blig-blug's Ayahuasca experience log

[DM3]

Perceived body temperature is very often quite problematic part of the experience, sensitivity is so much increased during the session that one can easily start to worry. In addition, allergy could also contributes to it, at least in my case, when I have active allergy, one of the typical feelings is the feeling of increased internal heat.

More likely body toxins. Gotta detox.

 

[Transform]

More likely body toxins. Gotta detox.

On the basis of what, exactly? This is the sort of claim that deserves rather more than barely a one-line post.

 

[northape]

There are no bad trips, only difficult ones. This one sounds like the latter.
You learn something each time. If it isn't an insight about your mind and life, then it could be a lesson about your body and its workings.

I'd advise making the set and setting as simple as possible, with good safety all around. You learn this with experience,
and I'm sure you know it too, but I'll remind you and everyone else once again. That way, you won't need to question
things during the journey and can focus all your might on riding it out.

MAOIs don't just activate DMT; they also heighten all other neurotransmitters, acting as a kind of neuroamplifier.
Your feelings like fear and anxiety get amplified too, which is actually part of the healing process.
This chaotic soup of neurochemistry will balance itself in a few days and produce a new baseline.

 

[blig-blug]

There are no bad trips, only difficult ones.

I was actually thinking about that towards the end of the experience. I do think there can be bad trips: for example, if I had truly, completely believed that I was in imminent physical danger and had called for emergency assistance, I would probably been hauled to some medical center and treated with antipsychotics. That would count as a bad trip, to me (I wasn't close to doing that at any point). But as long as you don't fully believe in your suffering in the moment, it's not a bad trip and you'll likely learn from it. And in that way it's not different from many other difficulties in life: only when fully believing that a situation is as terrible as it may seem can it actually become dangerously terrible, for example leading to suicide. Not counting inherently dangerous situations, of course.

This one sounds like the latter.

A big chunk of it was very difficult, but towards the latter third of it, it actually became easy again. That's when I was talking to my girlfriend (or trying to do so, at first). Even before that, it was difficult but the extreme part with the heat shock obsession can't have lasted more than around half an hour. However, in the moment it felt like an eternity, as tends to be the case with psychedelics. So I'm using this to reflect on how my present mental state colors how long and short, how long and bad, different events have been.

I'd advise making the set and setting as simple as possible, with good safety all around. You learn this with experience,
and I'm sure you know it too, but I'll remind you and everyone else once again. That way, you won't need to question
things during the journey and can focus all your might on riding it out.

It can never be reminded too many times. The factors that were "wrong" in this case were few and apparently minor, but they had a huge influence. It's easy to forget to how extent the experience will amplify everything. Particularly any factor that can be related to physical safety. I didn't think that it could go beyond just perhaps bothering me, and in fact I doubted I would perceive the warmth much, as I usually get very cold during the experience. This was a mistake that I won't repeat. Same for any other factor that could bring doubts about my physical safety during the experience. So yes, it's always a good moment to remind this.

Your feelings like fear and anxiety get amplified too, which is actually part of the healing process.

Not only amplified, but they directly connected with many negative memories from the past where I felt similar, not as an image-like memory but bringing the same mindset, the same mental patterns. I'm sure this will have been very beneficial, because I hadn't thought about some of those memories in a long time. I was also connected with some of my difficult trips many years ago, when I was starting to use psychedelics and I was not too serious or careful. It's like now I have a chance to bring those trips to a satisfactory ending.

This chaotic soup of neurochemistry will balance itself in a few days and produce a new baseline.

At the late part of the experience itself, I started to feel deeply cleansed and calm. I believe that there is more than one way of purging, and (involuntary) prolonged, very strong muscle tension seems to be able to produce similar effects to vomiting (vomiting would have been easier, though). These days after the experience (the experience was on Tuesday evening) I'm feeling more sensitive, but also more open and with a higher ability to react thoughtfully to what happens. So I'm very happy and grateful I could undergo this experience, even if it was hellish at points.

 

[Transform]

Backtracking all the way here, I can very much relate to the noise issue outlined in the first few posts of this thread, so it's reassuring to hear of @blig-blug's move to a significantly quieter location. (And yes, I'm a bit behind the curve on all of this )

Traffic noise in my present location has significantly hampered my ability to explore as deeply as I would have liked, although it's broadly tolerable for harmala-only sessions. Being more or less forced to travel for deeper exploration has its upsides too, I suppose.

Nevertheless:

It's a nature of work in the city. It's not the best environment for medicine, but we work with what we have.

has given me food for thought on how I might move forward, as has blig-blug's post.

Thanks for sharing

 

[northape]

if I had truly, completely believed that I was in imminent physical danger and had called for emergency assistance, I would probably been hauled to some medical center and treated with antipsychotics. That would count as a bad trip

Still, that would be one hell of a lesson. Of course, it all depends on one's outlook, but I try to see it all positively and take the most from the journey.

However, in the moment it felt like an eternity, as tends to be the case with psychedelics.

Yeah, it's interesting how time is a totally subjective experience. It basically doesn't exist at all, but is created by our minds.

The factors that were "wrong" in this case were few and apparently minor, but they had a huge influence.

These minor issues tend to become significant later on. I've had my share of such situations, so now I have a pretty stable ceremony. Yet, medicine can have its own plans and create difficulties that I couldn't have planned for.

At the late part of the experience itself, I started to feel deeply cleansed and calm.

Purging is an energetic action of a body system. While physical vomiting is quite beneficial, stimulating the vagus nerve and so on, you can purge in a number of ways. It's all about moving heavy energy out of the body. So, you can imagine yourself: breathing, shaking, sweating, tensing/relaxing, doing asanas, and much more.

From my experience, these tough journeys really tend to build a lot of awareness. You learn that you can't just go with the flow or zone out; you need to be present. Facing difficulty head-on builds trust in yourself, patience, and mental presence. For years, I had a simple practice: I'd throw myself into deep waters with heavy harmala doses and then try to get back to shore. I definitely don't recommend it to anyone and wouldn't even wish it on my enemies (which I don't have, haha). It showed me more about myself than any visual experience ever did.

After such a journey, it's important to ground yourself. Try walking in a forest, taking a dip in a lake or a long shower, doing some meditation, and getting some exercise. Eat and sleep well, and spend quality time with your girl. Remember, we're all human at the end of the day. Ultimately, all this healing is about being truly alive, open, and sensitive to life. Enjoy it, and share it with those around you

 

[blig-blug]

it's reassuring to hear of @blig-blug's move to a significantly quieter location

I'm very happy about it too. It's not permanent, but I have some months here, and I'm going to take advantage of them as much as possible.

Traffic noise in my present location has significantly hampered my ability to explore as deeply as I would have liked, although it's broadly tolerable for harmala-only sessions. Being more or less forced to travel for deeper exploration has its upsides too, I suppose.

I completely understand. We really live in an era of noise. In my place before, I ended getting up at 5 AM for Ayahuasca to minimize noise, but it still was significant sometimes. I did get better at handling it, but I'd rather not have to get even better.

From my experience, these tough journeys really tend to build a lot of awareness. You learn that you can't just go with the flow or zone out; you need to be present. Facing difficulty head-on builds trust in yourself, patience, and mental presence.

I agree, this is becoming more and more evident to me. It's interesting how in principle it should give great reassurance, in the sense that if we can handle a difficult trip, we can handle almost any situation of daily life. However that's not immediately learned, but little by little it seems to seep in.

After such a journey, it's important to ground yourself. Try walking in a forest, taking a dip in a lake or a long shower, doing some meditation, and getting some exercise.

Yes, I'm walking daily, the forests here are beautiful. I also play with some dogs that live here. Connecting with the dogs' innocence and playfulness is always very grounding to me. And of course, spending time with my girlfriend.

Ultimately, all this healing is about being truly alive, open, and sensitive to life. Enjoy it, and share it with those around you

Very much agreed, and thank you! I always appreciate a lot getting your perspective.

 

[Sakkadelic]

and I felt my mind was remarkably clear and I could think about my personal problems and difficult situations without my emotions interfering, while at the same time still feeling them deeply.

That's exactly how I feel on harmalas, it slows down and dampens emotions where I can just observe them while processing hardship without feeling overwhelmed, and low dose dmt amplifies the process.

My problem is that this state became permanent (depersonalization/derealization) and I'm no longer able to feel, by that I mean, I am rarely overwhelmed by emotions. I only feel emotional and tear up on silly happy anime scenes or movie endings haha. But when it comes to myself and life events, I'm dry as a desert. Now that makes me (appear) resilient but I really just want to feel again, sometimes I feel it coming but immediately my brain panics and shuts it down in half a second. This state was in me all along and I had previous episodes but it got catalised by immense stress, an emotionally traumatic cannabis fueled event, a large dose of harmalas, and a psychologically scarring psilohuasca trip.

I found your last logs very relatable and inspiring. And I have the mateiral on hand for pharma. But I am skeptical of how the things that contributed to my current state would help me. I don't know how else I can brake through it. I feel if I am able to let go that it would help because the psychological damage I got was from being consumed by fear and strongly resisting. I have a window coming where I'm completely free so it might be a good moment to go for it. That 230mg fb harmalas and 40mg fb dmt dose sounds about right. I'm curious about your thoughts, and your motivations if any for doing these aya/pharma explorations.

 

[northape]

I only feel emotional and tear up on silly happy anime scenes or movie endings haha. But when it comes to myself and life events, I'm dry as a desert.

I think it just feels like you are dry. Don't fixate on this so-called problem; just let it all be.
If you try to experience something novel, emotions come back more easily.
Maybe go abroad, climb a mountain, or volunteer somewhere.

Emotional life is all about sharing your time with others and connecting to life.
Medicine builds our awareness and detachment. You can't be the same naive person as before,
so don't try to blame the tool. Instead, search for the root of this issue.

But I am skeptical of how the things that contributed to my current state would help me.

More light helps with a lack of it. Ultimately, it all depends on you and how you use this tool.
Don't hide from anything; instead, embrace everything you find problematic or out of order.

This life isn't about us at all. Life flows through you and guides your organism.
The entire Cosmos created your situation, so don't try to fix it; let it bloom instead.

 

[blig-blug]

I feel you @Sakkadelic . I'm going to give some advice from my perspective, but don't take it as any kind of expert advice: I don't know how similar our situations are/were, and it's not like I managed or manage everything well. The intention is just to offer you my perspective in case you can take something useful from it.

My problem is that this state became permanent (depersonalization/derealization) and I'm no longer able to feel, by that I mean, I am rarely overwhelmed by emotions.

I've been there too, in the past. When the mind has felt at a level of stress or danger that was identified as too extreme, that shutdown happens. My advice is to look at it as a survival mechanism, something trying to help and protect you, and not something against you that you must get rid of.
In my case, before my derealization, I was always too emotionally unstable: quickly overrun and ruled by emotions that I perceived to be too intense. After that led to some very painful situations, a feeling of derealization imposed itself more and more. After some years, I started alternating between the emotional instability of the past and episodes of derealization. But over time I have been able to integrate those two together, and now I rarely am in any of those two extremes. In my case, it was a process of initial immaturity, then (involuntary) overcorrection to protect myself from it, and finally slow integration of both sides into a more stable whole.

I only feel emotional and tear up on silly happy anime scenes or movie endings haha

Well, that proves that the ability to feel is still there, intact. Maybe it comes out in those situations because they aren't perceived as threatening or dangerous. Some people shut down so much that they can't even let themselves feel through fiction, so I think it's a good sign that you can.

I really just want to feel again, sometimes I feel it coming but immediately my brain panics and shuts it down in half a second

And what happens after it's shut down? If you become frustrated afterwards because it was shut down and you wanted to feel it, that's probably a good spot where you can work: try to let yourself be OK with the fact that your brain saw it coming and shut it down. You can start cooling things off on that end. Imagine a little kid that reacts to something that was negative in the past by covering his eyes: the way to get him to dare keep his eyes open again is not to scream at him or get frustrated at him, first he needs to be reassured that he's okay, that it's not wrong to react that way, even if he doesn't need to.

Another question. Are you able to induce in yourself a momentary feeling of happiness or love? For example, by smiling and focusing on the sensation of the smile, by thinking of a puppy/kitten/baby, by having some kind of positive good thought. The question is not if you can sustain that feeling, but if you can feel it at least for a single mind moment, a split of a second. If you can, that's something that can be trained. Something that really impacted me in a positive way was realizing that thoughts and feelings don't just "come" to me: they are mind actions. I'm doing them. That doesn't mean that I consciously choose them every time: much like any other action, one has habits, some positive, some negative. If you're able to induce a feeling of gladness, love, or relief for a single mind moment, something you could do is to train on doing that. You can set apart some time for following the breath and, while you do that, induce those feelings. They will likely come and quickly disappear: no problem, you can make them come again. After some practice, you start getting some inertia going, and it becomes easier and easier. You can do it also whenever you catch yourself with negative feelings (in my experience, behind the apparent emotionlessness of derealization there are actually many negative feelings). Training the mind in this way, it's not unlikely that the fears around feeling start relaxing. All this has helped me personally a lot.

I'm curious about your thoughts, and your motivations if any for doing these aya/pharma explorations.

My motivations are several. On one side, there's the classic curiosity and willingness to explore what psychedelics reveal in us. That has been with me for many years already. But when I started experimenting with psychedelics, I was in the "emotional instability" phase I mentioned above, and psychedelics contributed to catalize it into a situation of open, unsustainable crisis. Even though I'm grateful for those experiences and think they helped, I was very reckless and my patterns of use were not positive. Now, after several years of little to no psychedelic use and a lot of growth and improvement, I wanted to start exploring again, but in a productive and more responsible way.
Other of my motivations for my aya/pharma experiences is to assist my process of integration, that is, to accept and understand how painful (and even some non-painful) situations of my past are part of me now, instead of being scared of them or reject them. I did a lot of that in therapy, but I stopped therapy over two years ago. Ayahuasca has been helping me a lot with that, many "selves" (just patterns of thought and behavior) of my past that I was starting to ignore again have been reawakened, but in a very calm, understanding way. It's a work in progress.
Lastly, Ayahuasca is helping me to be honest to myself, and keeping myself accountable. I have seen during some experiences how I have deceived myself or ignored what I know is right for me, and if I don't act on it, Ayahuasca really holds me accountable. More than a compass, it's something that helps me pay attention to the compass.

About my thoughts on what you mentioned of taking pharmahuasca to help with these issues of derealization. I do think I could help. But it could be good to approach it slowly and calmly, to establish a relationship with the substance instead of hoping for a "kick in the butt" that will set you in the right course. It sounds like you've had plenty of those "beating ups" already (like I did in my past), maybe it's time to try some gentleness. You could try some very low doses at the beginning, and slowly go up. That's what I've done with aya/pharma, and unlike my past psychedelic experiences in the past, it has meant that the difficult experiences haven't been scarring, because I have been building up to them and I feel comfortable in the space. This is the first period in my life where my psychedelic experiences are mostly positive. So it's what I would suggest (together with what I mentioned above of training the mind).

By the way, throughout this comment I've made many assumptions about your situation being similar to mine in some respects. Disregard whichever of those are wrong

 

[blig-blug]

XIII log update:

Dose: 230mg harmala freebase @ T-00:30 + 40mg DMT freebase @ T+00:00 + 30mg DMT @ T+1:50. In orange juice, with empty stomach. Ate a slice of bread with the first DMT dose.

This time, I was in a different, cooler room to avoid having to think about the temperature. I had a much lighter antihistamine early in the morning, to avoid the interferences the stronger antihistamine apparently had last time (they're cutting all the hay so my allergies are improving anyways). I also ate lighter and much earlier, around 7 hours in advance. I will eat even lighter next time. My intention for this time was "contacting my body" and being more aware of it during the experience.

An important note: to avoid having to insert constant caveats, I've written important parts of my experience as I felt them there. This doesn't mean I see it in that exact way now, although I do see important parts of it like that. I have to integrate it.

I started sitting down on a chair at first, as I wanted to see how it would be in a different posture. When the first dose finally hit, the physical energetic feelings were extremely strong, and I started moving my head in circles for some reason. I attempted to be in an erect posture, but the sensations became too overwhelming and I finally bent forward. While that was happening, I was surprised about how it could be "overwhelming": I knew nothing bad was going to happen. Still, I felt unable to remain erect. Not long after that, I suddenly had to purge. It was just a little bit of bile, but I felt very relieved and the energy became more mellow. After that, I decided to lie down. I again felt the sense of clarity, I could examine last week and see my failings and successes in my behavior, together with many ideas of how to improve. Towards the tail of that first dose, I felt very happy, with a sense of physical and mental wellbeing. I "danced" to some of the music by moving my legs and arms in the air while laying down. Once I felt like I could move well and had regained coordination, I had the second dose.

It felt like the onset for the second dose took a long time. I know it took at least 20 minutes based on the music I was listening to. It started very slowly, and I was thinking that maybe my stomach was too full still for it to be intense or something like that. I also was considering that, while the experience had been good and productive so far, it had been quite light compared to last time. But bearing in mind how difficult it had been last time, it made sense after all. The light part was actually about to be over...

The effects started to increase in strength, and I observed how my mind was getting caught on arguing with itself about irrelevant day-to-day issues, clearly to avoid paying attention to what was happening, putting a minor "wrong" thing in its place so I could feel that I was dealing with my difficulties. After realizing that, I cut it short once and again by redirecting my attention to my breath. I had already been doing that throughout this trip, and it was very helpful to maintain mental clarity. I also told myself that was going to face directly whatever came, no matter what it was, that I had chosen this and could deal with it.

Suddenly, the same feelings and sensations that had appeared last time appeared again. The exact same, it was almost unbelievable, like being again at the same point in time. The visuals faded completely. I was feeling extremely hot and removed most of my clothes. I could feel an intense pain in my eye and neck, going down my arm. But it wasn't only the pain: there was a struggle, a sense that I was going to die, that was it, that was the end, I'm dying. Struggle to stay alive and physical agony. The overwhelming heat, and immense difficulty breathing. However, this time I was able to remain aware that this was NOT what was actually happening. I was about to believe I was having some real, physical problem a couple of times, but was able to stay out of the idea for the most. I decided to "embody" whatever that was, to fully experience it without either believing it or looking away.

Once again, the same recurrent ideas of a fetus gaining awareness came to me. I could feel that non-verbal awareness, it was full of fear and struggle. The realization came to me that at one point, I had been part of the same organism my mother was. This is a trivial idea, but I could really feel it. Then I was the consciousness of my mother, in some kind of weakened way, and it weakened and weakened until again that fetus awareness emerged. Again, the pain, heat and struggle. My neck was very tense, I couldn't hold it straight or bent forwards, it had to be cramped backwards.

I experienced this state for what felt like an eternity. I perceived it as a great truth. That's what we are, that's how we start. That's what life itself is. Then I could see how that feeling of pain and struggle had followed me, I saw (by the way, in all this section "saw" actually means a diffuse mental image, like when one remembers a memory, with many bodily feelings, not a stronger type of vision, although at some points I don't really know) myself as a child withdrawing from others into my mind because I was scared. No one had explained me the rules of this or what life was about, I came directly from the pain and had to learn how to manage it. I had been alone and without any comfort. I thought at one point I will be able to comfort myself, to generate for myself what I had not been given when I needed it. I thought of my friends and my girlfriend, how I often push them away, and it's all this same fear, this pain, this struggle.

I saw my grandparents. Both languishing in a retirement home. My grandmother losing her mind, regressing to childhood. Which I understood in that moment: you can spend your whole life running away from your birth and reality, running forward, but at the end it will catch up with you, so you must REMEMBER and handle it here and now. My grandfather being less and less interested in the world, slowly falling in a daze, waiting to die. Back to fetus awareness. From there, to nothing.

I thought how we must come to terms with all of that and grow. We need to remember it at every moment. How I could see it in that moment, but I was going to slowly forget again, and I must fight that. I had been aware of many of this as a young child but couldn't understand it or manage it. I had become aware of it again when I first tried psychedelics and my mental balance completely collapsed, I can see now how I still couldn't understand or manage it. Now I was understanding and could deal with it. Now I must not forget again.

Towards the end of the experience, I went to open the door of the room so my girlfriend would know that she could come in (she was again in her own experience and that is the agreed signal that we're ready to interact again). Coincidentally, she opened her door at the same time, and we both laughed. We hugged each other for a long time in bed. After what I had experience, this felt very good and safe. She was crying at some points, later she told me her experience had been very challenging as well. We listened to music together for a while and then went out to walk the dog in the night.

It was very dark outside, and raining. With lightning far away. We could see almost nothing, but it was fun to walk in almost complete darkness, very slowly, like in a different world. We talked about our experiences and about the strangeness of reality, and how lucky we are that we have access to these experiences, even if they're difficult.

During the night, it stormed and rained a lot. I remember having some dreams that were related to the experience, but don't remember the specifics. I didn't sleep many hours or well, but this morning I felt very refreshed.

I have a lot to think about now. I know I must keep remembering, and when I start getting caught into my own stories or societies', to remember again. I know I'm going to have to experience this more times. I'm almost sure it's an actual memory of pain from when I was being born. I think experiencing it from an adult point, "embodying" it as I have been able to do this time, will be very helpful. I wish I could be having ethereal, beautiful experiences with visions, but I will have plenty of time for that. This is what I have to deal with now, what must be done.

 

[northape]

I have a lot to think about now. I know I must keep remembering, and when I start getting caught into my own stories or societies', to remember again. I know I'm going to have to experience this more times. I'm almost sure it's an actual memory of pain from when I was being born. I think experiencing it from an adult point, "embodying" it as I have been able to do this time, will be very helpful. I wish I could be having ethereal, beautiful experiences with visions, but I will have plenty of time for that. This is what I have to deal with now, what must be done.

That's what true medicine is, my friend. It's not about visions or grandiose insights into the fabric of reality, but about you and your own life.
I'm very glad that you found your protocol and started some serious work. Yes, it's difficult, but what isn't? Only real effort can produce results.
Many people talk about spirituality, but very few decide to actually look inside.

As the great sage said: birth, illness, old age, and death are suffering. These four are the major ones in this life, and no one escapes them.
In my humble opinion, spirituality is all about awareness / wisdom. Unconditional love is just an inevitable result.
May light shine upon your path and lead you home

 

[doubledog]

I really like your approach and thoughts
If you want something to read, Stanislav Grof's books are a good piece of literature about psychedelics and birth memories.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I don't know why this is my first time jumping into this wonderful thread. Well I do...

However, this is very encouraging. There's a lot to catch up on and I apologize that I have yet to read it all.

I am curious as to if you ever work with any freebase alkaloids at all? I tend to just encapsulate and eat (or just eat) some freebase harmalas and dissolve the DMT into some lemon water and take that about 30 minutes later. I have yet to work with the mimosa plant itself. I tend to hold a lot of tension in my gut which adds to the already high sensitivity.

One love

 

[blig-blug]

If you want something to read, Stanislav Grof's books are a good piece of literature about psychedelics and birth memories

I read some of Grof's writings on that topic years ago, I found it interesting but way too far-fetched at the moment, surely he waa just arbitrarily imposing a given interpretation on certain experiences... Now I'm going to read them again, it's clear to me that it's much less arbitrary than I thought. So I have to reconsider my stance.

I think in the end it's not extremely important to know if the memories are real or not: it's something that is in me and that is causing pain and has been for a long time. So paying attention to it and reexperiencing it from a centered, adult standpoint will be helpful in any case.

However I know from my mother that the doctor performed a maneuver that's considered dangerous and counterproductive (but it's sadly still common here, transmitted from doctor to doctor as it hasn't been officially taught in decades) when I was being born. From what I've been looking up today, I suspect my arm may have gotten stuck under the pubic bone and the brachial plexus nerves had an overstretching lesion, those heal in some months and affect the side of the neck, eye and upper arm. I'll ask her next time I see her and see if that happened.

However, this is very encouraging. There's a lot to catch up on and I apologize that I have yet to read it all.

Don't worry, because I write these logs for myself, writing it helps me put some order on the experience. I'm both happy and surprised when other people sometimes find them interested!

I am curious as to if you ever work with any freebase alkaloids at all?

Yes, that's what I've done for my last three experiences. Mimosa was very harsh on my stomach and my body tended to vomit it after some hours, without absorbing much DMT. I also tend to feel stress in my gut, so it all compounded too much. I will try mimosa and rue again in the future when I feel I have a better handle of these difficult memories or whatever they are that come. I suppose technically they're not freebase anymore when I take them because they have been dissolved in acidic orange juice, but my current method is very similar to what you describe, with a slice of bread to kickstart digestion and some lemon essential oil drops for a calmer stomach (and better flavored vomit ).

 

[Sakkadelic]

I think it just feels like you are dry. Don't fixate on this so-called problem; just let it all be.
If you try to experience something novel, emotions come back more easily.
Maybe go abroad, climb a mountain, or volunteer somewhere.

Emotional life is all about sharing your time with others and connecting to life.
Medicine builds our awareness and detachment. You can't be the same naive person as before,
so don't try to blame the tool. Instead, search for the root of this issue.

More light helps with a lack of it. Ultimately, it all depends on you and how you use this tool.
Don't hide from anything; instead, embrace everything you find problematic or out of order.

@northape, I think you're spot on all these points.
I am dry by nature but this more extreme permanent state has been ongoing for at least 7 years and I somewhat accepted it. more recently due to external uncontrolled events I became even more separated from myself and sometimes It gets pretty desperate. It's harder to connect with others that are emotional that can't relate and might perceive it as not caring or even as psychopathic behavior.

I don't mean to blame the tool but those instances I mentioned were moments that I felt part of myself/brain shutting down, as opposed to the first time I fell in love where I felt a part of myself bigger than myself suddenly open up. and those moments were manifestations and augmentations of my own fears and insecurities and my brain reacted in the only way it knew to protect itself.

This life isn't about us at all. Life flows through you and guides your organism.
The entire Cosmos created your situation, so don't try to fix it; let it bloom instead.

early on when it started I had the thought that my previous feeling of being alive was kind of fake, dependent on external presence and events, and thought I should get to a point where the feeling of being alive emanates and flows from within. I like the way you put it better, because of course I am just a drop in the river.



@blig-blug thanks I really appreciate it! and sorry for hijacking your post, I wanted your perspective.

I've been there too, in the past. When the mind has felt at a level of stress or danger that was identified as too extreme, that shutdown happens. My advice is to look at it as a survival mechanism, something trying to help and protect you, and not something against you that you must get rid of.

yes it definitely is and it's a very effective mechanism. often people tell me how can you be so at ease when they know a lot of stressful things are going on. I like to reply with this line "My ease like the devil, is self cunning". in my case I seem to be drifting more and more into depersonalization, and I do hope for some bounce back and a more balanced state like you describe. while I am ok being like this, it's hard not to feel unhuman and bad about yourself when emotional events happen like the death of close ones and you're only mentally engaged.

Well, that proves that the ability to feel is still there, intact. Maybe it comes out in those situations because they aren't perceived as threatening or dangerous. Some people shut down so much that they can't even let themselves feel through fiction, so I think it's a good sign that you can.

precisely!

And what happens after it's shut down? If you become frustrated afterwards because it was shut down and you wanted to feel it, that's probably a good spot where you can work: try to let yourself be OK with the fact that your brain saw it coming and shut it down. You can start cooling things off on that end. Imagine a little kid that reacts to something that was negative in the past by covering his eyes: the way to get him to dare keep his eyes open again is not to scream at him or get frustrated at him, first he needs to be reassured that he's okay, that it's not wrong to react that way, even if he doesn't need to.

yeah there I was talking more generally about the feeling of being alive. and in some random moments I feel it coming and I recognize it because I still remember how it was before. it is a sudden shift in the quality of "being" and it feels so overwhelming and my brain immediately puts the brakes on that, that 0.5 sec was a precise number haha so I don't have the chance to let it happen.

Another question. Are you able to induce in yourself a momentary feeling of happiness or love? For example, by smiling and focusing on the sensation of the smile, by thinking of a puppy/kitten/baby, by having some kind of positive good thought. The question is not if you can sustain that feeling, but if you can feel it at least for a single mind moment, a split of a second. If you can, that's something that can be trained. Something that really impacted me in a positive way was realizing that thoughts and feelings don't just "come" to me: they are mind actions. I'm doing them. That doesn't mean that I consciously choose them every time: much like any other action, one has habits, some positive, some negative. If you're able to induce a feeling of gladness, love, or relief for a single mind moment, something you could do is to train on doing that. You can set apart some time for following the breath and, while you do that, induce those feelings. They will likely come and quickly disappear: no problem, you can make them come again. After some practice, you start getting some inertia going, and it becomes easier and easier. You can do it also whenever you catch yourself with negative feelings (in my experience, behind the apparent emotionlessness of derealization there are actually many negative feelings). Training the mind in this way, it's not unlikely that the fears around feeling start relaxing. All this has helped me personally a lot.

I have not tried that but yes I do have all kinds of feelings especially when I am not conscious about it but the moment my mind engages and the way I handle, think, and deal with everything in my life is so detached and unemotional. I'll try to induce feelings as you describe in a mindful way when I'm feeling more neutral, now reading your words and replying is making me smile and that's not self induced. You may be right about this "training" approach, I'm on the complete opposite and everything I do is so chaotic and unplanned, maybe I need some more intentionality and self discipline, I usually bundle that under "cultivating motivation" and discard it.

My motivations are several. On one side, there's the classic curiosity and willingness to explore what psychedelics reveal in us. That has been with me for many years already. But when I started experimenting with psychedelics, I was in the "emotional instability" phase I mentioned above, and psychedelics contributed to catalize it into a situation of open, unsustainable crisis. Even though I'm grateful for those experiences and think they helped, I was very reckless and my patterns of use were not positive. Now, after several years of little to no psychedelic use and a lot of growth and improvement, I wanted to start exploring again, but in a productive and more responsible way.
Other of my motivations for my aya/pharma experiences is to assist my process of integration, that is, to accept and understand how painful (and even some non-painful) situations of my past are part of me now, instead of being scared of them or reject them. I did a lot of that in therapy, but I stopped therapy over two years ago. Ayahuasca has been helping me a lot with that, many "selves" (just patterns of thought and behavior) of my past that I was starting to ignore again have been reawakened, but in a very calm, understanding way. It's a work in progress.
Lastly, Ayahuasca is helping me to be honest to myself, and keeping myself accountable. I have seen during some experiences how I have deceived myself or ignored what I know is right for me, and if I don't act on it, Ayahuasca really holds me accountable. More than a compass, it's something that helps me pay attention to the compass.

About my thoughts on what you mentioned of taking pharmahuasca to help with these issues of derealization. I do think I could help. But it could be good to approach it slowly and calmly, to establish a relationship with the substance instead of hoping for a "kick in the butt" that will set you in the right course. It sounds like you've had plenty of those "beating ups" already (like I did in my past), maybe it's time to try some gentleness. You could try some very low doses at the beginning, and slowly go up. That's what I've done with aya/pharma, and unlike my past psychedelic experiences in the past, it has meant that the difficult experiences haven't been scarring, because I have been building up to them and I feel comfortable in the space. This is the first period in my life where my psychedelic experiences are mostly positive. So it's what I would suggest (together with what I mentioned above of training the mind).

By the way, throughout this comment I've made many assumptions about your situation being similar to mine in some respects. Disregard whichever of those are wrong

it does sound similar to where I'm at and been through and I've been wanting to start exploring again and prepared the gear but haven't jumped back in because I'm at a transitional phase in my life and things are going so fast and my part of the world is in flames and I'm scared of further mental dissolution. I did a couple low dose changa trips and they were positive. I do feel that I am quite honest with myself but I lack self accountability and acting on the insights I get. I guess I've been too passive and I should try and be more active even if it feels like I am fooling myself. I grew up in an environment where love and sensitivity and genuinity are ridiculed, it's hard to brake away from that without breaking away with friends from that environment but I've been working on a slow distancing rather than a direct conflict. I'm happy to have a place here on the nexus where I can share freely.

yes you're right I've had plenty of those "beating ups" and as northape said I can't keep acting like the naive person I was. but yes I also agree that the foolishness of the past helped shape the person I am now which despite everything I am glad to be. Gentleness it is! it's a good idea to start low, it's always there and I can reach out for more if needed. perhaps I'll go a bit lower on the harmalas and split the 40mg dose in 2 like you're doing. and if it doesn't feel like I've gone deep enough I'll wait for another opportunity and take moar.

Thank you both for your insights and helping me think more clearly about my situation.

I have a lot to think about now. I know I must keep remembering, and when I start getting caught into my own stories or societies', to remember again. I know I'm going to have to experience this more times. I'm almost sure it's an actual memory of pain from when I was being born. I think experiencing it from an adult point, "embodying" it as I have been able to do this time, will be very helpful. I wish I could be having ethereal, beautiful experiences with visions, but I will have plenty of time for that. This is what I have to deal with now, what must be done.

That's very interesting about the birth trauma, and also the part about the "fetus gaining awareness". I'm looking forward to hear more about your future explorations and hoping you'll face it and overcome it and move on to blissful visions. I'm hoping I get to that too one day haha. it also makes me think whether all the wild and crazy mental stuff I went through in my childhood might have been due to trauma from circumcision.

 

[blig-blug]

sorry for hijacking your post

There's no hijacking at all, I'm happy that other related conversations take place here

my brain immediately puts the brakes on that, that 0.5 sec was a precise number haha so I don't have the chance to let it happen

Yes, what I meant is to let the shutting down happen, just observe it and see how it happens. The idea would be to avoid the chain initiated by the shutting down to continue with other negative feelings such as frustration.

I'm at a transitional phase in my life and things are going so fast and my part of the world is in flames and I'm scared of further mental dissolution

It's good that you're being careful, then. Particularly if there's a lot of violence going on where you live. I have never lived through anything of that type, but have observed how in other, lesser crisis situations, the fear, hatred, and anger that appears in the general population can be much more influential than one would think (I suppose you know about that better than I do). Going slowly into it and being very aware seems like a good plan.

I do feel that I am quite honest with myself

Sometimes one can be dishonest to oneself not in hiding negative aspects but positive ones. I tend to be very harsh on myself and very critical, and my experiences have been helping me to see that a big chunk of my particular dishonesty to myself is much more about forgetting that certain "problems" aren't really important, and considering myself to be much worse morally than I am.

now reading your words and replying is making me smile and that's not self induced

Now I'm smiling too

Just to clarify, what I mean is not that every emotion is consciously decided and executed, but that they are an action. Think, for example, of the reflex to use your arms to protect yourself when falling. It's not voluntary and may not even be conscious, but it's still an action you're doing yourself, and it can be trained to be different. For example, when learning to jump into a swimming pool one learns to not act in that protective way. Or when learning to fall down in judo or another martial art, one learns to protect oneself in a specific manner that is not the original, instinctive one. Feelings and ideas are very much like that, I think.

Another example: there was a time where I was under a lot of stress, and I started to pull my facial hair. At first I was more or less aware, it was one hair here, one hair there. Over time, it became more and more automatic, and at one point I could pull whole chunks of hair without being aware of it at all. It was difficult to stop doing that, but in the end I was able to retrain that and stop. Destructive feelings, lack of feelings, etc. can be trained in a similar manner.

I usually bundle that under "cultivating motivation" and discard it

I totally get that. It may seem something related to "manifesting" (no insult to anyone that believes in that, but I personally don't, and consider it actively harmful). But there's a difference: this is not about denying reality, but quite the opposite. Most of the time, one is actually fine, the external situation is fine in that moment. There's no real danger. Then, training oneself to feel content and fine when the external situation is, at the moment, fine, is not fooling oneself but learning to bring feeling in tune with reality. Trauma and a neurotic culture train us to be constantly on guard, scanning the environment and our minds looking for danger, and trying to foresee it by considering all that could go wrong (often to extents that aren't very realistic). So it's about undoing that training, not about training to distort reality.

Gentleness it is! it's a good idea to start low, it's always there and I can reach out for more if needed. perhaps I'll go a bit lower on the harmalas and split the 40mg dose in 2 like you're doing. and if it doesn't feel like I've gone deep enough I'll wait for another opportunity and take moar.

Sounds like a good plan! I also have to remind myself that there will be more opportunities. In my experience, learning to appreciate weak experiences has helped me to also appreciate strong ones more.

I grew up in an environment where love and sensitivity and genuinity are ridiculed

Me too, as you say any expression of genuine emotion was punished by mockery and mean-spirited questioning. In my case it was mostly about positive emotions, negative ones were more allowed. That has left in me very critical tendencies that prevent me from some behaviors that require some genuine, spontaneous behavior. For example, I can't dance. When I try to do so (being alone), I notice a freeze reaction appearing and I become more and more stiff, so I can't really move other than if I consciously plan every movement.

the part about the "fetus gaining awareness

Yes, that has been coming up for me very insistently. I'm thinking a lot these days how every human being has been there at one point, every human being at one point had a mind that was not human in the sense we understand it. And we were completely vulnerable and defenseless to the extent that only a person on the verge of death could be. It's just a very strange situation, and the fact that it's strange is in itself strange, as there's nothing more natural. How much are we trying to run away from that reality, particularly in the way that it ties with death? I often hear people say "I don't fear death because of not being alive anymore, but because of the process of dying". That "process of dying" is likely the process of a fully formed human mind going back to more primitive forms, until it finally goes back to nothing. Just food for thought, it's not that I have a specific point to make here.

hoping you'll face it and overcome it and move on to blissful visions

Interestingly, the first time this whole birth topic appeared in a way I could recognize the topic, it was in a very blissful way: X log update I wonder if it needed to be presented that way at first so I didn't reject it without recognizing what was going on, as I've done in the past.

it also makes me think whether all the wild and crazy mental stuff I went through in my childhood might have been due to trauma from circumcision

I don't know if it will be the single experience that it all comes from, but it sounds reasonable to me to assume that such an experience has to leave at least some degree of trauma, potentially a lot. If an adult person was kidnapped, strapped to a table, and mutilated (I mean this from the pain part, I'm not trying to pass cultural judgement), no one would be surprised that it would result in trauma. A baby is much more defenseless, has less emotional resources, and doesn't understand anything of what's going on in such a situation. The same would apply for other surgical procedures. Many events that to an adult are just unpleasant can be experienced by babies as life-or-death.

All my support in your way to balance and wholeness. As you say, it's great that here we have a space to share all of this without judgement with people who understand

 

[Sakkadelic]

It's good that you're being careful, then. Particularly if there's a lot of violence going on where you live. I have never lived through anything of that type, but have observed how in other, lesser crisis situations, the fear, hatred, and anger that appears in the general population can be much more influential than one would think (I suppose you know about that better than I do). Going slowly into it and being very aware seems like a good plan.

Yeah fortunately I'm not there now but being away does not make it easier and has its own sufferings. It's been our reality for a long time, people try to live as normally as they can, it's amazing how resilient humans can be.

Sometimes one can be dishonest to oneself not in hiding negative aspects but positive ones. I tend to be very harsh on myself and very critical, and my experiences have been helping me to see that a big chunk of my particular dishonesty to myself is much more about forgetting that certain "problems" aren't really important, and considering myself to be much worse morally than I am.

Why does it feel so not virtous to value the positive things in oneslef. I'm sure other people have it the other way around.
I had a similar realization on yopo, that I put so much unecessary weight on myself, during the trip it all came off and life felt so light, but as I came down, it climbed back on.
Feeling bad/negative is sometimes a way of justifying being stagnant, or other negative qualities, and I hold on to it. Something like "I'm being a useless piece of shit, oh well at least I'm feeling bad about it".

For example, when learning to jump into a swimming pool one learns to not act in that protective way. Or when learning to fall down in judo or another martial art, one learns to protect oneself in a specific manner that is not the original, instinctive one.

I wanted to mention something like that in my previous reply but forgot. A couple of weeks ago I tried surfing for the first time, and I didn't manage to learn it, but I noticed how when I get rolled over, I instantly scramble to reach for the board and hold on, as if I'm gonna die right away if I don't. Yes I nearly drowned in a lake a few years back and had my first ever panic attack, and I don't feel comfortable in the water yet. But I have like 30 sec before I start drowning so I can chill a bit and calmly reach the board. I see your point better now!

It was difficult to stop doing that, but in the end I was able to retrain that and stop.

I'm glad you beat it too!
Are we chickens? what weird creatures we all are.

I totally get that. It may seem something related to "manifesting"

To me it's more like, I don't need motivation, i'll "just do it" :b
I don't know why it's so hard for me to actively do anything, I never begin anything until it's too late, I still get it well done but at the very last moment and after some miracles (they only happen when you need them the most, otherwise it's not so miraculous, so you gotta prep the ground for it, by not prepping). I never went to a gym. I never followed a diet. I never did anything in a consistent way. Consistency is so limiting. Simultaneously I feel so controlled by my mind but still so chaotic. Like northape said, I'm not gonna try and fight it. I don't think I can. But I always tell myself not to hold on to any images of myself because it's self limiting. Damn you and your circular logic!

Me too, as you say any expression of genuine emotion was punished by mockery and mean-spirited questioning. In my case it was mostly about positive emotions, negative ones were more allowed. That has left in me very critical tendencies that prevent me from some behaviors that require some genuine, spontaneous behavior. For example, I can't dance. When I try to do so (being alone), I notice a freeze reaction appearing and I become more and more stiff, so I can't really move other than if I consciously plan every movement.

I would have believed it if you told me I wrote those words!
The only time I ever truly danced was drunk in a random bar in paris where a band was playing 70s rock and people started a moshpit. It felt so liberating.

Yes, that has been coming up for me very insistently. I'm thinking a lot these days how every human being has been there at one point, every human being at one point had a mind that was not human in the sense we understand it. And we were completely vulnerable and defenseless to the extent that only a person on the verge of death could be. It's just a very strange situation, and the fact that it's strange is in itself strange, as there's nothing more natural. How much are we trying to run away from that reality, particularly in the way that it ties with death? I often hear people say "I don't fear death because of not being alive anymore, but because of the process of dying". That "process of dying" is likely the process of a fully formed human mind going back to more primitive forms, until it finally goes back to nothing. Just food for thought, it's not that I have a specific point to make here.

Yes I find it so strange to think I was a child, and then reading your logs, I had the mental image of being pulled out of my mother's womb, and that was so shocking. How is that thing me in any way? was it a blank slate? it can't be, I don't believe that, but then what is it? And then being taken on ayahuasca further back inside the womb to when awarness first sparked, that's crazy wild!
Yes, the only thing that comes close is death. I don't know, I assume the strangess comes from our perception of it being finite, having a beginning and an end, when everything is truly infinite.
When you wrote about your grandma losing her mind and regressing to childhood, I thought of the avergae person (no offense to her, everyone is special), it seemed to make sense, to get back to the same state you began with. And I thought of "enlightened" people and how some keep their mental faculties sharp until the very end, in particular I thought of this writer, perhaps when you "see" it, you can maintain that awarness till the end and hopefully not eat the apple again.
I'm also just putting some thoughts not trying to make a theory or anything.

I don't know if it will be the single experience that it all comes from, but it sounds reasonable to me to assume that such an experience has to leave at least some degree of trauma, potentially a lot.

Yeah I am not sure if it really is about that, but the crazy mental space I lived in where the whole world was conspiring against me including my parents that would shape shift whenever I turn my back and I could see their dark shadows on the walls, was somehow all centered around my penis lol. Not in any sexual way at all, I was too young to even understand that. I'm not gonna go more in detail I can already hear everyone laughing haha :b. But yeah I don't know why it was like that, maybe also bcz in my culture it's so taboo to show your private parts that I thought It must be "The Secret".

 

[blig-blug]

Why does it feel so not virtous to value the positive things in oneslef.

I think some cultures focus a lot on guilt and sin, and some people in those cultures do so even more. In my case, my family is culturally (more than religiously) Catholic, and my parents' mindset has always been dominated by that moral framework. Everyone is a sinner and must ask for forgiveness constantly, a forgiveness that is never deserved.
I do agree that the opposite extreme is dangerous and negative too, but it's like we're oversensitive to that danger while almost blind to the danger of constant guilt and self debasing.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to actively do anything, I never begin anything until it's too late, I still get it well done but at the very last moment and after some miracles (they only happen when you need them the most, otherwise it's not so miraculous, so you gotta prep the ground for it, by not prepping). I never went to a gym. I never followed a diet. I never did anything in a consistent way. Consistency is so limiting.

I have similar experiences. Nowadays I'm more consistent in some aspects, but in others it's still the same. I think it may stem partly from the perception of consistency resulting from some externally imposed structure, instead of a free choice by myself. I may start a thread about procrastination, it seems to be a very common issue, even though I suspect the causes behind vary from some people to other.

Yes, the only thing that comes close is death. I don't know, I assume the strangess comes from our perception of it being finite, having a beginning and an end, when everything is truly infinite.

Also maybe from a perception of our current state of consciousness as normality, when it's also quite extraordinary once you start looking closely. It's likely that a very immature fetus is mentally closer to what is "normal" for most chordates (such as worms) than us.

And I thought of "enlightened" people and how some keep their mental faculties sharp until the very end, in particular I thought of this writer, perhaps when you "see" it, you can maintain that awarness till the end and hopefully not eat the apple again

I've also read about some old monks that, thanks to the development of their faculties, were able to handle in a dignified way issues like dementia, instead of living in fear and confusion, regressing to infantile ways of living. They could experience brain dysfunction without the need to act on it (even if it still made their lives more difficult).

the crazy mental space I lived in where the whole world was conspiring against me including my parents that would shape shift whenever I turn my back and I could see their dark shadows on the walls, was somehow all centered around my penis lol. Not in any sexual way at all, I was too young to even understand that. I'm not gonna go more in detail I can already hear everyone laughing haha :b

Don't worry, not a laughing matter! We all have our deep fears, and they usually sound absurd when said out loud. In a way they are, but not in a "how could you be so stupid to be scared of that" way but in a "you don't need to fear that anymore" way. And that can only be reached through experience I think, by seeing it. Reasoning about it won't go beyond a certain point, and can easily be more harmful if it leads to frustration or (more) shame.

 

[blig-blug]

XIV log update:

Dose: 230mg harmala freebase @ T-00:30 + 40mg DMT freebase @ T+00:00 + 30mg DMT @ T+1:50. In orange juice, with empty stomach. Ate a slice of bread with the first DMT dose

This time, my intention was to embody those painful sensations in my eye and body, all that tension. I intended to keep connected to my body and a little bit more anchored in normal reality. I was somewhat nervous because of some changes in the next few days, nothing important but makes me nervous.

During the effects of the first dose, I reflected a lot on my life situation, in some aspects where I want and can have more independence and self reliance, but haven't been doing what I need to do for that due to both fear and complacency. It came to my mind that "freedom only exists at the edge of your comfort zone", how pushing it is a genuine expression of freedom. It must be mentioned that the peak came very late: usually it's not far from the beginning of the effects, but this time it was an hour later.

On the second dose, I was prepared again for the ordeal of the last two times, but it didn't happen. The eye pain, tension, disappearance of the visuals, feeling overheated etc. did come, but it was less strong and less immersive. In the moment I was disappointed at being less immersed, but now I realize that I was actually performing well my intention of being more anchored to my body and reality. The reduced pain and anguish seem to be a good sign. This time there were very good memories of my childhood, and there was nothing directly related to fetuses or birth for the first time in maybe six experiences. I take this to mean that the integration is going well, I've been reflecting a lot on pregnancy and birth, both mine and in general.

Towards the end, I was much more clear-headed than usual. I went with my girlfriend on our now usual night walk, and she commented that her experience had been less immersive as well.

I take all of this as a good sign. The waters on that area of my mind seem to be more calmed down, and maybe it will be time to move to a different topic. Shanon says that Ayahuasca often seems to have "cycles" of different topics, like sets of lessons in a school, so maybe it's like that. Next time, I'll be open to whatever comes without a specific intention, to try to see what's the next step.