X log update:
Dose: 230mg harmala freebase @ T-00:40 + 40mg DMT freebase @ T+00:00 + 30mg DMT @ T+1:30. In orange juice, with empty stomach. Ate a slice of bread with the first DMT dose.
As I had recently completed an extraction, I decided to try pure DMT instead of mimosa brew to see if it was easier in my stomach. At the beginning, instead of laying down I sat on the bed to be able to hopefully burp any gas instead of holding it in my stomach. This time I wasn't feeling the harmala effects that strong at the beginning. As I sat there, I started to have gas appear in my stomach once again. Some blue blobs of light started appearing, and from there it quickly rose in intensity, and I saw a transparent silhouette drinking a cup of red liquid. Soon I felt that I had to vomit due to the gas, there was no chance of holding it in. When attempting to vomit nothing came out, but I immediately felt better, as if I had actually vomited. Just after that, the intensity of the experience went up by surprise and I had to lay down. What followed was quite confusing, there were some memories from my childhood and other personal issues, and at points the physical sensations of energy were so strong it felt as if I were going to dissolve. It proceeded in very marked waves of strong effects divided by short calm moments with much more subtler effects. The first wave was the strongest, and from there each peak was lower and lower, until returning to baseline (except for the harmala effects).
I was somewhat puzzled, as the experience had happened so fast that I felt I couldn't really remember it well, and apparently it had been over in half an hour. When I went to the kitchen to redose, I saw that actually one and a half hours had passed. I was slightly apprehensive to redose but at the same time encouraged by the lack of bad stomach effects other than some gas, so I took another 30mg in orange juice. Quickly after laying down I felt the effects again appear and escalate
really fast. (In what follows, I will just say what it appeared to be in the moment, that doesn't mean I necessarily think what I experienced and saw was literally true. Also, many things are omitted because I don't remember them well or at all, so assume gaps between the different scenes).
Next thing I know, I was in a place that somehow was the inside of my mind. There was a committee of beings forming a circle. A "nerve signal" had arrived to the room, and they were discussing what signal to send back in reaction. I couldn't hear them saying anything, but it was clear that that's what they were doing. The beings looked like those pictures of "biblically accurate angels", but their shapes were more complex, and they had different strange objects rotating around them instead of wheels:
After that, I saw nerves, blood vessels and discarnate organs glowing in a space of total darkness, and I somehow was connected with them. And I understood that I was experienced what I experienced as a fetus "the moment my spirit entered my body". Then I saw a row of fetus forming, and their spirits were waiting for them to be ready to go inside them. I saw how shocking connecting with the body is at first for the spirits, the difficulties they have learning to control the body. Then, I saw how when they're born they don't understand the world they're born into, as it's very different from the world they come from, and how they're punished and forced to forget all they know about the world they come from. All of this was extremely familiar to me and just how things are.
At that point (after many more things that I don't remember) suddenly I got some faint sensations from my body. So then I myself was shocked, I had forgotten all about it until that moment as I was totally disconnected from it. I felt how the bodily sensations "pulled" me "back into normal reality". However it was far from over yet. At that point, I still felt in the "other world", and it was like a drug trip was starting, and the effects of said trip were the glimpses of awareness of my body and the "normal world" (that didn't seem normal at all). I was trying to understand how is it possible that the "normal world" exists at all, why is there such a strange and illusory place. Whereas the "other world" was just how things are, and the obvious normality.
As I was reconnecting more and more, I felt that the "normal world" was just Awareness. Yes, "my" awareness, but that awareness had nothing of "me", it wasn't "mine", it was everything and everybody. Hence Awareness. I could feel (and see, it's hard to explain but it appeared to be symbolized by a transparent, extremely symmetrical, hieratic human-like figure) said Awareness slowly focusing more and more in my body, slowly losing touch with everything else. I pondered about other people, are they Awareness? Can they see it? It came to me that in fact they were, but that it was not the moment to experience how said Awareness can be many subjective awareness-es at once.
Unrelatedly, it also came to me that in some cases people are born and don't have a chance to adapt well to "normal reality", and it's too late once they're older. Except that with this type of experience you get a chance to be born again and learn again, with the added benefit of experience and hindsight. I also saw how life was really a game that spirits play, and that some people get too lost in the game and believe it too much, and others are able to remember who they are but in some cases they give up too early and express their nature in this world, ruining the game (psychosis). The point is to play the game without either believing it too much or giving up. Another topic was my difficult relationship with my own body, how I resented that it was not as pure as the spirit, and how I actually shouldn't do that and should take care of it.
As I was slowly returning to baseline, I felt my awareness much more reduced but extremely clean. I realized I sometimes try to escape from the reality of who I am or from playing the game and cloud my awareness with negative activities, substances or thoughts. And I thought it's important that I keep it clean.
Once I was at baseline (but feeling much lighter and with a very clear mind), I tidied up a room in my house and mopped the floor. This felt just right.
This experience has been probably the most intense I've had (and I've had high doses of other psychedelics). Now I really understand the importance of integration, I have to process all these experiences. It's interesting that in many aspects they are very far away from how I see reality, there was a clear mind-matter dualism going on, and I even saw how both realms ("normal" world and "spirit" world) intersect in human beings. I'm not taking this experience literally and I don't believe I've seen how reality really is, but I'm also not closed to the possibility of part of it reflecting parts of reality. In a way, I think it does.
, not so unpleasant and feels much more as cleansing.
