something is wrong with me

[acacian]

yeah mate sounds a lot like what i have gone through can really relate

 

[space face]

Honestly sounds just like me a few winters back, my best advice is to try to get out of your head and into this physical reality as much as you can. Don't trip anymore (at least untill your current state subsides and you KNOW your ready again) but implement and manifest all the lessons you've learned from past trips into your life here and now. Slowly elightenment, trancendance, whatever you want to call it, will approach you. Also, listen to a lot of Terrence McKenna if you don't already, one speech that helped me out a TON when I was stuck in a deep rut was titled dreaming awake and I would definatly recommend checking it out. Other than that, good luck man and take it easy!

 

[acacian]

by the way mate.. i think its really beautiful the way you opened up. that in itself is a form of healing too. transparency is important in keeping one sane
i think of dmt as a bit of a doctor for me. it shows me what i need to work on and integrate into my life. for a while i didn't quite understand that so literally and thought dmt would just heal my problems, but they kept coming back and i finally realised that i'm going to need to put in some serious effort myself if the healing is going to work

 

[Walter D. Roy]

I can relate to this very much, I have always felt a "let down" feeling after most drugs. On another thread with something similar to this someone said "Not to use the spice for escapism". And to some extent that is probably what people (who experience levels of depression) strive for. And for the striving for enlightenment part, no I don't think it unwise. But you must understand that the spice will most likely not enlighten you fully. It will however open your mind.

Hope this helps some!
Best of luck!

 

[unansweredquestions]

It seems as if society wants insecure/depressed people to be hermits, It seems to be geared to make the confident and satisfyed even more confident and satisfyed, while neglecting those who lack these things..

Maybe here in lies the issue. My take on it is that depression and lack of confidence largely rely on peoples perception. It seems the above quote shows you're more negative outlooks. Its generally aggreed this is largely due to two reasons, physiologically and you're learned behavior.

Perhaps if you addressed this outlook on a physical perspective- in that you look to exercise and go jogging (or any physical activity that will get the blood pumping and serotonin flowing) you will actually feel better, in a sense that you will have more endorphans flowing. Not only that, but you'll look better and feel better which helps develop confidence and provide a way to start a bassis for positive thought

Following that, look to see the positive in things. I too have gone down some dark allys with my deep thinking; I've found engaging my thoughts in more constructive outlets has done me a world of good. Personally, im a big fan of random documentaries, just engaging in new topics does it for me.

One final thing, im a huge pyschadelic fan. However, I've seen people go down the route of looking to a drug for answers and as we know, pyschs rarely teach on you're terms. Its dangerous to keep pushing till they do. You wana feel more confident day to day? you're going to have to work on it day in day out. But it will happen...

And remember, you cant blame society. You can only move onwards and upwards! Chin up mate.

 

[InneffableThings]

Read the introductions to the following 2 books and see if they call to you. If not don't sweat it. They are both focused on dealing with this side of reality, for a person who has been well-acquainted with (one of the) other sides of reality:

The Way of The Superior Man

Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior



Also, this 2 part interview from buddhistgeeks discusses "The Dark Side of Dharma" with language I find quite helpful for identifying what seems to be some common difficult parts of the path.


To add my personal intuitive response to what's been said, truly relaxed (close to ego-less) consciousness is in action loving the world, knowing it's individual place (purpose) to serve the liberation of all living things. It's the bodhisattva dilemma. So a person trying to force their self to not do something deep down they know they should (and instead sitting on a cushion perhaps), cannot be at peace. Peace and action are one in the same.

No need to ever feel bad though, guilt/shame are just distractions from what needs to be done

Just my 2 cents

Many blessings and best wishes, and genuine love

 

[korbbit]

I have noted all the speakers/books you all recommended and will definately check them out.

Against some advice, i smoked that last dose I had waiting. this time I had trusted friends in the room. I was almost instantly met with the same feeling as last time. i feel a little more able to describe it now. I see ALOT of eyes, in a dark, scary, deep 3D room. I feel frightened because it is so foreign, and ... judgemental or something, and I want it to go away. But because im familiar with the feeling now, and know il be fine at the end of it, I was able to accept it. as soon as my resistance diminished my heart rate slowed DRAMATICALLY, and the visuals, which were by now pretty light(i could have easily walked around and stuff) became pink and liquiddy and calming..

My loose conclusion from my dmt experiences so far is that it takes a type of strength to handle it, you need to be able to accept this sort of alien presence into your whole being. once theres no resistance, its no longer foreign at all.. its like my favourite part of me..

still left me with a feeling of dissapointment afterwards but im not lingering in it.

DMT land is such a strange place! after a break Im definately going back, without resistance.

 

[Electric Kool-Aid]

I just wanted to agree on the working out thing. Go to a gym or run or some physical activities. They really help!! I would workout in the morning doing cardio and weights. I can tell you that I felt healthy and most of all.. I accomplished something!! I felt great because I knew I accomplished that excersize that day and something was done! I still had to go to work after and work another 8 hours at work. But while I was at work I would think about that "I did it!! I accomplished my workout" and then see my progress of weights going up. I would look in the morror and see myself changing for the better. Man, after a workout I was so tired, but as about 2 hours goes by, a meal and a ton of water... I felt GREAT!!!!

Thats all I have to say... Workouts make you feel proud and great. You will feel like you can run any time, hike, or just know you are getting healthy and it boosts your mind and feelings. Give it a try! But you have to push yourself!

Goodluck!

 

[korbbit]

I eat heaps of veges and fruit, and ride a bike everyday. i used to workout out every second day but now its more like once a week..
It does make me feel healthy. healthiness isnt the problem, im pretty sure of it. My problems are almost completely tied to my social life. and those problems stem from confidence issues. i tend to go in my head all the time and beat myself up, or others who i envy, because I have grown to be such a passive "beta male". Well I actually act pretty well, alot of people get the impression that I am quite a confident person, I have always strived to mimick confidence as well as I can. But when It comes to one on one conversation or any kind of real self expression my true insecurity becomes shamefully obvious

 

[BananaForeskin]

My loose conclusion from my dmt experiences so far is that it takes a type of strength to handle it, you need to be able to accept this sort of alien presence into your whole being. once theres no resistance, its no longer foreign at all.. its like my favourite part of me..

Sounds like you're on the right track, mate

 

[InneffableThings]

My problems are almost completely tied to my social life. and those problems stem from confidence issues. i tend to go in my head all the time and beat myself up, or others who i envy, because I have grown to be such a passive "beta male". Well I actually act pretty well, alot of people get the impression that I am quite a confident person, I have always strived to mimick confidence as well as I can. But when It comes to one on one conversation or any kind of real self expression my true insecurity becomes shamefully obvious

From Shambhala:

In that way, the warrior begins to understand the meaning of unconditional confidence. The Tibetan word for confidence is ziji. Zi means “shine” or “glitter,” and ji means “splendor,” or “dignity,” and sometimes also has the sense of “monolithic.” So ziji expresses shining out, rejoicing while remaining dignified. Sometimes confidence means that, being in a choiceless state, you trust in yourself and use your savings, information, strength, good memory, and stiff upper lip, and you accelerate your aggression and tell yourself that you’re going to make it. That is the way of amateur warriors. In this case, confidence does not mean that you have confidence in something, but it is remaining in the state of confidence, free from competition or one-upmanship. This is an unconditional state in which you simply possess an unwavering state of mind that needs no reference point. There is no room for doubt; even the question of doubt does not occur. This kind of confidence contains gentleness, because the notion of fear does not arise; sturdiness, because in the state of confidence there is ever-present resourcefulness; and joy, because trusting in the heart brings a greater sense of humor. This confidence can manifest as majesty, elegance, and richness in a person’s life. How to realize those qualities in your life is the topic of Part Two of this book.

 

[original_sessions]

I am chasing some sort of "enlightenment"...

"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder." - Henry David Thoreau

IMO, chasing after anything is to fail to see that what we seek is already within ourselves. The universe is both within and without you. As Alan Watts would say: "Don't get caught playing hide and seek with yourself."

Best wishes.

 

[kyrolima]

psychedelics will show you the way
of course you will have to go on your own,
but the more light there is
the easier it is to walk the path

 

[Lichen]

One thing we all need to be aware of is how our egos build and maintain our sense of identity- sometimes destructively. Even in your posts, where you are simply trying to explain yourself, there are multiple mentions of you being a depressed, isolated person. The ego will take statements like that, turn them into mantras, and they become part of the structure from which your identity hangs. Try being mindful of how you refer to yourself, as these things can be self- perpetuating. It's one thing to say that you feel lonely and depressed... And another thing entirely to call yourself a lonely, depressed person. One is a temporary state, the other is an aspect of permanent identity.

This. Very well articulated my friend.

 

[korbbit]

Thanks to who ever recommended terence mckenna, i really like his outlook

 

[Ez]

Called by something greater than us to do something bigger than us.

 

[korbbit]

This thread is 7 months old but i just wanted to leave this here for anyone who reads it.. Since writing this I have changed so much its unbelievable. Really. All of a sudden after more experimenting with dmt, alot of helpful ideas and information, and some just painfully honest self relflection and big lifestyle changes(quit smoking[have barely even had a CRAVING in over 4 months] and running or working out every day) i have really begun to shine. i had previously never had a girlfriend and a few weeks after starting to really do this stuff i began to find it much simpler to express myself i guess, it became increasingly easy to just let my behaviour happen.. i wish i could explain it better. Iv been in a GREAT relationship for over a month now, which i think is what I REALLY needed.
Thanks so much to everyone who posted here, i re-read everyones replies and was blown away by the wisdom in some of them that i was simply blind to earlier this year. amazing

 

[JacksonMetaller]

Dmt saved me for a while. It healed my awful depression. But slowly the problems are coming back. Your ego is like your skin it seems. You can only pick at it and destroy it so many times before it comes back tougher and calloused. I've noticed many of my high dosing psychedelic junkie friends are some of the most egotistical people I know. That's what I'm struggling with right now. I'm not blaming the drug though, it's certainly a character flaw, but the realization that I have not only been building myself more confident, but in fact overly confident is starting to cause a new sort of depression for me. I used to hate the world but now I see myself as slimy and scummy as the rest of it.

So point is, tread with caution. Dmt can certainly be healing, but if you're looking to kill your ego only do it when you need to. You don't want to make it stronger. That's not to say you should only do dmt x amount of times, but approach it in relation to what you're looking to gain. If its good laughs and getting messed up then go hog wild. If you really intend to gain something from it treat it with respect and don't start pulling out and applying knowledge from hyperspace on a daily basis

 

[Blackandblue]

Hey

I don't know about hallucinogens but ego death isn't that hard, or even a big deal.
It's easy with eastern buddhism. Be careful not to fall for the superficial aspects that are part of a lot of buddhist teachings.
However, personally, and from the impression of a lot of people here who have experienced it an involuntarily come back, it's not 'the end of the world' or even something desirable.
By extension, it shouldn't be the end of your world if you want to live 'everything'.
It sounds like you want to end things and ego death IS more appropriate for that, but before diving in through eastern methods you should try and understand the concept as best you can (scholarly readings) if you want to be able to navigate your way back to your identity.
It's merely peaceful. If you are troubled, it's a living death.

I think the path of the Bodhisattva and the Buddha are for a miserable lot, and that one Hindu perspective of becoming a kind of 'god', or beyond 'god', is more desirable than becoming 'one with the universe' or becoming nothing.

In other words, I suspect there is nothing intrinsically great or grand about nirvana and that there are ways 'beyond it' accessible to those unliberated simply because there is allegedly no reason for a 'liberated' soul to do and be at a distinctly individual level [nor can we assume emergent properties of the universe at this level, which I think is leaves open the possibility of something more epic]

Ego death = A step towards 'moksha' = no misery = what you sound like you want = what satisfies your 'soul mind and body' as dependent upon taking the steps towards ego death = not instrinsically good = not something you should aspire towards.

What i'm trying to say, very badly, is to continue to despair like me. It is preferable to peace. An alternative may arive. Until then, you can get a taste of ego death from extremely high doses of shrooms, dmt and ketamine apparently.

The k-hole severes your brain from your body, so I guess that's a physical 'ego death'.

I don't know whether it's the same thing since I haven't done K.

BUT, I do know that the experience of ego death from an traditional perspective was what I could call 'peace in an abyss' that you couldn't escape unless you intended to before hand. And I even had to forget that to do it, and to claim I was returning for the purpose of enlightening others.

TL;dr: Crazy derailed rant about how I could get the 'esoteric' experience while being not sincere so maybe there is no spiritual component, only mental/physical which drugs can replicate (but maybe offer so much more!!!?).

Oh gawd, please don't ban me forever...

 

[Guyomech]

Sounds like you've made some significant progress, congrats!

It's funny how self confidence works: the more you have, it seems, then the more you CAN have. At least, on the surface, it can seem that way. But I'd like to reiterate something that was said by a few people responding to your original post: all those strong, happy, confident people around you are in fact struggling just as much as you are, and in many cases are working hard to present themselves in a way that appears strong and confident to others. Recognizing that you are not alone in this- that, in fact, it's a fairly universal condition- can provide some relief.

In the course of you improving your situation, you've probably already realized this. And along with this realization comes one where you can stop feeling excluded from the golden happy world that everyone else seems to be inhabiting. Suddenly the incredible, infinite world of opportunity opens up.

And yeah, Jackson has a point- the goal isn't to make ourselves so overconfident that we lose our connection with the world. Like in the Shambhala quote, true confidence should arise from a deep understanding that we are centered within our lives, surrounded by just the right tasks and challenges, and that for a naturally confident person, this is understood at a visceral level. There is nothing to worry about because you are perfectly matched with the life you are experiencing.

Now, the flipside: Arrogance. Of course we find arrogant people irritating, but the way our brains are wired, we also tend to envy them, to fall for their charade. It's important to remember that an arrogant person is in fact deeply insecure, and employing an effective mechanism to camoflauge that fact. Realizing this truth makes you more immune to falling for their illusion, and possibly more in tune with your own sense of empowerment.

I hope your path continues on its beautiful upward direction!