this moment.
• Ego: “NO! NO! NOT LIKE THIS- NOT NOW – NOT LIKE THIS.”
• I can feel my life-force ebbing away - the colours are beginning to drain from my surroundings.
• Visual consensus reality is taking on an un-real appearance, beginning to shut down, slipping away.
• Actual understanding that this REALLY IS IT. This is how it ends - and it ends now.
• There is a terrible INEVITABILITY to this ending. I feel like a sheep that’s just awoken in an abattoir.
• I forced my breathing in and out. Each out breath I resist my death by verbalising NNNOOOOOO.
• There is no choice- the heart attack (or whatever) will happen shortly.
• All is becoming quiet, subdued, softer, and slower – the holy passage is being prepared.
• A dream-like veil descends to facilitate and ease the passage.
• My skin is turning blue and grey.
• They say that it’s best for me to close my eyes and surrender to it- to come quietly so to speak.
• It becomes clear that the practicing of breaking through on spice is the instruction which God has given for dying.
• It’s over. All of it.

• Gradually, I talk myself down. Covince myself that it's a delusion and pace the floor until baseline.


_____________________________________________________



I am still concerned about future spice journeys. Do I or don’t I? Could I actually physically die during the experience? – it certainly felt ABSOLUTELY, TOTALLY CONVINCING.

I am not ready to go as I do not wish to leave my wife alone. I have no other concerns.

What a wonderful opportunity to learn. An opportunity denied to so many.

I’m still terrified. Not sure if I have died, will die, am dying. Strange. I’m not the same now. I feel as though my death has already happened. What a strange twist and turn of events.

This experience is proving to be very, very difficult to integrate- it’s disturbing, traumatic even.

It’s my death and I own it. It is part of my story and no-one can solve it for me - it just doesn’t work like that.

It’s there and I’ve seen it, waiting for me. - It’s a thing in itself- an enormous thing. I had previously just imagined somehow falling asleep- becoming unconscious - like passing out or anaesthetic. This however is a constant companion. Death is a living reality just hanging there, shadowing me.

In respect of going back to the spice- I humbly ask you Nexus members who have travelled far this serious question:

If I reach that point again and surrender to it . . . are you sure that I will come back?

It’s very, very serious. I do feel as though I am going mad.
 
First off thank you for sharing it was an incredibly read and incredible you were able to keep such good track of the process /f feelings you went through. After so much of wrecking an ego, it's tie to you is gone, and you realize its unneeded to have something SO close(like a super super clingy GF, its nice to have her there, just not SO close ALL the time) and "ego-death" levels are hit many times, without all the suffering. As for the experience, i do believe such a high dose is almost inevitable to turn on you like that unless you are, indeed, ready for it. Also, I have read many reports of people undergoing this choice of death experience, and when they come out of it, they realize that they were holding their breath to the point of passing out(or the like) which ends up playing a huge role in your trip you don't realize til afterwards. Also, if said wife is constantly downplaying spice and putting negativity on it, this could also come into play on your trip. PerPLExED had a whole mushroom trip revelation that made him realize we create the meanings of things(can elaborate if you PM on the whole trip) but bottom line, if it's presented as something bad to you regularly, you should clear your head and ask them to keep those words to themselves as that is one of the greatest factors that could lead to something like that.
As for your question, not experienced with spice so can't comment on that. However,
Don't you feel reborn?
 
First of all transitory, I could hardly imagine how difficult it is for you now, even though I went through similar things.

I guess it would be reassuring to hear from somebody who went through this, so let me tell you the story of my death.

When this happened, I did not take any drugs (except few coffes through the day). Out of the blue I started to feel dizzy and few minutes later I felt onto the floor at the university I studied at. I thought that I will die now no matter what I do. Somebody called the ambulance. It took like ten minutes for them to arrive, but it seemed like two hours. During that ten minutes I experienced almost everything you worte, except the communication part, I was alone, and lonely all that time.

Then I was taken to a hospital, got examined, but I was phisically ok. Diagnosis: panic attack.

This was the 'the most ecstatic and profoundly disturbing event' of my life. :) That time I wasn't in the psychedellic scene, nor I was practicing any religion. I did not know how I should interpret the whole thing. It took lot of time to process.

I will never forget this experience. I keep on remembering that I can die anytime, anywhere. The fact that I am so powerless gives me tremendous power.

This is how I dealt with the revelation of mine.

I hope that you can finally deal with yours.

Since than I've taken DMT, cannabis and salvia several times in large doses, some of these occasions were really ego-destroying, but I managed to surrender, and I'm still alive and kickin'. :)

I'm sure that spice will not harm you phisically (unless you do something _really_ stupid :p ).

It is not all that easy to say when it comes to the mind. I experienced that our (or at least my :) ) conciousness is fragile and can be broken.

So I suggest you to take your time, process the experience, talk about it with close friends, who understand you, or here at Nexus. Don't run to the next dose immediately. It will wait. :) When you _really_ ready, smoke again if you would like to. No sooner.

These advices are based on my experiences, what you really need to do is to decide what to do. :)
 
Hello PerPLexED


Thank you for your supportive response.

I was able to keep such a good record of events because the sheer terror kept me lucid throughout. Also I was frantically attempting to scribble a farewell note to my wife before I finally slipped away -yes, it was that weird. I was convinced of my imminent death for at least thirty minutes- the resultant barely legible notes have served to jog the memory as to the detail of the experience.

I think now that the problem may have been the delusional misinterpretation which my frightened mind put on the experience. It wasn't my ego that I was scared of loosing - it was my actual life. I took some silly dosage because it felt so right at the time! I had felt my way into such a happy space that nothing could go wrong.

PerPLExED had a whole mushroom trip revelation that made him realize we create the meanings of things
That's really interesting- I will PM you thanks for the offer mate:)


Don't you feel reborn?
In a sense yes actually. Its still difficult to integrate but I am not the same person who went in.

Perhaps the most worrying effect is that something of this 'delusion' appears to persist. The experience was two days ago and yet I still feel today as though I could have left this world then, never to return. I have doubts. This sounds so psychotic.
 
cli_hlt - Thank you.


It IS reassuring to hear from anybody who has experienced something similar!
During that ten minutes I experienced almost everything you wrote, except the communication part
This helps me cli_hlt;- because the communication was obviously delusional this reassures me that the core of the experience was valid. I too found myself to be physically unharmed, in fact I recall feeling physically fine even during the terror- I knew death was coming but couldn't guess how.

I keep on remembering that I can die anytime, anywhere.
Yes, yes! that's how I feel! The effect has been quite shocking. Previously I've been wandering around with this false sense of security - like I'm immortal or something. Death seemed such a distant prospect that it was almost an illusion. But to experience your own ending- you see that it's our assumption of continuity here that's the illusion. It can, and does end at any time.

I was phisically ok. Diagnosis: panic attack.
Now this gives me serious pause for thought- I wonder now ... whether, been faced with an entirely alien situation- the situation of approaching ego-death- whether my frightened mind didn't suffer a panic attack? ...perhaps. This complicates things a little but would explain a great deal. You said that our conciousness is fragile and can be broken. Perhaps the shock of impending ego-death caused a relatively brief panic attack.


I most certainly wont be rushing back to the spice. It would be really stupid of me to go back without fully processing these events. There was definately some kind of problem occuring there that was not directly caused by the spice.


Thanks so much for taking the time to share your own experiences cli_hlt. It's difficult arriving for work Monday morning and hearing people discuss what they got up to that weekend whilst all the time thinking "actually, I spent my weekend dealing with returning from the edge of death" - its just not something you drop into conversation.
 
there are several threads her on death and DMT. (general discussions)

I have had two NDE's myself. One when i was 6 years old and another one, recently on ayahuasca.

I think that DMT is relatively safe. You won't die. I also think that giving in to the experience will reveal to you that your time just hasn't come yet.

You don't realy go there. You just come close to that 'place'.
 
I know you are disturbed by this experience but what you describe is a normal NDE internal dialog maybe not a cheerful one but a very normal one. You also realize that you are delusional give your self a pat on the back. The tricky part of navigating these states of conciseness is that there is no standard or baseline its all just out there and can be anything.

You can ask yourself this and that and try to comprehend why but the fact remains all of us must do the best we can in these situations, with very little information that can be verified to work with so is the near death experience so is our every day life experience. Doing the best you can in any situation is all any one can do. Because this is all we really have any where any time.

Your post is honest I think you handled yourself well.

Take it slow

PEACE
MV
 
Thanks polytrip

I will search for those threads now- that 'place' as you put it is very, very weird.

Very weird.

Just the sense of it ... is so disturbing.


I also think that giving in to the experience will reveal to you that your time just hasn't come yet.
OK, I understand what you are saying- I was convinced that I would leave, never to return. It's such a shock to come face to face with that which your mind is normally so clever at hiding from you. The experience forced me to really see for the first time that death is incomparably strange, real and inevitable. It looks different when it's 'in your face'. When taking spice I imagined some nice mystical union with divinity. Lots of cool feelings and colours and peace etc. But this ... this is real. It's bigger than I am and that scares me.

I am so glad that this didn't happen to me on ayahuasca. The moments seemed to last an eternity. Several hours of this and I may have just freaked.

Thank you for your reassurance polytrip.
I will deal with this.
 
I thought I died once on salvia divinorum .. I exited my body through the back of my head and ended up in outer space, this was not like it felt like I was outside myself but could open my eyes and sorta be back..I WAS outside of my physical body and in another dimension..and I could see back to this one from a portal I came through..I had a light body..like it was sort of transparent..A man was there with me and showed me a doorway where all palces were accessable from..I asked him how we can get there..he said it was inside of all of us..

I saw the doorway I came from leading back in to that place inside my skull and went back..strongest breakthrough I ever had on anything.
 
MagikVenom

Thanks for your kind words- your reassurance that this experience was in any way normal has helped to ground me a little. If others can negotiate this paradox then I'm sure that I can.

One of the most difficult things to process about this whole thing is that it has shook my faith in what is real v unreal. I'm just not sure where the goal posts are any more. There is certainly no denying that death is real. It is an inescapable fact. But the act of dying is necessarily either the transformation of or ending of consensus reality. It follows therefore that there absolutely is a state other than consensus reality. I hadn't fully appreciated this before. I cannot now speculate about it as a mere possibility- there is an alternative to this reality- fact.


There is more to our world than we can either imagine or speculate.

I have witnessed an alien process in consciousness more powerful than I. There is something about the flavour of death that seems to both outlive and yet pre-exist my ego.
 
fractal enchantment,

Thanks for sharing that with me. That sounds like quite some experience from salvia you had. I have had some 40x stashed away for about six months now but haven't dared use it yet. The thought of possible physical harm puts me off as I invariably journey alone. The fact that you went as far as to actually leave your physical body and yet still returned is reassuring.

I lost my nerve long before accepting the offer of a spiritual body. I have no idea where that vessel may have taken me.
 
From reading your report, it seems to me you were wanting to push it and push it with extremely high doses. Even 'surfing an ecstatic, divine wave of creation' wasn't enough for you, so you re-dosed. Then much more was offered to you, but you couldn't accept the price, which was leaving behind this world for good.

Seems to me that you should forget spice and its celestial wonders for now, and savour your life with your wife. Enjoy the simple pleasures of this world. Allow the natural mechanisms of letting go of this life, like aging and other declines in health, to do their work so that one day, when it is time to let go, you will gladly surrender.
 
I too have had some soul-rocking jaunts, and I've had my concerns about sanity-slippage. Personally, I don't know how anyone breaks through and doesn't contend with this issue. For me, the experience is a completely life-changing one. It can also be quite isolating. Figuring out where to put it afterwards is the burden we bear, I suppose.

What you're feeling will fade. But in my experience, the more you go, the weirder it tends to get. DMT is confrontational. It calls you on ALL of your shit. You go in naked and when it hits, there's just no hiding from anything. You surrender to the experience completely, or you fight it and things get rough. I've had a number of these mortality trips - usually with harmalas and repeated hits. I can relate to your post completely.

Bottom line: This shit is bonkers. The rabbit hole is bottomless. If you like where it takes you, then jump on in. You will ALWAYS return intact. If you don't, there isn't a bit of shame in deciding to call it a day.
 
Morphane - thank you for your thoughts


it seems to me you were wanting to push it and push it with extremely high doses. Even 'surfing an ecstatic, divine wave of creation' wasn't enough for you
Yes, this is true, and no- I couldn't accept the price! Of course increasing the level of DMT in our brains at all is pushing it in order to gain 'more'. I still maintain that at the time it was the right thing to do. The journey was going excedingly well and it was with the spirit of adventure that I continued. I felt that I had been given an oportunity to further explore this new land that had only that day opened up to me.


... you should forget spice and its celestial wonders for now ... Allow the natural mechanisms of letting go of this life ... when it is time to let go, you will gladly surrender.
I agree almost entirely. I shall not be returning for some time! Having seen and felt what I have though, I now feel sure that I will return at some point. Although I remain mortified at the thought. The spice has challenged me on so many levels that I cannot just walk away without some kind of closure. Yes, I'm still very affraid of its power. So much more so than before. I think that its only human though to pursue our fears and expose them. To never let them lie. The spice did exactly this to me. It took a very great fear that I was previously only vaguely aware of and ruthlessly exposed it to me. Without compromise. Yes I brought this brutal confrontation upon myself and the process has now begun of trying to integrate that which was revealed into my everyday life.


Thank you again for taking time to comment - as I have considered and replied to to the posts here, I have been able to begin the work neccessary for healing and integration.


With respect.
 
Well, bro, it seems you got to the same place as I did, ten years ago, on my first LSD trip.

I could not get to that same place again - however much I tried, or perhaps exactly because of that as WS pointed out - so I cannot tell for sure whether you can really die if you let go. But I suspect that you can. At that point, it's really much much more than just a psychedelic fantasy. So it must be dealt with seriously. This is the edge, where we must stand up, where we are seen as we really are. And if this is so, it makes no sense to continue playing the usual games any more. We take the responsibility, open up and face the inevitable - or we go back to the comfortable world of the known.

On the other hand, the possibility that this experience is the result of some physical process - like holding your breath leads to a psychological shutdown - also should be taken seriously, even if this doesn't diminish the significance of it. Maybe if this is the case, and one can continue breathing in that state, then the breathing lets the process move forward and the death part is just "skipped over" playfully, instead of falling into the death pit sooo seriously and rigidly :) Nasty trick would it be, but it's possible. We are so fragile, know so very little and in those realms fantasy can become reality in an instant (actually, over there is no difference any more between fantasy and reality, between subjective and objective - the two merges - therefore our inner constitution, our psychology, our "set" entirely determines our fate).

I like the conspiracy theory about the Nexus members. I have something similar, but in my version the Nexus members are still dreaming and the Nexus serves as a kind of collector which makes us gather together. Each of us are responsible for a different part of the enlightenment process, each of us has his/her own piece of the puzzle, so to speak, like a bunch of Tarot cards. There is one of us who is already awake, he's supervising the process, but he won't take a position in the new kingdom. He is God's own special undercover agent who specializes in catalyzing group enlightenment. After his work is done here, he will go on to other worlds and disappear from here without a trace. Perhaps we won't even know that he existed.

If you haven't seen it yet, please do yourself a favor and watch the anime series Serial Experiments: Lain. I think you will understand what it's about (if you do then you'll find the last two episodes very much talking to you).

Your wife may be a connection to the Earth, a safety guard against you losing the possibility of joining Heaven and Earth. The human world is important. I still don't know why - I hate it sometimes - but I'm sure that when complete wisdom arrives, we won't feel necessary to leave the world any more (we won't want to die). It's just sooo difficult to see life's worth when we hadn't been really born yet.
 
Art

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
It's great to know that there are others who relate so completely to my little experience.

I've had a number of these mortality trips - usually with harmalas and repeated hits.

I have chosen the repeated hits method myself. Regardless of tolerance, I find that each hit will somehow build upon the last and thereby travel into hyperspace can be made. I could not use harmalas as I still take an SNRI but that was to have been my next direction. Your entire post resonates with me- "soul-rocking ... sanity-slippage ... confrontational ... mortality trips" - its just that the actuality of passing through to the other side ... nothing can prepare you for that. Unless you have during your life actually faced death and thoroughly believed that actual death was imminent you could not possibly understand.

I have no better bottom line to offer myself than to quote the following;


This shit is bonkers. The rabbit hole is bottomless. If you like where it takes you, then jump on in. You will ALWAYS return intact. If you don't, there isn't a bit of shame in deciding to call it a day. (Uncle Knucles)
 
cellux thanks for your serious reply;


I cannot tell for sure whether you can really die if you let go. But I suspect that you can. At that point, it's really much much more than just a psychedelic fantasy. So it must be dealt with seriously. This is the edge, where we must stand up, where we are seen as we really are. And if this is so, it makes no sense to continue playing the usual games any more. We take the responsibility, open up and face the inevitable - or we go back to the comfortable world of the known.

We are so fragile, know so very little and in those realms fantasy can become reality in an instant (actually, over there is no difference any more between fantasy and reality, between subjective and objective - the two merges - therefore our inner constitution, our psychology, our "set" entirely determines our fate).


cellux. You sum up my concerns perfectly. Back here in my rational physical world I can overcome delusion through reason and all seems well. I can make a rational decision based upon the evidence available to me. Over there however- I wonder whether the rules are different. During the experience it appeared that something outside of this reality was operating. The feeling was that I could leave there never to return and the world back here would just be adjusted automatically to take account. It was as though I was in touch with the creator/creators of consensus reality who were before, behind and after our world. Our world being their/his/its ongoing creation. The creation not being set in stone- all and everything seemed possible. Back here though this perspective sounds like a psychotic episode -an enduring perceptual disorder. Hhhmmmm ...


If you haven't seen it yet, please do yourself a favor and watch the anime series Serial Experiments: Lain.

Thank you
 
The feeling was that I could leave there never to return and the world back here would just be adjusted automatically to take account.

Well, imagine me wandering around the house of a friend at 4:00 AM thinking that I should perhaps try to call the phone number of my "previous" home to determine whether my parents still exist. Finally I called a close friend instead who sleepily confirmed that he also exists in this "new" universe.

My world was rebuilt piece by piece, from the ground up.

The creation not being set in stone- all and everything seemed possible.

Reminds me of the trip report that brought me here on the Nexus:


If you haven't read this yet, you are in for a ride, I'm sure. :)
 
I've had several experiences like this and believe me or not you get used to it quite fast :) And that's when the fun starts :)
I'm getting quite good at getting through this and just enjoy what's there behind life as we know it in our Ego.

It can be fun to die if you know how :)

But there are a few years I've had an experience like that. And in the meantime I had a daughter so it's a bit harder I guess to accept your death when you feel it's coming your way.
 
Well as far as death goes its back to the age old question is conciseness the brain? No one knows please correct me if you can prove otherwise I will be grateful for the clarification.:lol:

I to have thought much about the location of the goal posts and often consider the fact that there may may be no location at all and it is entirely possible that this is all completely pointless and has no meaning what so ever.

This moment, this experience may in fact be the totality of it all. This is difficult to even begin to comprehend but I am not at all disappointed by this seemingly dark possibility. Whats is, is not good or bad it just is.

If this makes no sense that is also a possibility.:shock: Perhaps that is also the case.


PEACE
MV
 
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