Well, I appreciate you sharing, as your story is pretty inspiring, and points to the paradoxical nature of ocd, in terms of how solid it may appear despite being more like a mirage. I’ve experienced behavioral addictions in the same way - here one day and gone the next. Overall, the health and freedom of the mind seems to have a gravitational pull, in a sense, and tuning in to that pull seems to be the first step to finding one’s way back to wholeness.
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Impulse Experiences: Ongoing Compilation
- Thread starter Voidmatrix
- Start date
Well, I appreciate you sharing, as your story is pretty inspiring, and points to the paradoxical nature of ocd, in terms of how solid it may appear despite being more like a mirage. I’ve experienced behavioral addictions in the same way - here one day and gone the next. Overall, the health and freedom of the mind seems to have a gravitational pull, in a sense, and tuning in to that pull seems to be the first step to finding one’s way back to wholeness.
This medicine is incredible weird. I have been attempting to get back to the level of experience that included the blue being and the purple smoke blowing elephant. That level was really nice. I was more here than there, and the visuals weren't incredibly vivid. It was an ENJOYABLE and easily managed experience. This was from a couple weeks ago. Since then, I have tried to reach that level to no avail. In the moment that that experience was had, I only took one decent hit from an already burnt bowl. However, with multiple hits of roughly the same size with other batches of the same strength, I am not getting there. I am also rubbing up against an edge and a habit, in that after a hit or two, I get ensnared by getting prepared for what may come and instead of taking more hits, I set the bowl down, and lay down, as if something big is going to hit. Anxiety wins often, lol.
I have made two attempts today and haven't gotten where I wanna be. I have shaken profusely however, which is always welcome. I am carrying a lot in my system, much of which is time for me to let go of.
I want to name something unrelated. I miss aspects of the older version of me, that didn't take forever to read posts, and also didn't take forever to respond with delineated thought. Expressing myself has just been hard over the last few years. The mental bandwidth and endurance have waned. Moar reason to smoalk moar, as the medicine helps manage this. I liked being more active, but it's not in me the way it used to be.
One love
I have made two attempts today and haven't gotten where I wanna be. I have shaken profusely however, which is always welcome. I am carrying a lot in my system, much of which is time for me to let go of.
I want to name something unrelated. I miss aspects of the older version of me, that didn't take forever to read posts, and also didn't take forever to respond with delineated thought. Expressing myself has just been hard over the last few years. The mental bandwidth and endurance have waned. Moar reason to smoalk moar, as the medicine helps manage this. I liked being more active, but it's not in me the way it used to be.
One love
.............so long as you remember that occasionally your commitment has to be to yourself.
That's why I ended up working with oral brews. I realized pretty quickly that my psychology won't let me push it with smoking/vaping. You can create quite a potent brew and once ingested there is no going back. I would not advise it for everyone, and I've had my share of very scary experiences, but that's what works for me. Know yourself, I guess.
I am hard-headed, while I know there are other things that will get me to where I am going, such as having some support around, or doing more oral dosing, but I want the "power" within to override what I feel hinders me.
That said, I just smoalked.
One love
Perseverance and dedication to your chosen path will get you far. Much Love 
Don't get me wrong, I have a vial of hemifumurate to play with orally!Perseverance and dedication to your chosen path will get you far. Much Love
One love
On another note, a combination of factors has me feeling bleh in this moment. I kinda forgot that I had take a dual microdose when I decided to smoalk, and I also had drank a protein shake shortly before, post gym. Now I just feel kinda off and have to balance out, and when I do, I'll probably be doing pretty well. It's a sign of burnout and overtraining how crappy I can feel after working out still.
Off to @blig-blug workout thread.
One love
Off to @blig-blug workout thread.
One love
This is something that I have really been thinking on because its exactly the way I was introduced to entheogens. I have never done oral ROA just sublingual Harmaline/THH then vape/smoke. With your experiences are they as intense as the ones that are smoked/vaped? I can redose several times but there is always a point where I have to consciously have to go inside and redose so its like a small break to re evaluate and continue. I guess I always thought that the smoke/vape was the most intense so I have never really pursued oral.
Y
I feel nothing comes close to the rapid intensity of smoked/vaped DMT. It's a bit cleaner experience too, because rue/caapi introduce their own effects.
Oral brews can be intense, but it's of a relentless kind. You're in that space for a while, for better or worse. At this point, I'm more interested in mid doses for maintenance.
Smoking fits better into a Western lifestyle, mentality, and the spirit of exploration. I'd still look into oral brews, mushrooms, and cactus when you have some extra time and a proper space for it. If something works, there is no need to change anything. Yet, all of them are portals into our inner world. Choose the tool that fits you best.
Much love
One of those days. Woke up feeling moderately depressed and had a few let downs during the day. I am home. While gearing up to complete a project that is currently late (I am just juggling a lot right now...), feeling the ants in my pants, the bees in my stomach, I was cleaning up the space and saw my pipe. I am in the state where I told myself that I wouldn't smoalk at all today. These states are cues to do the opposite, but damn can that be hard to remember, let alone do. But as I saw it, and reflected on filling my own needs, and seeing how shitty I feel in the moment, I went for it.
All is well.
One love
All is well.
One love
Feeling a little disappointed today. I had such a good time on that small amount of 2C-B(est) yesterday, but woke up feeling funky today. Pretty much at square one of this depressive wave I've been cruising on. This is unsurprising, and only an opportunity to learn how to navigate it better. What's there? What wants my attention?
After lounging in bed for the morning, I walked my dog. It felt hot and sticky outside, and it kinda soured me a bit. When we got back inside, I went for the bowl. One pull, increase the strength of inhale when I noticed that I can inhale deeper for the same period of time and see how much deeper that gets me. It was a nice space to me in. What is worthy of note was my resolve as the experience began to unfold. I didn't care, seeing a proverbial switch to feel worry and trepidation, and just choosing not to. That I-may-go-too-far feeling has become more and more absent, and the inclement response from my body and nervous system are being managed and attenuated with more and more ease. "Trauma response" is shedding away. The tide changes the more I change my view of myself...
One love
After lounging in bed for the morning, I walked my dog. It felt hot and sticky outside, and it kinda soured me a bit. When we got back inside, I went for the bowl. One pull, increase the strength of inhale when I noticed that I can inhale deeper for the same period of time and see how much deeper that gets me. It was a nice space to me in. What is worthy of note was my resolve as the experience began to unfold. I didn't care, seeing a proverbial switch to feel worry and trepidation, and just choosing not to. That I-may-go-too-far feeling has become more and more absent, and the inclement response from my body and nervous system are being managed and attenuated with more and more ease. "Trauma response" is shedding away. The tide changes the more I change my view of myself...
One love
TAKE THE DAMN MEDICINE, AS MUCH AS YOU NEED!
Today was one of those days where the funk was heavy and stanky. I was in a foul mood for the first portion of my day, just being angry and cantancerous. I got a few things done, but it was hard to focus. My main goal of the day was to start and finish this paper for one of my classes. I really wanted to get it done today so that I don't have to worry about it tomorrow, which will be a full day, and not on Friday, when it's due. However, my mood and state had other plans, as I was very dysregulated. My body was tense, achy, and aggravating. My mind in turn was twisting and writhing with itself.
I ended up laying back down after reading the requirements of the paper and starting it a little bit. I am not forcing focus anymore because it doesn't work and my attempting to do so is a vestige of external pressures. Again, the paper isn't due until Friday, and it's not very long either. When I woke up, I tried practicing some mindfulness, which then led me down a thought train that led to me grabbing my APX Volt and taking in 10mg. It was great. I have to be mindful of the goodness to stay with it, otherwise my system internally starts wigging out (though it's not that I am actually freaking out, but I don't want to flirt with that edge most times). It was interesting. I think I am making some progress. The last few times I have smoalked, my system isn't responding as though it needs to handle the biggest experiences I've ever had with this medicine before. Instead, the process internally has been smooth and calm. It's really nice. Another shift I am trying to make is sitting with it more in one sitting, rather than my usual smoalk, land, come back way later in the day. That said, after the 10mg landed and I was landed, I realized, I wanted moar (take what is given, I have plenty). I neglected to do any yoga and body work this morning (lending itself to my funk), and decided that since I was getting a "fresh start" to my day, I would do some changa yoga.
Taking two bigger than usual hits, I was again relaxed, seamlessly falling into the experience. It helps to have a nervous system that attenuates appropriately. I had a great flow, followed by some shakes, and then I cracked open. Talking out loud (as is the practice), I began addressing certain things that need remediation and healing, or at least acceptance and acknowledgment. It was vitriolic, but that's okay because it was only concerning me, even if the content concerned things outside of me. It was cathartic.
Since I was experiencing so much vexation, there was a strong indifference when I grabbed the vape and the pipe and I think this indifference (informed by anger), allowed me to be more open and relaxed going in. The smoother the better.
Now to reload my vape...
One love
Today was one of those days where the funk was heavy and stanky. I was in a foul mood for the first portion of my day, just being angry and cantancerous. I got a few things done, but it was hard to focus. My main goal of the day was to start and finish this paper for one of my classes. I really wanted to get it done today so that I don't have to worry about it tomorrow, which will be a full day, and not on Friday, when it's due. However, my mood and state had other plans, as I was very dysregulated. My body was tense, achy, and aggravating. My mind in turn was twisting and writhing with itself.
I ended up laying back down after reading the requirements of the paper and starting it a little bit. I am not forcing focus anymore because it doesn't work and my attempting to do so is a vestige of external pressures. Again, the paper isn't due until Friday, and it's not very long either. When I woke up, I tried practicing some mindfulness, which then led me down a thought train that led to me grabbing my APX Volt and taking in 10mg. It was great. I have to be mindful of the goodness to stay with it, otherwise my system internally starts wigging out (though it's not that I am actually freaking out, but I don't want to flirt with that edge most times). It was interesting. I think I am making some progress. The last few times I have smoalked, my system isn't responding as though it needs to handle the biggest experiences I've ever had with this medicine before. Instead, the process internally has been smooth and calm. It's really nice. Another shift I am trying to make is sitting with it more in one sitting, rather than my usual smoalk, land, come back way later in the day. That said, after the 10mg landed and I was landed, I realized, I wanted moar (take what is given, I have plenty). I neglected to do any yoga and body work this morning (lending itself to my funk), and decided that since I was getting a "fresh start" to my day, I would do some changa yoga.
Taking two bigger than usual hits, I was again relaxed, seamlessly falling into the experience. It helps to have a nervous system that attenuates appropriately. I had a great flow, followed by some shakes, and then I cracked open. Talking out loud (as is the practice), I began addressing certain things that need remediation and healing, or at least acceptance and acknowledgment. It was vitriolic, but that's okay because it was only concerning me, even if the content concerned things outside of me. It was cathartic.
Since I was experiencing so much vexation, there was a strong indifference when I grabbed the vape and the pipe and I think this indifference (informed by anger), allowed me to be more open and relaxed going in. The smoother the better.
Now to reload my vape...
One love
