strange feeling after meditation retreat

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when seeing unwholesome thoughts, it's like seeing dog poop on the street. Seeing it is the prerequisite to not stepping on it. But if you then start staring at it, smelling it, touching it, it's even worse than stepping on it. The point of seeing it is to avoid stepping on it, and keep walking.

About this, I'll leave here a very pertinent section of MN19. It's a little bit long, but I think very relevant. Particularly this quote "Whatever a mendicant frequently thinks about and considers becomes their heart’s inclination".

Mendicants, before my awakening—when I was still unawakened but intent on awakening—I thought: ‘Why don’t I meditate by continually dividing my thoughts into two classes?’ So I assigned sensual, malicious, and cruel thoughts to one class. And I assigned thoughts of renunciation, good will, and harmlessness to the second class.

Then, as I meditated—diligent, keen, and resolute—a sensual thought arose. I understood: ‘This sensual thought has arisen in me. It leads to hurting myself, hurting others, and hurting both. It blocks wisdom, it’s on the side of distress, and it doesn’t lead to extinguishment.’ When I reflected that it leads to hurting myself, it went away. When I reflected that it leads to hurting others, it went away. When I reflected that it leads to hurting both, it went away. When I reflected that it blocks wisdom, it’s on the side of distress, and it doesn’t lead to extinguishment, it went away. So I gave up, got rid of, and eliminated any sensual thoughts that arose.

Then, as I meditated—diligent, keen, and resolute—a malicious thought arose … a cruel thought arose. I understood: ‘This cruel thought has arisen in me. It leads to hurting myself, hurting others, and hurting both. It blocks wisdom, it’s on the side of distress, and it doesn’t lead to extinguishment.’ When I reflected that it leads to hurting myself … hurting others … hurting both, it went away. When I reflected that it blocks wisdom, it’s on the side of distress, and it doesn’t lead to extinguishment, it went away. So I gave up, got rid of, and eliminated any cruel thoughts that arose.

Whatever a mendicant frequently thinks about and considers becomes their heart’s inclination. If they often think about and consider sensual thoughts, they’ve given up the thought of renunciation to cultivate sensual thought. Their mind inclines to sensual thoughts. If they often think about and consider malicious thoughts … their mind inclines to malicious thoughts. If they often think about and consider cruel thoughts … their mind inclines to cruel thoughts.

Suppose it’s the last month of the rainy season, in autumn, when the crops grow closely together, and a cowherd must take care of the cattle. He’d tap and poke them with his staff on this side and that to keep them in check. Why is that? For he sees that if they wander into the crops he could be executed, imprisoned, fined, or condemned.

In the same way, I saw that unskillful qualities have the drawbacks of sordidness and corruption, and that skillful qualities have the benefit and cleansing power of renunciation.

Then, as I meditated—diligent, keen, and resolute—a thought of renunciation arose. I understood: ‘This thought of renunciation has arisen in me. It doesn’t lead to hurting myself, hurting others, or hurting both. It nourishes wisdom, it’s on the side of freedom from distress, and it leads to extinguishment.’ If I were to keep on thinking and considering this all night … all day … all night and day, I see no danger that would come from that. Still, thinking and considering for too long would tire my body. And when the body is tired, the mind is stressed. And when the mind is stressed, it’s far from immersion. So I stilled, settled, unified, and immersed my mind internally. Why is that? So that my mind would not be stressed.

Then, as I meditated—diligent, keen, and resolute—a thought of good will arose … a thought of harmlessness arose. I understood: ‘This thought of harmlessness has arisen in me. It doesn’t lead to hurting myself, hurting others, or hurting both. It nourishes wisdom, it’s on the side of freedom from distress, and it leads to extinguishment.’ If I were to keep on thinking and considering this all night … all day … all night and day, I see no danger that would come from that. Still, thinking and considering for too long would tire my body. And when the body is tired, the mind is stressed. And when the mind is stressed, it’s far from immersion. So I stilled, settled, unified, and immersed my mind internally. Why is that? So that my mind would not be stressed.

Whatever a mendicant frequently thinks about and considers becomes their heart’s inclination. If they often think about and consider thoughts of renunciation, they’ve given up sensual thought to cultivate the thought of renunciation. Their mind inclines to thoughts of renunciation. If they often think about and consider thoughts of good will … their mind inclines to thoughts of good will. If they often think about and consider thoughts of harmlessness … their mind inclines to thoughts of harmlessness.

Suppose it’s the last month of summer, when all the crops have been gathered within a village, and a cowherd must take care of the cattle. While at the root of a tree or in the open he need only be mindful that the cattle are there. In the same way I needed only to be mindful that those things were there.

 

[CosmicRiver]

The Dhamma teacher I got this from likes to make the following humorous simile: when seeing unwholesome thoughts, it's like seeing dog poop on the street. Seeing it is the prerequisite to not stepping on it. But if you then start staring at it, smelling it, touching it, it's even worse than stepping on it. The point of seeing it is to avoid stepping on it, and keep walking.

Yes that's on point!

Yes, he says it's not emphasized as much because traditionally monks have been teaching Dhamma in societies that were much less neurotic and anxious (they had their own ways of getting into dhukka, of course). So we sit down to "observe our thoughts" and end up dwelling in them and having aversion and unwholesome thoughts. According to him, the point is not to passively observe, but to 1) observe that there is dhukka, 2) make a positive change , 3) go back to your anchor. Training is an active process.

I can imagine that they're used to a different audience. And imho it doesn't help that in the west meditation has often be stripped of its traditional / religious roots and became just open monitoring meditation. But the distinction between wholesome and unwholsome thoughts that you pointed out is very important in practice. And then there's the issue on how to deal with uncomfortable thoughts that may arise.
At the retreat a monk was asked "How can i sit with painful thoughts and feelings without feeling worse?", and the monk answered "Your mindfulness is like a light that shines onto your painful thoughts and feelings and transforms them". And i thought i got what she meant, but actually i didn't, and maybe most of the crowd. But when the mind is gladdened through samatha the thing the monk said literally happens. It was really eye-opening.

Thank you for bringing this up. I have been practicing less lately, and it's a moment where I actually would benefit more from it. So this is my reminder to get to it

About this, I'll leave here a very pertinent section of MN19. It's a little bit long, but I think very relevant. Particularly this quote "Whatever a mendicant frequently thinks about and considers becomes their heart’s inclination".