Void's Journey Into Silence

[Voidmatrix]

I am not tip-toeing around you, but maybe some intent to give support lingers in the back of my head.

I gotcha, that was my knee-jerk then, because I'm used to people thinking they need to, misinterpreting my prose.

Subsequently, it's probably because of the philosophical way in which I can speak that this misinterpretation presents itself. Not saying that you respond in this way because we have already established the opposite as the case. And I thank you for setting me straight and the clarity.

Your reply sounded kind of philosophical, and I tried to match the style. I failed tremendously, and that is a good thing - something to learn for the future

I'm learning that said style can make me hard to talk to...

Oh, I am fine, but maybe a bit fried in the head. We can blame it on a lack of sun, rain, coffee, or maybe my character.

I am confident it late where you are. All love here brother.



One love

 

[northape]

Last good thought of today:
I am hitchhiking a ride into silence together with you

/off to rest

 

[Voidmatrix]

I feel I am back on the horse... the silent horse.

I have spent all day without any purposeful stimulation, only ambient stimulation. And it feels good to be back to this, and deep in this practice. There is so much value, but it is hard to pin down, at least now with my burnout brain and my achy and sour heart. A lot of the intensity I was experiencing before has died down, surprisingly, and we're back to the normal basics of what I am used to with regards to the light-speed thoughts and thinking that roils around internally.

It's finding peace in the storm, through resilience and transmutation.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

In my reflections, especially today, I realize something.

The medicine tried to warn me. Tried to tell me. Tried to convince me.

I can't tell you the number of times an experience was difficult because I would find myself in thought loops and ruminations over some situation occurring within my now defunct and non-existent relationship. I ended up thinking about this because I feel like I am kind of taking a break except for meditative tokes of changa as I reel, process, understand and begin this healing process on fertile ground.

The medicine tried to warn me. Tried to tell me. Tried to convince me.

I'll be a little better about listening...

One love

PS. Even late Isis, my dog, tried to warn me... she hated her

 

[northape]

The medicine tried to warn me. Tried to tell me. Tried to convince me.

Oh, do not start me about ignoring medicine hints... We humans know best about everything, especially about what we have no idea about.

PS. Even late Isis, my dog, tried to warn me... she hated her

That is actually the biggest hint. Animals have no agendas and seldom lie. A dog is as honest as one could be.

 

[Voidmatrix]

We humans know best about everything,

For me, it ain't even that. I was only trying to do what I thought was right, but that was also mistaking different heart signals.

One love

 

[northape]

For me, it ain't even that. I was only trying to do what I thought was right, but that was also mistaking different heart signals.

One love

I had one very bad, dysfunctional friendship, where I knew that something was wrong but still hid it from myself. Constant gaslighting from the other party was very unhelpful, too. In fact, a horrific mimosa experience helped me to break the chain. I was angry as hell back then, especially at myself and my apparent blindness.

 

[Voidmatrix]

In order to move closer to self, to realize, I have been carrying around and filling in a small black journal. It's a one-stop shop to help me regularly revisit myself. It's something to aid in self-esteem and confidence, as well as learning to love myself.

Here are a couple entries:

"If it is to be it is up to me, be my own dominant other. Do your DMT. Do your harmalas. Do your changa. At your leisure, at your whim. Find your visual dose. Be brave enough to find what's right for you, find your breakthrough dose. You have an advanced practice and elite skill, you just need to see and realize it. 10mg is easy. You can always handle 15mg. Now prove it. Receive the medicine as it receives me, cutting these binds that inhibit me. And as I explore in this way, allow it to be easy. There's no need to acknowledge only the potential hard. A lot of them have been easy. And remember, you're an intense enigmatic person, you're psychedelic, and these traits lend themselves to my intense and deep and powerful practice."

"
I've spent a large portion of my life preparing, getting myself ready for the attempt, being equipped for what's next... as such, I make no progress.

In considering the reflections I receive, I have been ready and equipped for some time."

Another reflection: One goal of my life has been not to be like my father, but in considering the last quoted note above, I have become like him by way of my current aversion to risk. This conclusion is drawn from reflecting on his psychedelic career; one time with mushrooms that didn't go so well, leaving him at "enlightenment is not for me." I wonder how much of my own issues in getting in the space are related to such a position he has, not just the trauma he caused.

And since I have anxiety sharing, likely because he required me to practice not talking, I shared this with you to spite him.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

I say the following more to convince myself than to toot my own horn.

Despite me not going as deep as I want or feel i ought to, there's some badassness for simply keeping up with it. Terrified at any dose, likely unreasonably so, yet coming back again and again and again.

I'm learning I have to radically name these things in order to break the cycle.

One love

 

[northape]

Sadhana is a Sanskrit term for a dedicated spiritual practice or discipline, common in Indian religions (Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism), involving consistent, disciplined self-effort like meditation, yoga, chanting, or prayer to achieve a specific spiritual goal, self-realization, or higher consciousness, essentially meaning "means of accomplishment" or a path to inner growth.

 

[blig-blug]

Apologies if this isn't fully related. My parents came today to stay here for some days. My dad seems to have gone back to certain behavior patterns, at least towards me. I want to teach myself that I don't need to stay in situations that aren't good for me. I'm leaving to sleep in the forest, in a hammock. It will be an interesting experience and it's time that I teach myself that I CAN get out of situations I don't want to be in, even if there's a price to pay (discomfort and cold in this case).
All the best Void. I think we can unlearn old patterns and become better and better human beings.

 

[northape]

Apologies if this isn't fully related. My parents came today to stay here for some days. My dad seems to have gone back to certain behavior patterns, at least towards me. I want to teach myself that I don't need to stay in situations that aren't good for me. I'm leaving to sleep in the forest, in a hammock. It will be an interesting experience and it's time that I teach myself that I CAN get out of situations I don't want to be in, even if there's a price to pay (discomfort and cold in this case).
All the best Void. I think we can unlearn old patterns and become better and better human beings.

Take care and keep yourself warm in the cold. We certainly can change our life and reactions. Just having such an intention will bring it.
Just don't forget that it's not about you; people are going through their journeys and karma. You are your own savior.

om mani padme hung hri

 

[Voidmatrix]

View attachment 106846

And apparently I need the same naming to happen externally to me as well smh. Like, I can't bring myself to say that I have a dedicated disciplined practice... maybe because I know it could be more dedicated, and more disciplined...

All that is to say, thank you, and you're right.

Apologies if this isn't fully related. My parents came today to stay here for some days. My dad seems to have gone back to certain behavior patterns, at least towards me. I want to teach myself that I don't need to stay in situations that aren't good for me. I'm leaving to sleep in the forest, in a hammock. It will be an interesting experience and it's time that I teach myself that I CAN get out of situations I don't want to be in, even if there's a price to pay (discomfort and cold in this case).
All the best Void. I think we can unlearn old patterns and become better and better human beings.

Whatchu 'poligizin' for? I'm glad that you named this, because I also don't need to stay in situations that aren't good for me, and sometimes though situations to change or shift are within.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

I think I've solved a mystery. The mystery why I am disinterested in general with most things. Yes, some of it is depression. Yes, some of it is being overwhelmed and sensorily inundated.

I've been at this point for several years where I can't help but find a lot happening in the world to be vapid, bereft, empty, and uninteresting.

This is an indicator above all else. To turn inward. To find what interests me within me. I cue to engage and produce... and it's not arrogance, it's filling a long empty need.

Let's see where it goes.

One love

 

[universecannon]

I've been at this point for several years where I can't help but find a lot happening in the world to be vapid, bereft, empty, and uninteresting.

You're not alone there! Finding our culture increasingly insane and uninteresting seems to be a common challenge or side effect of going deeper into the mind

 

[Voidmatrix]

I want to start my days in a new way given one of my last posts and my indifference and dissatisfaction and disinterest in many of the things part and parcel in this world (and again, something that started this adherence to silence).

I had said that I need to start working on my own stuff more. I won't be surprised if done to a sufficient degree I may be able to take more interest in other things.

So, I am being weird (it's probably not weird) and instead of reading a book or doing as much sudoku in the morning, reading recent posts of mine and journal entries, but more importantly, read the progress I've made on my Paradox treatise. I want that deeply ingrained anyway.

One love

 

[blig-blug]

reading recent posts of mine and journal entries

That can be very helpful, I'm often surprised when reading old posts of mine. Particularly when I don't realize at first the post is mine

 

[northape]

I want to start my days in a new way given one of my last posts and my indifference and dissatisfaction and disinterest in many of the things part and parcel in this world (and again, something that started this adherence to silence).

I had a long-forgotten dream about nuking this whole place yesterday. It had been a while since the last time. Today my anger is over the top, and it feels like a continuation of yesterday's dream. I was walking through the forest the other day and saw lots of trash. I'm living in the middle of nowhere, but that dumb mentality that pollutes everything can be found even here.

That can be very helpful, I'm often surprised when reading old posts of mine. Particularly when I don't realize at first the post is mine

I often reread my posts many times and sometimes revisit old ones. It's interesting to see how my character develops over time.

 

[Voidmatrix]

It's an activity of tremendous value that I have neglected to do since time immemorial. I have many journals, but never reread them, effectively not reinforcing change in a way that is seen by me over time. It just feels wrong, but that's a trauma response.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

We're going to try an experiment, and it's not cheating, since I tend to assume such, for myself at least.

I wanna flood my system regularly with CBD to help with anxiety stemming from C-PTSD and depression and from having a highly sensitive nervous system. What if I just allow myself a calmer system instead of trying to suck it up all the time.

I already take it, but sparingly, as it's almost a reflex to deprive myself.

I want to see if this helps out in approaching the space.

One love