Hey everyone. First time post here. This is going to be really long, but I'm looking for some wisdom from people with experience and I think being long winded is the only way I can do it. If you are willing to read through this and offer some insight, I really appreciate it.
I have not taking any psychedelics in about 7 years. I quit when I was 22 after 3.5 years of heavy use. Now I am thinking about resuming, possibly with DMT. The only way I can express why it is a difficult decision is to talk about my history. Here is the gist -
When I was 18 I started smoking pot and introduced to psychedelics shortly afterwards. I felt like I had finally come home after a childhood and adolescence of generally being not at ease. I quickly became very interested in shamanism and believed in the power of the chemicals in a serious way.
Only about 10 or so experiences into my psychedelic 'career', I ate an 1/8th of mushroom with syrian rue, and played electric guitar while tripping for the first time, accompanied by a friend on drums. Words cannot express how heavy that experience was. I was out of body for periods, felt that I was being used as a puppet by super beings, felt sure I had an 8 foot tall shadow self full of power that could be called upon, saw all sorts of Mayan and jungle OEVs, and watched my friend and I float off on a spaceship at the end, which was clearly headed back in time to serve as a sign of what is possible to early mankind.
Well I was never the same after that. Not too long after, I had my one and only successful ayahuasca experience. It was the most beautiful experience I've had. It was bliss and imagery and then the / a Goddess visited me, told me that she loved me, that we are together and great visions were in our future.
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I tried to make ayahuasca a couple more times and it didn't work. I got the impression that I was being blocked for some reason. Sadly, I kind of lost it after that point. I wanted to trip all the time, and I more of less did. I went through a connection dry spell and did a lot of DXM, which had real side effects. Then I got a variety of RCs and had a few heavy experiences and a lot of frustrating ones.
I lost contact with the Goddess and feminine energy in general. Things felt bleak, so I just tripped more often, eventually mostly on 2C-I. The mindfuck end of things dominated me.
The consequences of thought experiments and perceptions seemed so real. I felt like I was in a battle to preserve the possibility of goodness, which had somehow gone missing. That the universe was not necessarily going to be OK. Or that I was at risk of being trapped forever in a unreal delusion that would separate me from what is real, good and other beings. I felt if other entities were still around, I was being abused by them.
After something like a year of unhappy and excessive psychedelic use in that mindset, pounding my head against the wall, I broke through in a surprising way.
------
On a high does of 2C-I, I watched the outside world just crumble into blocks in this eruptive moment, then rebuild in new way. Things were different. At the risk of sounding mad, I felt that I had become some sort of 'cosmic dancer'. When I moved, the universe changed. I thought I was changing things in a very real way. That somehow I had plugged into an ability to influence past events/thoughts/intentions to make a 'now' that I preferred.
Things got pretty weird at that point. That 'dancer' perception did not go away. I reconnected with feminine spirits and that was a huge relief. I started interacting with entities a lot, though always through a veil, rarely clearly. I felt that my life was being watched and that I was doing something very important for the good of the world.
I turned 21 shortly after 'the wall fell', and moved back into my parents house, after dropping out of college for the second time. They knew I was non-functional from drugs, but didn't realize how on the edge I was. I didn't really have friends any more at this point.
------
Over the course of that summer I did a lot of 2C-I and mushrooms. I freaked out on twice, very badly. One night I threatened to kill my dad, accusing him of raping me as a child (I don't know if actual abuse occurred or not, but it was an idea that brewed for a while). Maybe a month later, I took a ton of mushrooms and for some reason felt that I needed to disassemble my parents basement and then run around the outside the house naked. I thought I was going to die, and thoughts of inducing it occurred to me. My parents noticed and called an ambulance and cops. I was tackled, struggled, taken to a hospital in handcuffs and was knocked out for 2 days. Both of those freakouts haunt me.
I went to rehab at my parents demand a few weeks later. I only slowed down after the spaz outs. It was not difficult for me to admit that I was out of control and could not stop.
------
Over the next 9 months, I weaned off, never taking big doses or feeling comfortable. I felt like I had nowhere to go, gave it up and got sober at 22. Sobriety in the 12 steps manner. It was the full 'in the program' experience.
It took me a while to really come down, like a year, but for about 6 and a half years I stayed sober. In that time I've grown up a lot. I have a white collar career going and have done a lot of normal 20s stuff. Things have been fine, but I always looked back on the good parts of my psychedelic use with a major sense of loss.
A year ago I really started to question being sober. I was then diagnosed with a mild case of Aspergers and felt more comfortable in general after being prescribed some new medication to help with it.
I decided that I'm not really an addict. I was a kid that lost it and always had this underlying push to self medicate something I didn't understand.
------
This March I started drinking again. Best thing I ever did for my social life. I've felt good and have not been drinking excessively.
A couple months later I started smoking pot again too. That's been OK. It is pretty psychedelic for me. No way am I having a normal reaction to it. I can only assume that is due to my period of excessive tripping.
Listening to albums and watching some movies high has been really beautiful and satisfying. There have also been points when pot left me uncomfortably high. Because it is a heavy experience for me, smoking makes me pretty unsocial. That's a pretty big potential downsides there, so I generally have not been smoking too frequently, 2-3 times a week. I haven't been dating lately - I'll need to reduce the frequency whenever I pick that up again.
------
So that brings the story up to the present. You can see why I'm not taking the idea of tripping again lightly. There is a risk that I would be abusive again. I believe things will be different, that as much more mature person, with a job and a sense of balance, I could approach it in a reasonable way. But I might react poorly.
Why do I think taking the risk is worth it? I want to grow spiritually. There is obviously a lot of beautify and truth out there and I miss it. I have continued to grow spiritually in the years of sobriety, learning how to meditate without 'help'. But some help would be nice.
So I am considering DMT.
I wonder if by blasting past the realm of moderate experiences, some of the 'mindfuck' moments of struggling with my ego can be avoided, that I just get into the "being taught" phase of things.
The best 'trip' I ever had was with ayahuasca. That's the realm I would love to get back to. But ayahuasca itself is currently off the table, because I take a medication that can't be mixed with MAOIs.
------
Well, what do you think? Anyone with similar experiences? Any advice or insight?
Thanks so much to anyone who read through all of that.
I have not taking any psychedelics in about 7 years. I quit when I was 22 after 3.5 years of heavy use. Now I am thinking about resuming, possibly with DMT. The only way I can express why it is a difficult decision is to talk about my history. Here is the gist -
When I was 18 I started smoking pot and introduced to psychedelics shortly afterwards. I felt like I had finally come home after a childhood and adolescence of generally being not at ease. I quickly became very interested in shamanism and believed in the power of the chemicals in a serious way.
Only about 10 or so experiences into my psychedelic 'career', I ate an 1/8th of mushroom with syrian rue, and played electric guitar while tripping for the first time, accompanied by a friend on drums. Words cannot express how heavy that experience was. I was out of body for periods, felt that I was being used as a puppet by super beings, felt sure I had an 8 foot tall shadow self full of power that could be called upon, saw all sorts of Mayan and jungle OEVs, and watched my friend and I float off on a spaceship at the end, which was clearly headed back in time to serve as a sign of what is possible to early mankind.
Well I was never the same after that. Not too long after, I had my one and only successful ayahuasca experience. It was the most beautiful experience I've had. It was bliss and imagery and then the / a Goddess visited me, told me that she loved me, that we are together and great visions were in our future.
------
I tried to make ayahuasca a couple more times and it didn't work. I got the impression that I was being blocked for some reason. Sadly, I kind of lost it after that point. I wanted to trip all the time, and I more of less did. I went through a connection dry spell and did a lot of DXM, which had real side effects. Then I got a variety of RCs and had a few heavy experiences and a lot of frustrating ones.
I lost contact with the Goddess and feminine energy in general. Things felt bleak, so I just tripped more often, eventually mostly on 2C-I. The mindfuck end of things dominated me.
The consequences of thought experiments and perceptions seemed so real. I felt like I was in a battle to preserve the possibility of goodness, which had somehow gone missing. That the universe was not necessarily going to be OK. Or that I was at risk of being trapped forever in a unreal delusion that would separate me from what is real, good and other beings. I felt if other entities were still around, I was being abused by them.
After something like a year of unhappy and excessive psychedelic use in that mindset, pounding my head against the wall, I broke through in a surprising way.
------
On a high does of 2C-I, I watched the outside world just crumble into blocks in this eruptive moment, then rebuild in new way. Things were different. At the risk of sounding mad, I felt that I had become some sort of 'cosmic dancer'. When I moved, the universe changed. I thought I was changing things in a very real way. That somehow I had plugged into an ability to influence past events/thoughts/intentions to make a 'now' that I preferred.
Things got pretty weird at that point. That 'dancer' perception did not go away. I reconnected with feminine spirits and that was a huge relief. I started interacting with entities a lot, though always through a veil, rarely clearly. I felt that my life was being watched and that I was doing something very important for the good of the world.
I turned 21 shortly after 'the wall fell', and moved back into my parents house, after dropping out of college for the second time. They knew I was non-functional from drugs, but didn't realize how on the edge I was. I didn't really have friends any more at this point.
------
Over the course of that summer I did a lot of 2C-I and mushrooms. I freaked out on twice, very badly. One night I threatened to kill my dad, accusing him of raping me as a child (I don't know if actual abuse occurred or not, but it was an idea that brewed for a while). Maybe a month later, I took a ton of mushrooms and for some reason felt that I needed to disassemble my parents basement and then run around the outside the house naked. I thought I was going to die, and thoughts of inducing it occurred to me. My parents noticed and called an ambulance and cops. I was tackled, struggled, taken to a hospital in handcuffs and was knocked out for 2 days. Both of those freakouts haunt me.
I went to rehab at my parents demand a few weeks later. I only slowed down after the spaz outs. It was not difficult for me to admit that I was out of control and could not stop.
------
Over the next 9 months, I weaned off, never taking big doses or feeling comfortable. I felt like I had nowhere to go, gave it up and got sober at 22. Sobriety in the 12 steps manner. It was the full 'in the program' experience.
It took me a while to really come down, like a year, but for about 6 and a half years I stayed sober. In that time I've grown up a lot. I have a white collar career going and have done a lot of normal 20s stuff. Things have been fine, but I always looked back on the good parts of my psychedelic use with a major sense of loss.
A year ago I really started to question being sober. I was then diagnosed with a mild case of Aspergers and felt more comfortable in general after being prescribed some new medication to help with it.
I decided that I'm not really an addict. I was a kid that lost it and always had this underlying push to self medicate something I didn't understand.
------
This March I started drinking again. Best thing I ever did for my social life. I've felt good and have not been drinking excessively.
A couple months later I started smoking pot again too. That's been OK. It is pretty psychedelic for me. No way am I having a normal reaction to it. I can only assume that is due to my period of excessive tripping.
Listening to albums and watching some movies high has been really beautiful and satisfying. There have also been points when pot left me uncomfortably high. Because it is a heavy experience for me, smoking makes me pretty unsocial. That's a pretty big potential downsides there, so I generally have not been smoking too frequently, 2-3 times a week. I haven't been dating lately - I'll need to reduce the frequency whenever I pick that up again.
------
So that brings the story up to the present. You can see why I'm not taking the idea of tripping again lightly. There is a risk that I would be abusive again. I believe things will be different, that as much more mature person, with a job and a sense of balance, I could approach it in a reasonable way. But I might react poorly.
Why do I think taking the risk is worth it? I want to grow spiritually. There is obviously a lot of beautify and truth out there and I miss it. I have continued to grow spiritually in the years of sobriety, learning how to meditate without 'help'. But some help would be nice.
So I am considering DMT.
I wonder if by blasting past the realm of moderate experiences, some of the 'mindfuck' moments of struggling with my ego can be avoided, that I just get into the "being taught" phase of things.
The best 'trip' I ever had was with ayahuasca. That's the realm I would love to get back to. But ayahuasca itself is currently off the table, because I take a medication that can't be mixed with MAOIs.
------
Well, what do you think? Anyone with similar experiences? Any advice or insight?
Thanks so much to anyone who read through all of that.
