Mormon upbringing rearing its ugly head.

[Meternik]

Hello brothers and sisters of the nexus,

I was wondering if any of you are facing a similar situation as i.
As fate would have it i was born in to a very religious household that indoctrinated me into believing that "leaving the flock of Mormonism" is the most serious of sins. That is something that i don't really take to heart at all. It is the side effects of such an upbringing that i am wrestling with.

I was always told that drugs are bad, even tea and coffee. I was told that those who live such lifestyles have been tricked by Satan and have completely destroyed their lives and have shamed their families. And on top of that they wont go to heaven.

Me being the free thinker that i am, i chose to question everything that i was taught. This line of thinking brought me to countless hours a toking the bud.

Eventually my parents caught me being a pot head by finding my gravity bong and homemade pipes, and just assumed i was doing Meth and Heroin( mind you i was a simple pot-head and occasional shroom/acid man). My entire family shunned me. I was 17 when that happened, and once i turned 18 they kicked me out of my home and onto the streets with the clothes on my back.

I was homeless for a month. Yeah i know that others have had it worse, but think of the mind job that has on a kid. My entire world was completely destroyed. I had no option of apologizing to my dad for getting into drug because they didn't want to know me once they found out what life i was choosing for myself. That experience threw me into the deepest depression i have ever known and gave me crippling anxiety.

I dealt with the depression, but the anxiety has remained 12+ years later. I have learned to live with it, and it has given me the fire to get 2 bachelor degrees and i am currently working towards a Masters.

Later as luck would have it i stumbled upon this site. I ordered mimosa, extracted some spice and made me a mini machine.

My first time smoking the spice, i didn't break through, but i was blasted with the crippling anxiety that was my world when i was 18-20 dealing with the life my family thrust on me, and that the drugs were the direct cause of losing my family. And that i was a complete fuck up for doing drugs.

I learned something during that first trip. I am NOT a fuck up(I'm working on a Masters for christ sake). I am lucky to have left a religion that praises the members for being sheep, and guilt's the member whose personality type finds fulfillment in free thinking.

The anxiety that automatically came during my dmt trip was my body remembering that when i was on a hallucinogen my life was completely destroyed. I was homeless. I was always hungry. I had no family to turn to. I had to steal to eat and clean my body. And it was during that era that i had my first depression, anxiety, and a profound identity crisis.

What happened when i was 18 was that my dad made a snap judgement of me(that i was a loser druggy) which completely altered my life, for the rest of my life.

The second time i smoked DMT i was hit with that anxiety again(i didn't break through). But this time i realized that my life is solid now. I have built myself a life that other peoples quick snap judgement of me will NOT destroy my life as it did before. That realization didn't stop the anxiety, but it DID give me something to think about and use in my ever quest of sorting out that era of my life.

So now my logic is, anxiety will be there when i smoke the spice. It causes me to chicken out half way through. So my remedy to this is i purchased the GVG. When it arrives i will put 20 mg in the pipe and stay with it until the breakthrough. I am hoping for a quick breakthrough so i don't have time to have that automatic needless anxiety to stop me.
I am hoping that a breakthrough will help me see the absurdity of holding on to the past. I am hoping that a breakthrough will help my subconscious not go into panic mode when i do a hallucinogen. I know that it will take me my entire life to overcome this, but i hope that DMT will aid me in seeing things as they truly are, thus moving on from my past with a clearer understanding. I am hoping for a catharsis, and i am hoping that the dmt will be the catalyst of change that has eluded me for the past 12+ years.

So my question to my fellow nexiuns is, have any of you been affected like this? and is it wise to hasten the breakthrough as to avoid the automatic anxiety that comes to me by doing a hallucinogen?

Sorry for the length of this.

 

[redeyes drag on]

drugs were the direct cause of losing my family

I see the narrow mindedness of your so-called family being the direct cause. It really infuriates me to see how some can be so blindly led by religion. I commend you for being a free thinker and being able to break free from your religious background, it's just to bad it came at the cost of your family.

Sorry I have never really had any dmt related anxiety but there is no need to rush into a breakthrough, and after it does happen the anxiety will most likely lessen.

 

[SWIMfriend]

A pretty rotten story of abuse, Meternik. You have my profoundest sympathy and understanding for having that kind of poisonous shit focused upon you by your family. It's ugly. I hope you will come to the understanding that the problem is not, and never was, YOU--the problem is the mindlessness of your parents, and the crap they decided to put in their weak minds...

...on the bright side, you should be GENUINELY THANKFUL that you were born with a mind built to seek something more than drivel.

Others might be better suited to address your specific problem than I am, but I wonder, have you ever considered ayahuasca (or even a large dose of mushrooms) to help you "break the ice" of deeper experiences? Certainly, they're one way to avoid the "do or die" tension of a serious vape?

 

[zedwings]

You are a true hero my friend. You broke free from the shackles of a horribly oppressive community - that takes some guts. Even though they kicked you out, you made the decision not to follow their silly dogmatic system. I salute you.

I've been plagued with anxieties myself in the past but I refuse to let them ruin my DMT experiences. I load up my pipe, take a deep breath, say "fuck it", and hit the pipe...hard.

Face your fears. Look them dead in the eye.

 

[Bill Cipher]

I can actually relate to your current dillemma, although our backgrounds and specific personal experiences bear very little resemblance. I do however grapple with many years of programming telling me that what I'm doing is bad (for me personally), and this can of course be anxiety producing and make for some challenging experiences. There's no easy way around this, unfortunately. The experience has a way of exposing belief systems for what they are, but these realizations generally come with hindsight, not in the moment itself. When it hits, hyperspace can certainly be a rorschach-like house of horrors. It can also be incomprehensibly beautiful, uplifting and life-affirming.

I will say that upping the dose may effectively force you out of your own way, but the terror experienced in a low dose scenario pales in comparison to the (potential) epic horror of breaking through. If, however, it's catharsis you're after, I think you should find it in spades. My advice, if this is what you're truly after, is to have a trusted sitter present to hold you accountable to finish whatever dose you set out to administer, and then endeavor to let it all go, dissolve completely and just go bask in that timeless explosion of love, beauty and self-acceptance which is truly your due and birthright.

 

[Meternik]

Thanks everyone. The kindness you directed at me means alot to me.
What i love about DMT is that it is such a quick experience.
With shrooms, something i love, i have to plan the entire day around. While with DMT i am done in 30 minutes. With that, the intense anxiety leaves too.
I think this is something that i do need to just hit head on. Ya know, take the bull by the horns and such.
When i get my GVG i will post how my first experience is with it. I'm ready for the awesomeness.

 

[Meternik]

Also, just yesterday i formally put in my resignation letter to the mormon church.
Oddly enough it was a very liberating experience.
I have divorced myself mentally and spiritually from that belief system ever since my family kicked me out, so i felt no real reason to give them the benefit of me acknowledging them as even a small part of my life.
That church babtized me without my knowledge or consent, so i figured i will leave without their knowledge or consent.
But sending them a letter of resignation really made me feel lighter.
Now i am waiting for the local bishop, missionaries, etc. to come and "see if everything is alright".
I love how uber-religious people see leaving their fold as some sort of terminal illness.

 

[Umantis]

similiar story here, although my mom's fundamentalist xian church wasn't mainstream enough to have a name familiar enough for anyone to recognize. I bailed out when my balls dropped, luckily I had other family nearby to help me through. it helped that my parents were literally mentally ill and it wasn't just religion, but from where i've been it's a fine line IMO.


luckily weed showed up soon thereafter and i started my journey down the rabbit hole (still going) - but the panic attacks continued to do harm. for me it worked best to intentionally trigger the panic in small doses and get some separation, observe my reaction and try new things to adjust and cope. if this sounds like it could work. you want to trigger any flashbacks from a crazy fundamentalist religious upbringing, this site works great Landover Baptist Church | God's favorite website! - don't say i didn't warn ya!

wish my solution had more to do with DMT than all these other answers but i'm just trying to help and share what I know. good luck to ya

 

[SWIMfriend]

Meternik and Umantis,

You're both awesome guys for thinking for yourselves. You both deserve HUGE praise--I can only imagine the sort of integrity it must take to walk away from entire families in its (your integrity's) service.

Meternik, if you haven't heard of exmormon.org, please check them out. They have a LOT of experience helping mormons who are in ANY stage of the process of exiting the mormon church.

 

[anrchy]

I was moved by your post. You truly are a courageous human being. You to umantis. It's so disgusting to me that any religion could be capable of doing such things in "the name of god"

I get massive amounts of anxiety before dosing. It causes me to chicken out, I even get shaky or sweaty when I start thinking about possibly doing it. I've been on a break for a little while. I was going to just hit it head on and do a large dose but I kept second guessing myself so I decided to wait and let DMT call for me instead. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my fears and anxieties. Mine also stem from childhood issues. They are very difficult to combat, but being aware of how your brain works mentally will help you in figuring out your anxiety. DMT has helped me learn many things and I have worked through a lot of problems because of it. Listen and it will teach.

 

[Meternik]

Thanks anrchy. I know that working with dmt i must let go and let it take me were it wants to. I feel lucky that i am a type of person who likes to face my fears. I love learning about the human brain. I think that is what i need to focus on when i smoke dmt.
Think about how awesome everything is, and that neural connections in my brain is aligning in such a way as to encounter experiences i never dreamed possible.

 

[Eliyahu]

I can identify with your post for certain. I was 17 when My mom kicked me out of her house for being a pothead and taking LSD. A major difference is that my mother is a self proclaimed "witch" who is was once head of her own little coven.

I too deal with major psychological issues that I harbor around to this day almost 20 years later because my family(not just my mom) has abandoned me for the reason that I smoke weed and take psychedelics..

One thing I would humbly suggest is not to let your extremely horrible experience with religion completely close your mind to the idea that there may be a God and a Messiah. Perhaps consider the idea that if God and Christ do exist...they have nothing to do with "Church" or "religion".

I hope I don't come off all preachy like... I just want to propose the possibility to you because I have noticed that this type of super negative experience with organized religion during childhood tends to turn people into atheists. Marilyn Manson for example claims that his experiences in catholic school led him to his current philosophy. (not that I'm comparing you to Marilyn Manson by any means).

Not that I have any problem with atheists per say, I just don't think a bad childhood experience with religion is a good reason to deny the existence of god and turn ones back on the whole idea of a Higher Power.

 

[○]

Very moving post. It certainly takes a strong person to be kicked out to the streets and pull around to start working on a masters degree. You definitely have some amazing qualities being that you were able to make a 180 like that. Most people would just curl up in a ball and give up in that situation.

As art was saying..higher dosages of dmt..especially in one go..will shatter every single fragment of anything that you would consider to be yourself, your beliefs, and your reality/world.....no questions asked...period. I know many people say to start low, but I would say when you find a comfortable setting and can sit back and be in a "relaxed" state of being...I would aim for 30-40mg in the GVG. Some might consider that "too far", but to me...if you truly want to see whats making all this racket..then I would advise to go for it friend. Just remember that it will ALL BE OK AND YOU ARE COMING BACK. :thumb_up:

Much love,

 

[The Observer]

Religion............

Seems to boast forgiveness and love.......

Yea.......right....

In my opinion, religion is one of the major reasons for violence thruout the ages.........

I go by my own personal philosphy, which makes me responsible for my life, without counting on some invisible religious figure to "save" me....

Makes much more sense to me.

I believe if there was no mention of religion until you were 18 or 21, most people would never buy into what religion brainwashes most from the cradle to grave.....

And OP, by the way, don't be so sure about it taking the rest of your life to get over it.......especially with dmt, change can occur in an instant!

IMHO

To each their own, but listen to George Carlin on religion (see youtube link below)

 

[Muskogee Herbman]

Incredible story. I applaud you for overcoming some tremendous trauma. DMT can show you love and what love means. Religion can't teach you true love because of the fact that it excludes people from the group. True love is universal and transcends beyond all beliefs.
I'm glad you turned that fire into education instead of drugs. You are indeed a very solid individual.
What are you perusing? I'm working on a M.Arch degree

 

[anrchy]

Religion............

Seems to boast forgiveness and love.......

Yea.......right....

In my opinion, religion is one of the major reasons for violence thruout the ages.........

I go by my own personal philosphy, which makes me responsible for my life, without counting on some invisible religious figure to "save" me....

Makes much more sense to me.

I believe if there was no mention of religion until you were 18 or 21, most people would never buy into what religion brainwashes most from the cradle to grave.....

And OP, by the way, don't be so sure about it taking the rest of your life to get over it.......especially with dmt, change can occur in an instant!

IMHO

To each their own, but listen to George Carlin on religion (see youtube link below)

Actually quite a few people find god later on in life beyond the age of 21. I don't think all religions are brainwashing or bad. Whether there is a god or not I think everyone should choose their own path. It's all in what you do with it that determines whether its a bad thing or not. I don't participate in any religion myself. I'm open minded about our existence. If there is a god or not doesn't matter in my opinion. What I think is most important is living well and being positive towards other people. Living in harmony sometimes requires you to unlabel yourself.

 

[AlbertKLloyd]

I find that the damage that the LDS church can facilitate can be found in any organized religion and is common to all Biblical religions, it is worse in those that maintain the Bible is the literal word of God than in any of the others. If you know about the history of the Bible you know how suspect and questionable it is and how teaching people that it is literally true in all parts, aspects and cases does tremendous damage to a persons ability to think and judge for themselves.

I was raised LDS, however my mother was raised Baptist and all of the same essential problems existed in that cult as well.


All religions from Abraham and Moses are spiritual poison.
They should be tolerated only insofar as they do not force themselves upon others.

 

[Meternik]

Muskogee Herbman I am working towards a masters in communicative disorders. I want to work with people who have had brain injuries, and lost the ability to speak, re-learn how to speak.

It is amazing how the brain can be damaged pretty intensely and has the ability to adapt and repair itself.

I can say if i never was faced with depression and anxiety because of religion i never would have wanted to know about the brain/mind.

I learned that depression isn't in humans who are weak willed. It is purely brain chemistry. And i think it is awesome we can influence it through our diet, medication we take, the amount of exercise we do, and meditation.

I can safely say i am way better off without the negative influence of organized religion. I just get frustrated by the social conditioning still having influence over me.

But hey, if life was perfect i would be bored.

I love and respect the divine struggle which is life.

 

[The Electric Hippy]

I too went through a period when my family knew I was "doubting the faith" and they are still trying to come to terms with the fact that I am an atheist. It's become the elephant in the room that no one talks about. Fortunately, I am not in the same position as you were in to be ousted (I am a bread winner in the family, so to speak). But I have met people who either left or changed religions and suffered severe persecution for their actions.

Personally, it just kinda reinforces my belief that religion, as Christopher Hitchens put it, does indeed poison everything. It attacks us in our deepest integrity and gives us permission to do the most vial things (genital mutilation, murder, slavery, etc.) No one would ever mutilate a small boy's penis with a knife without thinking they had divine permission to do so.

I would like to point out that I am in no way against a personal belief in God or spirituality of any kind, nor am I like some other atheists who consider believers "fools". I recognize that most people are quiet, well mannered believers who are not doing a lot of the evil things that most atheists take issue with. My bones are strictly with organized religion and the evil it breeds.