• Members of the previous forum can retrieve their temporary password here, (login and check your PM).

Void's Journey Into Silence

northape said:
I am not tip-toeing around you, but maybe some intent to give support lingers in the back of my head.
Click to expand...
I gotcha, that was my knee-jerk then, because I'm used to people thinking they need to, misinterpreting my prose.

Subsequently, it's probably because of the philosophical way in which I can speak that this misinterpretation presents itself. Not saying that you respond in this way because we have already established the opposite as the case. And I thank you for setting me straight and the clarity.

northape said:
Your reply sounded kind of philosophical, and I tried to match the style. I failed tremendously, and that is a good thing - something to learn for the future
Click to expand...
I'm learning that said style can make me hard to talk to... 🤣🤣

northape said:
Oh, I am fine, but maybe a bit fried in the head. We can blame it on a lack of sun, rain, coffee, or maybe my character.
Click to expand...
I am confident it late where you are. All love here brother.

🫂❤️

One love
 
I feel I am back on the horse... the silent horse.

I have spent all day without any purposeful stimulation, only ambient stimulation. And it feels good to be back to this, and deep in this practice. There is so much value, but it is hard to pin down, at least now with my burnout brain and my achy and sour heart. A lot of the intensity I was experiencing before has died down, surprisingly, and we're back to the normal basics of what I am used to with regards to the light-speed thoughts and thinking that roils around internally.

It's finding peace in the storm, through resilience and transmutation.

One love
 
In my reflections, especially today, I realize something.

The medicine tried to warn me. Tried to tell me. Tried to convince me.

I can't tell you the number of times an experience was difficult because I would find myself in thought loops and ruminations over some situation occurring within my now defunct and non-existent relationship. I ended up thinking about this because I feel like I am kind of taking a break except for meditative tokes of changa as I reel, process, understand and begin this healing process on fertile ground.

The medicine tried to warn me. Tried to tell me. Tried to convince me.

I'll be a little better about listening... :ROFLMAO:

One love

PS. Even late Isis, my dog, tried to warn me... she hated her :LOL:
 
Voidmatrix said:
The medicine tried to warn me. Tried to tell me. Tried to convince me.
Click to expand...
Oh, do not start me about ignoring medicine hints... We humans know best about everything, especially about what we have no idea about.
Voidmatrix said:
PS. Even late Isis, my dog, tried to warn me... she hated her :LOL:
Click to expand...
That is actually the biggest hint. Animals have no agendas and seldom lie. A dog is as honest as one could be.
 
Voidmatrix said:
For me, it ain't even that. I was only trying to do what I thought was right, but that was also mistaking different heart signals.

One love
Click to expand...
I had one very bad, dysfunctional friendship, where I knew that something was wrong but still hid it from myself. Constant gaslighting from the other party was very unhelpful, too. In fact, a horrific mimosa experience helped me to break the chain. I was angry as hell back then, especially at myself and my apparent blindness.
 
In order to move closer to self, to realize, I have been carrying around and filling in a small black journal. It's a one-stop shop to help me regularly revisit myself. It's something to aid in self-esteem and confidence, as well as learning to love myself.

Here are a couple entries:

"If it is to be it is up to me, be my own dominant other. Do your DMT. Do your harmalas. Do your changa. At your leisure, at your whim. Find your visual dose. Be brave enough to find what's right for you, find your breakthrough dose. You have an advanced practice and elite skill, you just need to see and realize it. 10mg is easy. You can always handle 15mg. Now prove it. Receive the medicine as it receives me, cutting these binds that inhibit me. And as I explore in this way, allow it to be easy. There's no need to acknowledge only the potential hard. A lot of them have been easy. And remember, you're an intense enigmatic person, you're psychedelic, and these traits lend themselves to my intense and deep and powerful practice."

"
I've spent a large portion of my life preparing, getting myself ready for the attempt, being equipped for what's next... as such, I make no progress.

In considering the reflections I receive, I have been ready and equipped for some time."

Another reflection: One goal of my life has been not to be like my father, but in considering the last quoted note above, I have become like him by way of my current aversion to risk. This conclusion is drawn from reflecting on his psychedelic career; one time with mushrooms that didn't go so well, leaving him at "enlightenment is not for me." I wonder how much of my own issues in getting in the space are related to such a position he has, not just the trauma he caused.

And since I have anxiety sharing, likely because he required me to practice not talking, I shared this with you to spite him.

One love
 
Back
Top Bottom