the path towards kindness to oneself, and self acceptance.

[Flufferus]

I have struggled since a young lad with treating myself kindly. if another person talked to me the way i honestly talked and believed about myself, that person would have quickly became my mortal enemy, an evil villain in my life. i did not bully myself, i was very abusive to myself. luckily never physically, only through mostly accidental poisonings with substances. It took years to even realize i was talking to myself like this. It was warping my entire view of reality, making it incredibly negative while i had an evil narrator following my every action and movement, belittling me, convincing me to not even bother to try with things i would have enjoyed thoroughly. I treated myself like a prisoner of war who had set a baby bunny orphanage on fire would be treated by his captors. I treated myself like S H I T

It has been a long journey to get to the point where i am simply civil with myself, i wish it was even better than this. I still struggle heavily, and get in "debates" with myself over my self worth. I can still be pretty mean if i dont bother to stick up for myself at all. When your alone alot, its a good idea to make sure your ego is friendly, as that is now your only company while alone.
It was very hard to share space with myself. that sounds so ridiculis, but its true. I would constantly hear the most terrible, and hurtful words i will ever hear from anyone, from myself. becuase i knew how to really hurt myself emotionally. I really dont undrstand why i had to be so un-empathetic towards myself, but i had to endure that a long time, and it did lead me to many attempts on my life.

Eventually i got exhausted of it, and seeked out cbt therapy, as i heard it could be a powerful tool. It has helped me tremendously, but i do find it abit comical now, i get in sometimes heated debates with myself over the merits of my consciousnesses negative comments towards itself. a way to use cbt is you challenge the negative thoughts, with counterpoints and facts, to dispel and disprove them. I really hope my overall opinion of myself improves, and i can really become good friends with myself. theres good days and bad days, good hours and bad half hours. Its a rollercoaster ride, but atleast im able to be here for it. thank you for reading, much love

 

[northape]

That hits very close to home. Depression with self-abuse hit me hard around the late years of high school. I was too green to know what was going on and somehow managed it. My move abroad was somewhat fueled by an intuition that my life would end badly if I stayed. Around 2010, I got quite suicidal and started to hit myself (literally on the head) for every little mistake. Basically, my system was totally fried. I desperately needed connection and a place in the world, but the country I moved to would never give it. Then medicine came into my life, and that is what saved me. I've purged demons for years in my ceremonies, and slowly my situation improved. Looking back, lots of my troubles came from a messed-up upbringing and a bad living environment caused by my extended family. I was not welcomed into the world from the beginning by the family my mom married into. Most likely, it created a subconscious habit of feeling like I should not be alive, or something

Anyway, I made peace with it all. I'm slowly moving towards being my own best friend. Yeah, very dark moods still come up, and my OCD flares up some days, but it's nothing compared to before. That's why I'm so obsessed with Light, because I lived in darkness for so many years (literally and figuratively). I would add that no one should hide away from their shadow. You clear it by facing everything head-on and loving it. That is the way.

Much Love

Spoiler: Dark Thoughts

When you witness a dark thought
A dark thought that isn’t going to get you anywhere
You witness it
And love it

You love your dark thoughts

Remember the witness is part of the soul
And the soul loves everything

Every thing
Not every being but every thing

Loves the clouds and the trees and the fish and the animals
And that love coalesces the universe

The oneness of the universe is love