Why do we seek approval?

[christian]

i call it hedonism.

That's a good answer, Benzyme. Although i think a better word might be 'misguided', for if they knew better they would not need to seek it. :d

 

[benzyme]

then enlighten us...what would be the proper "guided" way to live life, in a "non-ignorant" way? and what exactly is "knowing better"? according to who?

to function on a social level, you need to have some form of approval in the structured heirarchy anyway; otherwise, you won't have a role in said structure for long.

approval is analogous to positive-reinforcement, employees and students like to be told they're doing a good job. is this ignorant or misguided? how so?
did you never seek approval from your parents?

 

[christian]

Yes, Benzyme, it is ignorance. If only they were permitted the opportunity to realise their inner beauty, then they would realise that any external action, job, feat, what have you ...is but a laughable farce! :thumb_up:

Man may believe that he has the power to create amazing things and be worthy, but where do these ideas come from??

And is his work as good as his ideas, or somewhat lacking...but sort of do, because they are new and therefore a novelty to society??

Seeking approval means setting limits simply to appease others, rather than face their evil actions because of their jealousy. Not seeking approval means breaking new ground. Seeking approval certainly belongs to those that are Catholics! :lol:

 

[benzyme]

hmm, one could argue that catholics operate on a belief system based on pity, not approval-seeking; and religious people in general are followers of respective belief systems based on superstition. that, in itself, is real ignorance.

in everyday waking consciousness, just about everything is a farce; perfection, an illusion. subjective observance.

 

[flouro]

Out of interest, what are the things you do every day to fit in?

Man, I stand way out.

Trying to do the hermit thing a bit less...but generally I'll do what I can to be helpful and supportive of others. Again, it's good to give validation, rather than always seeking it. The goal is to be liked without concealing my true nature. I also smile a lot and try and seem non-threatening. You can be an accepted member of a tribe without conforming--freaks can "fit in" too.

Can you give examples of situations?

 

[Doodazzle]

I like to encourage people. When they try something new. Especially when they do something artistic, or do things to improve themselves or their lives or their community....just listen to what's cool to them and encourage the stuff that seems healthy.

IDK, anyone have any better suggestion? I'm just trying to figure out how to be a good human being. My name is Earl. (that's a tv reference, nevermind)

 

[christian]

Do you think it's possible to be a "better" human being?..What exactly does "better" mean??..Does it mean becoming a "winner", or does it mean becoming a monk?

 

[ChaoticMethod]

Do you think it's possible to be a "better" human being?..What exactly does "better" mean??..Does it mean becoming a "winner", or does it mean becoming a monk?

Maybe it means perfecting yourself. You seem to think that acting upon your own life is a waste of time... I do not agree.

Sure we are beautiful beings full of potential. But if you do not learn to structure your potential and externalize it then it is left dormant.

If you take the artistically inclined person, for example... Without proper training, determination, discipline, intention and action, he will never be able to do something with his passion. Unless he works on his craft and himself, his creative potential will not take form and touch other beings.

It seems a bit absurd to me that the only possible options could be to conform to the mainstream like a mindless sheep or "live like a monk". Both seems to me like very passive ways of living.

I don't see what's wrong with seeking approval. It would be naive and presumptuous for someone to think that he has perfected the game of life. It seems to me that it is more than natural to look for people who have already walked the path and seek their approval, if only in order to get tips, encouragement and alternative points of view. Seeking approval mostly become dangerous when it becomes a priority...

 

[christian]

Maybe it means perfecting yourself. You seem to think that acting upon your own life is a waste of time... I do not agree.

Chaotic, what i'm trying to say is that once we know our inner divinity, there is no need to seek approval. If one wants to be creative, that is good, as long as it is for a good purpose that serves us and is kind to nature. We can acquire useful knowledge and grow, but if it is damaging to our world then it isn't really true growth but damage in disguise.

The world is alive but we are closed to this. We need to awaken, and realise the beauty in a simple quiet life. If we can't be happy with the truth, then i guess we are doomed to seek it out in vain, but guess we'll never find it again untill most of us pass on.

We need to seek approval with our family and friends for genuine reasons, and not like todays "ass licking teachers pet" type. If it's genuine and honest then it's worthwhile, otherwise it's based on nonsense.

 

[benzyme]

We need to seek approval with our family and friends for genuine reasons, and not like todays "ass licking teachers pet" type. If it's genuine and honest then it's worthwhile, otherwise it's based on nonsense.

now you're just talking context, semantics. "genuine" is up to the individual's determination of what's considered "genuine".

both cases of seeking approval are derived from the same place, and that's the nucleus accumbens, the biological source of happiness. you can sugar coat self-righteousness with words like "divinity", but this can also be construed as "ignorance". it's all about context.

 

[christian]

 

[lyserge]

Hermits, I don't think, are "above" feeling good when they are respected/approved, or feeling bad when they're rejected. In Eastern monastic traditions, such as China/India or Southeast Asian countries, the monks or sages are supported by the lay people, who work and stay on the "Wheel of Karma", as they might say, so that the monks can do their thing and keep the society in harmony with the cosmos/"heaven and earth" - or that's how it's supposed to work in theory, anyways. So monks or hermits are as much a part of those societies as farmers, businessmen, etc.

 

[ntwhtyouknw]

Just be yourself, Don't go through life B.S.ing people in order to get there approval. Just be honest, and don't try and be a player. I have had a lot of great opportunities in my life because people felt they could trust me. Not because I was trying to be a people pleaser. But being your self and not BSing does not mean to divulge everything about yourself to everyone. I am not everything to everyone, but I am something very different and unique to everyone in my life, all still facets of myself, I just don't put my entire self out there always because I wouldn't make it very far in life, I.E. to my boss I am a trustworthy, hard working, serious business type of guy. If i constantly tried to be anything else to appeal to him, I doubt he would trust me because he would see right through the B.S. All that aside I think we in the human condition are afraid of who we are, and to tell each other who we are.

“Why am I afraid to tell you who I am? I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it's all that I have...”
― John Powell

Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?
Chapter Five: Human Hiding Places – Methods of Ego Defense
Ego defenses are exactly what they say they are – defense systems for our ego. There is
something going on that we simply cannot face and as a result our ego, usually unconsciously,
adapts some type of defense mechanism to protect us from this moment. Although the goal is to
be conscious of ego defense systems, and to eliminate them when they are interfering with our
growth, one must be careful not to strip oneself, or another, too quickly from one’s ego defenses.
Ego defenses are basically a compensation for something that is out of synchronization in one’s
body of life. Alfred Adler, a famous psychologist, first noticed this type of compensation in the
human biological system, e.g., one kidney taking care of the body when another kidney shut
down, etc. There are many compensations within a human, e.g., athletes who were handicapped
at birth and went on to set new world records, etc., and psychological compensations are also
among those that humans employ.
1. Reaction Formation:
In this defense the ego overcompensates by exaggerating or overdeveloping some trait or
behavior as a way of balancing unconscious tendencies in an opposite or even unacceptable
direction.
Examples;

Why am I afraid to tell you who I am Chapter 5

This is a book that helped me a lot when I was getting clean and sober, and coming to terms with all of my F'ed up issues.


Everyday were I live I deal with bigotry in some form or another. And I have often seen that most of the people who act that way are in fact not, it is just so engrained in our culture to be that way that they feel they have to "fit in" but when it really comes down to it they would give the shirt off of there back to help someone different. Also there are those who are truly hateful towards there counterparts and that in turn makes peoples personalities go into hiding.

You see it everywhere, I have even noticed some dogmatic Ideals toward differences in character types here. And heard very little from some people because they were so open and honest about who they were personally, only to have differences in opinion stretch to the point of saying " your wrong for being that ". And this is a sad thing, it is a defense mechanism of the ego on the part of the attacker who is truly just afraid of who they are..... Thanks for reading my rant...


" You have probably reacted for years as if you were being crucified. This is a marked tendency of the separated, who always refuse to consider what they have done to themselves."
ACIM
" When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you will see yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself."
ACIM
" Whenever you think you know, peace will depart from you, because you have abandoned the Teacher of peace"..
ACIM

 

[christian]

Long story short, we seek approval as a result of biological functions that evolved during a more "primitive"/less technologically advanced stage of our species, and those functions remain with us and govern our behavior in the modern world, like apes in the concrete jungle.

Lyserge, this is certainly a very good point. And i think as the world evolves there is less requirement for people to seek approval like in the past, and more requirement for people to act on their instincts and believe in themselves. Do you agree?

 

[polytrip]

Long story short, we seek approval as a result of biological functions that evolved during a more "primitive"/less technologically advanced stage of our species, and those functions remain with us and govern our behavior in the modern world, like apes in the concrete jungle.

Lyserge, this is certainly a very good point. And i think as the world evolves there is less requirement for people to seek approval like in the past, and more requirement for people to act on their instincts and believe in themselves. Do you agree?

I think that lyserge is right. But that would also mean that seeking approval is an important part of our functioning, and not something that could easily be changed in the course of a few thousand years.

You can say that you don´t like the concept of having to seek approval yourself, but generally people like it when others seek for their approval...there´s 2 sides to this phenomenon.

Humans need to communicate trust or some basic form of trust. Trust is an important pre-condition for a functioning society.

Society´s where people place much trust in others are generally the society´s where humans are the happiest: (denmark, norway, sweden, iceland, etc.). Society´s where trust is very low, are often disfunctional in many ways: (russia, greece, mexico, etc.).

Low-trust society´s become more and more corrupt because everybody anticipates that others will be corrupt anyway...it´s a self-fullfilling prophecy.

Therefore, we need to know that we can trust others and we need to convince others that we can be trusted ourselves. So we need to look for signals and give signals ourselves.

That is just the way any society works.

 

[christian]

Asking myself this question sincerely makes me see the bright side in things because each time I ask it, makes me realize that we don't actually need this approval, we only have to follow our instinct. What our heart tells us

I agree, rjb. Our higher selves are working for us, always. Logic is something else, and requires the "thinking" brain. I don't think this is where our wisdom lies, but i do think our "instinct" knows better.

I always chose instinct over logic, and this sometimes puzzles a LOT of people

I know that feeling. Years ago i went travelling in South America. Let me just say that trusting my gut instincts opened me up to a rich world that thinking would have shut out!

When we seek approval, we do so because we are spiritually immature. Actually, i don't think it's natural for kids, etc, to seek it out. I think that they are taught to seek it out. Children are just as wise as adults, but they need us and know how to get our attention.

So what i would like to say is that the moment you see yourself "seeking approval", ask yourself why you should feel that others know better than you do about yourself. Maybe you are so disconnected from your spiritual essence that you think you are as worthy as your external actions. Is this what's causing you to have such a low self esteem of yourself?

 

[jamie]

I think it is a semi psychotic function of the left brain that seeks approval from others in the ways so often seen in our world today. It is a symptom of hemispherical imbalance.

The fear, hate, anger and judgment issues that surround the seeking of approval are also symtoms of a retarted left hemisphere I think..Acceptance, love, compassion, empathy, joy etc are all aspects of right hemispherical activity and in our world those are outnumbered by the more left brained behaviours.

I think it is normal for social creatures to seek some level of acknowledgement, but that is different from approval. If I comminicate something to you, and you communicate back that is you acknowledging me and my attempt to communicate something. On the other hand, me seeking some sort of approval from others in society in order to feel better about myself on a superficial level is something different entirely, and this is what most approval seeking we see today is about. None of it is based on trust, and none of it is based on empathy, love or compassion. It is based on competition, jealousy, greed and hate. These are all aspects of seperation, something the left brain specializes in. This is why we today put such emphasis on being "rational". Right brain consciousness is about cohesion and context, and something like jealousy and competation does not take place in that state of mind so there is no desire for approval.

 

[brokin]

I really can't comprehend how our society got to this.
Although I don't think there was a time without people seeking approval.
Reserving whole industries for gossip.Basically the industry of approval.
TV channel, magazines, web-sites, mainstream media.
Our brains are totally submerged in social illusions.How is it possible for a human being to feel monotony when there are endless possibilities for him!?!

And it is not even personal, countries have to be accepted into "unions" based on changes that NEED to be taken.
Countries that don't change are violently changed, although there is more into this subject, It is the basic reason of attacks.

I hope it is just a phase which we will soon pass over.Even though we still have wars after all the tragedy it brought us.

Let's hope no one will forcefully,abusively and violently "free us" in the future.

 

[christian]

I really can't comprehend how our society got to this.
Although I don't think there was a time without people seeking approval.

It's easy to get confused with this statement of "seeking approval". After all, as we grow up it's only normal that we seek reassurances that we are doing what's required in order to live a successful and happy life, before stepping into the big wide world. Part of that would include developing a sturdy self esteem and self confidence in your abilities, and essence as a human being.

However, as an adult if you're still doing this then i guess it may look like some working on oneself may be in order. Certainly, it should not be necessary to "seek approval" if you are a confident person who has his life sorted out and is at peace with him/herself.

 

[brokin]

Well yes but what if, as we grow up we seek the approval of someone who is an adult with a faulty view on the world, who himself is in desperate search of approval.

Off course, when you grow up approval is quite a necessary thing especially from parents to develop "the right way".

The real problem, I think is when they seek or "allow" the approval disapproval of unknown people.
Like TV and magazines and even people around you.

I guess in the end approval can be a good thing as long as it is not taken to the extreme.
If it modifies your personality of belief, than it is extreme.