Void's Journey Into Silence

[northape]

How is your CBD experiment going?

I feel that winter is a natural time to turn inwards and enjoy silence. It comes so organically without much work. It is the first winter when I feel no depression at all, just some general distress due to a lack of light. Somehow, the holiday mood is absent too. That is a development for sure, but I am not sure yet where it leads. I will try to enjoy this time of year and listen to its lessons. Strangely, we have no snow, and temperatures have never gone below freezing. Maybe nature wishes to tell me something

 

[Voidmatrix]

Winter is typically a time of year I feel good and do well. It's Spring and Summer than really rock me and I am severely overstimulated to the point I pretend it's nighttime around 1600 sometimes by pulling my blackout curtains and not leaving my room.

I feel like CBD doesn't really remedy anxiety, which is fine, but makes the expression of said anxiety less pronounced and thus makes things more manageable on the whole. I'm just going to keep taking it. Really, I'm trying to do what I need to do without consideration and instead with my sovereignty, no matter how wild it may seem to others.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Heads up, there will be some AI shared.

The caldron, boiling over, an impetus, a spark, a drive.

This small journal is the Central Void, and my goal is to orbit around it. Using this book as something to come back to and revisit. It is meant to be all inclusive to what I feel I'd like to keep in mind and things that will help me move forward. Some of the most recent entries have been the most interesting in years, as I feel I am pushing many growth edges, changing narratives and perspectives, and making progress in ways in which I often feel I am just spinning my wheels.

I used my paid and personalized ChatGPT account for these entries, using it as a sounding board that is similar to me but without emotion (I feel that for projects such as these there needs to be a lot of tailoring and customization along with literacy and a willingness to push back on the LLM and not be assuaged by positive feedback from it).

One of the things that was addressed and named in a way that I feel I can work with was my internal "tribunal," and it's method of internal "compliance monitoring." The AI and I then effectively put said tribunal on trial, challenging its authority.

Attached below are axioms for my "left-hand" path and my "sovereignty protocol."

It was interesting, after some back and forth, ChatGPT was able to succinctly identify that I am not afraid of psychedelic spaces, but that there are parts of me that experienced trauma related to intensity, with worries of "abandonment and erasure," as well as negative lessons learned from autonomy and choice in childhood that affect my progress. So, now there is a protocol around this. Going deeper isn't the goal of this protocol, but to be comfortable with my own desires, evaluation of grasping them, and how to check in with myself around my own coherence.

After the trial, I asked ChatGPT to generate some images to symbolize it. Enjoy.

 

[northape]

I won't pretend to understand it or give some super intelligent insight; rather, I want to acknowledge the work done so far.
You seem to have gone deep into your psyche to uncover how it functions and how to heal it. I salute you, Brother
It's far from an easy task to work on yourself, and your diligence will certainly bear fruit. Keep up the good work!
Much love

 

[Voidmatrix]

I won't pretend to understand it or give some super intelligent insight; rather, I want to acknowledge the work done so far.
You seem to have gone deep into your psyche to uncover how it functions and how to heal it. I salute you, Brother
It's far from an easy task to work on yourself, and your diligence will certainly bear fruit. Keep up the good work!
Much love

Thank you brother. Sometimes I wonder if I am too on the nose, grinding on myself too much, and in some ways I am, but in other ways, it's the only thing I feel I can do to find some contentment. And it's not like I haven't been working on all of this for a long time, but with how I am using the LLM, I am making the progress I've long longed for.

One love

 

[northape]

Thank you brother. Sometimes I wonder if I am too on the nose, grinding on myself too much, and in some ways I am, but in other ways, it's the only thing I feel I can do to find some contentment. And it's not like I haven't been working on all of this for a long time, but with how I am using the LLM, I am making the progress I've long longed for.

One love

I worked on myself for years without any external support, so I know how difficult it can feel sometimes. It may not be your case, but I would have appreciated it if someone had just acknowledged my battle back in the day. If anything, my so-called friends just tried to put even more shit on me when they saw that I had started to clean mine.

Any tool could be of use, and you are skeptical enough to put AI in its place when needed. I have no idea if you are grinding too much; it is kind of personal. I guess if you feel fine with your process and it does not put too much pressure on you, all is good. I am kind of intuitive that way, so I do use reason, but it is not the primary lens through which I see myself. Still, being educated in the West, we cannot give much validity to anything without some reasonable cause behind it. I like shamanic work with plant medicine, but I honestly do not really understand what I am doing. Most of the time, something is working through me, and I am just a spectator enjoying the show.

 

[Voidmatrix]

It's odd because even with the external help that I do get or have gotten such as in therapy, it still doesn't quite hit. We need the right sounding boards, and if I am as out there as people seem to think I am, then that leaves me with less sounding boards that I will find useful or understood by, if that makes any sense. However, I much prefer if someone honestly names and recognizes a struggle than minimizing and diminishing it, which just makes me feel like I am off, or an immature child or something. Also, hate it when people reduce an individual issue to that of the general populace: "We all have issues and problems." Yeah no shit, that doesn't mean that they all should be treated or viewed the same way. We all have shit, but we certainly aren't all dealing with the same loads.

Any tool could be of use, and you are skeptical enough to put AI in its place when needed. I have no idea if you are grinding too much; it is kind of personal. I guess if you feel fine with your process and it does not put too much pressure on you, all is good.

Thank you. It's a great exercise in gaining trust with myself, because I am pushing back a whole lot on the LLM. I feel fine with my process now... sort of... but this may be the first time.

One love