being all alone.

[jamie]

How alone is too alone?
When does loneliness become fear?
Why does something as powerful as love have to die?

At what point does our greatest sense of purpose become our own delusion?

I am so alone.

I have been alone before. I have spent years alone. I have spent my entire life more alone than most people I know. I am not very social. I prefer plants to people. I trust animals more than humans. I would rather dig in the dirt than spend my night at tacky social gatherings. It always seemed to me be a show. I guess that bothered me. The lack of authenticity in the social displays, the lack of honesty in so much of our relations. I preferred to be alone. I never really felt lonely though..at least I never connected the dots that way..but now I just feel so lost. The thing I want most I cannot touch..all of the little things that I LOVED, that mattered..gone..

I am broken.

I am afraid.

How do you live wishing you could change the past?..or at least bring it back into your future?

how do you function when you feel like the best part of you has been shattered?

I should be happy. I have a job closer to what I want than ever before working in a greenhouse full time. I am going to school for horticulture. I know this is what I need..but the part of me that needs this is broken.

I am not okay, but I have to live with the reality that it's okay to not be okay..becasue the alternative is a road I cant fathom.

Im nearly 30, spending my break in my car crying because some woman asked me "are you married?". This is not how I imagined my life. I want my dream back. I feel like I have woken up inside of a nightmare.

..and the thing is. GOD is with me. I NEVER thought I would find myselft saying that. But I know it. I know GOD. It's not the christian god, or the muslim god. It's not Odin. Sometimes she is Gaia, other times she bites like a black widow. Sometimes he's a massive galactic orgasm. Other times it is none of these..but something..indescribable..ineffible..and yet..that's not enough..this god feels shattered, like myself. Maybe god lost a lover too.

Is GOD lonely?
Does GOD have a lover?

How do you reconcile loosing the one person who seemed to reflect the stars themselves back to you?..one who when you look into they're eyes you see the cosmos encased? The only person you ever loved? The smile that could be the highlight of your day, for every single day of your life?

At what point is a one sided love affair a container for nothing more than a delusion?

Do we really all just die alone?

Do you sleep well? Or do you lay there for hours feeling hopeless?

Medicine connects me. Medicine unites me. Medicine brings me home into my centre..but then I come back. For some reason now more than ever I can release into it..inhale..dissolve..let go..maybe I feel like I have so little left to fight for. I lost what meant most to me..comming back to a world that is broken..a world where "I love you" is never enough. A part of me is dying..and I have no idea what it means. I love you is all I have left. My love, a cosmic ray beam of starlight cohernace, now scattered and sloppy.

If I could, would I go back in time and do things differently?

I would..

What is life? Why do we do it? Do we all just die alone?

Medicine speaks to me. Medicine whispers to me. Medicine sings to me. Like a lover, she kisses me.
Gaia is in pain. Heartbreak...we are breaking her heart. She misses us.
Is Gaia lonely?
She is calling us home.

and still

"I love you" is never enough..

..and people are amazing. The most random people can amaze you..becasue this world is filled with love..it's filled with light amongst the shadows..shadows amongst the light..all of this in a world where love in never enough.

..and it's so so sad.

 

[Aviator]

Mmm, the woman in your video looks like someone I know. Except she has the brightest green eyes I've ever seen. She's a dancer too.

I feel how you feel when I think of her

Maybe in another life...

Maybe in this one...

 

[Infectedstyle]

"insert kind words"

Too alone is when you start feeling lonely, then you just need people. Any kind will do

 

[112233]

****sigh**** your words strike too close to home..........I feel you, Brother, believe me, I do.

 

[jamie]

 

[Aviator]

"insert kind words"

Too alone is when you start feeling lonely, then you just need people. Any kind will do

You know there are groups of people that are into what everyone is into here and meet every month or so. That's a good place to look for people :d

 

[jamie]

At least I learned how strong friendship is. My one friend, my longest friend...after years apart..my best friend..reaches out to me the very day I try to contact her..both totally lost..her father dies and I feel like I fell into the abyss..I cant figure out if it's funny or sadistic how things seem to sync up this way..

But I am thankful that I do have one friend who still values me after all these years. Honestly I dont know whether to laugh or cry these days. I seem to do a lot of both..

..and I am at work, and I fling my hand and my ring flies off..smashes against concrete into pieces of hematite..broken, like me..a sign of the times?..and for some reason I loved that ring.
..yet so many other rings fit that finger...

And I have my passion..and my path in life..which is tryptamine plants and fungi..and everything that implies...Simple..but profound..impossible to explain.

Daily mushroom microdoses help me open and hold space for grieving. Grieving for everything..the world, me, my place in it..everyone and everything. I seem to have no target..maybe thats the point. Emotions rising without needing obsessivly to attach them to things..ideas..just emotions..pure.

Back to the begginning. A primordial waveform, overtones of light.

Cascading in the mist, into a rainbow bridge.

Opening like a flower.

One petal at a time.

Music is transmutation.

 

[Infectedstyle]

"insert kind words"

Too alone is when you start feeling lonely, then you just need people. Any kind will do

You know there are groups of people that are into what everyone is into here and meet every month or so. That's a good place to look for people :d

Do you mean there are more people interestd in pineal gland surgeries and perfecting extractions from fetal babies? If so, I want in!

 

[jamie]

pain is part of life..without suffering there is no joy.

 

[Philosopher]

You are never alone. The nexus is here for you. You may feel lonely, like me. Or be physically apart from others most of the time, choosing not to interact is easier. Being alone is perfectly acceptable if you can derive your own happiness, which is hard for most people. A lot of people depend on others to have fun with, but there comes a time in every man/woman's life when there is just no one left. And it's good to be practiced in being alone, in that situation. You can find perfect bliss in a lifetime of no interaction, it is very possible. You will only feel horrible after seeing how much joy others feel when they are together. We all are jealous of it. I guess I just wanna say I'm alone too. Very alone. My Gf of 2 years is in a different state now, and I can't form any new relationships it hurts too much. I just compare and come to the conclusion I'd rather be alone than with someone Who doesn't make me happy. There's no pressure to find the one. Age is an illusion, remember? We are all eternal and we will all find love. (IMO) you haven't missed out because there is so much more to come. All that is real is what's happening now, and it's your choice how you want to live the now, since the past is gone, and the future isn't here yet, now is always the right time.

 

[jamie]

yeah..it's hard..I dont even know what else to say at this point. It's just so hard.

It's not about loving myself or anything..sometimes people say that..I do love myself very much..it's just so hard..and complicated..for reasons that are complicated..holding space for my own self-empathy is all I can do. There have been times with DMT where I feel like I actaully split..I come out of the trance literally crying in sorrow and laughing in joy...mourning, and speaking so clearly..and it is not "this" me that is speaking. It is some higher me..eyes glazed over in hyerpspace..this voice..this voice that belongs to a part of me I long to be a part of..

.."you loved, and that love is beautiful..you love, and it is still beautiful..and it is YOUR love..it belongs to you FIRST..just becasue another stops loving you does not mean YOUR love dies. It is your greatest gift."
"now you can be who you need to be"
"you can open up and allow new people to love you, and they will"
"follow only the threads that extend from your heart and forget the rest, only then will you find that happiness in your life"..

Sometimes I just want to go out into the rain, close my eyes and dissapear. Sometimes I do.

 

[SHroomtroll]

We seem to have alot in common jamie. I also have a hard time meeting new people since i dont care for the social games that most people need to play to feel important and feed their egos.


Its like if you want people to respect you and not take advantage of you then you have to play and act alpha or something.


But im lucky though, i have someone who i share a life with and have a child and i do beleive our love is eternal even beyond this life.


I dont know what happened between you and your partner but i do know it hurts like nothing else, but time will heal you and someone like you will always find love again when you are ready for it.


As for social events etc i have the same issue, i find it impossible to go to a regular nightclub or whatever where there us this norm of how you should play the cat n mouse game and get drunk and act stupid.


My refuge is my martial arts club and rave parties.

The first being my divine temple where me and my brothers and sisters in our art just go all out to make each other better every single sesion. Afterwards we sometimes talk about life or whatever while together cleaning up after us.


Raves or at least the ones i go to is a special gathering of all kinds of freaks who have nothing in common except we are all different than the norm and have found somewhere we can dance have fun and be our selfs.

Sure there is always alot of coke heads and speed freaks at these places but also alot of hippie types and trippers but i just love diversity so i dont judge people just dont need to approach the ones giving me bad vibes.

Idk im not saying you need to do what i do, but try find somewhere you can meet similiar minded people and do something you enjoy with strangers, it makes it alot easier to get a real connection.

 

[steppa]

Do something. It doesn't really matter what. Just something, that you normaly refrain from doing. Somthing where you have to jump over your shaddow (not really sure if this saying exists in english). Just a little thing, this day. Maybe another little thing tomorrow. You'll feel less trapped in yourself, and maybe you'll realize (and I mean really _realizing deep within yourself_, not just acknowledging) that it's you who is in charge of his fate anytime. Even RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT. In every moment.

 

[jamie]

it's not just that I am alone. It's that my heart is shattered. That, I dont know how to fix. It has left me feeling defeated, and just horribly sad. How do you just forget someone you planned to spend the rest of your life with? It feels impossible..isn't that the point..isnt that exactly why people get married? If it was easy to just forget none of that would be worth it..but when you wake up one day, and realize that they just dont love you anymore, not like that..what do you do? You almost wish you could hate them, but you cant. everything just complicates..and ironically you can get so low that you end up way way too high..and then you fall back down..that will make sense to some people I am sure..others not. It's like a trip that never ends. I am convinced emotions are circular, rather than a line.

..and I am doing things..I am trying to connect more with my local community through evovlver and going to ayahuasca related events etc. Im going to as many festivals as my job will allw me to this summer. I miss the festival culture and people so bad.

Life is just surreal. Everything aside..it just blow my mind that the univers does this.

 

[Elpo]

I agree with Steppa and Shroomtroll, it will take time to overcome this feeling. At this moment it seems you won't be able to cope, but with time you will get stronger.

As for suggestions, I think trying to create new patterns is a good solution. Doesn't have to be anything big or out of your nature, but try new things. If you don't like being around a lot of people, try finding a small group of like minded individuals to share your thoughts with. I also mean REAL people, the Nexus is great, but virtual meetings only get you that far. Whether we like it or not humans are social beings who need contact. Just a simple hug can do much more then a million words...

Especially continue doing what you enjoy, don't let those thing go, they will keep you grounded.

I wish you a lot of courage and strength.

 

[nen888]

..sending you the best wishes possible jamie..

..and the thing is. GOD is with me. I NEVER thought I would find myselft saying that. But I know it. I know GOD. It's not the christian god, or the muslim god. It's not Odin. Sometimes she is Gaia, other times she bites like a black widow. Sometimes he's a massive galactic orgasm. Other times it is none of these..but something..indescribable..ineffible..and yet..that's not enough..this god feels shattered, like myself. Maybe god lost a lover too.

Is GOD lonely?
Does GOD have a lover?

How do you reconcile loosing the one person who seemed to reflect the stars themselves back to you?..one who when you look into they're eyes you see the cosmos encased? The only person you ever loved? The smile that could be the highlight of your day, for every single day of your life?

..with an extra decade to have gone through similar experiences jamie, i can say that things do change...that kind of love can appear again, in another set of eyes, but it's the same eyes in a way...if you're open and not resisting change..life becomes more complete again..other things in life will fill the void..
if one thing is inevitable in the universe it is change...the shakti as hindus call it..
but sure, spiritual advice can seem empty or annoying in the depths of pain..

in a similar state when i was around 30 i felt so alone that i could see no real other positive path but to actually embrace the spiritual path...or whatever you want to call it..
..with hindsight i can see that only by being put in a predicament of aloneness could i have really worked on the discipline of focusing on the universal love..what seemed like tragedy was in fact an opportunity to grow..
..through focus, through faith, through openness, to keep feeling that sense of eternity and hope, even after entheogens have 'worn off'...to keep the feeling of a deep spiritual breakthrough in my heart always...and to trust that that feeling, those eyes are more than the person you experienced this through..to be not attached to that self-identity of mine which, in it's hallucination of separation, could feel so alone..

"Does GOD have a lover?"

..i think God's lover is a dancer, called Change..
if you can embrace her, things will change for you too..

again, wish you well jamie...

 

[Tranzcentral]

Jamie if you are without love, then you feel like your slowly dying, i know for its happening to me. I really feel for you, and i know exactly what you mean by your post.

I know exactly how your feeling, and to actually read your post, made me realize i am not alone. I'm in my 30's...whilst in my 20's i had many relationships, but after awhile, with every girl wanting marriage, children, etc, i did not want that robotic mainstream way of life..

Yes i see the fake, the dishonesty, screaming to myself there has to be more to this life.
I see the majority of the world in a state a slavery...history forever repeating itself.

I'm at a point where i just want to be rid of everything i own, pack a bag and leave this country and live. 9-5 employment i simply cannot do anymore.

Jamie something will click in time don't worry. Your head is well and truly screwed on, and you'll know it when it happens.

I wish you all the best for this year, make it what you want it to be.

 

[SKA]

I'm very much in the same position, jamie.
Just broke off a relationship of 3 and a half years not more than 1 and a half month ago.
Allthough the relationship was horrible and that I ended it is for the best, such terrifying,
tormenting emptyness fills my life. I too had socially isolated myself. I too miss festivals,
people and adventure.

I also feel like I took a wrong turn and that the only way out of the misery is to go back the way I came.
Back to before I took the wrong turn. This view is very tempting, but deep down you & I know better: That the
only way out is through. That's what difficult Psychedelic experiences have taught me too.

I would advise you to seek a way to turn your heavy feelings into lighter, more bearable, even beautyfull feelings.
For me this works when I express my grief by playing music. That misery becomes a blissfull intoxication. A strange blend of Joy & Pain that results in spiritual extacy the likes of which no drug can produce in me.

It is my methaphorical Laboratory where I turn methaphorical lead into methaphorical gold.
Find your own way of transforming your lead-feelings into feelings of gold. It may be playing music too,
it may be something else. You may not yet know what it is, or maybe you do. I think botany can help you do that.
And perhaps a combination of other activities that bring you hope, strength & inspiration can too.

And every now and then look at your own drama, as if you were looking at a soap-opera character's drama.
I found this perspective to allow for humor, which makes the whole ordeal alot lighter and more bearable for me.

I once layed in bed, not at all very long after being dumped by "the girl", while I was under the influence of Mushrooms & MDMA. Previously that day I was horribly depressed and in pain about it. But in my bed with the musrhooms & MDMA kicking in I looked at myself & my pain from a 3d person perspective. I saw myself as a puppet. A figure with no discernable identity. I realised that I was just this creature/puppet that was sad because he really really really missed some other puppet. As I realised this I burst out in laughter at my own drama and lit a big fat joint and continued to enjoy that new, humorous perspective of my own pain.

May this help you overcome and outlive your pain so you can regain hope & inspiration to live again.

 

[jamie]

Wow..thank you. All of you.

 

[○]

You are never alone. The nexus is here for you. You may feel lonely, like me. Or be physically apart from others most of the time, choosing not to interact is easier. Being alone is perfectly acceptable if you can derive your own happiness, which is hard for most people. A lot of people depend on others to have fun with, but there comes a time in every man/woman's life when there is just no one left. And it's good to be practiced in being alone, in that situation. You can find perfect bliss in a lifetime of no interaction, it is very possible. You will only feel horrible after seeing how much joy others feel when they are together. We all are jealous of it. I guess I just wanna say I'm alone too. Very alone. My Gf of 2 years is in a different state now, and I can't form any new relationships it hurts too much. I just compare and come to the conclusion I'd rather be alone than with someone Who doesn't make me happy. There's no pressure to find the one. Age is an illusion, remember? We are all eternal and we will all find love. (IMO) you haven't missed out because there is so much more to come. All that is real is what's happening now, and it's your choice how you want to live the now, since the past is gone, and the future isn't here yet, now is always the right time.

aye!