Solitude/Loneliness on the Path

[Skitty]

It seems that this path, my path, our path-the PATH-that gets talked about so often, is a profoundly independent journey. I feel like the more I dive into spirituality, meditating, reading and beyond, the more I feel inclined to break away from old connections and patterns. I always figured this would be a great thing, and perhaps I just haven't taken it far enough, but at this juncture, what I'm really feeling is lonely. Perhaps isolated is the word, almost as if this crazy pursuit to discover my own truth or potential has alienated me from much of what I have known in my short stint of life on this planet.

In many many ways, I feel blessed to have been awoken to a larger picture...despite the fact that the circumstances were less than ideal on more than one count. I understand now, perhaps, a fraction of the potential that may lie within each of us, what true compassion feels like, and what Love is capable of manifesting-when it can be connected with.

In mythology, and amongst esoteric traditions, it seems that there is a concept of a dying away, a shedding of the old in order to make room for the new. Is that where this lonliness is coming from? I truly do feel that in many ways I am dying to myself, and where I resist, great suffering is taking place. However, my overactive mind just cannot let go, cannot accept the full-blown implications of what this "shedding" would leave in its wake-family, friends, lifestyle, all of it-would be so radically different, or so it seems. Perhaps my mind has blown it all out of proportion.

Chogyam Trungpa talks about the path of the warrior, about the absolute necessity of living a life of integrity and bravery-which is something I think we all desire deep down. However, the implications of what he says are far reaching, and the lifestyle he describes seems at first glance to be a bit idealistic in this fast-paced culture. To truly walk the path of the warrior, what level of renunciation is really necessary, if such a thing can be generalized, and what is the potential for truly keeping awareness high enough to sustain such lofty ideals?

I have been led to this website, and a semblance of a path, through many unfortunate circumstances that have closed my heart off to other people, as well as to mySelf. Some days are truly excruciating. However, those glimpses of truth, Love, and openness that I have felt have been enough to keep me moving forward, however slowly. I feel strongly called to deepen my practices and radically alter my lifestyle, but the diving board just seems so high! Am I looking for a plunge, or is it a staircase all the way?

Thank you all so much, I have already gained so much from the insight here. Blessings.

 

[Purges]

If you haven't already, you should check out the i feel my drug use has thread.

Many of us feel this way, sometimes separated, dissosciated, lost even. You are separating yourself from your old ideals. Shedding your skin and renewing yourself. This is one reason snakes are one of my favorite creatures. They grow, they shed, they come back anew - larger, more powerful, more deadly, more beautiful. You are becoming more.

You went to school right? What happened when you left and went to secondary school? You had to 'shed' your old friends and make new ones, but the real ones, you keep with you, you visit them in the holidays, you keep them in your heart.

I feel like we go through these profound journeys, which often contain themes of unity, oneness and infinite love, only to come back to feel disappointed with consensual reality, you realise that people are so locked into this and don't know that there is MORE. This in turn makes us feel isolated. It is our job how ever, to bring back the light and love that we have been so totally immersed in, and help shine it on those that need it. Maybe a break from travelling to ground yourself in this world and spread that light is what is needed? I know my current circumstances are such that I am not tripping at the moment, and for me it has helped to re-integrate some what. It's more a case of finding where you fit in, now that you are aware of this 'bigger picture'...

This is a lonely path that we tread, but that does not mean we are alone. Be like the serpent, renewed, refreshed, MORE.

 

[Enoon]

As many wise persons have been known to say - all things are transient, all things change. Or in my preferred phrasing: No single thing abides, but all things flow.

I don't know if on your path you will have to leave everything behind... but IMO the truth is that if you want to move forward you have to be willing to do so. Whether in the end your path can be shared by others or not, this no one can know. But if you want to walk your path you should be willing to walk it no matter what or who you leave behind.

to use another quote:
"the important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."
~ Charles Dubois

You may feel lonely now, but consider this: if you do not live the life that you need to live, do not walk your path, you will never be fully and authentically you. What sort of connections can you hope to make to other people, if not even you yourself are authentically you? It may seem like a lonely path but IMO it is the only way to ever really connect to others, otherwise I am just lying to myself, talking with imaginary friends...

my 2¢

 

[Guyomech]

Purges hits the nail on the head... It's part of the renewal cycle.

The path you are embarking on is one that only a few of us take. That's why it's not something you can easily talk about with your casual friends. It really does set you apart in very profound ways.

I can only speak about my own journey here... At one point in the early 1990s I was at a distinct fork in the road. Had a business in Chicago- a successful tattoo studio- with a number of employees and hangers-on. It was a whole little scene, and what gave me my place in the city. But around this time I was having my first major psychedelic breakthroughs, and the whole thing felt like a burden that was standing in my way. So I closed the shop, moved to the boondocks to focus on my art and my explorations. Pissrd a lot of people off in the process, and in some ways making the break was pretty traumatic. Friendships ended, that kind of thing.

But two decades later I have no regrets. I have maintained real, deep friendships from a surprising number of people from that era of my life, but there are many whom I've drifted away from. Part of the process, and a liberating one.

Best of luck, you'll be fine!

 

[Botanical Bliss]

I too feel lonely sometimes. Most people I come in contact with on a daily basis just don't know there is more, like purges said. I feel different and isolated, which is weird because I've had unifying experiences. Lately though I've been changing. I feel more in tune or something. I feel like I am being renewed, like the snake's skin. I just need to find the others out there that know, that have been past this normal everyday level of consciousness and where I have been. I need help shining the light. This weekend there is a big drum circle at this Pagan Pride event in the nearest big city from me, I will probably go to that, not because I'm pagan, but I know I will find others there that I can relate to. People of light and love. You're not alone in your lonlieness brother

 

[anrchy]

Find someone you can share the experience/path with

 

[tango]

I too feel lonely sometimes. Most people I come in contact with on a daily basis just don't know there is more

Actually most people prefer to think that there is more, which explains why religion has been around for so long. As for knowing that there is more -no one really does.

 

[anrchy]

I too feel lonely sometimes. Most people I come in contact with on a daily basis just don't know there is more

Actually most people prefer to think that there is more, which explains why religion has been around for so long. As for knowing that there is more -no one really does.

You don't think the DMT experience is "more"? It certainly is MORE in many different ways. Regardless of anything it expands on life in a way that religion intends to, and often does.

 

[parallelwhispers]

I feel lonely, really lonely, My girlfriend left shortly after I started my spiritual journey a few months ago. She's not willing to be "surrounded" by it, because she had a bad experience with it.

Ever since I've realized my old friends don't really click with me anymore, or perhaps never did.

It's hard to find someone to enjoy a conversation with anymore, outside of the Nexus.
I hang around in the nexus chat like it's my life now, forced to talk to my like minded friends through a computer screen, with something as impersonal as a keyboard.


I definitely understand your loneliness, it's not that noone knows there is more, it's that noone knows how to express their emotions about it. "Emotions get in the way of our over-productivity, and they show our weaknesses, so why show them?" - most people.

I wish I could meet some Nexians, and maybe even build a new community with them.
People say "it won't all of a sudden be heaven." I think it'll be close enough that it doesn't matter.


Thanks for reading my drawn out response.

I love you.

 

[○]

Yes, my strongest of experiences have certainly isolated me in some ways from many folks. But on the reverse to has brought me incredibly close with my loved ones and my few good friends. And although I dont jive with most of the public or your everyday individual doesn't mean that I don't have a deep respect and compassion for most. I see my face in their face. The many'a aspects of myself I see in literally everyone.

It is literally like your operating on a different level than most. You are that much more sensitive to people and situations. Your mental-scape in your day to day life is much more lucid and mellow I feel.

Going to the store is a perfect example. Just watching people hustle n' bustle, attitudes all over the place. It feels like alot of the time that I'm the calm center among the whirlwind of the public.

Lonliness can be a beautiful thing. Alot of time to get to know yourself.

 

[anrchy]

I have extradited many people who I thought were my friends out of my life before I had taken DMT. These people were energy vampires, full of drama and never giving back into the relationship what they took. I now have a very small group of friends, most whom I barely get to see anymore. This is a result of the path I started to take before DMT showed me more of the picture, or a clearer version of the picture.

Basically I look at it like this. We adjust our selves in order to integrate into human social life. Many of these changes go against who we really are ir are to become Naturally we sacrifice some parts of ourselves in order to have social interaction and integration into how this worlds system functions. This causes you to 'forget' your true path and you end up working hard for a company you don't believe in or building a life that is similiar to how everyone else is doing it (white picket fence ect.).

Either with or without drugs a spiritual path brings you back on track with your true self and true vision (true'r) of your outlook. Or atleast a better one usually. This forces dissociative feelings with things you became attached to but no longer feel the need for ect.

If you end up realizing the car your driving isn't for you anymore you don't walk to work, you get the car that fits you correctly. This is the path of the spiritual one. Your old lifestyle isn't integrated into your being as strong and so you need to find the hobbies, friends, activities, studies so on, that are the new you. They are out there you just have to know where to look.

It is extremely beneficial to have a spirit buddy. I have 4 friends and my gf that I consider as this. I am able to share these/my experiences with them with complete openness and know that they will understand and be able to relate.

I believe the spiritual path is not just a path of oneness with yourself but oneness with others like you so if you don't have this get it because you are only experiencing a slice of the cake. Loneliness is counter productive, it is a defense mechanism of your brain. You are not designed to be alone, you have to be able to talk and express the things that are most important to you to others that feel the same and will listen.

 

[No Knowing]

This thread really resonated with me as I read through the posts. I am at the point where I am just realizing how ALONE I will really be if I go towards the path that I know leads to a deeper connection to the self and the all.

Most of my longtime childhood friends will trip once in a while but they see it as occasional recreation or escape from their normal 9-5's and aspirations of suburban white-picket fence living.

The thing is, the more I think about brushing the spiritual path to the side in order to fit in and relate to greater humanity, the more I see that this would be infinitely more painful then following the path of self. While it may feel alienating and lonely in the beginning I can already feel the forward motion picking up steam and putting me into deep communion with the only friend you'll have from birth until death, yourself.(possibly in the after-death)

The longer one is on the path the less alone they will feel. Having a true inner-self allows one to relate to others more fully and openly, rather than, with the usual masks used in everyday society. Meeting like minded folk in regular life is always a welcomed spontaneous joy and converting "straight-edge" friends onto the path to self-discovery forms strong bonds. Also, communities like the Nexus or festival life allow one to see that there are really more travelers out there.

 

[Enoon]

I know it might seem strange and almost impossible, but hey, get this: just because someone does not trip, does not take psychedelics, doesn't mean you will not be able to have a meaningful bond / friendship with them, or be able to speak about the things that matter to you.

Once you get beyond the point of wanting to tell everyone of the shiny bright colors you've seen, I think you will find that there are lots of people out there to talk with and relate to. Maybe not all of them will turn out to be your soul mates, but even so, some might... without being into psychedelics. It's not all there is to being on your path!! While it might be a frequently used tool I believe it's only a small fraction (and not necessary at all) of our actual journey.

be well everyone

 

[No Knowing]

Enoon, I totally agree I think entheogens can bring one inward, but, they can definitely allow one to appreciate other people's lives in all their glorious multiplicity.

Someone doesn't have to be on the spiritual or shamanic path to teach you something about life. Getting into a deep conversation with an aged Hispanic landscaper can be just as revealing or enlightening as a conversation with a knowledgeable college professor or a dreadlocked acidhead.

Realizing we are all on the same journey just taking different paths can be helpful to feeling more "at home" among wider society.

 

[entheogenadvocate]

Skitty, that was an absolutely beautiful and heartfelt opening post. I resonate deeply with it, as well as the profound and sincere replies.

Outside of my career, I spend almost all of my time alone (alone being with my American Pit Bull Terrier, who is my best friend). I'm blessed to have a few very close friends, but almost all of them live very far away.

My goals of learning about myself, preparing for death, and learning more from entheogens and my soul have made me pull back from what most people consider a "normal life". Like you, the Nexus is one of the only places I have where I feel I'm able to communicate with others I truly respect and empathize with.

I've recently been actively working to use the lessons I've learned from entheogens and meditation to help heal the pain that I see in the world. I feel completely at peace when I'm working to help others, rather than to make my own life more "comfortable". Chances are I won't meet other people that are extremely interested in entheogens where I live, but I hope to meet other people who have found "more" by volunteering at Hospice Centers and the Boys and Girls Club.

I wish everyone the best. It can be a lonely road, but nothing worth pursuing is easy.

Love and blessings to all of you.

 

[sidefx]

I used to picture enlightenment as different but it is not, it is a state of mind aye?

not just some gained knowledge.


I mean SOME Regular as family people are at a state i would consider Enlightened, and they just eminate good vibes, they run off of them, and you can feel it around them, in their voice, and eyes

they are so positively charged.

Reckon it could be when a persons vibration is raised high enough they just diminish negativity around them.


Like i read this trilogy once - The Mode series by Anthony piers.

And in
The King, in a parallel dimension, travels the earth and goes town to town,

and in the towns the people gather and the King,
'a Special person with the power of near unlimited JOY'
The king amplifies his power out to the people and fills them with laughter and joy filling them up.


******
I just looked at the topic title, don't remember why i brought that up^^^^^
I like a puff at the end of the week of Uncle Bob


I was going to ask if you had read this post, it was a real nice post good felling..

You cannot fight against the ego and win, just as you cannot fight against the air - Eckhart Tolle

Boy Korbbit, as so many others here already said, I can surely relate to your position on life. It happened for me in roughly the same way, a constant ache in my heart for something lacking, something just not right about life on Earth as it was being presented to me. Death was a problem that no one seemed interested in grappling with until it was unavoidable, but for me life was impossible to live so long as death cast its shadow over it. So, from a very early age, I tackled the biggest philosophical problem of all: if death is the great equalizer, what meaning can anything I do in my life possibly have?

I'd see people running around pursuing relationships and money, trying to make it in life and I was sort of on the sidelines, watching life as it seemed to pass me by. Once I could break the shackles of western Christianity had placed on me, I began to pursue this idea of enlightenment. The concept seemed to fit nicely into what I was looking for: that there was an answer to life's many woes that a human can figure out somehow. This began a long, hard road that did end up having a happy ending (I get life now and am at peace with it). However, entheogens were only the final key I needed to pick the lock on life's mystery, I had already had a measure of understanding before I went into it as a spiritual pursuit.

I've been doing some study of Hermeticism lately. Briefly stated, it's a very old gnostic philosophy that was highly regarded back in the day (until Christianity all but wiped it out). One of the key concepts I've come to understand in Hermetic thinking is what's called the negrado, or the blackening. In old alchemical thought the negrado was the lead that was to be turned into gold, but in hermetic thought the negrado is a prerequisite to attaining a deeper understanding of the universe. It's a process whereby the human soul burns out all of the shit that can be considered wrong in life. It's the decay of a lifelong friendship with the realization that the friendship no longer serves the highest function of the soul. It's the breakup of a marriage because the two parties are not really truly in love with each other and have been just going through the motions. It's losing a job or a career that was taking you in the opposite direction of the spiritual path. Basically, the negrado is a process of suffering that opens the door to enlightenment.

I'll use an illustration, are you familiar with the japanese anime Dragonball Z? Hopefully you are because the way the character named Vegeta in that show attains the super saiyan state is similar to this concept I'm talking about. For the entire anime this character Vegeta is questing after this mythical and powerful state called a super saiyan. In many instances, he falsely claims he has attained the state of super saiyan only to get utterly pummeled into submission by a more powerful foe. After his rival Kakarot and his son Trunks attain the super saiyan state and he still cannot, he nearly goes mad in his pursuit of it. He leaves planet Earth to train in the greater universe, and no matter how much he tried he could not attain the super saiyan state. Then, one day in exhaustion, he is on a planet that is surely about to be destroyed due to a meteor shower. Having no energy left, Vegeta finally comes to a place where he didn't care anymore. He didn't care if he ever became a super saiyan, he didn't care if he was better than his rival Kakarot, he didn't even care if he lived or died. And it was there, in that moment of having nothing that it happened: he transformed!

Enlightenment is sort of like that. You will never 'attain' it so long as your looking for it, and yet at the same time it requires some effort in seeking on your part doesn't it? It's a complete paradox, but it's not without it's own way of working itself out. There is a school of buddhism called Shingon Buddhism (probably not spelled correctly). It probably has the best understanding of how a soul attains enlightenment. In the Shingon school all one needs to do is call upon the name of the buddha once, only once, in true sincerity and eventually, no matter how many reincarnations it takes, the seeker will attain enlightenment. That's sort of all you need to do. Make up your mind that that is the goal, and your life will take you down that path probably in ways you didn't expect. So, see, you say you have issues with depression and the person you are but you seem to already have set your esoteric eyes on enlightenment as a worthy pursuit. That path is not a rosy path, and every person who truly wishes to go down it will be met with their own challenges and blackening-type experience.

Think of it sort of like how Christ says that to enter the kingdom of heaven you must be born again. It's like that, and what comes before rebirth is, sadly, the death of the old way of life. This is painful, this HURTS! But it's necessary to break us out of our old habits and shitty way of looking at things. If the things in your life were already what they needed to be, you wouldn't need enlightenment would you?

Entheogens are tools and they seem to always give you exactly what you need when you need it. If you had a really bad experience, you probably needed to have it. I absolutely understand how horrifying a bad trip is, I've been there myself, but even the worst trip I ever had, upon reflection, turned out to be a road mark on the path to enlightenment. Sometimes we have false things so embedded in our psyche, even unknowingly, that getting us to see the truth can sometimes be excruciating. My worst trip, I had to come face to face with a voice screaming at me how unworthy I was of the hyperspace realm, how that was a holy place and I was sinful. When I finally had the courage to look at what was happening, to see that this was my EGO trying to convince me to stay with it, in it, that voice stopped and I've never had an issue with feeling worthy ever again. In a vision, I saw the ego curl up into the fetal position and whisper, like an infant 'don't leave me... don't leave me... i don't want to die...', and from where I was I couldn't understand what the damn thing was getting so worked up about!

This is a hard path my friend, but the rewards are worth it even if the process is slow. Sadly, enlightenment isn't something that one just gets overnight and that's the end of it. No, rather, enlightenment is like that path less travelled in Christian philosophy. It's a path that one takes in life, with all the twists and bends that come with it.

Keep at it, and whether a month, a year, ten years, or several lifetimes, you'll get it friend. You'll get it.

Hope you feel lighter Peace and PLRrrrrrrrr

 

[Eliyahu]

IMO we are never truly alone, I believe that is an illusion. The entire universe and many, many of the inhabatants of that universe have your back...NO worries....

Humans don't make for the best company any way :lol:

 

[○]

IMO we are never truly alone, I believe that is an illusion. The entire universe and many, many of the inhabatants of that universe have your back...NO worries....

Humans don't make for the best company any way :lol:

:thumb_up:

 

[VIII]

Enoon, I totally agree I think entheogens can bring one inward, but, they can definitely allow one to appreciate other people's lives in all their glorious multiplicity.

Someone doesn't have to be on the spiritual or shamanic path to teach you something about life. Getting into a deep conversation with an aged Hispanic landscaper can be just as revealing or enlightening as a conversation with a knowledgeable college professor or a dreadlocked acidhead.

Realizing we are all on the same journey just taking different paths can be helpful to feeling more "at home" among wider society.

Dead on. We are far from alone.

Not everyone has the same lifestyles but hearing different perspectives on life is a great refresh and can give a nudge in a new direction. I make an effort everyday to have legitimate conversations with people and skip all the bullshit auto-pilot chit chat, unless everyone is kicking back of course. Many of the conversations I've had have been just as enlightening as most of my inner journeys minus the guesswork.

I admit upon meeting DMT I had similar feelings, but they have passed. Always an ongoing process of discovery and reintegration.

The best advice I could give is to remain open minded and get out there and socialize. Go to a bar-type-spot, gather some friends over, anything where you can speak freely and get comfortable in your new groove.

 

[4thDiMenTion]

I can totally relate to feeling alone on the path.

I'm a chick, and when I see the way that certain women choose to promote themselves (i.e.- via their looks rather than their minds), it makes me very sad.

Don't get me wrong- I think both men and women should embrace and celebrate their physical being. But I also believe that our shells are secondary to our core selves.

So when I see women flashing their bodies at parties to score a free drink or a line, I can't help but start to wonder: should I be doing that too?

Now of course I know the answer is no. But I mention this to help illustrate a point: there is a very real pressure out there for women to be seen and not heard.

And gentlemen, I don't think you have it any easier. Male sexism is alive and well in this country. I feel like men are taught from a young age to hold back certain components of their maternal side. This is a tragedy because men are very maternal, and their healing presence is undeniable.

Society has done a number on us all. But we are the lucky few who heard the call, made a map, and set sail to the edges of the universe!

So I send my love out to each and every one of you. You are so needed in this world. Keep going!