Thinking of returning, after 15 years or so. Never broke through

[smoalkiest]

29 year old male, did DMT when I was a teen a couple times and once as a young man was scared off both times.

I used to do psychedelics alot as a teen had a lot of scary experiences where I couldn't relax and faught the feeling of death nearly every time. Ketamine is my one true love however. OBE on ketamine doesn't scare me, it's more the physical sensations that overwhelm me with psychedelics.

I have been studying spirituality and drugs and neuropharmacology and ethnobotany and mckenna since I was 12 years old.

A scientist and psychonaut/shaman at heart, but in practice I've always been inclined towards cowardice and giving up during difficult tasks.

More a deficiency in how I was raised or how I allowed myself to grow up, but nonetheless. It seems like DMT and psychedelics aren't for me but I did DMt before as a teen and understood the true power of the substance as being the closest thing to magic on this earth.

I have always obsessed over the entities and quite frankly feel like I need help becoming a better person. So I'm considering going back to try DMT again the right way this time and make sure I get a breakthrough dose and let the cards land where they may.

I'm just hoping I can come out a changed person, I'm absolutely terrified but I think about it all the time for the last like 10-20 years

I'm not working right now and had to move in with Grandma so my life isn't in a "stable" or "happy" place

But this depression and hopelessness won't budge. Only thing that keeps the demons at bay is weed and masturbation and videogames. Ruined all my friendships and relationships as a teen.

I'm a bad person and feel like I deserve to go to hell anyway, but I'm hoping maybe DMT can help me see the light. Or if anything maybe dark entities will punish me for my selfishness I have no clue. I can't go in with expectations, only thing I have is fear that I'm gonna be so damn scared

 

[TheGreenPhantom]

I've been there man... I feel for you. When I was in my late 20s, I had a very tough time finding gainful employment. But like you, my grandma was there to help... I didn't live with her, but she helped me out financially. Cherish that, man. Your grandma loves you. I still have dreams about mine, calling me on the phone to give me life advice; she's been dead for almost seven years now....

Honestly, I find the herb to be more intellectually and emotionally engaging – especially with edibles – but everyone's wired different. Spice will definitely teach you to let go of your ego....

Follow your interests. Don't dispair. You have time, and that's ultimately more valuable than $. Use it to figure out how you'd like to "write" the rest of the story of your life....

 

[Voidmatrix]

Ketamine is my one true love however. OBE on ketamine doesn't scare me, it's more the physical sensations that overwhelm me with psychedelics.

That's what makes ketamine nice. It takes the anxiety and unsavory feelings away for a while.

I've always been inclined towards cowardice and giving up during difficult tasks.

It may help you to give yourself grace and a seat of compassion within to bear in mind that taking psychedelics isn't necessarily easy for everyone. It's okay to find it hard. Challenge yourself on your feelings of cowardice.

So I'm considering going back to try DMT again the right way this time and make sure I get a breakthrough dose and let the cards land where they may.

There are many right ways my friend. find the wayS that work best for you. Employ the right ones at the right time. Be curious and explore. You may find you get more benefit from low-dosing than breaking-through, you never know.

But this depression and hopelessness won't budge. Only thing that keeps the demons at bay is weed and masturbation and videogames. Ruined all my friendships and relationships as a teen.

I'd recommend considering there's "dross" or "stuckness" in your body and it is reflected by the depression and a reflection of whatever the source is. Somatic awareness meditations and practices may be helpful to you. The Body Keeps the Score is a book you may find useful and insightful.

I'm a bad person and feel like I deserve to go to hell anyway, but I'm hoping maybe DMT can help me see the light. Or if anything maybe dark entities will punish me for my selfishness I have no clue. I can't go in with expectations, only thing I have is fear that I'm gonna be so damn scared

You're not beyond redemption. You're human. Change is constant. You can guide your own personal change. But you have to start with acceptance and compassion first.

One love

 

[TransistorBass]

Assuming you aren't taking any prescription medications that would interfere taking Harmalas (An MAO Inhibitor, which extends the DMT state and adds its own flavour). I feel there is loads to healing and lots to learn from low dose DMT on top of a dose of Harmalas. Sublingual Harmalas about 30-60mins before Small repeated hits of vaped DMT puts me in a truly lovely head-space which definitely allows my emotions to come to the surface. I keep describing it to friends like a Therapy Session, but I've never had a therapy session, it makes everything feel beneficial and gives you pointers on what needs working on.

I already feel more philosophical after approx 8 months of experimentation, and there's still masses of learning to do, if I had the time I'd try have a Harmalas+DMT session once a week, its like brain-training and an aid to or teacher of meditation if you let it.