the path towards kindness to oneself, and self acceptance.

[Flufferus]

I have struggled since a young lad with treating myself kindly. if another person talked to me the way i honestly talked and believed about myself, that person would have quickly became my mortal enemy, an evil villain in my life. i did not bully myself, i was very abusive to myself. luckily never physically, only through mostly accidental poisonings with substances. It took years to even realize i was talking to myself like this. It was warping my entire view of reality, making it incredibly negative while i had an evil narrator following my every action and movement, belittling me, convincing me to not even bother to try with things i would have enjoyed thoroughly. I treated myself like a prisoner of war who had set a baby bunny orphanage on fire would be treated by his captors. I treated myself like S H I T

It has been a long journey to get to the point where i am simply civil with myself, i wish it was even better than this. I still struggle heavily, and get in "debates" with myself over my self worth. I can still be pretty mean if i dont bother to stick up for myself at all. When your alone alot, its a good idea to make sure your ego is friendly, as that is now your only company while alone.
It was very hard to share space with myself. that sounds so ridiculis, but its true. I would constantly hear the most terrible, and hurtful words i will ever hear from anyone, from myself. becuase i knew how to really hurt myself emotionally. I really dont undrstand why i had to be so un-empathetic towards myself, but i had to endure that a long time, and it did lead me to many attempts on my life.

Eventually i got exhausted of it, and seeked out cbt therapy, as i heard it could be a powerful tool. It has helped me tremendously, but i do find it abit comical now, i get in sometimes heated debates with myself over the merits of my consciousnesses negative comments towards itself. a way to use cbt is you challenge the negative thoughts, with counterpoints and facts, to dispel and disprove them. I really hope my overall opinion of myself improves, and i can really become good friends with myself. theres good days and bad days, good hours and bad half hours. Its a rollercoaster ride, but atleast im able to be here for it. thank you for reading, much love

 

[northape]

That hits very close to home. Depression with self-abuse hit me hard around the late years of high school. I was too green to know what was going on and somehow managed it. My move abroad was somewhat fueled by an intuition that my life would end badly if I stayed. Around 2010, I got quite suicidal and started to hit myself (literally on the head) for every little mistake. Basically, my system was totally fried. I desperately needed connection and a place in the world, but the country I moved to would never give it. Then medicine came into my life, and that is what saved me. I've purged demons for years in my ceremonies, and slowly my situation improved. Looking back, lots of my troubles came from a messed-up upbringing and a bad living environment caused by my extended family. I was not welcomed into the world from the beginning by the family my mom married into. Most likely, it created a subconscious habit of feeling like I should not be alive, or something

Anyway, I made peace with it all. I'm slowly moving towards being my own best friend. Yeah, very dark moods still come up, and my OCD flares up some days, but it's nothing compared to before. That's why I'm so obsessed with Light, because I lived in darkness for so many years (literally and figuratively). I would add that no one should hide away from their shadow. You clear it by facing everything head-on and loving it. That is the way.

Much Love

Spoiler: Dark Thoughts

When you witness a dark thought
A dark thought that isn’t going to get you anywhere
You witness it
And love it

You love your dark thoughts

Remember the witness is part of the soul
And the soul loves everything

Every thing
Not every being but every thing

Loves the clouds and the trees and the fish and the animals
And that love coalesces the universe

The oneness of the universe is love

 

[SkunK]

I have struggled since a young lad with treating myself kindly. if another person talked to me the way i honestly talked and believed about myself, that person would have quickly became my mortal enemy, an evil villain in my life. i did not bully myself, i was very abusive to myself. luckily never physically, only through mostly accidental poisonings with substances. It took years to even realize i was talking to myself like this. It was warping my entire view of reality, making it incredibly negative while i had an evil narrator following my every action and movement, belittling me, convincing me to not even bother to try with things i would have enjoyed thoroughly. I treated myself like a prisoner of war who had set a baby bunny orphanage on fire would be treated by his captors. I treated myself like S H I T

It has been a long journey to get to the point where i am simply civil with myself, i wish it was even better than this. I still struggle heavily, and get in "debates" with myself over my self worth. I can still be pretty mean if i dont bother to stick up for myself at all. When your alone alot, its a good idea to make sure your ego is friendly, as that is now your only company while alone.
It was very hard to share space with myself. that sounds so ridiculis, but its true. I would constantly hear the most terrible, and hurtful words i will ever hear from anyone, from myself. becuase i knew how to really hurt myself emotionally. I really dont undrstand why i had to be so un-empathetic towards myself, but i had to endure that a long time, and it did lead me to many attempts on my life.

Eventually i got exhausted of it, and seeked out cbt therapy, as i heard it could be a powerful tool. It has helped me tremendously, but i do find it abit comical now, i get in sometimes heated debates with myself over the merits of my consciousnesses negative comments towards itself. a way to use cbt is you challenge the negative thoughts, with counterpoints and facts, to dispel and disprove them. I really hope my overall opinion of myself improves, and i can really become good friends with myself. theres good days and bad days, good hours and bad half hours. Its a rollercoaster ride, but atleast im able to be here for it. thank you for reading, much love

This hits hard for me as well! While it wasn't my whole life, but in my older years saver depression has been my heaven; but I'd rather go through hell! I still suffer to this day and will for the rest of my life after I lost everything in my life. I poisoned myself for years, found the bottom of a bottle on a daily basis and stuff more blow up my nose than any man should! Countless nights I sat on the couch with a loaded pew in my right hand and a bottle in my left! Some days I came very close to ending it all, luckily I had some beautiful 4 legged souls that helped me through those dark places

I couldn't do psychedlics for years because they showed me all these dark things that haunt my dreams nightly. It took me finding sobriety to begin my journey to finding that someday i could hold my head up high again, it comes one day at a time! I never thought someday i would come to my senses, and stop sitting on fences in fear, I now realize that someday was always right here, I just couldn't see it due to my self abuse!

I've only recently started dipping my toes back into psychedelics, to start exploring my self and dive deep into my mind, body and soul. My doctor had given me requisitions to see a therapist, but I'm not comfortable exploring my dark negative problems, I'm kind of shut down person when it comes to opening up, and fear I would lose so much more if I opened up honesty with someone.

Microdosing P.Cubensis has seemed to help me greatly, and opening up and talking to my 4 legged crew who are always willing to let me bounce my problems and thought off them, and they keep my deepest darkest thoughts secret. If people only knew the daemons I face daily I would be locked up somewhere.

Over the last year I have been working hard to live in the moment; not dwell in the past, working hard find myself and accept myself at this point in life. I completely relate To good day, bad days, good hours and bad..... It can be one hell of a rollercoaster ride that we call love!

You are not alone, while I only know you through this wonderful place called the Nexus, alot of us suffer some of the same trama & pain! If you ever need anyone to talk to or get some positive light reflected back drop a thread, dm or private chat!

Much love Flufferus, Chat wouldn't be the same with out you! Sorry for the ramble, these topics hit hard for me, making it hard to compose my thoughts.

 

[northape]

I love you both. People who went through hell and are still here are special. Nothing matures a soul so much as suffering.
Opening up should come naturally and not be forced, ime. You take small steps when you can and let life fix the rest.
Be kind to yourself

 

[SkunK]

I love you both. People who went through hell and are still here are special. Nothing matures a soul so much as suffering.
Opening up should come naturally and not be forced, ime. You take small steps when you can and let life fix the rest.
Be kind to yourself

Everyone Loves you @northape your posts are always very Positive, well grounded. I enjoy reading them, and I'm glad your back here at the Nexus!

You are so on point with Maturing from suffering, I'm so grateful I have been able to see and follow the light to a better place of self love, self care and more importantly self improvement!

I unfortunately don't have people in my life for that, I have cut off , lost, everyone in my life. Some of those loss came from years of substance abuse and from leaving those negative substances behind and the people associated with them.

I find it impossible to open up my deepest issues with anyone IRL, I have tried. It does feel good to bounce those negative thought openly though and for better or worse I feel safe and most comfortable voicing those to my dogs and cats. While they may not know what I'm saying they sure pick up on my negative energy and help emencly to dispel that energy! Its also nice to feel at ease opening up here with the community ...

It is comforting to know I am not alone, and that we all have things in life that drag us down, and knowing that at least here at the Nexus there is a safe, warm welcoming place to confront and voice these problems with out fear of judgment knowing we are not alone with these battles!