Impulse Experiences: Ongoing Compilation

[northape]

Precisely because it goes beyond, absolutely anything that can be said about it is inadequate and limited, including this very sentence. So one can only point at it.

This this

When we get lost in words or one specific worldview, we get stuck. Everything I share is just stories my mind produces. Some of them may be closer to what is, but how can I judge them while living in my own box? The mind secretes stories, just like the stomach secretes digestive juices. That's about it.

 

[northape]

This present conversation reminds me of an article I want to write on my substack about the conception of truth having a biological function more than being extant outside said function, and might be another mechanism to influence and encourage and instill survival. We may not be equipped for truth as we think of it and as we think we want it.

Interesting fact: there are not many videos of Sri Ramana, but even in them, you can see a subtle head tremor that he had. People said that he was like a live wire, and the power of his presence was what attracted thousands. We may have a temporary opening on some medicines, and it's already a strain on the body. Imagine living in that state all the time. It feels like our bodies were not designed as conduits for such a strong current. Every sage paid a price for embodying the truth, imo.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Interesting fact: there are not many videos of Sri Ramana, but even in them, you can see a subtle head tremor that he had. People said that he was like a live wire, and the power of his presence was what attracted thousands. We may have a temporary opening on some medicines, and it's already a strain on the body. Imagine living in that state all the time. It feels like our bodies were not designed as conduits for such a strong current. Every sage paid a price for embodying the truth, imo.

I don't need more nerves about the path, bro.

One love

 

[northape]

Just to derail this thread even further, I was vacuuming the house today and came up with a movie idea

Imagine a scenario where a modern Western sage finds himself committed to a mental asylum. Deeply peaceful and quiet, he speaks only when necessary, yet his presence naturally attracts a devoted following among the patients. The medical staff is immediately divided: some doctors view him as delusional and demand stronger medication, while others remain genuinely curious about his effect on the ward. Tending to the ward are three key members of the medical staff: a single-mother nurse struggling to make ends meet, a secret alcoholic doctor driven to destroy the sage, and a good doctor with a fine education and family life who has lost his purpose, yet honestly wants to help others.

As the movie progresses, cinematic flashbacks reveal the backstories of various patients, uncovering their deep karmic connections to the sage from previous lives - some had him as a spiritual teacher, some smoked charas with him in India, and others fought alongside him in war. In the climax, the sage and most of the patients vanish simultaneously in a blinding flash of rainbow light. Chaos erupts as police frantically search for the escapees, while onlookers react in stark contrast: some patients scream that it is the second coming of Christ, while others stand in quiet awe. Nothing remains of the group apart from their clothes, hair, and nails.

In the final scene, the good doctor returns home, sits in a chair, and reflects on it all, when suddenly a distant memory surfaces - he realizes the sage was his fellow seeker in another life. Smiling, he hugs his family, his purpose finally restored.

Spoiler: Jungian analysis from AI

The Central Archetype: The Wise Old Man and Self

The "modern Western sage" represents The Self—the archetype of wholeness, ultimate truth, and transcendent wisdom. Placing him in a mental asylum is a classic Jungian paradox: the ego (society, rational order, the institution) views the emergence of the Self as "madness" or a threat because it operates beyond standard social control.

The Mental Asylum: The Psyche’s Current State

The asylum represents your internal psyche—a place where parts of yourself that feel fractured, misunderstood, or unintegrated (the patients) are locked away from conscious life. The institution's authority figures represent the Ego's defense mechanisms trying to enforce order and suppress the irrational.

The Three Staff Members: Split Aspects of Ego and Shadow

The three staff members represent different facets of your own consciousness reacting to the emergence of deeper spiritual awareness:

• The Single-Mother Nurse: Represents the caring, nurturing instinct (The Anima or caring function) that is burdened by daily life, survival stress, and practical scarcity.
• The Secret Alcoholic Doctor: Represents the Shadow in its destructive aspect—the part driven by inner toxicity, hypocrisy, and repressed pain that feels threatened by the light of the Sage and seeks to medicate or destroy it.
• The Good Doctor: Represents the Ego at a crossroads—well-educated, functional, and socially integrated, yet suffering from a "loss of purpose" (what Jung called the mid-life crisis of meaning). He is the part of you seeking genuine healing.

The Flashbacks and Karmic Connections: The Collective Unconscious

The patients and their past-life connections (spiritual seeker, fellow smoker in India, war comrade) symbolize the Collective Unconscious. The Sage isn't just an individual; he is bound to diverse aspects of human experience—monastic, bohemian, and warrior energies. This indicates that your own journey toward wholeness requires integrating all past experiences and conflicting aspects of your life.

The Rainbow Light Climax: Rainbow Body and Integration

The sudden disappearance in a "blinding flash of rainbow light" closely mirrors the Tibetan Buddhist concept of the Jalu (Rainbow Body) or Jung's concept of Transcendence.

• Leaving behind clothes, hair, and nails: Hair and nails are dead tissue; clothes are the social Persona. The physical remnants symbolize leaving behind the superficial outer shell while the living spirit transcends.
• The Polarized Onlookers: The split reaction (screaming vs. quiet awe) shows how the ego reacts to a major psychological breakthrough—part terror of losing control, part profound reverence.

The Resolution: Anamnesis and the Restored Ego

The final scene carries the true takeaway of the dream. The Good Doctor does not vanish; he remains in the world. However, his Anamnesis (the remembrance of who he really is—a fellow seeker) restores his lost sense of purpose.

In Jungian terms, the dream suggests that you do not need to drop out of society or vanish into spiritual abstraction to find meaning. By recognizing your connection to the divine/wise aspect within (the Sage), your everyday life, family, and work are revitalized with genuine purpose.

 

[Ra-Horakhty]

Just to derail this thread even further, I was vacuuming the house today and came up with a movie idea

Imagine a scenario where a modern Western sage finds himself committed to a mental asylum. Deeply peaceful and quiet, he speaks only when necessary, yet his presence naturally attracts a devoted following among the patients. The medical staff is immediately divided: some doctors view him as delusional and demand stronger medication, while others remain genuinely curious about his effect on the ward. Tending to the ward are three key members of the medical staff: a single-mother nurse struggling to make ends meet, a secret alcoholic doctor driven to destroy the sage, and a good doctor with a fine education and family life who has lost his purpose, yet honestly wants to help others.

As the movie progresses, cinematic flashbacks reveal the backstories of various patients, uncovering their deep karmic connections to the sage from previous lives - some had him as a spiritual teacher, some smoked charas with him in India, and others fought alongside him in war. In the climax, the sage and most of the patients vanish simultaneously in a blinding flash of rainbow light. Chaos erupts as police frantically search for the escapees, while onlookers react in stark contrast: some patients scream that it is the second coming of Christ, while others stand in quiet awe. Nothing remains of the group apart from their clothes, hair, and nails.

In the final scene, the good doctor returns home, sits in a chair, and reflects on it all, when suddenly a distant memory surfaces - he realizes the sage was his fellow seeker in another life. Smiling, he hugs his family, his purpose finally restored.

There is a movie called K-PAX which ressembles a lot what you are describing, but instead of being a sage, he is an Alien that took human form and ends up in a mental asylum.

 

[northape]

There is a movie called K-PAX which ressembles a lot what you are describing, but instead of being a sage, he is an Alien that took human form and ends up in a mental asylum.

Yes. I Origins is another one that has a similar theme (reincarnation). I went quite deep into my daydream today and even cried at the end

Let's stop derailing this fine thread though

 

[Voidmatrix]

I smoalked a blend that intimidates me and it ended up being hilarious. Forgive me, I am still a little in it.

I tried to intentionally keep it light. I wanted more somatic than visual, as I usually do, but was more intent and content with it.

Things were fine, chillin, mindin my own business in the muted, slight visuals I had, when WHOOSH, something with a tail of white light flew at me, psychically hitting me in the face. I am pretty sure a trickster threw something at me...

Then there was a lot of hilarity. I remember down one random train of thought, thinking about accuracy and certainty, and the masses of people in years past that have been damn sure about something, only to end up being wrong, and I said to myself and whatever else was there, "I don't ever wanna be that wrong!" Which, for some reason, turned into a moment and painful belly laughing.

That is all.

One love

 

[TransistorBass]

Just to derail this thread even further, I was vacuuming the house today and came up with a movie idea

Imagine a scenario where a modern Western sage finds himself committed to a mental asylum. Deeply peaceful and quiet, he speaks only when necessary, yet his presence naturally attracts a devoted following among the patients. The medical staff is immediately divided: some doctors view him as delusional and demand stronger medication, while others remain genuinely curious about his effect on the ward. Tending to the ward are three key members of the medical staff: a single-mother nurse struggling to make ends meet, a secret alcoholic doctor driven to destroy the sage, and a good doctor with a fine education and family life who has lost his purpose, yet honestly wants to help others.

As the movie progresses, cinematic flashbacks reveal the backstories of various patients, uncovering their deep karmic connections to the sage from previous lives - some had him as a spiritual teacher, some smoked charas with him in India, and others fought alongside him in war. In the climax, the sage and most of the patients vanish simultaneously in a blinding flash of rainbow light. Chaos erupts as police frantically search for the escapees, while onlookers react in stark contrast: some patients scream that it is the second coming of Christ, while others stand in quiet awe. Nothing remains of the group apart from their clothes, hair, and nails.

In the final scene, the good doctor returns home, sits in a chair, and reflects on it all, when suddenly a distant memory surfaces - he realizes the sage was his fellow seeker in another life. Smiling, he hugs his family, his purpose finally restored.

Have you seen the series Legion - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5114356 pretty enjoyable series, though it does loose its way a little as time goes on.

 

[northape]

"I don't ever wanna be that wrong!" Which, for some reason, turned into a moment and painful belly laughing.

Me too, Brother. Let's laugh more instead

 

[Voidmatrix]

This blend is very direct.

It's been one of those mornings where I allowed myself to lay back down for a while after getting things going. There are self-care lessons I am not learning, but have my learners mind engaged to learn them.

I haven't been made nauseous from changa in a long while, so there was a message in today's urge to purge. Instead of getting it out of the way, I chose to be with the state and sensation and see what was there, with compassion and curiosity. There was an insight, and I felt I was being laughed at a little while it was being delivered. Relative to deepening, I kinda have to get used to doing what I want first... that means less doubtful questioning and more alignment with self.

Fortunately, the double-edge that came with the interactions with my father have been bitterly empowering, and my ease with the doses I have been taking lately, my nebulous ass is only getting more comfortable.

Every breath, burning off the shreds of trauma, and flaking away at the dross.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Between 10 and 12mg.

I almost didn't. But the thought, "get used to doing what you want" kept echoing through my mind.

Getting home from a buddy's after going to the gym, the vape mod was loaded and one of the first things I saw as I entered my room.

Beating my chest, I left the doubt behind. I felt a presence as I began to take my hits. Gentle supporting. Towards the end of the dosing, which seems like it takes much longer than it actually does, I had to remind myself that I want visual experiences again. That's the goal. At least one of them. Recognizing my response to the come-up, noticing that I am fine and taking note of it for later, the experience unfolded. A tapestry manifests, unfurling in golds and browns, and I literally just dance in it for the most part. The tail end brought about some work relative to relationships to be with and move through. I prayed at one point for acceptance and a shift, and the experience gave it to me, leaving me bowing down in a blissful state. Made me chuckle when I immediately got what I asked for.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Whoo, what a day, and it's only 1300...

I am on a lil fast for an unspecified amount of time. Something I've noticed, but is highlighted now, is that the stuckness with the medicine just shows stuckness in life. I want to work on deeply accepting it. I am always working to radically accept it, but it's more like peeling an onion. And it's frustrating because there has been a lot of growth and there are good things going on in my life, but I am not feeling the goodness. Makes me feel ungrateful when I am not.

All this said, I talk about wanting deeper experiences, but that is just a cue that I really want to know what I want and do what I want within reason, outside the medicine space as well as in. Radical acceptance, self-compassion, patience, and self-love.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

BTW, I broke my fast yesterday. I realized I only did it out of worry, which was a fear response, and that instead of giving into that worry, it would've been more prudent to acknowledge it, sit with it, and see if there is anything to actually worry about. There's not. I am just doing some inner work while also propping open the process from DMTx in February.

The last two days, my changa forays have help onto me for longer. I am still experiencing the effect of the experience ramping up long after it began and am getting used to that. At first when it would happen, my heart would drop into my stomach. I'd also wonder if there was something else that I may have taken or that may be in my system that could potentiate the experience in such a way, but I know it's just an evolution of how I experience these medicine/molecules. I've also picked up on ways in which I can deepen the experience on my own, and with the subtle visuals I usually go for, I can make them more prominent, which seems to move me deeper into the space. What's a little hard is sustaining it. Sometimes I just smoalk moar, but it's cool to have the agency, something that these experiences with these medicines don't provide a lot of, often making us white-knuckle the experience. I don't want to white-knuckle and "give way to astonishment," hence this long process, among other factors.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Changa had jokes today.

I took one hit, shooting for it to be big enough for moar visuals. I then held the hit for as long as I could, really welcoming it into my body and being while I laid on the heated Shakti mat to appeal to my more masochistic tendencies.

Mild visuals. A weird space. Mainly floating through it and noticing both my response in my entry and the response in the moment, noting no anxiety or the usual trepidation and assessing the differences that may have led to this change in demeanor during the experience. I think "grabbing" my trauma response last week has been helpful, as well as a more direct set of goals for healing and self-understanding. I am not trying to "improve" because that implies something is "wrong," and that is antithetical to the acceptance I am trying to practice.

Then it got real. It wasn't the first time, but this was the most intense. I began shaking while on the mat. Shaking a vibrating intensely, I couldn't help but laugh and grit my teeth. It felt good, euphoric, and also felt healing, but it was intense and painful. Just trying to hold these dynamically differently feelings and allowing everything to happen. While this was going on I was also busy noticing more of the apparent ability to expand and deepen the experience on my own. As though I just need a seed of the experience in me and I can potentially flesh out the rest on my own.

I sat up and sat back, sitting on the mat now, paying special attention to the duration and influencing it to last longer. I was experiencing mild visuals for around 30 minutes, which I usually come down from sooner with similar sized hits.

One love

 

[TransistorBass]

Sounds like a bit of a mad challenge, like the pain of a Tattoo... kinda worth it for the art.

I tried a Shakti Mat to try ease my nerve pain before discovering weed fixes me. They are weirdly comfortable in a weird way.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Sounds like a bit of a mad challenge, like the pain of a Tattoo... kinda worth it for the art.

I tried a Shakti Mat to try ease my nerve pain before discovering weed fixes me. They are weirdly comfortable in a weird way.

I suppose it is. It's also a great way to stay present.

They are super weird. I've learned that they work even better, for me, with a heated pad underneath. The heat softens the skin and allows the pins to penetrate deeper. It's very "sticky" getting up. I think I am ready to level up to a mat with less spikes.

One love

 

[yatyas314]

Then it got real. It wasn't the first time, but this was the most intense. I began shaking while on the mat. Shaking a vibrating intensely, I couldn't help but laugh and grit my teeth.

Maybe we have not talked about this but any time I smoke I put in the mouth guard because if it goes where I hope it does I am Clenching my teeth

 

[Voidmatrix]

This medicine...

Over the last few months, as I put more focus on "finding my voice," the tail end of many journeys have included me just talking. Withholding judgment and just saying what I need to say. I decided to go back to the voice recorder since this is so consistent and therapeutic. The next step is to more regularly listen to these recordings, which is a tall order, as I have a hard time engaging with myself in that way.

Today's <15mg (it may have been the whole 15mg) came at the tail end of a prayer that I sat down for after laying on the Shakti mat for a while. I carry a lot in this life (not to say others don't, they certainly do, I am just expressing how I feel about my situation). I hate asking for help. While I had been on the Shakti mat I reflected on how I kinda need an outlet right now to just be a complete mess with. I am so overwhelmed. A friend, a very sweet, kind, strong, and sovereign man, came to mind. Reflecting further, it's hard for me to "put" my burdens on someone else, to ask someone to briefly carry my load with me. The element of the struggle to trust has been long acknowledged. What hasn't been is this desire for everyone to win. My boss came mind, telling me no, no, no with respect to the reflection, leading me toward the idea that we are a community and everyone needs help. And he's not wrong, but I want everyone to win so much that I kinda wish I could take on the world's burdens so others can be happier. Just make sure I'm fed, housed, and clothed with plenty of DMT, harmalas, and cannabis please.

The prayer was centered on help, something that I ought to have asked for a long time ago. I don't know what help I specifically need, which I acknowledged, and just put general energy out acknowledging and accepting this need. I need help. I am a spiritual person, and the request seemed to open up the channel to something. The masochist in me was also peeking his head out a little bit. I grabbed my brand new APX Volt, turned it on, and preheated it while taking deep breaths with each direction and selecting the song I wanted to listen to. Not feeling as much tension or anxiety, and sitting on the Shakti mat for the dose, I inhaled for a 5 count.

Heavy in my throat, the body load hit hard, setting my back on fire. While it makes me nervous because it is so intense, the pain when I smoalk after laying on the Shakti mat is also enjoyable, and while it was surprising the first few times I handle it fine. My concerns around how I "handle" things needs work, because I worry about it when things are usually fine. Kind of reflects earlier in the day when a big lesson of trusting my thinking and intuition had been delivered, which itself led to a changa yoga flow (I had also been reading @TransistorBass yoga thread too). I noticed the same trauma response I had grabbed a couple weeks ago, and instead of putting the vape down, which I almost did, I held on, patiently observing the unfolding of the experience. I decided I was where I needed and wanted to be, so set it down. I began shaking, which was then a reminder about how I forget myself because I hadn't had a good shake a little while. I laid down and let the healing happen. There were muted visuals, but a body load that would lead one to expect more. I ended up in one of the little void pockets I like. While I want deeper experiences, most of the time these little void pockets are all I need, and I am used to aligning in a minimal way with what I need, not taking much more.

It's okay if I finished the dose and okay if I didn't since I told myself it's okay not to finish it as a way to mitigate the judgment around not getting to where I really want. I have to do this work first, part of which is fundamentally and foundationally continuing to see myself in a better light. I did decide recently though to always redose changa, and to continue working exclusively with 15mg until I am comfortable with it.

In the spirit of help, a couple guide buddies and I are going to have a DMT/changa day where I hope to explore my blocks and move passed some of them. Perhaps I've been too stubborn and need to open my heart and connect a little more for myself with others through this medicine.

Another worry that I am shedding is around set. My headspace always has something up, just the cross I bear. I have been pretty on edge, and I go in anyway. And it's fine. It's fine, Void, it's fine. I gotta give myself some credit around my skill with this shit.

One love