• Members of the previous forum can retrieve their temporary password here, (login and check your PM).

Void's Journey Into Silence

Voidmatrix said:
It's interesting... I was raised by a narcissist, only to have my longest relationship also be with a narcissist... not blaming myself for it though. I fell into what I was used to and I am a heartfelt person.

Another habit to break.

One love
Click to expand...
It is all fuel for the fire where our karma burns...
Ram Ram 🙏
forest fire GIF
 
Pretty thankful for @The Traveler who suggested "distraction." In my hard-ass ways, I was going to try to weather a lot of this in silence, which I had the first day and a half or so, which is a bit torturous, and I forget I am a bit of a masochist. I tend to think of distracting myself as avoidance, which then leaves me reeling for long periods, and it is very unhealthy in retrospect, despite being a valiant effort. I've been watching TV and allowing myself as much distraction as I want.

One such distraction is this beautiful lil lady that is a new addition to my life.
20251128_153007.jpg

Her name is Aubrey, a stray 10-month-old German Shephard that I adopted yesterday. It's evident that she's been through it, and when I was looking at the available pups online, I drove into the city to go meet her, really hoping I'd get the opportunity and someone wouldn't beat me to it.

Fortune was on my side, because I actually had the unpleasant experience of seeing the look of disappointment on another woman's face that was also interested in her, as she peered and frowned through the glass while talking to the staff.

They were concerned about her fearfulness, but today is day two, and she seems to be adjusting really well. They said she has issues with stairs, and I witnessed this initially when I brought her home, but as of now, she's managing them on her own, even if she needs a little coaxing. Granted, the staff did she say she responded to me differently than any other person, so that may lend itself to her current progress.

I am completely smitten. And whenever I am around her I feel so much better, even if feeling and thinking about the current difficulty. I got to feel this when driving back from the pet store when I decided to engage in silence. It was a brief, healthy, but tough spurt of feeling what needs to be felt in this situation (especially today, because in my anger yesterday morning, I actually mailed back not only her belongings, but also some of the gifts she gave me).

The thoughts, and memories, amalgamating into a mixed homogenized liquid density that is difficult to decouple and parse, and discern.

I'm certainly moving through all of the stages of grief in whatever order they choose to crop up, allowing and trusting this process for myself.

Aubrey and I are going to go on a long walk.

One love
 
On the topic of burnout and overtraining, I really enjoyed the most recent episode of The Psychedelic Integration Podcast, entitled, Stop Overriding Your Body. Even if you don’t fully agree with every detail of what she says (I’m not sure if I do), I think the overall message is solid…

 
Last edited:
blig-blug said:
Taking care of an animal that's been through a lot and seeing her regain confidence and happiness will help you do the same, I'm sure. Dogs are a very honest and noble creature, I think it will be like a balm to you. And you to her :)
Click to expand...
I'd call two days a rapid start to the process. I am surprised how much I am smiling and finding peace amidst what I find to be my hardest breakup. It's the hardest but I feel I am handling it the best I ever have and am equipped to stay consistent (not engaging primarily). This little one and all of her cuteness is certainly a balm in this moment

I have to give props to my best friend as well who has already spoken to me for hours about this unfortunate, but likely necessary event. He's very wise and often says the right things at the right times, having w brilliant blend of wit, intellect, and intuition, all of which he directs from and through the heart.

Breathing breathing breathing. One current goal is to focus on feeling good in the body, which was one reason to go on the long walk with Aubrey. The other reason being to see how she'd do leaving the area we've been around already. She did great on a chilly 30 minute walk and I think we both felt pretty good once we got home.

Many of these "traumatic" or damaging events have been happening in a different overall environment and so is impacting me differently, and rather than just falling apart I am also gravitating deeper into self.

That's a reason the relationship had to end. Not to sound cliche, but I came across a quote that said, "people can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves."

ommani said:
On the topic of burnout and overtraining, I really enjoyed the most recent episode of The Psychedelic Integration Podcast, entitled, Stop Overriding Your Body. Even if you don’t fully agree with every detail of what she says (I’m not sure if I do), I think the overall message is solid…

Click to expand...
Kind of sounds like a must listen, and intend on trying to check it out, probably first thing in the morning, to distract my mind. This morning was rough. I am really trying to slow down and again feel good in the body. Sitting here now with Aubrey, smoking a bowl and watching Predator 2, the only thing in this moment my body needs is some water and a flow.

One love
 
I'm not saying the following emotionally, trying to add on and sully anyone by any greater degree to assuage my emotions. I say this rationally and in an effort to heal through understanding. Aids in the acceptance process and helps burn off the bargaining experienced in the grieving process.

I also am not a psychiatrist and I am aware I can be in error.

However, and I thought this for a long time, not only did I date a patent narcissist, but I am confident of there being some BPD involved. It explains much more of what I felt and feel were and are vicious manipulations on her part and the manner of thinking that I had to navigate with her.

I feel for her through these understandings, I realize I am not to be blamed, but instead to be praised for my true heartfelt efforts, and it's okay for me to be as viciously angry with her as I am.

One love
 
I keep having an idea. It's something that reoccurs. It's inspired in a dark way.

I really really don't like it when someone flexes their altruism, such as making sure others know that they gave a homeless person money, or helped someone across the street... it's puts people in those positions in a marginalized position where people effectively only value them to the extent that others will appreciate what they did for them.

It's inauthentic. It tells me that if people likely didn't have anyone to share it with then they may not do it. Just like how less people would donate if they didn't get a tax write-off...

And I am not saying that people shouldn't share these things at all, but how it's shared is important, such as if it's unsolicited or not.

So my idea then is to encourage people to help because everyone, including anyone whose attention i grab, has needed help and continues to from time to time.

So if I just walk around with a body cam on, never showing who I am, because it's not about me, and post to say YouTube, with some other story time or perspective challenging thoughts, and share what it's like to authentically help people and the beauty in doing so, maybe it can become a trend in small ways.

Idk, I'm sure I'm not the only who has thought of such a thing. Not like it's a hard idea, but that's not the point. The point is the point I want to make and the effect I want the point to have.

One love
 
Last edited:
Voidmatrix said:
I keep having an idea. It's something that reoccurs. It's inspired in a dark way.

I really really don't like it when someone flexes their altruism, such as making sure others know that they gave a homeless person money, or helped someone across the street... it's puts people in those positions in a marginalized position where people effectively only value them to the extent that others will appreciate what they did for them.

It's inauthentic. It tells me that if people likely didn't have anyone to share it with then they may not do it. Just like how less people would donate if they didn't get a tax write-off...

And I am not saying that people shouldn't share these things at all, but how it's shared is important, such as if it's unsolicited or not.

So my idea then is to encourage people to help because everyone, including anyone whose attention i grab, has needed help and continues to from time to time.

So if I just walk around with a body cam on, never showing who I am, because it's not about me, and post to say YouTube, with some other story time or perspective challenging thoughts, and share what it's like to authentically help people and the beauty in doing so, maybe it can become a trend in small ways.

Idk, I'm sure I'm the only who has thought of such a thing. Not like it's a hard idea, but that's not the point. The point is the point I want to make and the effect I want the point to have.

One love
Click to expand...
Intention is everything. Many people never look inside, so they adopt one of the coping mechanisms available on the market and run with it. True altruism is a rare thing, and in most cases, it is just disguised ego-driven behavior. We cannot really influence others' maturation processes, and who knows how biased our attempts would be. We are left with ourselves and our inner processes. No matter what happens externally, only our internal interpretation can be worked on and transformed. The core of our being is pure love, light, and space. However, to see it takes lifetimes, and who wants that anyway when we have a life to live? Express in any way you want, but never forget the unnamed truth at the heart. The whole human life is like a play that feels very serious and real.

The topic of this thread was Silence, and I see it as the Space of Being. It is that spaciousness we feel when there is a shift in focus to a higher perspective. Yes, we all live our karmic predicament, but it is not who we are. What makes it seem so real? What am I besides habitual responses? Given enough questioning, my head breaks, and I am left speechless. Only then does the notion of Silence start to feel tangible and alluring. Everything just falls off, and only I am left. Who am I then?

Feelings are there to be felt, no matter what our heads tell us. Life is there to be experienced, no matter what we think of it. Troubles are there to mature us, no matter how hard they seem. A tree grows strong in high winds, but its strength lies in flexibility. Were it rigid, it would have cracked a long time ago. You are a stream anyway, so flow like water, my friend.
 
Last edited:
northape said:
My previous message most likely does not suit the moment, but I consciously decided to share it anyway. Nothing lasts, and our time only ticks away. It is better to enjoy everything to the fullest and leave this place without any regrets. I send you a big, hearty hug.

🙏
Click to expand...
You're good brother. I am getting ready to leave so didn't have time to respond. I figured something about the message your quoted hit a nerve and you responded accordingly. I just need a little time to formulate my response and then we can dance.

One love
 
@northape Alright, I am at my friend's for role-playing and can respond now.

It seems like you have a criticism for my statement that you quoted and currently disapprove of the title and use of my thread.

Relative to influence, we influence each other all the time, that may be all that needs to be said.

Pertaining to my thread and it's content, not that I need to defend myself, is on topic as far as I am concerned seeing as much of what I share comes about from my time in silence, is about my relationship to it, and my thoughts on it.

The thought you quoted is something that I think about often in silence.

Secondarily, that idea was on my mind because I am reeling from a break up from a person who also bragged about their altruism.

One love
 
Voidmatrix said:
@northape Alright, I am at my friend's for role-playing and can respond now.

It seems like you have a criticism for my statement that you quoted and currently disapprove of the title and use of my thread.

Relative to influence, we influence each other all the time, that may be all that needs to be said.

Pertaining to my thread and it's content, not that I need to defend myself, is on topic as far as I am concerned seeing as much of what I share comes about from my time in silence, is about my relationship to it, and my thoughts on it.

The thought you quoted is something that I think about often in silence.

Secondarily, that idea was on my mind because I am reeling from a break up from a person who also bragged about their altruism.

One love
Click to expand...
I meant no criticism at all, or at least that was not my intent. I wanted to reply to your post, but I remembered your situation halfway through, so it all became a mismatch of ideas. Basically, my message lacked tact, and I realized it 2 seconds after posting, but decided to own it. Most likely, something in your message did bother me, but I cannot honestly say what. Perhaps it was related to authenticity, but then it was not aimed at you. I have had some quite manipulative people in my life who posed as altruists.

My original post in simple terms would be something like: Never lose heart! Rest your head in inner silence from time to time. Be flexible and let it all flow.

I will reply in simple terms next time. We can ponder what else I meant, but I think it is rather useless. I will end with what started it all: intention is everything.
I am just human and can easily mess up from time to time. Hope this was a good enough distraction (some dark humor at the end).

❤️ 🙏
 
northape said:
I meant no criticism at all, or at least that was not my intent. I wanted to reply to your post, but I remembered your situation halfway through, so it all became a mismatch of ideas. Basically, my message lacked tact, and I realized it 2 seconds after posting, but decided to own it. Most likely, something in your message did bother me, but I cannot honestly say what. Perhaps it was related to authenticity, but then it was not aimed at you. I have had some quite manipulative people in my life who posed as altruists.

My original post in simple terms would be something like: Never lose heart! Rest your head in inner silence from time to time. Be flexible and let it all flow.

I will reply in simple terms next time. We can ponder what else I meant, but I think it is rather useless. I will end with what started it all: intention is everything.
I am just human and can easily mess up from time to time. Hope this was a good enough distraction (some dark humor at the end).

❤️ 🙏
Click to expand...
I hope you didn't feel any upset from me in my response, my friend. I was just answering what I interpreted (wrongly) and wasn't upset. I feel like I can deal with criticism and disdain, I just try to be very clear when I feel I am dealing with such.

And no need to tip-toe or anything despite my reeling. I am so soul crushed yet surprisingly okay...

And yes, keep distracting me please lmfao.

🫂❤️

One love
 
Voidmatrix said:
I hope you didn't feel any upset from me in my response, my friend. I was just answering what I interpreted (wrongly) and wasn't upset. I feel like I can deal with criticism and disdain, I just try to be very clear when I feel I am dealing with such.

And no need to tip-toe or anything despite my reeling. I am so soul crushed yet surprisingly okay...

And yes, keep distracting me please lmfao.

🫂❤️

One love
Click to expand...
Oh, I am fine, but maybe a bit fried in the head. We can blame it on a lack of sun, rain, coffee, or maybe my character. Your reply sounded kind of philosophical, and I tried to match the style. I failed tremendously, and that is a good thing - something to learn for the future. I am not tip-toeing around you, but maybe some intent to give support lingers in the back of my head.

❤️
 
Back
Top Bottom