transitory
currently intergrating
I’m really struggling with this one.
I'd just like to appologise for the length of this post and say that those of you here who have actually surrendered to ego-death must have balls of steel.
I’ve not (until now) been troubled by delusions in connection with the spice but my latest journey shook me up a bit. I’m still trying to separate the delusions from any actual revelation. The following is an account of the most ecstatic and profoundly disturbing events of my life.
Around 10am I took 80mg of pure crystal –beautiful. I was in a very sweet place, there was no fear or doubt and the experience was ecstatic. Around 11am, with the ‘key still in the door’ I dosed approximately 120mg. I have, through practice, developed a ‘feel’ or method where I/she/ they/ it assist in the pipe and lighter to make this dose possible- kind of an auto-pilot toke method.
The experience was a magic carpet ride; a breathless, laughing, ecstasy. I was breathing psychedelic fire and ice. Creation was blazing everywhere around. It was different this time. It felt as though this could be maintained almost indefinitely. I was travelling without moving.
Then the delusions began. I thought “now I get it- I have accessed a secret exclusive high-dose club”. Other members of this club telepathically say “now he gets it”. I though I should post on Nexus: “The penny has just dropped-thank you!” the assumption being that ‘they’ (secret Nexus sub-forum) would know exactly what I meant.
Magic carpet ride continues. I was surfing an ecstatic, divine wave of creation. I then thought “I can travel further and for longer in this new exclusive ecstatic realm if I top-up my dose” I re-dosed the remaining 30mg left in the pipe. around 11:20.
Then it turned REALLY nasty. My head drops, eyes close & I’m thrown into deepest most glorious psychedelic creation. I am shown myself as a spiritual entity with a flowering heart and head. They say telepathically “now he gets it”. It is implied telepathically that to embody this new level of spiritual attainment I must leave the physical body behind now.
Now I am dying- actually physically dying. Other members of this club telepathically say (lovingly) “now he really gets it” Now I understand! This is my death. It is inevitable and has been prepared. I feel betrayed, cheated, ambushed. This was a terrible revelation: the curtain falls and the actual machinery of my end is revealed. It all falls into place: God loves me and so has been breaking this to me gently for some time:
Past, unexplained, moments of synchronicity now make a horrific sense -features of my death and also my current resistance to my own death have already been revealed throughout my life. The avatars of Nexus members appear as a conspiracy of angels/entities that have been breaking this event to me gently for some time, preparing the way. The spice is really euthanasia- placed in this world by God in order to take us out of it all painlessly. My wife has been sad at my spice experiments because she always sensed that it would somehow be involved in my death. The resulting ‘death by spice’ headline will be expunged from the reality record by the creator thereby keeping his loving method concealed.
The process of my dying:
• Time slowed down (a LOT) and a the resulting vacume was filled by a definite strong sense of actual impending doom.
• No fear of death- only love awaits me. Love without limit.
• INTENSE regret, sorrow and horror at leaving my loved ones so unexpectedly.
• Despair at the realisation of my wife having to find my cold corpse on the couch.
• Loneliness at not being able to speak with anyone at this moment.
• Ego: “NO! NO! NOT LIKE THIS- NOT NOW – NOT LIKE THIS.”
• I can feel my life-force ebbing away - the colours are beginning to drain from my surroundings.
• Visual consensus reality is taking on an un-real appearance, beginning to shut down, slipping away.
• Actual understanding that this REALLY IS IT. This is how it ends - and it ends now.
• There is a terrible INEVITABILITY to this ending. I feel like a sheep that’s just awoken in an abattoir.
• I forced my breathing in and out. Each out breath I resist my death by verbalising NNNOOOOOO.
• There is no choice- the heart attack (or whatever) will happen shortly.
• All is becoming quiet, subdued, softer, and slower – the holy passage is being prepared.
• A dream-like veil descends to facilitate and ease the passage.
• My skin is turning blue and grey.
• They say that it’s best for me to close my eyes and surrender to it- to come quietly so to speak.
• It becomes clear that the practicing of breaking through on spice is the instruction which God has given for dying.
• It’s over. All of it.
• Gradually, I talk myself down. Covince myself that it's a delusion and pace the floor until baseline.
_____________________________________________________
I am still concerned about future spice journeys. Do I or don’t I? Could I actually physically die during the experience? – it certainly felt ABSOLUTELY, TOTALLY CONVINCING.
I am not ready to go as I do not wish to leave my wife alone. I have no other concerns.
What a wonderful opportunity to learn. An opportunity denied to so many.
I’m still terrified. Not sure if I have died, will die, am dying. Strange. I’m not the same now. I feel as though my death has already happened. What a strange twist and turn of events.
This experience is proving to be very, very difficult to integrate- it’s disturbing, traumatic even.
It’s my death and I own it. It is part of my story and no-one can solve it for me - it just doesn’t work like that.
It’s there and I’ve seen it, waiting for me. - It’s a thing in itself- an enormous thing. I had previously just imagined somehow falling asleep- becoming unconscious - like passing out or anaesthetic. This however is a constant companion. Death is a living reality just hanging there, shadowing me.
In respect of going back to the spice- I humbly ask you Nexus members who have travelled far this serious question:
It’s very, very serious. I do feel as though I am going mad.
I'd just like to appologise for the length of this post and say that those of you here who have actually surrendered to ego-death must have balls of steel.
I’ve not (until now) been troubled by delusions in connection with the spice but my latest journey shook me up a bit. I’m still trying to separate the delusions from any actual revelation. The following is an account of the most ecstatic and profoundly disturbing events of my life.
Around 10am I took 80mg of pure crystal –beautiful. I was in a very sweet place, there was no fear or doubt and the experience was ecstatic. Around 11am, with the ‘key still in the door’ I dosed approximately 120mg. I have, through practice, developed a ‘feel’ or method where I/she/ they/ it assist in the pipe and lighter to make this dose possible- kind of an auto-pilot toke method.
The experience was a magic carpet ride; a breathless, laughing, ecstasy. I was breathing psychedelic fire and ice. Creation was blazing everywhere around. It was different this time. It felt as though this could be maintained almost indefinitely. I was travelling without moving.
Then the delusions began. I thought “now I get it- I have accessed a secret exclusive high-dose club”. Other members of this club telepathically say “now he gets it”. I though I should post on Nexus: “The penny has just dropped-thank you!” the assumption being that ‘they’ (secret Nexus sub-forum) would know exactly what I meant.
Magic carpet ride continues. I was surfing an ecstatic, divine wave of creation. I then thought “I can travel further and for longer in this new exclusive ecstatic realm if I top-up my dose” I re-dosed the remaining 30mg left in the pipe. around 11:20.
Then it turned REALLY nasty. My head drops, eyes close & I’m thrown into deepest most glorious psychedelic creation. I am shown myself as a spiritual entity with a flowering heart and head. They say telepathically “now he gets it”. It is implied telepathically that to embody this new level of spiritual attainment I must leave the physical body behind now.
Now I am dying- actually physically dying. Other members of this club telepathically say (lovingly) “now he really gets it” Now I understand! This is my death. It is inevitable and has been prepared. I feel betrayed, cheated, ambushed. This was a terrible revelation: the curtain falls and the actual machinery of my end is revealed. It all falls into place: God loves me and so has been breaking this to me gently for some time:
Past, unexplained, moments of synchronicity now make a horrific sense -features of my death and also my current resistance to my own death have already been revealed throughout my life. The avatars of Nexus members appear as a conspiracy of angels/entities that have been breaking this event to me gently for some time, preparing the way. The spice is really euthanasia- placed in this world by God in order to take us out of it all painlessly. My wife has been sad at my spice experiments because she always sensed that it would somehow be involved in my death. The resulting ‘death by spice’ headline will be expunged from the reality record by the creator thereby keeping his loving method concealed.
The process of my dying:
• Time slowed down (a LOT) and a the resulting vacume was filled by a definite strong sense of actual impending doom.
• No fear of death- only love awaits me. Love without limit.
• INTENSE regret, sorrow and horror at leaving my loved ones so unexpectedly.
• Despair at the realisation of my wife having to find my cold corpse on the couch.
• Loneliness at not being able to speak with anyone at this moment.
• Ego: “NO! NO! NOT LIKE THIS- NOT NOW – NOT LIKE THIS.”
• I can feel my life-force ebbing away - the colours are beginning to drain from my surroundings.
• Visual consensus reality is taking on an un-real appearance, beginning to shut down, slipping away.
• Actual understanding that this REALLY IS IT. This is how it ends - and it ends now.
• There is a terrible INEVITABILITY to this ending. I feel like a sheep that’s just awoken in an abattoir.
• I forced my breathing in and out. Each out breath I resist my death by verbalising NNNOOOOOO.
• There is no choice- the heart attack (or whatever) will happen shortly.
• All is becoming quiet, subdued, softer, and slower – the holy passage is being prepared.
• A dream-like veil descends to facilitate and ease the passage.
• My skin is turning blue and grey.
• They say that it’s best for me to close my eyes and surrender to it- to come quietly so to speak.
• It becomes clear that the practicing of breaking through on spice is the instruction which God has given for dying.
• It’s over. All of it.
• Gradually, I talk myself down. Covince myself that it's a delusion and pace the floor until baseline.
_____________________________________________________
I am still concerned about future spice journeys. Do I or don’t I? Could I actually physically die during the experience? – it certainly felt ABSOLUTELY, TOTALLY CONVINCING.
I am not ready to go as I do not wish to leave my wife alone. I have no other concerns.
What a wonderful opportunity to learn. An opportunity denied to so many.
I’m still terrified. Not sure if I have died, will die, am dying. Strange. I’m not the same now. I feel as though my death has already happened. What a strange twist and turn of events.
This experience is proving to be very, very difficult to integrate- it’s disturbing, traumatic even.
It’s my death and I own it. It is part of my story and no-one can solve it for me - it just doesn’t work like that.
It’s there and I’ve seen it, waiting for me. - It’s a thing in itself- an enormous thing. I had previously just imagined somehow falling asleep- becoming unconscious - like passing out or anaesthetic. This however is a constant companion. Death is a living reality just hanging there, shadowing me.
In respect of going back to the spice- I humbly ask you Nexus members who have travelled far this serious question:
If I reach that point again and surrender to it . . . are you sure that I will come back?
It’s very, very serious. I do feel as though I am going mad.