In less than 24 hours, a 24 gage needle will be in my arm, prepared for streams of DMT fumurate into my veins, saturating my body and system from the inside.
I am part of this team, so while I am the one journeying, it's work too. I've been reminded several times that this is also an act of service on my part.
I am nervous, understandably. One of the most powerful psychedelics is going to flow directly into my bloodstream and it's a novel experience. Elements that make most under the human condition nervous. It's about what we make that nervousness mean. It does not mean that something bad will happen, or that this can't be done or handled. It's a system activation because this is a big deal, and that's it, simple as that. I do feel and trust (that's one of my foci) in the medicine, my guide/boss, and the medical team to take good care of me and my needs. I am in good hands.
I tend to talk about particulars, so the question is, how do I really feel about all this? What is felt in my body as I prepare for this journey? What are my intentions and goals for this experience, if any?
Well, I am in a little bit of shock and this seems to good to be true. The day for my turn in this beautiful and truly special and sacred experience is upon me... and I am struggling with accepting and receiving it. A similar felt structure of state to my resistance towards going deeper on my own. That is something that we will be exploring during this journey. Alongside that intention, I will be focused on deepening my relationship with the medicine and space, prepared for any necessary corrections to my understanding of such. Focusing and turning energy toward the East and the South, I'd like to experience some joy, bliss, and play in this space, things I rarely get and allow for myself. Fortunately, everyone holding space for me are all pretty cool chill cats. I need less rigidity in my being. And finally, explorations on formulations of self, sovereignty, my power, and how I balance that with service. I am also looking forward to the pain relief that I know this can bring.
Maybe it hasn't hit me yet, but I am not feeling as much trepidation and anxiety as I anticipated. I wonder if it may be because of what I've heard about this experience. One retains more agency, the increase in intensity is more manageable, and I am very familiar with the space despite my self-doubt.
There's not a lot of pressure around this experience. We've put a whole day aside for it. My boss is also someone who likes to take things slow. So we're going to take it easy and step in. There's no expectation to go deep, or stay deep, and I have the freedom to pendulate back and forth. We're curious how this experience is going to go with me specifically because of my long history with DMT. How will my specific individual sensitive system respond to the first bolus? How much will take me how far? How easy will it be for me to stabilize?
Out of concern for safety and integration, my max journey time is two hours. I may be able to try for three in the future, and if that happens, we will likely play around with some harmalas as well.
Listening to the playlist of songs that I hope to have played during my experience, with my dog being a goober eating her tags on her collar, I reflect: I feel ready. There's nothing to do, but witness, allow, surrender, and fall in. I can use this experience to help reframe and reshape my associations and connotations to this medicine. Like, not worrying about it punishing me. I don't need to be punished for anything. The concern is a vestige of survival, and I don't need it anymore. I have agency and sovereignty and I can use that in the space and in my life.
I plan to spend the remainder of the evening relaxing, bouncing between watching stuff that isn't very serious to meditating and praying and packing up what I feel I'll need for tomorrow (resources, altar items, etc). Oh, and I need to do laundry.
It may take some time for the actual report. Aside from still needing to be a leader and provider, it may take some time to land. I won't be smoalking any DMT or changa for at least a month. For proprietary reasons, I also cannot share certain specifics like specific dosages and certain details of the protocol.
I am psychedelic. I am built for this. I am graced to be able to have this experience and opportunity. I am as confident as I am humble about this in the moment. Allowing my enigmaticism to align with the alien nature of the space.
Thank you to everyone for the love, support, and best wishes as I prepare to disembark on this transformational ride.
Game on.
One love
I am part of this team, so while I am the one journeying, it's work too. I've been reminded several times that this is also an act of service on my part.
I am nervous, understandably. One of the most powerful psychedelics is going to flow directly into my bloodstream and it's a novel experience. Elements that make most under the human condition nervous. It's about what we make that nervousness mean. It does not mean that something bad will happen, or that this can't be done or handled. It's a system activation because this is a big deal, and that's it, simple as that. I do feel and trust (that's one of my foci) in the medicine, my guide/boss, and the medical team to take good care of me and my needs. I am in good hands.
I tend to talk about particulars, so the question is, how do I really feel about all this? What is felt in my body as I prepare for this journey? What are my intentions and goals for this experience, if any?
Well, I am in a little bit of shock and this seems to good to be true. The day for my turn in this beautiful and truly special and sacred experience is upon me... and I am struggling with accepting and receiving it. A similar felt structure of state to my resistance towards going deeper on my own. That is something that we will be exploring during this journey. Alongside that intention, I will be focused on deepening my relationship with the medicine and space, prepared for any necessary corrections to my understanding of such. Focusing and turning energy toward the East and the South, I'd like to experience some joy, bliss, and play in this space, things I rarely get and allow for myself. Fortunately, everyone holding space for me are all pretty cool chill cats. I need less rigidity in my being. And finally, explorations on formulations of self, sovereignty, my power, and how I balance that with service. I am also looking forward to the pain relief that I know this can bring.
Maybe it hasn't hit me yet, but I am not feeling as much trepidation and anxiety as I anticipated. I wonder if it may be because of what I've heard about this experience. One retains more agency, the increase in intensity is more manageable, and I am very familiar with the space despite my self-doubt.
There's not a lot of pressure around this experience. We've put a whole day aside for it. My boss is also someone who likes to take things slow. So we're going to take it easy and step in. There's no expectation to go deep, or stay deep, and I have the freedom to pendulate back and forth. We're curious how this experience is going to go with me specifically because of my long history with DMT. How will my specific individual sensitive system respond to the first bolus? How much will take me how far? How easy will it be for me to stabilize?
Out of concern for safety and integration, my max journey time is two hours. I may be able to try for three in the future, and if that happens, we will likely play around with some harmalas as well.
Listening to the playlist of songs that I hope to have played during my experience, with my dog being a goober eating her tags on her collar, I reflect: I feel ready. There's nothing to do, but witness, allow, surrender, and fall in. I can use this experience to help reframe and reshape my associations and connotations to this medicine. Like, not worrying about it punishing me. I don't need to be punished for anything. The concern is a vestige of survival, and I don't need it anymore. I have agency and sovereignty and I can use that in the space and in my life.
I plan to spend the remainder of the evening relaxing, bouncing between watching stuff that isn't very serious to meditating and praying and packing up what I feel I'll need for tomorrow (resources, altar items, etc). Oh, and I need to do laundry.
It may take some time for the actual report. Aside from still needing to be a leader and provider, it may take some time to land. I won't be smoalking any DMT or changa for at least a month. For proprietary reasons, I also cannot share certain specifics like specific dosages and certain details of the protocol.
I am psychedelic. I am built for this. I am graced to be able to have this experience and opportunity. I am as confident as I am humble about this in the moment. Allowing my enigmaticism to align with the alien nature of the space.
Thank you to everyone for the love, support, and best wishes as I prepare to disembark on this transformational ride.
Game on.
One love
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