something is wrong with me

[Rideronthewheel]

I also want to say that in my DMT breakthrough, I found myself before a 'council' of tall shadowy beings. I broke down, whether from being 'questioned' by them in that non-verbal way or not, and cried, "I'm trying, I'm trying, but it's hard..." This prompted them to help me see things in a new way. What I take from this is that your journey and mine are those a single consciousness merely in different bodies. My spirit is what said it was struggling in physical existence, not me, the one writing. Though the duality of our nature is not so black and white. What's important to understand though is that our bodies are just vessels. We each have a certain genetic individuality, all grow up differently in different places and times, and have our own experiences. What I'm trying to say is it's imperative we realize this so we can rise above the negative things in life. When you look at yourself and see shortcomings, failure, hopelessness, it's merely a reflection of how difficult or easy your journey has been in this life. You're spiritual essence is not what is good or bad or a success or failure. We're all the same and perfect on that level. Those spirits that are dealt good hands tend to get lost in the game of physical existence. Good looks, good fortune, good grades, lots of pleasure - powerful ego. Don't lose yourself in that game. It is not what life is about unless you make it what yours is about. When you keep in mind that life is just and experiential ride, the stakes you've made so high for attaining what you've been conditioned to call happiness and all the things that once concerned, upset or angered you dissolve into inconsequentiality. It's not nihilism, it's the perspective that everything is okay. It will cause the shackles of one's unpleasant life to wear away.

 

[Rideronthewheel]

And maybe try drawing what to you is a perfect, happy life or what will make you a perfect person (by the way, your drawings are very good). Then once you've brought those things out of that library labeled 'Idealism' in your brain, you can analyze them and either use it as motivation or as way to move on from it. I've had feelings for a girl for over a year now that aren't and won't be reciprocated. I wrote a guitar instrumental about my feelings and it has helped me move on. It expressed the range of my emotions in sound, and for the most part, that is now where they reside. Maybe drawing can help in a similar way for you. Sometimes we hold on to conceptions we ought not to.

 

[phyllode]

I've had feelings for a girl for over a year now that aren't and won't be reciprocated. I wrote a guitar instrumental abut my feelings and it has helped me move on. It expressed the range of my emotions in sound, and for the most part, that is now where they reside. Maybe drawing can help in a similar way for you.

I'm really moved by this comment. Thank you for this. Great advice Rideronthewheel!

 

[korbbit]

rideronthewheel, I sympathise with your problem with this girl. I know the feeling. The value im taking from your post is expresing my 'ideals' some how, identifying what i would consider to be 'perfect' so i have something to aim for. good brain food

 

[Rideronthewheel]

Glad to share my thoughts and help! I want to add that since I've dealt with and moved on from loving this girl, I can now talk to her in an entirely different way. Of course my affection for her remains as well as my desire for her well-being, but I can now be simply be her friend! I can now enjoy knowing her instead of obsessing about how I'll never be able to enjoy knowing her! What I'm saying and how it relates to you, Korbbit, is that the same effect can happen with anything. Once you move on from clinging to something you hold dear but cannot seem to attain, such as a conception of what would make you happy, or make you a better person and so on, you can finally start enjoying the life you're living. It's a subtle change, but it's powerful.

 

[korbbit]

Glad to share my thoughts and help! I want to add that since I've dealt with and moved on from loving this girl, I can now talk to her in an entirely different way. Of course my affection for her remains as well as my desire for her well-being, but I can now be simply be her friend! I can now enjoy knowing her instead of obsessing about how I'll never be able to enjoy knowing her! What I'm saying and how it relates to you, Korbbit, is that the same effect can happen with anything. Once you move on from clinging to something you hold dear but cannot seem to attain, such as a conception of what would make you happy, or make you a better person and so on, you can finally start enjoying the life you're living. It's a subtle change, but it's powerful.

yes, i need to let go of this idea i have of happiness. I havent been able to enjoy anyones company lately, i have an idea of perfection that things wont always or may never meet. Im still confused but i know whats really the right direction in the end.

i drank my ayahuasca over half n hour ago, nothing yet. i fuckd up while making it and lost alot but theres was alot. also i did some pure dmt too just before, havent in a while. it was intense and familiar but still shocking, and ultimately unpleasant and left me longing for something so bad, which happened the last few times iv done it, since a point in my relationship where i knew i couldnt maintain my selfesteem much longer and watched it slowly fall apart.

 

[korbbit]

but I know its pretty much giving me the answer right there, STOP LONGING and ENJOY WHATS INFRONT OF YOU!

 

[Rideronthewheel]

I hope your Ayahuasca trip goes well. Sometimes you can enter these worlds seeking answers, sometimes not. If you are looking for effortless transformation in there though, you aren't going to find it. As far as I know, it only allows you see the path and the truth for yourself. It's not teaching you, it's not indoctrinating you, and it's not curing you. It's giving you the opportunity to do those things for yourself through direct experience. I hope you understand this and don't lose your way tonight if you're doing this alone. Just remember anything you feel is temporary. If you're struggling or having bad thoughts, don't act on them. Instead, lie down and focus on your breathing. Just be still. Do not worry or let your mind race. Breath and calm yourself. All will pass!

 

[korbbit]

nothing happened. I only simmered it for 3 hours though..
anyways im just gunna try and relax and feel okay for a while. Everything i try to do pisses me off. i cant watch shows or movies or read, i cant create. I always just want to get up and get some direct stimulation. tea, cigarettes, food, showers.. all i can do is allow time to pass

 

[visage]

I know that this may be difficult but try real hard to catch yourself when you notice that you just want some stimulation, instead of going for it automatically, stop for a moment and watch yourself and how you react, your thoughts etc, you might find that after doing this for some time, your control of the situation increases and you may realize the reason why you cannot find peace within the moment and yourself.

Every moment is blissful if we can just stop projecting our wants and aversions into it, we skip the present moment for that future sensation of drinking hot coffee or the smoking of the cigarette, actually the truth is that even when we are doing those things we don't even enjoy them because we are always chasing something else. We always crave something outside of the present moment, and that is one of the reasons why we don't find any sort of peace. It's all in the mind-body.

I think that when we feed the senses with the same thing often and routinely, the senses get used to it and start to depend on that stimulation, then when the time comes your body lets you know that the time has come to stimulate it in that way again. The only example that comes to mind right now is when your body gets used to waking up for work, if you had a good nights sleep it can even wake up a few minutes before the alarm clock..

 

[nen888]

..when i've felt like the OP, eventually after all the caffine and nicotine, i go for a long long walk..out of frrustration..i start to feel a little better..i even feel like running..and then i feel like less nicotine..
..have you tried 'sweating it out'?..best wishes to you korbbit..

 

[Botanical Bliss]

And sometimes theres just not much opportunity to improve yourself via real world efforts. It seems as if society wants insecure/depressed people to be hermits, It seems to be geared to make the confident and satisfyed even more confident and satisfyed, while neglecting those who lack these things..
Everyone already knows that though, but its somewhat tabooed to talk about. guys do not talk about confidence issues(except on the internet!). Its kinda just accepted that some of us have it, and the rest are lonely and unsatisfyed. that feeling of confidence and entitlement is such a neccessary requirement to live a satifying life, but society puts almost no priority on making sure people develop it. but i guess we're talking about the same world that lets a billion people starve while a handfull live in mansions with private jets..

anyways, no more bitching about the world from me, theres people in far worse situations

This seems similar to something I would've said several months ago. I was ALWAYs pissed at society and how ignorant and destructive many of it's ways are, and you know what? I wasn't getting anywhere, I was stuck in that mode of thinking. You know why? Because I failed to realize that I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE. Why sit lazily on your ass and blame society for your depression, when ultimately, it's YOU who decides. Sure, society can be depressing and sad sometimes, but focusing on that stuff only makes it worse. There are plenty of opportunities in life to improve yourself. It's all WITHIN YOU. Seriously, listen to what the smart people here are saying. Eat healthy, exercise, meditate, practice compassion and open your heart, think positive. Don't knock 'em till ya try them, regularly. You WILL notice a difference. Perspective is everything. Make it postive, and you'll be positive. Keep dwelling on how negative things are and well, you know how that goes... Learn to love yourself. If you don't love yourself, why not? Become the self that you love. :thumb_up:

 

[korbbit]

OK guys, Its gotten alot worse.
My thoughts are over run by regret. I cant believe this is actually happening to me. Let me give you all a little run down of what happened:
so i did several amazing dmt trips in may 2012 that helped change my perspective and drastically improved my social life. allowed me to love everyone, and be a person people really want to be around. this led quickly to getting a girlfriend at the start of june. she is beautiful and a great match for me, but i was obsessed with progress and finding perfection, and right from the start i decided i didnt want it to last because i wanted more. We shared the most amazing love i cant even explain it. So after a few months I started saying how i wanted to breakup soon so i could eventually see other girls (she was my first girlfriend). she was devestated in the beginning, and after breaking up she gave me several chances to get her back. Even though i felt myself drifting into depression i thought it would just lift and i would return to my socially outgoing personality that emerged in may as a result of dmt experiences mixed with adjusting to a healthy lifestyle. I turned her down in relentless persuit of ego satisfaction. she eventually gave up and started to develop sour feelings towards me, understandibly. now im lost. I cant forgive myself, my self talk revolves around "im an idiot, why did i do that? Ive ruined my only chance, because now ive reverted back to this terrible mode of thought" and DMT DOES NOT WORK anymore! ive tried it a few times and it is very painful and i feel like im searching for myself in it and it is rejecting me. and now theres no bark around to extract from anyway so that option is gone.
Ive been maintaining my healthy lifestyle and trying to socialise but have very very little interest in talking about anything other than what Im going through. ive been seeing a counsellor which helps very temporarily. My ex is in a new relationship so theres no hope of going back. shes happy and she made the right decision by moving on to someone who actually appreciates her. I feel like a monster and now im paying for my lack of compassion.

I want to know what you guys think, especially about DMT's role in all of this..

Im also living on welfare, 2 years into uni and I lost interest in my study(IT) somepoint last year. In my mind there is really no options left for finding peace..
I went to a mediatation class last night. I can find temporary peace in it, and some other things, but the anticipation of my dreary life returning afterwards usually brings me out of the state of peace and into anxiety. Ive been in this state for months now and am very scared for my health and sanity.

 

[nwosidsalp]

What did you want that she wasn't giving you?

Solve your internal conflict and DMT will work again

 

[Whatisreal]

Hey man, I hope you find the support or direction you're looking for.

Maybe start writing down goals, ambitions for near future and for long term. I'm sure if you are living a healthy lifestyle and have been getting support like you mentioned, things will brighten up.

Wish you well Brother. I know life's lessons can be TOUGH. Sometimes it helps me to understand that these rough times, challenges in life, etc. are set up by my own higher self to teach me and become better for it.

 

[korbbit]

What did you want that she wasn't giving you?

Solve your internal conflict and DMT will work again

My character couldnt really grow any further after a certain point with her. I felt the desire to become a better and better person and I felt as if maybe being "her boyfriend" prevented me from doing that somehow. But in reality I could have continued to grow in what ever direction I wanted and just let the relationship unfold accordingly, if we grew apart we grew apart. I instead tried to maintain the character that I knew worked with her, i was scared to grow, because that involves risk and vulnerability, and I wanted to always appear as if i was solid and knew my shit.

that was a great reply, thankyou.

I guess my conflict was that she represented something to lose, an additional risk i had to take while trying to grow. maybe. i dont know. all i know is that the whole time i was certain i didnt want it to last, even though i loved it. It has been the most confusing thing ive ever gone through by far.

i will be giving more thought to this

 

[nen888]

DMT DOES NOT WORK anymore! ive tried it a few times and it is very painful and i feel like im searching for myself in it and it is rejecting me.

..perhaps try (just an idea, and you may well have) completely surrendering to it (DMT) ..surrender what you're holding on to of you, surrender even your gender (knowing you will safely return)
..often the most painful or 'not-working' entheogenic experiences can be due to resistance..
like, i 'die' every second month, if that makes sense..just give up everything i held on to..for 15 minutes..
women come and go..as do moods..YOU don't..

 

[nwosidsalp]

What did you want that she wasn't giving you?

Solve your internal conflict and DMT will work again

My character couldnt really grow any further after a certain point with her. I felt the desire to become a better and better person and I felt as if maybe being "her boyfriend" prevented me from doing that somehow. But in reality I could have continued to grow in what ever direction I wanted and just let the relationship unfold accordingly, if we grew apart we grew apart. I instead tried to maintain the character that I knew worked with her, i was scared to grow, because that involves risk and vulnerability, and I wanted to always appear as if i was solid and knew my shit.

that was a great reply, thankyou.

I guess my conflict was that she represented something to lose, an additional risk i had to take while trying to grow. maybe. i dont know. all i know is that the whole time i was certain i didnt want it to last, even though i loved it. It has been the most confusing thing ive ever gone through by far.

i will be giving more thought to this

Throw yourself at everything you do man. Take the risks, and learn well from the consequences if they do suck, that part's rewarding too. We can be anyone we want and we are 100% responsible for who we are

 

[Metanoia]

You're caught in a cycle of regret and depression. I've been there. What worked for me may not work for you. You just have to learn to change your thought processes, which can be a daunting task.

I would suggest taking a break from any psychoactive substances for a while and trying to connect with yourself without the aid of any psychedelic. Meditation, seeing a counselor, those are good things.

Depression can really take control of your life and convince you that there's no hope. There's always hope. You'll get through this and be stronger for it.

Best of luck to you. Much love.

 

[korbbit]

Since I was very young ive always fantasised about running away temporarily, into nature. setting myself up and just living purely for the sake of living/surviving. Last night, I had the idea of just driving out to a fresh water river, taking all the things i need (tent, food, tarp, rope etc.) to set myself up. I also want to take my painting stuff and my guitar. For two weeks I'll just live in the moment, with no pressure to be constantly trying to "make it" in this world. Nothing telling me to get a job, get a girlfriend, make money and be cool. Just before turning 21 in may last year, when i did the DMT trips that helped me find peace, socialise better and get a girlfriend, I was very confused and lost, and was planning to run away into the wild like this. Its time to actually do it. I have been flirting too closely with suicide lately, and feel i have nothing to lose. I even think I may have been leading myself into a life situation like this because I crave this solitary experience deep down.
I had a wave of peace and optimism wash over me when i had this idea last night.

I cant wait. who says fulfillment in life is always something you have to work towards, sweat and strive for? maybe I'm already satisfied in my heart, but am distracted by the endless confusing pressures of this system. I just want to be at peace in my self, everything beyond that is dispensable.

I'm gunna spend the next week or so preparing, then its time. I have never been alone for more than a day or 2 in my life i think! I have to admit I have an annoying voice that pops up and says "you'l get out there and realise how stupid the idea was, its not getting you anywhere". I dont doubt I will feel like that initially, but I believe I can overcome that through actually setting myself up there, by creating an environment for my self.