I feel the need to post this somewhere and this Forum seems the best.
(PS: I mention the “bottle” without mentioning whats in it so I decided to add this since it explains what is in it: the entire bottle has maybe 10 grams of Syria and about 20-30 of Mimosa, it is a 1½ liter container filled to the brim that has been used for this purpose before. I would plan to drink, at most, a 1/4th to half of one liter, so at most about 3.2 of Syria and about 5-15 of mimosa. Keep in mind, the brew has sat in this particular bottle for 4 months, it was slow boiled for roughly 12 hours when I made it and it should be, based on experience from a fellow psyconaut, exceptionally potent.)
I was here a long while ago and wrote a story about my first Ayahuasca/Anahuasca/Syrian Rue-Harmala experience.
That was roughly a year ago. I think, might have been two.
I’ve integrated most of what I was able to take from that, but not entirely of course.
After it my tolerance to all other hallucinogenic or narcotics disappeared to literally nothing.
I take about half a bottle of beer and I feel violently ill, though I don’t like to drink alcohol even before so it doesn’t really matter, but it is interesting that I would feel such strong reactions from everything these days. One cup of coffee and I’m through the roof.
Now, I’ve been smoking weed for about 4 months now, as much as I can get my hands on and I’ve learned much and integrated much.
It brings me back to this.
The ayahuasca that started it all.
I’ve been dealing with emotional, spiritual and sexual abuse my entire life.
I’ve learned to, in some way, hate and loath everyone I meet, on the grounds that it is likely that they will act as everyone else does.
I’ve realized how that belief makes it happen, by preventing me from meeting the people that would not act as everyone else does.
It is not that there are bastards in the world, it is that for some reason I keep intentionally finding them.
Now, I’m sitting at home, there is a bottle of the brew I made almost 4 months ago and stored in the freezer. IT was frozen solid.
The brew smells ok, had this faintly choclaty smell to the foam.
But based on a very small dose (finger dipping small) the taste is as it should be, with a very small hint of it being les sbitter than before, but as there are still frozen parts in the bottle (I am melting it slowly on the table as we speak) it is possible the “bitter stuff” is in the middle.
Now, I know that I am getting healthy, the last time that I was on aya, I told the spirit “don’t do it now, I’m not ready, if you force me to the world now all I will do is rip myself to pieces over and over again. I will only harm myself because I can feel in my heart that I am not ready, I need more time”
And like that the effects were gone, everything from the almost 10 second delay to almost all sensory problems were gone. It is like I came down after I said that, and I saw this lady in a green dress wave at me wisfully from a distance and the effect ended.
Now, what I had then was about 10+ grams of Syrian and 3-5 grams of mimosa, I know, a bad freaking mix. Blame being silly and wanting to go like 10 syria 20 mimosa. But apparently the rise of the Syria alone combined with a slight rise from the mimosa rattled some neurons lose and made me understand the predicament I was placing myself in. Both wanting to heal and not wanting to heal. So the spirit withdrew.
Ofcourse, there is the possibility that I am “stuck on a trip” drooling in a corner in some mental hospital, but, if it looks like I’m awake, sounds like I am awake and feels like I am awake, for all intents and purposes, I am awake. That being that until proven otherwise I must treat this world as if it was “the real world” and live as such.
Now, thinking of my situation, and looking at that bottle that is slowly melting in the sink I have several emotions running through my head that, normally, would make little sense.
I have a feeling like my life is over, its been nothing but misery and I have nothing to live for, except for one thing, which the feeling of depression has assaulted with a thousand visions while I’m high, never being able to discourage me from it. So, unlike before, I have a motivation now.
What I feel, more important than all, is that now I have a real motivation to both see myself as I am, and become the person I wish to be.
So, I know that if I walk over to the kitchen now, pour some hot water on the bottle and help it melt, and then chug like half a liter of the hard stuff, I’ll essentially be healed.
Now, not counting for how freakishly painful and difficult it might be, I would very likely much much better off than I am today.
Yet at the back of my mind I have this vision of my life being over if I drink now.
It is of all the fears I have of failure and all that compressed into one fear of “its all over if you drink”
Yet, I know in my mind that if I don’t drink, I will have forfitted on the few things that HAVE made me happy.
So I’m split.
The brew is relatively ready, it tastes bitter and “like brew should” it has a very slight smell of sugar or chocolate but nothing that would not be noticeable without sticking your nose in the brew itself.
No hints of it having gone bad, but it is possible.
And a deep deep fear that if I drink it, it is all over.
But a even stronger desire to drink it, since it is the once chance I have for being content with myself for the rest of my life.
Suggestions, is the time right? Should I brew another batch? Should I keep smoking weed for now?
I know I am intensely afraid, but unlike before, I am determined to go through it at some point. But I’m a master of postponing things.
I have confirmed the presence of a watcher for the entire evening, including the possibility of sedatives, a experienced psychonaut and weed. I have gone without food/medication and done all the emotional prepration I must.
So, I am curious about two things.
Is the brew likely OK after such a long storage period?
What do you think of my situation, and timing?
(PS: I mention the “bottle” without mentioning whats in it so I decided to add this since it explains what is in it: the entire bottle has maybe 10 grams of Syria and about 20-30 of Mimosa, it is a 1½ liter container filled to the brim that has been used for this purpose before. I would plan to drink, at most, a 1/4th to half of one liter, so at most about 3.2 of Syria and about 5-15 of mimosa. Keep in mind, the brew has sat in this particular bottle for 4 months, it was slow boiled for roughly 12 hours when I made it and it should be, based on experience from a fellow psyconaut, exceptionally potent.)
I was here a long while ago and wrote a story about my first Ayahuasca/Anahuasca/Syrian Rue-Harmala experience.
That was roughly a year ago. I think, might have been two.
I’ve integrated most of what I was able to take from that, but not entirely of course.
After it my tolerance to all other hallucinogenic or narcotics disappeared to literally nothing.
I take about half a bottle of beer and I feel violently ill, though I don’t like to drink alcohol even before so it doesn’t really matter, but it is interesting that I would feel such strong reactions from everything these days. One cup of coffee and I’m through the roof.
Now, I’ve been smoking weed for about 4 months now, as much as I can get my hands on and I’ve learned much and integrated much.
It brings me back to this.
The ayahuasca that started it all.
I’ve been dealing with emotional, spiritual and sexual abuse my entire life.
I’ve learned to, in some way, hate and loath everyone I meet, on the grounds that it is likely that they will act as everyone else does.
I’ve realized how that belief makes it happen, by preventing me from meeting the people that would not act as everyone else does.
It is not that there are bastards in the world, it is that for some reason I keep intentionally finding them.
Now, I’m sitting at home, there is a bottle of the brew I made almost 4 months ago and stored in the freezer. IT was frozen solid.
The brew smells ok, had this faintly choclaty smell to the foam.
But based on a very small dose (finger dipping small) the taste is as it should be, with a very small hint of it being les sbitter than before, but as there are still frozen parts in the bottle (I am melting it slowly on the table as we speak) it is possible the “bitter stuff” is in the middle.
Now, I know that I am getting healthy, the last time that I was on aya, I told the spirit “don’t do it now, I’m not ready, if you force me to the world now all I will do is rip myself to pieces over and over again. I will only harm myself because I can feel in my heart that I am not ready, I need more time”
And like that the effects were gone, everything from the almost 10 second delay to almost all sensory problems were gone. It is like I came down after I said that, and I saw this lady in a green dress wave at me wisfully from a distance and the effect ended.
Now, what I had then was about 10+ grams of Syrian and 3-5 grams of mimosa, I know, a bad freaking mix. Blame being silly and wanting to go like 10 syria 20 mimosa. But apparently the rise of the Syria alone combined with a slight rise from the mimosa rattled some neurons lose and made me understand the predicament I was placing myself in. Both wanting to heal and not wanting to heal. So the spirit withdrew.
Ofcourse, there is the possibility that I am “stuck on a trip” drooling in a corner in some mental hospital, but, if it looks like I’m awake, sounds like I am awake and feels like I am awake, for all intents and purposes, I am awake. That being that until proven otherwise I must treat this world as if it was “the real world” and live as such.
Now, thinking of my situation, and looking at that bottle that is slowly melting in the sink I have several emotions running through my head that, normally, would make little sense.
I have a feeling like my life is over, its been nothing but misery and I have nothing to live for, except for one thing, which the feeling of depression has assaulted with a thousand visions while I’m high, never being able to discourage me from it. So, unlike before, I have a motivation now.
What I feel, more important than all, is that now I have a real motivation to both see myself as I am, and become the person I wish to be.
So, I know that if I walk over to the kitchen now, pour some hot water on the bottle and help it melt, and then chug like half a liter of the hard stuff, I’ll essentially be healed.
Now, not counting for how freakishly painful and difficult it might be, I would very likely much much better off than I am today.
Yet at the back of my mind I have this vision of my life being over if I drink now.
It is of all the fears I have of failure and all that compressed into one fear of “its all over if you drink”
Yet, I know in my mind that if I don’t drink, I will have forfitted on the few things that HAVE made me happy.
So I’m split.
The brew is relatively ready, it tastes bitter and “like brew should” it has a very slight smell of sugar or chocolate but nothing that would not be noticeable without sticking your nose in the brew itself.
No hints of it having gone bad, but it is possible.
And a deep deep fear that if I drink it, it is all over.
But a even stronger desire to drink it, since it is the once chance I have for being content with myself for the rest of my life.
Suggestions, is the time right? Should I brew another batch? Should I keep smoking weed for now?
I know I am intensely afraid, but unlike before, I am determined to go through it at some point. But I’m a master of postponing things.
I have confirmed the presence of a watcher for the entire evening, including the possibility of sedatives, a experienced psychonaut and weed. I have gone without food/medication and done all the emotional prepration I must.
So, I am curious about two things.
Is the brew likely OK after such a long storage period?
What do you think of my situation, and timing?
