Hello 
First of all I would like to say that I have almost been moved to tears by the outstanding attitude this community embodies, and thus have decided that you may be able to offer me guidance pertaining to the crossroad I am at. My father informed me that he may be doing a pure DMT extract in the near future, and has offered to share the experience with me. Now, my father is a very competent organic chemist (university education) who I can trust to do a skilled extraction and has had extensive experience with producing and using psychoactive substances in the past (most notably large doses of psilocybin mushrooms and veterinary grade intravenous ketamine) although has had no encounters with DMT. However, I have had a very limited experience with psychoactives, including: alcohol, cannabis, JWH-018, a small amount of intravenous mephedrone (which was a singular occasion), and also prescribed pharmaceuticals (SSRIs) which I will explain further on. I have been very interested for a long time in exploring the effects of hallucinogenic substances but have been set back by a number of issues, which is what I have come here to discuss.
Firstly are a couple of difficulties I have had with cannabis, one being (what I felt to be) a panic attack. I have problems telling people about these experiences because there appears to be a stigma surrounding "having psychological issues with cannabis" that seems to provoke some people into judging your mental competency and willpower. Although I do enjoy cannabis as a means of enhancing my senses (eating, listening to music, etc), I've never felt the relaxed "melt into the couch" sensation that many rave about, contrarily I tend to feel 'edgy' and generally uncomfortable. There have been occasions where I have been quite paranoid, one such event culminating in the aforementioned panic attack. There are a few themes I have pinpointed that spark my occasional bouts of paranoia; one being a habit I have to question all the elements of reality (such as, how can we define truth) and my dumbfounded curiosity at the strangeness and absurdity of everything. Accompanying this I also sometimes try to imagine the intensity of say, LSD, which can cause me distress in an inebriated state. The largest factor, however, is a fear I have of arousing a dormant mental illness that I am not aware of (I'll go into detail on the stem of this later). When under the effect of cannabis, the three of these thoughts combined can result in some very unsettling 'highs'.
Now I'll give a brief history of my psychological state, as with that of my relatives in the hope that it will aid in the formation of any advice I may be offered. 2 years ago I was quite depressed by strong existential feelings of worthlessness and 'the human condition', in retrospect I felt this coincided with an 'awakening', so to say, of self awareness and that of other people's awareness of me. For this my parents sent me to a psychiatrist where I was prescribed an anti-depressant (20mg daily, although I cannot remember which one specifically) and an anti-psychotic (low dose, invega). I have since discontinued use and generally feel more content with my state of being than I ever have. There seems to be a trend on my mother's line for depression (which she suffered herself, as did her mother, and so on). Last year both my parents were inflicted by multiple episodes of drug induced psychosis caused be a debilitating and out of control stimulant addiction (research chemicals). For me this was a very traumatic experience, and hence I have formed a fear of developing a psychotic illness myself (as I previously mentioned), not for my sake of "sanity", but more so how I have seen it affect those close to the afflicted person. Also, to give a complete view of the mental history of my family, my great grandfather on my father's side developed dementia at a late age.
This brings me to the crux of my post, why am I considering trying DMT in the first place? And do I think I am ready for such a leap? Before my father suggested the idea of me taking it with him, I had for quite some time sadly resigned that I would never be able to safely experiment with hallucinogens due to my troubles with cannabis. On the other hand, the possible situation is very attractive to me; taking a low dose of DMT in the safety of my father's house with him as a sitter. The short duration of DMT is also a comforting thought. I am compelled to try DMT because of my curious nature; not only with substances, but with the universe itself (and whatever that includes). I'm not looking to find the answers to life, or a cliched profound state of well being, instead I wish to stare selflessly into the abyss, accepting the pain, happiness, humility, or whatever unclassifiable feelings, thoughts, or visions that may confront me. Am I ready for such a gigantic bound? A possibly life altering experience? I'm not sure if anyone could possibly answer this affirmatively with conviction until they have been brought right to the edge of the DMT experience.
I'm very sorry this has been such a wall of text, but I wanted to give as much information as possible so that I may receive the best guidance as possible. Are my issues with cannabis a sure sign that this is not for me? Does my condition sound as if I may have an affinity towards developing a mental illness? I understand that what I am asking is of a very personal nature, and that it is difficult to give an opinion on such a thing, but I humbly appeal for you to give me any thoughts and feedback you can. Thank you so very much for reading this.
First of all I would like to say that I have almost been moved to tears by the outstanding attitude this community embodies, and thus have decided that you may be able to offer me guidance pertaining to the crossroad I am at. My father informed me that he may be doing a pure DMT extract in the near future, and has offered to share the experience with me. Now, my father is a very competent organic chemist (university education) who I can trust to do a skilled extraction and has had extensive experience with producing and using psychoactive substances in the past (most notably large doses of psilocybin mushrooms and veterinary grade intravenous ketamine) although has had no encounters with DMT. However, I have had a very limited experience with psychoactives, including: alcohol, cannabis, JWH-018, a small amount of intravenous mephedrone (which was a singular occasion), and also prescribed pharmaceuticals (SSRIs) which I will explain further on. I have been very interested for a long time in exploring the effects of hallucinogenic substances but have been set back by a number of issues, which is what I have come here to discuss.
Firstly are a couple of difficulties I have had with cannabis, one being (what I felt to be) a panic attack. I have problems telling people about these experiences because there appears to be a stigma surrounding "having psychological issues with cannabis" that seems to provoke some people into judging your mental competency and willpower. Although I do enjoy cannabis as a means of enhancing my senses (eating, listening to music, etc), I've never felt the relaxed "melt into the couch" sensation that many rave about, contrarily I tend to feel 'edgy' and generally uncomfortable. There have been occasions where I have been quite paranoid, one such event culminating in the aforementioned panic attack. There are a few themes I have pinpointed that spark my occasional bouts of paranoia; one being a habit I have to question all the elements of reality (such as, how can we define truth) and my dumbfounded curiosity at the strangeness and absurdity of everything. Accompanying this I also sometimes try to imagine the intensity of say, LSD, which can cause me distress in an inebriated state. The largest factor, however, is a fear I have of arousing a dormant mental illness that I am not aware of (I'll go into detail on the stem of this later). When under the effect of cannabis, the three of these thoughts combined can result in some very unsettling 'highs'.
Now I'll give a brief history of my psychological state, as with that of my relatives in the hope that it will aid in the formation of any advice I may be offered. 2 years ago I was quite depressed by strong existential feelings of worthlessness and 'the human condition', in retrospect I felt this coincided with an 'awakening', so to say, of self awareness and that of other people's awareness of me. For this my parents sent me to a psychiatrist where I was prescribed an anti-depressant (20mg daily, although I cannot remember which one specifically) and an anti-psychotic (low dose, invega). I have since discontinued use and generally feel more content with my state of being than I ever have. There seems to be a trend on my mother's line for depression (which she suffered herself, as did her mother, and so on). Last year both my parents were inflicted by multiple episodes of drug induced psychosis caused be a debilitating and out of control stimulant addiction (research chemicals). For me this was a very traumatic experience, and hence I have formed a fear of developing a psychotic illness myself (as I previously mentioned), not for my sake of "sanity", but more so how I have seen it affect those close to the afflicted person. Also, to give a complete view of the mental history of my family, my great grandfather on my father's side developed dementia at a late age.
This brings me to the crux of my post, why am I considering trying DMT in the first place? And do I think I am ready for such a leap? Before my father suggested the idea of me taking it with him, I had for quite some time sadly resigned that I would never be able to safely experiment with hallucinogens due to my troubles with cannabis. On the other hand, the possible situation is very attractive to me; taking a low dose of DMT in the safety of my father's house with him as a sitter. The short duration of DMT is also a comforting thought. I am compelled to try DMT because of my curious nature; not only with substances, but with the universe itself (and whatever that includes). I'm not looking to find the answers to life, or a cliched profound state of well being, instead I wish to stare selflessly into the abyss, accepting the pain, happiness, humility, or whatever unclassifiable feelings, thoughts, or visions that may confront me. Am I ready for such a gigantic bound? A possibly life altering experience? I'm not sure if anyone could possibly answer this affirmatively with conviction until they have been brought right to the edge of the DMT experience.
I'm very sorry this has been such a wall of text, but I wanted to give as much information as possible so that I may receive the best guidance as possible. Are my issues with cannabis a sure sign that this is not for me? Does my condition sound as if I may have an affinity towards developing a mental illness? I understand that what I am asking is of a very personal nature, and that it is difficult to give an opinion on such a thing, but I humbly appeal for you to give me any thoughts and feedback you can. Thank you so very much for reading this.
