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Would you quit entheogens for your lover?

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MetaXIII

MetaXIII

Rising Star
I'm pretty sure I saw a similar topic a while ago, but I can't seem to find it. So here goes nothing.

So I haven't done any psychedelics in the last two years now. Usually before then I'd take psylocybin mushrooms about two to three times a year. While I don't do psychedelics often, I treat them with the greatest respect and caution they deserve.

Recently my girlfriend of seven months declared to me that if I ever do "drugs" while dating her it will be over between us. While due to my current circumstances I have no desire to do anything until at least next summer, I see this as a dilemma. Despite my rare "appreciation" of psychedelics they are a big part of my life.

I view the time between my trips as preparation and the laying of foundation for more growth. Therefore I know that in the future there will come a point where I'll want to do them again. And this is what is causing me current turmoil. While my girlfriend is aware that I have no desire to do anything till next summer the fact that I might then makes it hard for her to be with me now.

She considers herself a logical person so I tried to explain to her the benefits of psychedelics. I told her about the science, culture, history, tradition, research and anything else that I could think of. I even said that I only do them about two times a year and then not every year, so it's not a drug addiction. That it's not bad for me, rather has been a very positive force in my life. But despite my best efforts it's just a "drug" to her and drugs are bad and everything else is just an excuse to do the "drug".

So now she is arguing whether it's best to end this relationship now because if we have to end it in a year from now it will be much harder for us. She can't let go of the fact that sometime in the future, whether it's in one year or twenty, I will do them. And this is affecting her now. She asked me to promise not to do them ever again, but I can't promise her that.

So at this point I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up with her, nor am I willing to budge on this. At the same time even though she says it's better to break up now, I know she won't break up with me until I take psychedelics again. So on one hand I'm hoping that by the time I do psychedelics again I can change her mind, but on the other I'm absolutely sure that my relationship with her will come to and end at that moment.

The way I see it the worst case scenario is that I don't feel like doing psychedelics for another two to three years and then this all blows up. So this has been giving me a headache lately. Do I spend a year trying to convince someone that psychedelics are not bad despite knowing she won't change her mind?

So what would you do in my place? Would you split up now? Would you spend the next year trying to convince your loved one? Or would you quit psychedelics completely?
 
mmh...

Well, it seems to me that she's the one who has a problem within herself, rather than you having a problem with "drugs" (dirty word that one). That being, those tendencies towards control, blackmailing, intolerance may be something that you won't be able to cope with in the long run...

I tend to think that your twice yearly use of psychedelics surely does'nt deserve such drama, and she just found something to project her own inner distress upon. What else will she find tomorrow, may one ask oneself, if she doesn't first recognize that the real problem is hers inside?

How long have you been together? It may also be good to wait and see if such attitude will repeat itself with other things. And who knows, maybe she's right, we shouldn't be dabbling with psychedelics, and should be content with fresh air and clean water? By the way, does'nt she ever modify her own psyche with alchol, tobacco, coffee, tea? Cos' healthy "drugophobia" includes the legal ones too...

Well, there's my little brainstorming on your case, to be taken with grains of salt as always with such personal matters...
 
My first take on this is let her know that you will not budge on this.

This is a part of you and your life and if she accepts you, she accepts all of you.

If she can't accept this part of your life, then that is her loss.

Once again, going with the tip of my mind, the next thing that comes to mind is Fractal and Minxx.

They are two psychonauts that found each other and truly embrace the growth that psychedelics bring.

If she is unwilling to accept this part of you, you might be better off finding someone who is?

These are just mere ramblings... The bottom line is that it all comes down to you and what you are willing to tolerate.

Personally, I would find it quite insulting for someone to say what I can and cannot do. If she'll leave you over something as petty as exotic molecules, what else would she ditch on you for?
 
You sound like you have a very sane, mature, and practical view of psychedelics in your life, for your personal circumstances. Your gf sounds irrational and controlling.

You should tell her that you love her, respect her...and are sad indeed that she can't be happy with you as you are. And then just drop the subject. If she insists on revisiting it just tell her you've already told her how you feel.

Personally, given that you feel psychedelics are important for your personal growth, I don't see how you would have long term happiness with someone who doesn't seem able to even CONCEIVE that such a thing could be possible.

I'm suspect of relationships where one person says "they love you but" "you have to change." Such relationships have a low probability of success; and your gf seems like she might have a low probability of success in relationships IN ANY CASE.

Life is too short to form relationships with people who want to limit you or control you. You need to find a girl you can GROW with, like you've found CHEMICALS you can grow with.
 
I agree with SWIMfriend, also reminds me how lucky I am to have found my partner. She doesn't take them but never question's me about my use.
 
Sorry to hear about your situation. It's sad when someone you have feelings of love for does not understand and accept you and your spirituality. You have been very intelligent about your point of view. One thing you might want to try is to ask her to do the same with exactly why she feels the way she does. What exactly is she afraid of? Why precisely does she feel so negatively to certain substances? Does she feel the same way about prescription drugs? Cannabis? Alcohol? Caffeine? Sugar? Nicotine? Antidepressants? Pain killers? Muscle relaxers? If not, why does she not feel the same? Also try explaining to her that she was attracted to you because of the person you are and the person you are is the culmination of your experiences. So, without even knowing it, she was attracted to you BECAUSE of your psychedelic experiences in the past and the growth they provided as they are integrated firmly into the person she was attracted to when she first met you. You might also want to explain to her that you take certain chemicals in order to better yourself and evolve spiritually and that you have great respect for them and their potential for spiritual growth. Ask her if she does not want you to better yourself or to evolve spiritually. Tell her that you do not take these chemicals to escape anything, you do not take them to party, you do not take them to stop yourself from feeling sick and you do not take them because you are addicted to them. In the end it is her that will need to change and not you IMHO. If she will not change it will only slow down your personal growth.

Best of luck to you and your situation.
 
I agree to what most have written here.

Personally I would not want to be in a relationship which in any way inhibits personal growth. I understand the need for compromises at times, but in an ideal relationship your personal growth, evolution, spiritual development, and health should not be compromised at all by it, but rather furthered. It is only by being whole individually (and due to the changing nature of the universe this is an endless process of becoming and striving), that the relationship itself can be whole and evolve adequately IMO.

If striving for this kind of self-betterment is not allowed then IMO the relationship is either doomed to fail or will at least never be truly fulfilling, because it would appear to me as though at least one party in it could not participate in it as a whole being. How could this be in any way desirable?

So no, while I understand why it's hard to make these kind of choices, I would not quit entheogens or any other thing in my life that I believe is integral to me developing and evolving towards something more positive and whole, for the sake of a relationship or a lover. Not because I would not be willing to make sacrifices but because I don't believe that a relationship on the base of that kind of a sacrifice would have any valuable or desirable future.

much love
Enoon
 
here is how I see it my friend ... if she can not love you for who you are than you will have to change to something you are not in order for her to love you. than you will be loved but unhappy with your self. you will end up living someone else life not yours. than you two break up anyway and you will no longer know the person you see in the mirror every morning. you will have to find your self again.

sorry to say this my friend but this lady does not love you. my advice ... run away as fast as you can and don't worry you will meet the right one soon enough if you wish so.

good luck my friend :)

ps: be careful about to whom you tell about controlled substances you have in your house
 
That sounds like a pretty unpleasant situation and I'm sorry you are going through it. I would not date someone who was opposed to psychedelics. Having to hide that aspect of my life from a romantic partner would add so much stress to those experiences and I wouldn't be able to talk to my partner about things that came up during a trip. If you really don't think she will change her mind I would change the type of relationship with her sooner rather than wait until it is more heartbreaking for everyone involved.
 
I think you should try to help her realize that psychedelics aren't the drugs that they're made out to be, but so much more. You should explain what it means to be an entheogen and why it's important in her life. I could see that she would never want to do it, and that's fine, but you should also try to convince her that it shouldn't have a negative impact on your relationship if that's where her fear is stemming from. Also I would take whatever it is that makes her happiest in life (ok if material possession for this scenario) and say for example, "well if you get your hair done while we're going out, it's over" (obviously presented in a hypothetical way). Just like she's gotta look good on the outside to be happy, your soul has to look good on the inside, and that's what you use entheogens for. And no, if I were in your situation, I would not quit entheogens. Whoever I'm with will have to understand one of the biggest parts of my life, and if they can't, then they certainly wouldn't understand me, and if that's the case, what in the world are we doing together?
 
Hi there MetaXIII, I went through a similar situation to you at the start of the year with my girlfriend of 7 years. A bit of background (and I'll try and keep it short), about 5 years ago I had an acid trip that brought up a lot of unresolved grief issues regarding my fathers death that I hadn't dealt with and caused me a good few years of emotional turmoil, a true dark knight of the soul kinda thing. At the time my girlfriend imposed a no drugs policy which I totally understood.

Well... cut to 5 years down the line, I'm much better and am a stronger and wiser person for having gone through this. But she was still adamant about me never touching drugs again (I was only interested in the psychedelics and weed by this point) but I started to know deep down that I would one day want to pick up the gauntlet again when the time was right. I finally confronted her on this issue and basically laid it down that this is part of who I am, it is something that would only be a once a year thing for my personal and spiritual betterment and basically either like it or lump it...

Of course I wasn't that blunt but it was a really tough time, I love the girl with all my heart and she is the most important thing in my life and I wouldn't have got through my dark night of the soul without her but I started to feel like I was compromising who I was as a person and as a spiritual being... Thankfully after a rough few weeks the strength of our love prevailed and we worked out a compromise (which is what relationships are all about) that we could both live with.

I, and no one else, can tell you what to do in matters of the heart but when push comes to shove, you have to be happy otherwise in the long run your unhappiness will hamper and ultimately erode the relationship, and it works on both sides of the coin too.

I hope my story was of some help but either way, I'm sure it will work out for you in the long run if you follow your heart :)

Peace and happy traveling
 
I also realise that my girlfriend was most likely acting out of fear... fear that I would go through it all again but I just had to explain to her that it happened for a reason, if I hadn't of taken that acid I wouldn't have dealt with my fathers death (maybe I still wouldn't have to this date?) and that it was a good thing in the long run.

Anyway Meta, it can help to try and jump into the head of your girlfriend and see it from her point of view, even if she is just responding to an irrational fear of psychedelics and drugs in general... Good luck :)
 
You already know the answer to this question in your own heart.

Ultimately this has nothing to do with psychedelics and everything to do with a choosing a partner that either will or will not be supportive of the decisions that you need/want to make to grow as a human being. Replace psychedelics with another word that describes an activity you enjoy. How would you feel now? Would you ask her to quit going to yoga classes? Would you demand that your partner quit taking antidepressants if she was on them because it was artificial?


Don't get me wrong I understand her point. She equates drugs with bad because of the society she grew up in. I'm guessing that she doesn't want to be in a relationship that revolves around drugs. Since she probably hasn't spend the time reading about and exploring drugs that you have they are all the same to her....and psychedelics are the worst! It will likely take a monumental effort to get her to see your point of view...I'm sorry to say but the societal operating system that we exist in can be very powerful...and ultimately the other person has to be ready to wake up and challenge existing beliefs on their own. If you try to force it she will likely lock up and take a harder stance.

Honestly if you don't think she can budge on this then why not do everything possible to gracefully bow out of the relationship while asking to maintain a friendship? For sure do not drag this on for another year or two hoping she will change. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to her. Would you like it if she drug you along for 1-2 years hoping you'd change?

I wish you well in your decision. I have been in your situation many times in my life. I eventually found the one for me...and you know what? Psychedelics aren't her thing either, but she completely respects my desire to explore them. When you find your life's partner it will be a round peg and a round hole situation.

Peace
 
If I tried to be with someone that didn't understand why I supplemented endogenous neurotransmitters and got on my case about it, they would be gone detached from my life sooner than I could say smoalk moar.
 
id quit her man,
its not just about the psyches, its about her not accepting you and forcing her view on you. This will become a problem in other areas than just this one!!
I have a lady thats only a very infrequent indulger, and does not share the exitement i do for the entheogens, but she sure as hell knows better than to fuck with my life's path!!
Best of luck whatever you decide!!
 
Im going to jsut say what I think here. Your girlfriend has a problem, and it's not your pronblem. She wants somebody that she can controll. Alot of people are this way unconsciously. I dont think it means they are bad people, but being with somebody that attempts to controll you in that way only breeds resentment in the end IMO. You will resent her for this if you truely do wish to take psychedelics again. You will either end up hiding it from her which will cause more stress to you which is not really fair, or she will find out and break up with you. Relationships are weird that way, people get caught up in them, it is human nature..

It's not bad to get caught up, but when it ends up holding you back from doing things in life that you desire doing you stop living YOUR dream and start living someone elses. I dont believe that a relationship is about comprimise in that sense at all, despite what some people may say. I would never ever attempt to hold back another person in that way..relationships are give and take yes, but in a different way.

if I was you I would just be honest. Tell her that you do want to take psychedelics again at some point, and if she cant deal with it than that her her problem and not yours..it's not like you arent being honest and giving her the real you. Do you really want to give another person only a fraction of who you really are while the other part sort of lingers in the shadows?
 
Been in the same position. Split up. No one can ask you to do that. It's like asking somenone never to go to chruch because you think religion is evil.
 
@Rooftop I've been with her for seven months now. And I did bring up the topic that alcohol is a drug and that things are rarely inherently good/bad but it's the proper use or abuse of them that makes it so.

@SWIMfriend My girlfriend does have some control issues, but usually they are minor, and stem from the fact that her previous boyfriend cheated on her. So I tried to make her feel as safe as possible. And she loosened up quite a bit. It's just this one thing she won't budge on, and neither will I which is causing friction between us.

@Mitakuye Oyasin The thing is she has no rational reason why she feels negatively against drugs. To her anything that changes our consciousness/brain activity/nervous system is bad because our body shouldn't be tampered with. But it's not even that deep with her. She just has a set mind that drugs are bad, and they are done by teenagers who are idiots and once you are an adult you should stop these "unhealthy" habits. The only exception to that rule are celebrities who have all the money and nothing to do so they are bored and that's why they do drugs.

She dislikes most drugs including prescription except for alcohol. And I completely forgot to mention that sugar, tea and coffee are drugs to her. I tried to convince her that many smart, responsible, adults who lead healthy and fullfilling lives can take psychedelics and be productive and positive people by making her read the Nexus. But she refuses to go to this site. I thought that once she sees the level of discussion, understanding, and compassion on these forums she would at least be a bit more accepting of the people who choose to make psychedelics a part of their life.

I believe in the use of psychedelics for personal growth and change. And I know she is afraid that I will change. Change scares her whereas for me it's something I constantly strive for. At the same time her arguments are that if you want to change you should be "strong" enough not to need drugs to do that.

@Enoon Thank you for this "Not because I would not be willing to make sacrifices but because I don't believe that a relationship on the base of that kind of a sacrifice would have any valuable or desirable future." In arguments with people you really care for judgement does get clouded sometimes. And I am the type of person to compromise more than I am willing to just to please someone I care for. So, on rare occasions, when things I absolutely won't compromise on do come up I start thinking whether I'm being fair and if what I do is more importand than who I love. So thank you for reminding me that if I'm not true to who I am, then no matter who I am with I will not be truly happy.

@smokerx I believe you are right. Thank you. And I have no controlled substances in my house.


A BIG thank you to all of you. You made me think, laugh and feel a little better. This has been weighing down on me and because I can't talk about this to anyone in my life who would understand my side so it has been that much harder. So thanks again, and if I feel under the weather I can just visit this topic and all your encouragements will lift me up.

True Love To All Of You

MetaXIII
 
I am back just to say one more thing.

You have actually answered the question your self. You said you know that at some point you are going to use entheogens again right ? So that means you already know how this all going to end up anyway. I guess you posted this thread just to clarify that. Just to see that your judgement is right.You should trust your self a bit more , trust your feelings my friend. You know she is not walking on your path even you wish she would.

Maybe one day she will cross your path again who knows. People wake up all the time.

Whatever we say here is not important anyway cos you are the one who will have to make this decision.

Good luck again and let as know about the outcome if you wish to share it.
 
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