On: A Dark Side of Enlightenment and Transcendence; Ego Fears.

[Physics131]

Thank you for this and the other thread.
I deeply respect people who are able to not only think about their worries (can not find a better word) but also communicate them.
It shows real strength IMO to be able to talk about it.

I am thankful because most of the time I felt very alone with my situation.
It is not the same but but also not unidentical.
Sometimes the elimination of feeling alone or too different is fullfilling enough.

My entire life I faced narcistic abuse from my dad.
Then from best friend for about 10 years.
Then from coworkers for about 5 years.
I experienced this so much that I started to hate the egoism.
Not hating the egoistc persons itself but the egoism.

Then I read that the probability to be narcistic myself is very high with such an environment.
This resulted in a lot of questions.
Like "Am I too egoistic myself?"
Probably I am, probably I am not, probably I fear to know that.
Because would that mean that I would hate myself?
But what I know is that I do not want to be that.

This is one of the reasons why I want to work so much on myself.
That is why reading quotes is so important for me.
To read, to watch, to learn, to understand.

Do not get me wrong, I do not write this so someone feels sorry for me.
I want to return the warm feeling of not feeling alone.

 

[spyfish]

Thank you for this and the other thread.
I deeply respect people who are able to not only think about their worries (can not find a better word) but also communicate them.
It shows real strength IMO to be able to talk about it.

I am thankful because most of the time I felt very alone with my situation.
It is not the same but but also not unidentical.
Sometimes the elimination of feeling alone or too different is fullfilling enough.

My entire life I faced narcistic abuse from my dad.
Then from best friend for about 10 years.
Then from coworkers for about 5 years.
I experienced this so much that I started to hate the egoism.
Not hating the egoistc persons itself but the egoism.

Then I read that the probability to be narcistic myself is very high with such an environment.
This resulted in a lot of questions.
Like "Am I too egoistic myself?"
Probably I am, probably I am not, probably I fear to know that.
Because would that mean that I would hate myself?
But what I know is that I do not want to be that.

This is one of the reasons why I want to work so much on myself.
That is why reading quotes is so important for me.
To read, to watch, to learn, to understand.

Do not get me wrong, I do not write this so someone feels sorry for me.
I want to return the warm feeling of not feeling alone.

I can relate so much to this, especially the last year or so. Why I finally got the call back to Ayahuasca again.

You aren’t alone being alone. I and probably many others understand. Hope you find your answers. Try to be kind to your ego as well, can’t function without it.

 

[Voidmatrix]

@Physics131 I can't lie, I had to take a step back from this thread when I read your first section in your response. I was feeling very weak, and read that someone saw strength in me, and then I got discombobulated

I am thankful because most of the time I felt very alone with my situation.
It is not the same but but also not unidentical.
Sometimes the elimination of feeling alone or too different is fullfilling enough.

In a general sense, we may be more alone when considering the wider consensus experience and realization of people on the whole. I think that being at a unique forum like this helps us to see that in some ways we are not isolated in our experiences on the whole, but more so through the nuance of our own unique situations. I say this because I'm often called out by others as an outlier of some kind (a friend called me alien just today!), but I find more common ground with people here than irl. The other reason I say it is because I've chosen to dive into that feeling; that deep scary well of isolation. What I've been learning is that it somewhat doesn't matter so much the more we are able to accept and be with ourselves within the predicament or situation that leads us to feeling isolated. There's an infinity within us to discover. Now, that's not to say we should give up on connection, because no matter how introverted one may be we're still social creatures, but to focus on the side of the coin that is the hardest for us. From there more connections seem to manifest. Lastly, sometimes that being too different state is a result of one being more authentic with themselves than say others that prefer to appeal to the status quo. Be you.

My entire life I faced narcistic abuse from my dad.
Then from best friend for about 10 years.
Then from coworkers for about 5 years.
I experienced this so much that I started to hate the egoism.
Not hating the egoistc persons itself but the egoism.

By virtue of two facts: 1. you wonder if you're a narcissist or not authentically, not because you want to still have your way with others, and 2. you choose to hate egoism and not the people the portray it, I'd say you're not very likely to be a narcissist.

Then I read that the probability to be narcistic myself is very high with such an environment.
This resulted in a lot of questions.
Like "Am I too egoistic myself?"
Probably I am, probably I am not, probably I fear to know that.
Because would that mean that I would hate myself?
But what I know is that I do not want to be that.

What is the reason for not wanting to be a narcissist? If it's because you feel it's "wrong" and that it delimits the well-being of others, you're likely not. If it's because you don't want to get caught as a narcissist you likely are. The former seems more fitting in my eyes for you based on this and many of your other posts. I've never seen anything in you that would make me think that. Granted, I only know who you are here, not in your everyday life. It's really you who will know in the end, and perhaps those around you.

This is one of the reasons why I want to work so much on myself.
That is why reading quotes is so important for me.
To read, to watch, to learn, to understand.

Do not get me wrong, I do not write this so someone feels sorry for me.
I want to return the warm feeling of not feeling alone.

Keep doing all of those things. But to make real change, also accept yourself where you currently are. You're doing great.

We all have each other. That's why this community is so valuable and precious. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It touches more people than will ever say anything about it.

And thank you as well @spyfish

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

@Physics131 I have a quote that might be suitable to add to your collection.

It's from "Life According to Vincent 150 Inspiring Quotes." A book my mom got for me when she went to Europe (I think, she goes on a lot of trips).

The quotes are largely pulled from letters to his brother, Theo.

"How much there is in art that is beautiful, if only one can remember what one has seen, one is never empty or truly lonely, and never alone."

Granted what you were referring to your isolation may not really align with this, I thought you may be able to find some solace in it nonetheless.

One love

 

[Seagull]

We should add that the ego is a moldable part of you that can be shaped by one self but mostly it is shaped by others around us. Some times i feel like there are umbrella ego's at play (like cultural norms and values) that also influence the ego.
We dont know howmuch exactly but a great deal of our life is mostly dictated by what other people think (like parents / teachers etc).

I think only very few times do we ponder and meditate about our ego. I have found that we can shape the go simply by mantras or more strongly by actions.
Thats why i believe mantra's are so powerful tools to use.

What are your thoughts on this?

 

[Physics131]

@Physics131 I can't lie, I had to take a step back from this thread when I read your first section in your response. I was feeling very weak, and read that someone saw strength in me, and then I got discombobulated

While I understand your point of view I also think that it can feel very uncomfortable when an individual only thinks about their own vulnerbilities.
The next step is communicating them which can increase the discomfort.
IMO there has to be some strength involved for the individual to jump over his own shaddow (the discomfort) and actually walk the next step.
But this shows me that even when someone feels weak someone can perform strong actions or make good decisions.

Thank you for shareing your detailed thoughts.
It means a lot for me and answers lots of my questions.
Would like to dive into this topic a bit more but I also think that a separate thread would be better suited with the intention not to hijack your thread.

Regarding vulnerbility:
There are a few different opinions about if someone should share or not share his/her vulerbilities.
Opinions like "shareing vulnerbility makes someone vulnerable".
I do not subscribe to this opinion. But it does not mean that it is wrong or right.
It is also probably a matter with whom, which is shared.
Shareing it can sometimes result in paying the price of getting aware that someone else uses it against someone.
But while it was shared it does not mean that we did not overcome it.
At that time where someone could use it against someone it could already been fixed.
For this situation, are we really paying a price?
The vulnerbility of today can be the strength of tomorrow.
Or even the vulnerbility itself can actually be the strength.
Sometimes this thoughts can also push us forward in a different way.
There is Kidlins law "If you write the problem down clearly, then the matter is half solved.".
Although it must not always be easy.

 

[Voidmatrix]

We should add that the ego is a moldable part of you that can be shaped by one self but mostly it is shaped by others around us. Some times i feel like there are umbrella ego's at play (like cultural norms and values) that also influence the ego.
We dont know howmuch exactly but a great deal of our life is mostly dictated by what other people think (like parents / teachers etc).

I think only very few times do we ponder and meditate about our ego. I have found that we can shape the go simply by mantras or more strongly by actions.
Thats why i believe mantra's are so powerful tools to use.

What are your thoughts on this?

I have a saying that the first things one learns are usually the last things one questions... I usually leave it at that because I want what is implied to hit people slowly until they have a fully formed thought around the implications of the statement. When I say that phrase, it pertains to everything; most of which can be framed as part of the environment like many of the factors you mentioned.

This is an area where we can look at trauma. What is it that we've learned about ourselves, that may no longer be true, or was never true, that impacts us in what ways today?

I think that there are many ways to mold and reframe ego, and the items you mentioned are but a few. I think, and this has been my practice, that as much honesty with oneself is a great tool in aligning the ego with the deeper individuated self in an authentic way. This honesty spans everything about our internal world from why we think certain thoughts, to why we have certain triggers, to how we come to certain conclusions, and the whys behind it all. It can be ugly, it can also be beautiful.

While I understand your point of view I also think that it can feel very uncomfortable when an individual only thinks about their own vulnerbilities.
The next step is communicating them which can increase the discomfort.
IMO there has to be some strength involved for the individual to jump over his own shaddow (the discomfort) and actually walk the next step.
But this shows me that even when someone feels weak someone can perform strong actions or make good decisions.

My discomfort came from reconciling my lived experience in the moment with your perception of me, which in that moment there appeared to be no way for it to make sense without a direct contradiction of some sort. It was a bit of imposter syndrome.

But yes, there's discomfort all around. The more we're with it, and really in it, the more we acclimate to a point that we can change it.

That being said, if your reference to shadow was with regard to shadow work, I try to jump into it, not over.

Your last sentence here I align with deeply...

Thank you for shareing your detailed thoughts.
It means a lot for me and answers lots of my questions.
Would like to dive into this topic a bit more but I also think that a separate thread would be better suited with the intention not to hijack your thread.

Feel free to open the conversation as you like, it's my thread and I tend to keep them pretty open to others (like how I enjoy when others share poetry in my poetry thread). So have at it if you so choose.

There are a few different opinions about if someone should share or not share his/her vulerbilities.
Opinions like "shareing vulnerbility makes someone vulnerable".
I do not subscribe to this opinion. But it does not mean that it is wrong or right.
It is also probably a matter with whom, which is shared.
Shareing it can sometimes result in paying the price of getting aware that someone else uses it against someone.
But while it was shared it does not mean that we did not overcome it.
At that time where someone could use it against someone it could already been fixed.
For this situation, are we really paying a price?
The vulnerbility of today can be the strength of tomorrow.
Or even the vulnerbility itself can actually be the strength.
Sometimes this thoughts can also push us forward in a different way.
There is Kidlins law "If you write the problem down clearly, then the matter is half solved.".
Although it must not always be easy.

To this I'd say context, my friend, context. The most beautiful connections can arise from individuals being fully vulnerable with each other as well as with themselves. But yes, there are those will judge, undermine, castigate, manipulate, and abuse when one is vulnerable without a certain underlying strength to prevent them from harm, emotionally or physically. When we're vulnerable by choice, it's almost always a strength I feel.

Just woke up from a nap so I'm a little "meeehhheheheee"

One love