Lost control Auahuasca experience

[jivangilad]

I must say I am pretty experienced with Ayahuasca.
For 9 day, I was taking syrian rue, 1.5 gr every morning, and felt it opens and balances me.
I had a dream that a wave of tsunami is coming and we are escaping it. When it reaches me I hold
a small stick hoping it to save me. I assumed this means I am going to have overwhelming Ayahuasca experience, and shouldn't do it. But I also dreamed another dream, where my Rabi/ freind told me I can take Ayahuasca.
I decided I go to my friend, and do Ayahuasca with him.
I took my normal dosage, 2.5 gr syrian rew, 2.5 mimosa.
I usually find no problem of control in this dosage.
He took 3 gr. syrian rew, 3.5 gr. mimosa.

I started calmly. The, he asked me a few personal questions.
Quickly I started to explode. I was screaming and shouting at him, past traumas and difficulties of my life. Things I was ashamed to tell to anyone. I couldn't stop it, or control what I am saying. It was a nightmare.At one point I told him he looks like Satan, he asked me why, and I told him of the big nose, he wasn't impressed, or insulted. I know I am Satan, god is Satan too. He drank a glass of water and said the jewish prayer. I shouted how do you pray to god that caused you so much suffering. He said god did this because of his own unresolved issues, and complications.
I physically shook him and even bit him. I wanted him to shout at me. Which finally he did, and it calmed me. I have managed to scare him.
It was a very uncontrollable experience. But I felt at last I have been understood. Somebody have listened to my story, and understood it.
I was amazed, how he could have stand me, and be with me. I was very scary and disturbing.
It was very healing experience. I felt very relieved of past issues.
He asked me not to do Ayahuasca again, which I think I will do.
I have asked him to guide me through my healing process, which I hope he will.

 

[endlessness]

How are you integrating what happened?

What lessons did you take from this experience?

What positive changes, if any, are you working on since that experience?



BTW not to nitpick but, if it has no caapi, its not ayahuasca.. You can call it anahuasca (ayahuasca analogue) or whatever else, but I think it gets confusing calling different plants ayahuasca. This of course doesn't mean it's a less important or less beneficial brew, but I think its important to be more accurate about the terms we use.

 

[smokerx]

Sorry you had bad trip and hope this will help you somehow. I am not sure though that a rabbi who calles God satan will be the right one to help you.

Maybe the God is the one you need. Just my two cents.

 

[jivangilad]

I don't know if to call it a bad trip. It was a bad trip maybe, but maybe necessary for healing.
Everybody knows that Ayahuasca is risky, and we take it because we know it worth the risk.

And about the Rabi, he is open minded, in a way I think so other religious figures are missing.
Most are to serious and rigid about their religion in my view.
So today if someone jokes about Muhamad they can find it risky. But he thinks
People should lough at god.

About integrating the lessons. It is still very early to say.
I do feel that now I want to enjoy and experience life fully.
Whereas before I felt I have to.
Another thing, is that I have learned that I can say my opinion, and not be afraid.
So for example, some people where unjustly rude to me and I have stopped it immediately.
Before I would think I should be able to stand it or be nice.
So from I assume such strong and releasing experience will take me a long time to integrate.
I still have a lot of healing to do.

I think in this kind of experience can happen sometimes, both with psychedelics or without.
And it if happens to you, let people you trust, help you.
It is very important to support the people. It can be the difference between Post trauma, and healing experience.

 

[3rdI]

hello jivangilad,

i dont think anyone was judging you they just offered up opinions and advice.

can i ask why you think that Aya is dangerous?

also have you dosed harmalas for several days then drunk a brew? i would guess the harmalas stacked up and this is why the experiences was stronger.

 

[jivangilad]

Thanks. I really appreciate and happy that I can share my experience in this place.
This is great.

Aya is dangerous, I think because it might be unexpected at times.
So you think you know it and then it might suddenly be overwhelming.
And you yourself, might not know what you have inside of yourself that still has not been released.
I had a friend/master who was remarkably knowledgeable about Aya.
He said he can drink a bottle and be fine, because he know its spirit. I couldn't understand
this statement at the time.
He was found dead, hanging on a rope. The police said he committed a suicide. Though
Some of us think he has been murdered.

I was dosing harmalas (syrian rue for 9 days). So this makes sense what you say that it
has made the experience stronger. I did't know this at the time, but I suspected from my dream
that something was going to happen.
This kind of combinations, can be again unexpected. Thanks for mentioning it.

 

[pitubo]

Thanks for sharing your experience!

Is it really the ayahuacsa that is dangerous or is it the sudden and uncontrolled release of pent up repressed emotions that is dangerous? My vote is for the latter. We should not project our personal responsibilities for ourselves onto ayahuasca or anything else that influences us.

Notwithstanding the above, engaging extraordinary states of mind is a risky endeavour indeed. It should always be accompanied by a thorough preparation. Awareness of the potential of personal issues coming to the surface and intentful awareness of the need to address these issues in a mature and responsible manner is a necessity.

Your friend took quite hit for you and from you. I hope that have made good with him for all that he has done for you.

BTW not to nitpick but, if it has no caapi, its not ayahuasca.. You can call it anahuasca (ayahuasca analogue) or whatever else, but I think it gets confusing calling different plants ayahuasca. This of course doesn't mean it's a less important or less beneficial brew, but I think its important to be more accurate about the terms we use.

Sorry to nitpick about your nitpicking, but IMHO caapi "ayahuasca" is not so clear either. There is a lot of variation in types of caapi and that is if only referring to the vine part of the concoction. If the other ingredients are considered as well, the accuracy that you would like to see becomes a moving and wobbly blur.

Accuracy of description is good and useful. If people specifiy the exact ingredients of their brew (wich in this case OP did) and the amounts ingested (ideally in terms of effective actives), then there is sufficient accuracy, I think.

While "ayahuasca" in its native context is strongly tied to the caapi vine, contemporary use of the term in modern culture commonly uses "ayahuasca" as a generic term to refer to a functional combination of DMT and MAOI. Perhaps the term "traditional ayahuasca" can be used to specify the original potion?

 

[jivangilad]

Your friend took quite hit for you and from you. I hope that have made good with him for all that he has done for you.

I have asked him actually.
He said he was fully with me in the experience.
He said he has learned not to be too scared.
It also opened something in him.
I think what I was doing maybe partly unconsciously, was that I wanted to see
him showing he is upset, and not so nice always. I wanted to shake him.
Though it might have been very difficult for him, I felt, he actually could feel
my feeling of horror and trauma, and not just speaking calmly about it.
It really registered to him.
So in this sense it was this, that was so healing for me.
That I felt he really understood me.
This is something that will definitely will be extremely difficult for most of us.