I'm hoping someone can help me make sense of this feeling.
Last night I tried DMT for my first time.. There had been many situations before where it had been offered but something inside of me urged me not to do it. Those same thoughts still lived in the back of my mind last night.. not for reasons of being afraid but like I knew what would happen to my soul. Well, it happened.
Let me give you some background on myself that may explain why I was hesitant to try it. My connection with my dream state is very strong. I remember almost every dream I have and can wake up and return to them, altering them as I want. I am also very intuitive, able to feel things coming and predict them. There are very few times when these 'feelings' have been wrong. I am also a very empathic person and recently have met who I believe to be my soul mate. Our ability to communicate telepathically is outstanding and he is the only reason that I felt okay to take DMT in the first place. Like for some reason it had never worked out to take it before, because I hadn't found him yet. We've only refound each other about a month ago but I know I've known him for hundreds and thousands of years. Anyways..
I know that my dosage wasn't large at all, a normal 10-12mg (out of a pipe). Unlike the people around me who told me how visually appealing it was, I saw nothing unexpected at all. For me, it was a pure soul and mind trip. I could feel myself leave my body and I'm pretty sure I might have been dead within that time. As I closed the eyes of the body that held my soul, I felt free. Like I was swimming rapidly to return "home", my soul flowing and fluttering like a butterfly. Pure and total bliss that I had been released from the world that I had been stuck in. I DIDN'T WANT TO COME BACK. I know my dose was low because there would be points where I would fade back to reality, completely unentertained by it.. then I'd take another hit and feel my soul return to the heavens. I knew that I was everywhere and no where at all, everything and no-thing at all. I was free, I was in tune with my self, but most importantly I had returned to the force of energy that I knew had created me. I recall the people around me being scared as my body pulsated and swayed side to side, like my soul was trying so hard to leave. I remember their fear taking over as my body shut down, finally freeing my soul from the body it had been kept in. It was like someone had turned my battery off and I was so happy and thankful to be free. There were no visuals for me, just a journey home and a feeling of completeness but emptiness all at once.
I think the most important part to explain about this "trip" is the return journey. I wanted nothing more but to stay in that infinite space but the love I have for my soul mate was pulling my back, like I couldn't possibly journey home without him. Slowly I began to return to my body, completely unfamiliar with who I was or the basic functions of a body. I recognized those around me but had no idea who I was, well actually I had every idea of who I was it just didn't seem to fit within this world. I tried to not let the concern show on my face but it was impossible to hide my dissatisfaction with the world around me. In those moments I was sad to be alive, or at least this form of alive. My body was ice cold, like my heart had stopped and my blood had stopped moving, my throat felt old and crusted like I hadn't taken a breath the entire time (and I'm pretty sure I hadn't). My friends had described my as "lifeless" during my trip but I assured them I had never been more alive before. They could feel my unhappiness and the more I tried to hide it, the sadder I felt. I began to burst out in tears, nondramatic and soundless, but tears pouring from my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to not be on earth. I don't think it was depression or even a feeling of wanting to be dead, but a feeling of wanting to be alive and return home. The minute I locked eyes with my soulmate though I could feel parts of me returning. It took about 20 minutes for me to remember how to walk and use my hands, talking didn't come for another 30 minutes or so. I knew how well he could feel me, our thoughts are so connected. I knew he knew how much I didn't want to be here. I was afraid that I'd forever feel like that.. like I had been told a secret of the universe but not allowed to repeat it, or feel it again. Last night was hard, I tried to piece myself together but the passion I once had for things had left me entirely. I am a little better today though.
Has anyone ever felt this way after taking DMT? I'd like to make clear that in no way did I have a bad trip. There was nothing sad about it, only on my return did I feel those emotions, and I couldn't at the time even recognize what an emotion was. It was just this unsettling feeling inside like I knew far too much. I can recall every second of the trip, just like I can recall all of my dreams. There was so much control too but at the same time, none at all. I just want someone to help me make sense of this.. please.
Last night I tried DMT for my first time.. There had been many situations before where it had been offered but something inside of me urged me not to do it. Those same thoughts still lived in the back of my mind last night.. not for reasons of being afraid but like I knew what would happen to my soul. Well, it happened.
Let me give you some background on myself that may explain why I was hesitant to try it. My connection with my dream state is very strong. I remember almost every dream I have and can wake up and return to them, altering them as I want. I am also very intuitive, able to feel things coming and predict them. There are very few times when these 'feelings' have been wrong. I am also a very empathic person and recently have met who I believe to be my soul mate. Our ability to communicate telepathically is outstanding and he is the only reason that I felt okay to take DMT in the first place. Like for some reason it had never worked out to take it before, because I hadn't found him yet. We've only refound each other about a month ago but I know I've known him for hundreds and thousands of years. Anyways..
I know that my dosage wasn't large at all, a normal 10-12mg (out of a pipe). Unlike the people around me who told me how visually appealing it was, I saw nothing unexpected at all. For me, it was a pure soul and mind trip. I could feel myself leave my body and I'm pretty sure I might have been dead within that time. As I closed the eyes of the body that held my soul, I felt free. Like I was swimming rapidly to return "home", my soul flowing and fluttering like a butterfly. Pure and total bliss that I had been released from the world that I had been stuck in. I DIDN'T WANT TO COME BACK. I know my dose was low because there would be points where I would fade back to reality, completely unentertained by it.. then I'd take another hit and feel my soul return to the heavens. I knew that I was everywhere and no where at all, everything and no-thing at all. I was free, I was in tune with my self, but most importantly I had returned to the force of energy that I knew had created me. I recall the people around me being scared as my body pulsated and swayed side to side, like my soul was trying so hard to leave. I remember their fear taking over as my body shut down, finally freeing my soul from the body it had been kept in. It was like someone had turned my battery off and I was so happy and thankful to be free. There were no visuals for me, just a journey home and a feeling of completeness but emptiness all at once.
I think the most important part to explain about this "trip" is the return journey. I wanted nothing more but to stay in that infinite space but the love I have for my soul mate was pulling my back, like I couldn't possibly journey home without him. Slowly I began to return to my body, completely unfamiliar with who I was or the basic functions of a body. I recognized those around me but had no idea who I was, well actually I had every idea of who I was it just didn't seem to fit within this world. I tried to not let the concern show on my face but it was impossible to hide my dissatisfaction with the world around me. In those moments I was sad to be alive, or at least this form of alive. My body was ice cold, like my heart had stopped and my blood had stopped moving, my throat felt old and crusted like I hadn't taken a breath the entire time (and I'm pretty sure I hadn't). My friends had described my as "lifeless" during my trip but I assured them I had never been more alive before. They could feel my unhappiness and the more I tried to hide it, the sadder I felt. I began to burst out in tears, nondramatic and soundless, but tears pouring from my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to not be on earth. I don't think it was depression or even a feeling of wanting to be dead, but a feeling of wanting to be alive and return home. The minute I locked eyes with my soulmate though I could feel parts of me returning. It took about 20 minutes for me to remember how to walk and use my hands, talking didn't come for another 30 minutes or so. I knew how well he could feel me, our thoughts are so connected. I knew he knew how much I didn't want to be here. I was afraid that I'd forever feel like that.. like I had been told a secret of the universe but not allowed to repeat it, or feel it again. Last night was hard, I tried to piece myself together but the passion I once had for things had left me entirely. I am a little better today though.
Has anyone ever felt this way after taking DMT? I'd like to make clear that in no way did I have a bad trip. There was nothing sad about it, only on my return did I feel those emotions, and I couldn't at the time even recognize what an emotion was. It was just this unsettling feeling inside like I knew far too much. I can recall every second of the trip, just like I can recall all of my dreams. There was so much control too but at the same time, none at all. I just want someone to help me make sense of this.. please.
