Exploring PTSD and Potential ADHD

[Voidmatrix]

I'd like to explore PTSD and potential ADHD. Part of me being more compassionate with myself (instead of thinking I'm simply undisciplined, lazy, etc).

I have a diagnosis of PTSD (that may be CPTSD). I was in denial about it for years, thinking that I hadn't been through anything "that bad." That's not very compassionate. I'm flipping the script on that presently. I'm concerned with this as my social experiences seem to be diminishing and/or not going well. One thing in particular is this experience of spectating myself getting hot and bothered in conversation over things that are relatively harmless. I manage this well, but the internal experience and thoughts therein are not what I'd like them to be. I had assumed that this was just because I'm deeply philosophic and passionate about it and so am very particular, but it seems to be more than that, or being a highly sensitive person. There are other things as well, but I'm focusing on this at the moment.

I do not have a diagnosis of ADHD. I would still like to explore it as I feel I may have it. I do plan on seeing a therapist once I have insurance and the funds to do so again. However, there are certain things that seem to be getting worse with age, such as centered focus (without any other external stimuli), easily bored, drained, generally scatter-brained, and "unproductive" and "inconsistent." It got worse when I dropped certain habits like journaling and reading everyday. I still meditate daily. Granted, I've been overwhelmed for a while, don't sleep the best, and do experience depression as well.

This is me just taking some kind of step forward. While this is all on my mind right now, I'm actually doing pretty well today.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Do you microdose? I have a better attitude and mindset when I microdose oral harmalas. If I don't, the things I'm dissatisfied with take center stage and end up poisoning a lot of my other thoughts. Harmalas allow me to focus more on the journey to get to where I want to be.

All best,
JH

Who? Me? You know it! :lol:

I microdose the "holy children" a few times a week.

As much as I love rue, I don't spend time with it as much as I used to. I am going to start tossing in several seeds into my nightly tea blend (sour sop, chamomile, lavender, peppermint, cistus, honey). I did it last night, and enjoyed the flavor and vibe, and while I wonder if it messed up my sleep a little bit, I'm in moderately good spirits today so could care less.

One love

 

[supervilian]

In france ADHD is TDA/H; Trouble Defficit Attention and H for hyperacitivity, it could be with or without hyperactivity, that's why there is the /
Im not well versed into all of it though i think... i think that you might be able to consider having ADHD without the "energetic:frantic" type of personnality.

Absolutely! I have what they refer to as "inattentive ADHD" or I guess just Attention Deficit Disorder that went undiagnosed for way too long because I wasn't hyperactive.

 

[Jungleheart]

@Voidmatrix, you seem super smart and capable. If is possible you are selling yourself short in your ambitions? Maybe you haven't found the right vision to align yourself to that makes the suffering worth it? Maybe the cognitive effects are pushing you to keep going onto the next thing?

All best,
JH

 

[Voidmatrix]

@Voidmatrix, you seem super smart and capable. If is possible you are selling yourself short in your ambitions? Maybe you haven't found the right vision to align yourself to that makes the suffering worth it? Maybe the cognitive effects are pushing you to keep going onto the next thing?

All best,
JH

First of all. Thank you. You're too kind.

Second, you should've seen my face when I read this. You kinda called me out.

I think you're making a lot of insightful points here. Am I selling myself short, probably. Do I notice it? Unfortunately no. Do others? It seems so, which confuses me because I don't notice me selling myself short. I tend to think people may be blowing smoke or i tricked them, and it's a hard trap to get out of.
I think finding the right vision to align myself with to make the suffering worth it (beautifully stated by the way) is apt. Finding direction and feeling firm and good in it is hard.
Cognitive effects make me feel like I won't be at the standard I'd like to to do what I think I want to do.

However, i like these questions and will add them to my inner work.

One love

 

[brokedownpalace10]

First of all. Thank you. You're too kind.

Second, you should've seen my face when I read this. You kinda called me out.

I think you're making a lot of insightful points here. Am I selling myself short, probably. Do I notice it? Unfortunately no. Do others? It seems so, which confuses me because I don't notice me selling myself short. I tend to think people may be blowing smoke or i tricked them, and it's a hard trap to get out of.
I think finding the right vision to align myself with to make the suffering worth it (beautifully stated by the way) is apt. Finding direction and feeling firm and good in it is hard.
Cognitive effects make me feel like I won't be at the standard I'd like to to do what I think I want to do.

However, i like these questions and will add them to my inner work.

One love

I think all I ever wanted in life was for people to think, "He was a good man.".
You?

 

[Voidmatrix]

I think all I ever wanted in life was for people to think, "He was a good man.".
You?

Certainly.

But this is a double edge.

Part of me doesn't want to need what other people think. I'd like to be able to see such in myself. However, wonderful people like many of you here have had to help me. And in that way I'm glad that some here would see me as "a good man."

Also, I find that this can be problematic. What if people don't have the scruples to discern if one is a good man or not? What if they commonly mistake a good man for a bad man? Then should I rely on wanting people to think I'm a good man?

One love

 

[Transform]

You say you have trickster character? Try making fun of your own misery - ham it up to the extreme, push it beyond the ridiculous. Take all of these qualities over which you may find yourself agonising and twist them into diabolically ludicrous theatre.

If this idea appeals to you, how about seeking out lessons or workshops in clowning and physical theatre? You may well have some walls of earnestness that will bring surprising developments if broken down…

It bears repeating this aspect of @jungleheart's comment though - where is it you want to go? Have this in mind before any deprogramming because special perils come to those who embark on such a mission without some clear sense of what the replacement program will be.

 

[Voidmatrix]

You say you have trickster character? Try making fun of your own misery - ham it up to the extreme, push it beyond the ridiculous. Take all of these qualities over which you may find yourself agonising and twist them into diabolically ludicrous theatre.

If this idea appeals to you, how about seeking out lessons or workshops in clowning and physical theatre? You may well have some walls of earnestness that will bring surprising developments if broken down…

It bears repeating this aspect of @jungleheart's comment though - where is it you want to go? Have this in mind before any deprogramming because special perils come to those who embark on such a mission without some clear sense of what the replacement program will be.

Perhaps I will with my own flavor. I tend to be the "trickster" in a mental way, philosophic puzzles, tricks, paradoxes, etc. Maybe I should take up magic again...

And yes, finding direction is hard. So I can guess I just try to "work" on myself until I find it.

One love

 

[Transform]

Perhaps I will with my own flavor. I tend to be the "trickster" in a mental way, philosophic puzzles, tricks, paradoxes, etc. Maybe I should take up magic again...

And yes, finding direction is hard. So I can guess I just try to "work" on myself until I find it.

One love

Oh, it would be awesome if you were to dust off some stage conjuror skills - that would be a perfect excuse to indulge in the theatricality of it!

Do you find any elements of performance come into play during your guidework? There are many useful insights to be gained by studying Performance Skills a little more deeply.

Just to be clear, I absolutely do not think you should necessarily be hamming it up during guidework sessions! I also have little idea how it would be to interact with you IRL, so my suggestions are just as likely to be way off the mark.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Oh, it would be awesome if you were to dust off some stage conjuror skills - that would be a perfect excuse to indulge in the theatricality of it!

Do you find any elements of performance come into play during your guidework? There are many useful insights to be gained by studying Performance Skills a little more deeply.

Just to be clear, I absolutely do not think you should necessarily be hamming it up during guidework sessions! I also have little idea how it would be to interact with you IRL, so my suggestions are just as likely to be way off the mark.

I actually used be quite performer up until about age 22 and then I fell off. I acted in many Shakespeare plays, I performed in several school bands, and used to choreography dances to do at parties with a buddy in college. And then I did a little bit of card magic as well.

I guess in some ways it's still there. I'm notorious for tapping people on the wrong shoulder.

I'm particular about tricks. I'm usually not a fan of pranks. They're not fair. There's nothing to learn (random statements I know, but flows with thoughts occurring on the sidelines).

And yes, guiding is what I'd call an authentic performative event, in that I'm not just trying to fit a role or play a part, but actually elicit and summon the ineffable into the space. I suppose I've just not recognized this too much.

I find the balance as there's often space for play for journeyers in the space as well.



One love

 

[brokedownpalace10]

Certainly.

But this is a double edge.

Part of me doesn't want to need what other people think. I'd like to be able to see such in myself. However, wonderful people like many of you here have had to help me. And in that way I'm glad that some here would see me as "a good man."

Also, I find that this can be problematic. What if people don't have the scruples to discern if one is a good man or not? What if they commonly mistake a good man for a bad man? Then should I rely on wanting people to think I'm a good man?

One love

Good point. Maybe I actually want to feel that I am a good man myself. The validation of others on what's important to you is... important. But, what am I really seeking?
I haven't journeyed in a long while due to life. Now, as you have alluded to a few times, I'm a bit scared. Pray for me that I remember to ask that question. Do I consider myself a good man.

Redemption
It’s so easy to miss
Does it really exist
At all
I will always be alone
To be honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way
Now, if I can just get along with that dude I’m hanging with
Find a way to love him
Me, myself and I
They say you’ve got to love yourself before you can love others
Before you can have any real relationships
Phhhffft, who cares about that
Learn to love yourself weedhopper
Not for the yourself you’re thinking of
For that scared little baby so undeserving of love
Yes, undeserving
By the undeserving so deserving
You did what you could
You tried
Kid
I’m proud of you

 

[Voidmatrix]

Good point. Maybe I actually want to feel that I am a good man myself. The validation of others on what's important to you is... important. But, what am I really seeking?
I haven't journeyed in a long while due to life. Not, as you have alluded to a few times, I'm a bit scared. Pray for me that I remember to ask that question. Do I consider myself a good man.

Redemption
It’s so easy to miss
Does it really exist
At all
I will always be alone
To be honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way
Now, if I can just get along with that dude I’m hanging with
Find a way to love him
Me, myself and I
They say you’ve got to love yourself before you can love others
Before you can have any real relationships
Phhhffft, who cares about that
Learn to love yourself weedhopper
Not for the yourself you’re thinking of
For that scared little baby so undeserving of love
Yes, undeserving
By the undeserving so deserving
You did what you could
You tried
Kid
I’m proud of you

It seems like a balancing act doesn't it? Because I can't help but consider the risk of self-delusion. So it's a fine line of balance, given the context, between how we see ourselves and how others see us. And part of me has a hard time trusting even that!



And thank you for the beautiful poem. I hope you journey soon.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

@Transform a little self deprecating, but here's a funny conversation I've had with myself that's led to a question.

VOID -"waaaahhhh, cheese with my wine, self loathing self loathing self loathing, i don't understand what's seen in me..."
OBSERVER VOID- "..."
VOID-"waaaaahhhh, depression depression depression"
OBSERVER VOID-"Hush"
VOID-"..."
OBSERVER VOID "Perhaps, just perhaps, you embody what you've intended to all along..."
VOID- "... waaaahhhh"

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Another consideration, and mainly just that, as I don't have the means to receive diagnoses, I have to just do the best I can and not read too much into the likelihood of any observation or assessment, (and I hate to do this because I feel like it just makes me look spastic and all over the place) is what if there's a low need for support autism going on here. OR what even there are "autistic traits" that I hold without being autistic. It's a weird thing, because if I am, I am high functioning and good at masking, which makes it harder to catch. However, it aligns a bit as many of the comorbidities that I do deal with per a formal diagnosis (depression, PTSD, anxiety) align with and can be derived from the experience of being autism.

While I can function well socially, it's not easy, which is why I tend to spend most of my time alone, and in someways, dealing with people seems to be or feels like it is getting more difficult. And there are cues that I "miss" often, particularly around humor. It nags at me when someone says something in jest, and I realize it's in jest, but I can't help but to respond in a more serious way, even though I know that it was in jest.

There's a culture of shit talking amongst many groups, which brings people together and connects them. I hate it. This is something I am horrible at, because I always end up being the one that takes it too far, and I don't mean to. It's confusing. Individuals will razz each other on something, something that usually has a basis in reality, but there are apparently these lines that people know how to traverse and dance on with each that allow them to derive a sense of comradery from such an interaction, where I tend to just upset people. It's why my humor tends to be very blatant in terms of opposites, because otherwise we are flirting with the truth in someway and often making fun of someone for something that is real to them is a slippery slope towards insult.

I fall down this slope often.

And others slip down it with me, as I don't feel I handle being teased well in many instances. To me, there's a kernel of truth in many of the ways in which we are teased and it makes it less okay to me.

Middle school makes so much more sense in this context...

As does my social record up to this point...

I recently took the Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale Revised test and was surprised to have scored a 132, which is stated as, "overwhelming evidence pointing towards autism," which doesn't mean that I have autism. There have been plenty of court cases where there was overwhelming evidence for one side and that side not be in the right. If I had the means at the moment, I'd get assessed further. But I don't, so I have to do the dance with the possibilities.

ADHD can be a comorbidity with autism, and as I have been exploring potential ADHD with people I know, many of them aren't surprised... some of them are actually surprised that I'm just now coming to this potential conclusion myself... for many it's obvious.

I was going to say more, but I'm blanking out now. I'll try to add later. I'm overwhelmed.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Goodness gracious, I'm all over the place. I stood up and a bunch more stuff to share decided to surface. So I'm sitting back down.

Anyway, I was also considering some of my repetitive behaviors and habits, both internal and external. I have a hard time being interested in any new media often times, mainly finding something that I've liked in the past to interact with rather than something new, because it feels like such a waste if I didn't enjoy it (makes me think of my experience seeing The Village when I was in high school; was very disappointed by that movie and it was very obvious). I instead have "entertainment patterns." I quit my full-time job, and so am really leaning on lists to help me keep moving. If I'm honest, in this moment, I don't know what to do with myself and part of me doesn't want to do anything. I'd like to take a dab, turn on TNG (because I've seen it a thousand times), grab a book or a game, stay up for a bit and then just go back to sleep. I don't know what to do with myself. And while I have a list at the moment, I don't want to do anything on it.

Another note, is that it seems autism runs in families. My half brother on my father's side has autism, and we've heard plenty about my dad, so naturally there's curiosity on his behalf as well.

Last thing I'd like to share is about the obsessive nature of the inside of my mind, which I've talked about before. These ruminations of various kinds that just won't go away, like nagging nats, or worse, horse flies, because they bite and they're painful.

Round and round we go.

One love

 

[rkba]

Have you tried past life regression therapy?

 

[Voidmatrix]

Have you tried past life regression therapy?

I have not. I'm a bit skeptical of something very unverifiable. I think that paying attention to healing familial and ancestral trauma is valid. But we what we call past lives could be a great many different things.

I'm actually thinking about writing a post on reinterpreting what we call past lives.

One love

 

[rkba]

I have not. I'm a bit skeptical of something very unverifiable.

From what I have perceived so far in my life, is that nothing is verifiable until you can verify it for yourself. And all you can do is to try it out and feel if it fits your heart.

I think that paying attention to healing familial and ancestral trauma is valid.

I 'feel' that within our Being there is a tremendous amount of information for which we have been 'closed' off. And one of those things is familial and ancestral trauma. For as long as we are 'rudderless' we are easy to steer.

But we what we call past lives could be a great many different things.

The tag "past lives" is just that, a tag. Something that can allow us to communicate about a certain phenomenon. A phenomenon that is uniquely perceived by each individual. I have learned to stop looking at tags, but to look for the hooks on which the tag hangs. Then from the hook to the wall. And maybe after that we can peek behind the wall.

I'm actually thinking about writing a post on reinterpreting what we call past lives.

I'm very interested. For me all other interpretations are welcome, for it allows one to potentially find that hook.

 

[Voidmatrix]

From what I have perceived so far in my life, is that nothing is verifiable until you can verify it for yourself. And all you can do is to try it out and feel if it fits your heart.

How would you, for yourself, verify past lives and the interpretation of past life experiences.

However, yes, one cannot really "know" without their own experience that brings them to "knowing." This is why a lot of information that we operate off of is intersubjectively verified, and why we appeal to a certain scope of apparent similarity with respect to "common" experience.

The tag "past lives" is just that, a tag. Something that can allow us to communicate about a certain phenomenon. A phenomenon that is uniquely perceived by each individual. I have learned to stop looking at tags, but to look for the hooks on which the tag hangs. Then from the hook to the wall. And maybe after that we can peek behind the wall.

Yes, we can't mistake the picture for what is pictured. We can't mistake the words for that which they are symbols for.

However, there's some equivocation here. This "phenonemon" we call a "past life experience" is given a specific interpretation by the title alone; past life. It can mean a past life that the person experiencing it lived in the past. It could also just be the viewing of someone's life in the past. It could also just be something made up by our brains and/or minds. But what many people do is run with it as though it is the case that they themselves lived x past life.

You think that everyone has this kind of experience?

The tag here is past lives. What is the hook? And what is the wall? And what is behind the wall.

 

[rkba]

How would you, for yourself, verify past lives and the interpretation of past life experiences.

The verification lies in the fact that it fits your heart and therefore a smoother Flux of life. Nobody can give you this verification, but yourself. Only through experience can one truly learn.

You think that everyone has this kind of experience?

I think that everybody has their own experience. What the 'phenomenon' means is to be created by yourself and not by others. If the perception is created by yourself, you have a better chance that it is in tune with your heart.

The tag here is past lives. What is the hook? And what is the wall? And what is behind the wall.

The hook could be an energy source. Where the tag is covering up the energy flow and preventing the energy from flowing into our Body. In a sense our thinking brain, spoken words and written words are plugging us up, preventing us to reach our full energy potential. Maybe the Body can use the energy-hooks to scale the wall and get a peek behind it. Maybe a self-created perception is the Body's way of hooking onto and collecting energy out of the wall.

Nobody knows what we are, or if there is even a 'we'. This 3D world we have our lives in, seems to be constructed out of our perceptions. It is anybodies guess to what True Reality even is.

I do know that our Flux through life can be difficult and grim, but it can also be supple and beautiful. I feel that when ones perceptions are closer to the heart strings, one becomes more energetic and happy. It is through these perceptions that we can potentially steer our lives into a direction more suited to fit ourselves.

I also think that mostly all perceptions handed down to us are highly questionable and should be re-evaluated by our own Being. Obviously this would require a lot of practice and a willing Ego. I am starting to apply an African wisdom to this process, "eat an elephant one bite at a time". At the moment I'm not even sure how to carve out a bite from this elephant, but I'm confident that when I truly believe my self-created perceptions, and continually show intent, that the process will start. In fact it may have already started, but my Ego has not caught on yet.

Nobody knows, which is what makes Life magic.