Hey all. I feel somewhat regretful that I responded with negativity in my own post looking for support. I also want to say that since I posted the OP, I have been very active kin creating a support network. I went to one of my providers while in crisis and was helped by being referred to a crisis triage. WHile there, something happened and I was able to let go of all the expectations and demands I had put upon my own life and was then able to reassess my entire situation.
In my illness I lost everything, and when it happened, I thought that I was doing really good. I had held onto housing for over a year, was working towards a new career path and had gathered some material things and I used all of theses things to measure my life and it's wellness. When I lost all of it-and my health- it was too hard for me to understand. My spirituality turned dark and all I could see it for was a universe causing suffering for no reason other than to make me suffer. I got better physically, but the darkness remained and grew stronger until it threatened to swallow me whole, and erase my being. When I let go of all of my desire and expectation, I began to see it as a precious gift
designed to force me into alignment with my values and goals. It turned me on to my intrinsic self.
Since then, I have been in transitional but stable housing, began working a new job and putting money away to gain my independance, have restarted a little side business and am having some success growing a little side art biz, and have been putting together a support network of providers (mental health, behavioral health, group meetings, acupuncture, chiropractic, yoga and regular doctors and specialists) and getting back in touch with old friends who are good for me to be around.
It is working very well, and I really feel better about my life than I ever have in my adulthood. Finally beginning to truly address the trauma at the core of my inability to connect with life through doing counseling along with the body work- all my providers are trauma-informed pratitioners- is some really hard stuff to do, but I am just beginning to see the nbenefit. For the first time in my life I am starting to feel how "normal" people who are living effective lives feel. I move through emotions rather than getting stuck in them, enacting strategies to avoid them and continuing to live in the places and times from where they emerge. My feelings clue me into who I truly am, and for once I am beginning to gain some fluency and agility.
So, I think I can be supportive as much as I need support. I actually am seeing some success and can possibly help others too. Hope IS truth.
I'm going to be getting off kratom soon. Im' having trouble sticking to a taper, so I'm thinking about flushing (actually that would clog the toilet) everything and going cold turkey. In fact, I feel torn between wanting to take more and more of it and just throwing it all away everyday. I feel like it's worsening my mental state, making me more agitated, prone to paranoia, and miserable than I might normally be, but obviously it somewhat rewarding...or I would just stop (right?).
Spiralout: Kratom is a bitch. I hate the stuff. They sell it in stores under the pretense of it being safe because it is a plant (and I am hearing rumors about some that is sold legally being adulterated with fentanyl, but cant verify the truth of that.) People do get addicted, and it has very similar withdrawal qualities to any other opiate. What are your thoughts on getting through the withdrawal?
Cold-turkeying suboxone can be dangerous-at least psychologically. From what I understand, it should be titrated even slower than methadone because of it's affinity and long half-life. The stuff sticks around, and long, slow tapers seem to be the best route to avoid WD symptoms. This is of course relative to your personal biology and metabolism. Some people can drop methadone doses fairly fast, with high percentages of dose-decreases, but other will complain about withdrawal from dropping 1% of a 100+ mg dose...psychological WD maybe, but still slow and steady seems to win that race.
Please be careful, going back out there is not an option. The dope on the street right now is
all fentanyl, in fact in my city, fentanyl has completely taken over in the form of fake oxy pills. Any heroin is arriving from Mexico already adulterated with it, and unscrupulous- and unqualified- local dealers are further stepping on it with fent. A dealer told me recently (wasn't buying, just keeping an ear to the street to know what is going on) that soon heroin will be a "boutique" drug, replaced by the much easier to import, far cheaper alternative of a pure synthetic product like fentanyl. It just makes (evil) business sense, and the loss of customers to death is a negligible cost risk because of the skyrocketing addiction rates. The local LEO just busted some number of POUNDS of the pure stuff and hundreds of already pressed pills recently. And you know if they confiscate a pound, there is another hundred somewhere else nearby going out on the street. It is freaking terrifying out there, just watching what the addicts on the street are going through right now from a distance gives me a real sense of urgency in my own journey and desire to help them be safe.
Why do you think you use? For me it was a numbing strategy to avoid feeling feelings emerging from a traumatic past. I was not really cognizant of it until recently, it is such a complex knot of memory and experience to unravel.
I am here and I think my peer perspective gives me a little understanding of what someone suffering in addiction is going through and have some actionable and practical resources for assistance to give if wanted. I also need support and this is the best virtual community for me because most of you share a common philosophy and worldview.
Wish all of you peace, I really do. Today, I will do my best to be and not do. Be good to you.
EDIT:
null24, I know Portland has a psychedelic society. If there's not a local, psychedelic recovery group already, I wonder if you could start something like this in your area..
Indeed there is. At the risk of sounding egoist (like that ever stopped me), I was part of the original 5-person group that began the thing like 6 or 7 years ago, and even came up with the name I love- PEERS: Portland Entheogenic Exploration and Research Society, lol-wish they still used it I think it is far more creative than PPS. I think the original founder would not let them or something. There was a lot of personality politics that threatened to destroy the whole thing, then it was taken over by folks that wanted to derive some profit from it.
Then it turned into a 501(c)3, and they are doing some decent stuff, like Veteran-only meetings, community meet ups in parks and whatnot. They are mostly through their FB group now and with the number of members-over 2000 I think- it gets pretty immature and just dumb sometimes. I am thinking about presenting the idea of a recovery based group with them though if I could do it in-person with maybe zoom capability but I like face to face, I am pretty sure they would be receptive and there is a need.
There have been a couple splinters, like
Psanctum Pychedelia put together by Tom Hatsis and his partner Eden which is doing some really cool stuff, like a monthly open-mic (which I keep spacing off going to) and hosting speakers who may not otherwise be platformed who represent non-dominant genders and cultures rather than the typical CIS white guys. But yeah, you should join them all, I am in the SF group, a couple in Europe, one in Atlanta (my hometown) and a couple others. I think there is one on Ohio, which I find equally funny and cool.
)to tag along. Communication can be key when healing and growing.
plant psychedelics and am so grateful for having them in my life as tools for empowerment, teachers, God of my understanding etc. I will be eternally grateful for the Nexus for my tutelage in the use of these compounds. Thank you from the bottom of my heart it has made a world of difference.
