korbbit said:
A whole summer alone in nature!?
If you can describe this situation a little more I would really love to hear it!
eg. How did you find yourself in that situation? how did you feel initially when you found youself in it?
The situation came about from my selfish behavior, essentially. I was a drug addict and I screwed over all my friends, stole, lied, robbed, anything I could do to continue using. My parents had kicked me out at eighteen and I lived with friends for years, working temp jobs or stealing and pawning things to get cash. I did all this because I thought the only way to not experience the depression that had been plaguing me from an early age (pre-pubescent, actually) was to continue to use addictive drugs. They helped me escape and ignore severe problems that I refused to deal with at the time. I wanted to quit doing drugs, but didn't know how. I had to hit bottom first.
So it all came to a head in the late spring and I found myself with no friends, no job, my parents wouldn't accept me at home (they had called the police the last time I tried to speak with them) and my only possessions were my beloved tin whistle, some camping gear, a hunting knife, a swiss army knife given me by my grandfather, a pot and a pan, hack saw, fishing pole and tackle box, basic survival stuff. A box of instant noodles, bag of rice, pasta, couple cans of fruit and veg, no drugs except a small bag of mushrooms. I had been taught some survival skills by my grandfather when I was young. How to build a fire, some hunting and fishing, that sort of thing.
I went completely cold turkey from everything, and it was very painful. I was of the opinion that I would make it on my own, I didn't need anyone else, and nature would provide for me what I needed. I was so terribly misguided and arrogant. I stayed out there, deep in the woods by myself, for a week and a half before I realized I needed to go back to town to get some protein. I hadn't eaten any meat since the day before I hiked in and I was feeling weak. I went to a local soup kitchen to get a free meal and ended up in a physical fight with one of the people there. They kicked me out and told me not to come back. Again, I said the hell with all of you people, and decided I would move my camp and try to find a river or creek I could fish at.
So I did that. I moved farther into the woods and found a nice clean stream that I fished. I built a small shelter to keep my gear in, and slept in the tent at night. After about a month I started to begin to really think about things. I guess when I managed to settle in enough that the life had become easier, my mind became freer. I wasn't worried about surviving, because I had proven to myself that I could do it.
That's when the revelations started to come. I ate the mushrooms I had stowed away one night and the change in perception really made me see my life for what it was. Previously I had only eaten them with friends or at a party, usually while already intoxicated. I had never gone out in the woods and done them alone, or sat in a dark room while tripping. So it was very surprising when I started to think about things in a new way. Started to challenge my beliefs. The change wasn't instantaneous. The morning after my trip I said to myself, "That was all just crazy shit because of the mushrooms, didn't mean anything."
But slowly, I began to think of things differently. Sitting there fishing most of the day, or whittling a stick, or playing my tin whistle. I realized there was no way I could stay out here forever. I live in Canada, pretty far to the south, but it still gets extremely cold here in the winter months. I figured I would have to get a job somehow, find a place to live, all those worries started to creep up on me after about three months of being out there. I thought, maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe I came out here for the wrong reason, to escape, but instead I found myself. I found what I needed to find.
It wasn't all smooth sailing after that, that's for certain. I got a job, but almost got fired for showing up in dirty clothes and smelling like crap. One of the guys I worked with offered to let me stay at his place and after about six months we got a bigger apartment and I became his roommate. He was a somewhat decent guy, but was a borderline alcoholic. That said, I didn't drink alcohol, and still don't. Both of my parents were alcoholics, so you can imagine what kind of test of character that was to live with him for about a year.
Ended up getting my own place after he came home drunk with his girlfriend one night and punched me in the face. I learned some life lessons that summer, and in the year or so proceeding that. I thought I would be able to help him if I lived there, and I felt obligated to help him because without his offer of friendship and hospitality, I would have lost my job and had to start all over again, with winter quickly approaching. So I thought helping others was a better path than being so selfish and stupid. And it is.
About a year after moving into my own place I revisited that soup kitchen and started to volunteer there on weekends and after work. I tried to help as many people as I could, because that was one thing the mushrooms always conveyed to me, the purpose of my existence, was to help others in need. To share what I could and be caring and loving to those who needed it, and especially those who seemed like they were unworthy of it.
Well...this story turned out to be longer than I anticipated
I haven't told it many times, but it's an experience that I will never forget, that summer. It was exactly what I needed at that time in my life, and I'm a much better person for it.
You have to find your own path. It could be a more social one, most likely will be, because most people are social creatures. I've always been a solitary wanderer, a lonely soul, an immensely private person. Stories like these I rarely tell, and I find an environment such as this, relatively anonymous I mean, is probably one of the only really comfortable places I could divulge such personal information.
But as I said, especially after being asked
I thought it may help in some way. And that is a noble pursuit. Help as many as you can. And you will find all the love you ever wished for.
Hopefully those three days helped you see things in a different light. A whole summer may not be necessary for most people, unless you're as stubborn as I was
Best of luck to you on whatever path you choose. Find solace in the happiness and gratitude of others, and always acknowledge and remain conscious of your darkness. Use it to your advantage, rather than allowing it to conquer you.
