Void's Journey Into Silence

[Voidmatrix]

That's my problem with most people - we all suffer in our comfort zones, and no one wanders beyond them. I'm a part of this bs and just as stuck

Our comfort zones aren't explicitly physical, and not to disagree, but there are other ways in which we can move outside that as well... philosophy is very uncomfortable

One love

 

[northape]

If it helps, all of my traveling outside the country (which I was lucky to do) was all cultural immersion and volunteer work in poorer countries (South Africa and Brazil). A big ol backpack and hostels and we traveled through each country.

Regarding what we're suffering for, I think we still have to care enough about ourselves in order to make that choice. We have to claim our sovereignty, etc. That's where I am now.

I'm somewhere nearby

Our comfort zones aren't explicitly physical, and not to disagree, but there are other ways in which we can move outside that as well... philosophy is very uncomfortable

I feel like a convict who only has access to a library
The other day I asked myself: Why do you still work with medicine? I honestly don't have a clear answer...

There are many factors (climate and health included), but I don't have a clear aim at the moment. If it's about healing, most of it is behind me. And after all the work, I just find myself in territory that normals reach by default. If anything, all my frustration is about myself and where to go from now on. My healing was a decade-long project, so it is kind of part of my personality at this point. It feels like it's time to move on, though.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I feel like a convict who only has access to a library
The other day I asked myself: Why do you still work with medicine? I honestly don't have a clear answer...

Speaking from personal experience, be careful with that one. I got caught up in this and only recently broke out. What helped was realizing, for certain reasons why, the answer is ineffable, escaping words. Do you think that may be accurate for you?

And after all the work, I just find myself in territory that normals reach by default. If anything, all my frustration is about myself and where to go from now on. My healing was a decade-long project, so it is kind of part of my personality at this point. It feels like it's time to move on, though.

Sounds like maintenance of the work to preserve what's been done already.

One love

 

[northape]

Speaking from personal experience, be careful with that one. I got caught up in this and only recently broke out. What helped was realizing, for certain reasons why, the answer is ineffable, escaping words. Do you think that may be accurate for you?

Ineffable may be a good way to describe it. I feel like medicine became a part of me and my persona. It is not like I need it all the time, but I see no fault in going on a medicinal journey. Perhaps my use pattern will change and I will find a new balance. I had such a clear need for it for years, and now it feels like visiting a good friend or something.

Sounds like maintenance of the work to preserve what's been done already.

One love

Most likely you are right. I will let it brew in me for a while and see where it leads. These moods generally signify some change in myself.
Yeah, a break from medicine ended up being shakier than medicine itself...

Thank you

 

[Voidmatrix]

I feel like medicine became a part of me and my persona

Some people are into psychedelics. Some ARE psychedelic. You fall into the latter.

Yeah, a break from medicine ended up being shakier than medicine itself...

Kinda interesting how that happens isn't it?

One love

 

[ommani]

On the topic concerning the relatively of hardships and sorrows, I can think of no better song than this one…

 

[northape]

On the topic concerning the relatively of hardships and sorrows, I can think of no better song than this one…

Thank you

Kinda interesting how that happens isn't it?

Yeah, it is like a dam breaking or something. I've got lots of questions for myself. Yesterday, I tried to see what I find meaningful in life, and sadly enough, there is not much.

This civilization, society, the people around me, work and shopping, mundane interactions - everything that surrounds me really feels like a dream. I am old enough to get that it is all temporary and nothing stays the same. We are in a constant flux, and only our being is silent amidst this chaos. People try to put meaning into meaningless things and work hard to convince themselves of their fairy tales. You can choose any channel you like in this show: sex, violence, religion, or politics. On top of that, we are animals and need our basics covered. I cannot get the life I desire, and I suffer because of it. The State sees me as just one more sheep, a slave with little value. I am so tired of all this bs we call life that I see close to no meaning in it. And my problem is mostly with humans and human society. It is total insanity, but very few want to stop for a moment and look at it.

The only refuge I could come up with yesterday is God (life force, being, nature, reality). I do not have a clear definition of what God means, but for me, it is a force that makes everything alive. I see no value in the crazy human world. All the common carrots do not work on me anymore. All I can see is the complete insanity of it all. Sadly, very few people would get it, and we all need companionship.

Amen

 

[ommani]

Meditation is like going to the gym: you will develop a good physique, but what then?

Then you go up to random dudes on the street and ask, “bro, do you even lift?” If/when things get escalated, as they often do, you settle it the old-fashioned way (in the octagon).

 

[ommani]

Meditation is like going to the gym: you will develop a good physique, but what then?

Hypothetically, you’re then able to embody a grounded, peaceful, and calm state of body, speech, and mind, along with a regulated nervous system, which gives others the opportunity to co-regulate with you - thereby, evoking the possibility of not only experiencing peace and wellbeing in your own “wild and precious life,” but also of facilitating that possibility in the wild and precious lives of others.

 

[Voidmatrix]

One love

 

[EmeraldAtomiser]

Thank you

Yeah, it is like a dam breaking or something. I've got lots of questions for myself. Yesterday, I tried to see what I find meaningful in life, and sadly enough, there is not much.

This civilization, society, the people around me, work and shopping, mundane interactions - everything that surrounds me really feels like a dream. I am old enough to get that it is all temporary and nothing stays the same. We are in a constant flux, and only our being is silent amidst this chaos. People try to put meaning into meaningless things and work hard to convince themselves of their fairy tales. You can choose any channel you like in this show: sex, violence, religion, or politics. On top of that, we are animals and need our basics covered. I cannot get the life I desire, and I suffer because of it. The State sees me as just one more sheep, a slave with little value. I am so tired of all this bs we call life that I see close to no meaning in it. And my problem is mostly with humans and human society. It is total insanity, but very few want to stop for a moment and look at it.

The only refuge I could come up with yesterday is God (life force, being, nature, reality). I do not have a clear definition of what God means, but for me, it is a force that makes everything alive. I see no value in the crazy human world. All the common carrots do not work on me anymore. All I can see is the complete insanity of it all. Sadly, very few people would get it, and we all need companionship.

Amen

I feel your pain too, brother. I find it difficult being confronted with what our species is capable of, and what we have created and revel in.
I hope you can find some comfort in some of the aspects of The Creator you mention, and also that you may find companionship with an open-minded and open-hearted soul amid the insanity.

 

[dithyramb]

Thank you

Yeah, it is like a dam breaking or something. I've got lots of questions for myself. Yesterday, I tried to see what I find meaningful in life, and sadly enough, there is not much.

This civilization, society, the people around me, work and shopping, mundane interactions - everything that surrounds me really feels like a dream. I am old enough to get that it is all temporary and nothing stays the same. We are in a constant flux, and only our being is silent amidst this chaos. People try to put meaning into meaningless things and work hard to convince themselves of their fairy tales. You can choose any channel you like in this show: sex, violence, religion, or politics. On top of that, we are animals and need our basics covered. I cannot get the life I desire, and I suffer because of it. The State sees me as just one more sheep, a slave with little value. I am so tired of all this bs we call life that I see close to no meaning in it. And my problem is mostly with humans and human society. It is total insanity, but very few want to stop for a moment and look at it.

The only refuge I could come up with yesterday is God (life force, being, nature, reality). I do not have a clear definition of what God means, but for me, it is a force that makes everything alive. I see no value in the crazy human world. All the common carrots do not work on me anymore. All I can see is the complete insanity of it all. Sadly, very few people would get it, and we all need companionship.

Amen

IMV, the only thing that carries what we call meaning is love. And not just passive love. Active love. And active love is another term for relationship. Energy exchange, giving, taking. Serving and being served. We are, like everything else in the universe, ecological beings. When you trap water in a plastic bottle and throw it in the trash, I feel the water gets deeply unhappy. Waiting for the seemingly neverending degradation process of the plastic bottle to be set free, to join back in the divine connection matrix, to cycle through the universe, life. To give life, to serve life, to work with the deepest passion of it's soul, to die and be reborn. Existence is one big party and anything that misses out gets deeply depressed.

I would say forget about "society," "the system," "governments" etc. Focus on your life. Create your life. Build relationships. Even a relationship with a plant, like rue or Chacruna is a lifeline of meaning, but it is not enough. The theory is easy and nothing new, I know.

Even if you are literally thrown in a prison and every possibility of action is taken away from you, your ability to pray or desire is not taken. I am a believer in the power of prayer.

Love you brother

 

[northape]

IMV, the only thing that carries what we call meaning is love. And not just passive love. Active love. And active love is another term for relationship. Energy exchange, giving, taking. Serving and being served. We are, like everything else in the universe, ecological beings. When you trap water in a plastic bottle and throw it in the trash, I feel the water gets deeply unhappy. Waiting for the seemingly neverending degradation process of the plastic bottle to be set free, to join back in the divine connection matrix, to cycle through the universe, life. To give life, to serve life, to work with the deepest passion of it's soul, to die and be reborn. Existence is one big party and anything that misses out gets deeply depressed.

I would say forget about "society," "the system," "governments" etc. Focus on your life. Create your life. Build relationships. Even a relationship with a plant, like rue or Chacruna is a lifeline of meaning, but it is not enough. The theory is easy and nothing new, I know.

Even if you are literally thrown in a prison and every possibility of action is taken away from you, your ability to pray or desire is not taken. I am a believer in the power of prayer.

Love you brother

Thank you! You hit the nail right on the head. I feel like water stuck in a bottle or like frozen water longing to flow again. All the unrest that comes out of me is an inner cry for freedom. I was pondering my spiritual path and came to the conclusion that it is an escape tactic as well. I am too discontented and try to fix it in my mind, when it would be easier to change my external environment. Honestly, I am filled with unfulfilled desires. Where is the Silence in that? I am quite a hypocrite and a storyteller myself.

 

[Voidmatrix]

An insidious thread. And not this thread as in this conversation, but the dark tapestry I've been trying to unwind.

I've known for a long time that my upbringing was really hard for me and I deal with a lot of residual because of it. I talk about it all the time, so no duh. However, this information is known cognitively and not in my being, and as a result, it's something that I doubt and question. The doubt is a dour gift from my father and regular gaslighting. Laden with self-doubt, I have wondered if I remembered my upbringing erroneously or if there's something I am getting wrong to the point that I am the one being too harsh. This all part of the insidious plan: have so much self-doubt that I can't trust my thoughts, feelings, memory and interpretation of events and interactions and myself. When this mechanism is in place, he gets to save face, and I remain confused since he curbed the development of my own inner trust with myself.

And it's frustrating, I feel like this is a really important thread that I am pulling, but can't seem to put it into words that resonate with me and I feel I can be satisfied with, like a little package for this whole instance.

Things were really messed up, and I can't afford to allow anyone to lead me to or cause me to question it anymore (which ends up just reigniting the self-doubt I'd have to engage with my self-righteous narcissistic father).

To summarize, because of the mechanism of self-doubt provided by the source, it has been hard for me to trust how screwed up things were and their effect on me, leaving me questioning myself and curtailing my healing, growth, and development.

I am angry.

One love

 

[ShadedSelf]

I know cognitively is another story, but it sounds like you do recognize it in your being, at least your body does.

I am angry.

Just to clarify, how long has that anger been there for?

 

[Voidmatrix]

I know cognitively is another story, but it sounds like you do recognize it in your being, at least your body does.

You're right, that's why it has the responses and and reactions it does, adaptations for survival.

Just to clarify, how long has that anger been there for?

I've been angry since childhood, but could never process it amongst many other emotions.

One love

 

[blig-blug]

However, this information is known cognitively and not in my being, and as a result, it's something that I doubt and question

That's common in childhood trauma. Children desperately need to believe their parents are good for them, as their survival depends on parental care. They aren't in a position to be able to distance themselves from their parents, or try to change them. The best strategy for survival is to adapt to this situation, and the way a child, who won't be emotionally developed, can do that is by seeing the situation as his own fault. Guilt, fear, and shame are in this context protective, and lead the child to modify his behavior in a way that reduces the threat of parental abandonment as much as possible. What happens as the child grows up is a different matter, of course. These beliefs are very sticky, having been adopted very early and in a context of fight for survival.

To this I would add that broken people (which I'm assuming your dad was, sorry if I'm wrong) often have many faces. They can be a perfectly normal and loving person one moment, and the next turn into a monster. That's hard enough for an adult to deal with, and I think a child just can't understand it. So they often seem to split those different "faces" in completely different persons, some of which are supposed to be perfect and others evil. This leads to more confusion and guilt later on, as it becomes very difficult to reconcile the good and the bad, whatever their proportion.

I personally advise you to just stay with how you feel about it by now, not caring about trying to figure out what "actually happened". Your mind is not a court of law, you don't need to emit a final verdict. In my experience it's better to stay with the feelings and learn to accept them in their contradictions, without trying to do "historical research" where the "actual events" must be found. This doesn't mean to give up on understanding it, you probably will see some parts falling in place by themselves over time. And once you can trust your emotions even in their contradictory aspects, it will be easier to try to understand what happened, if that still interests you (it likely will as it's your past, after all).

Just some advice heavily based on personal experience and observation, take whatever makes sense and disregard everything else!

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thank you for that. A lot of that I am aware of to one degree or another, but it's hard to align and internalize it, applying that understanding to myself.

I personally advise you right now to just stay with how you feel about it, not caring about what actually happened. Your mind is not a court of law, you don't need to emit a final verdict. In my experience it's better to stay with the feelings and learn to accept them in their contradictions, without trying to do "historical research" where the "actual events" must be found. This doesn't mean to give up on understanding it, you probably will see some parts falling in place by themselves over time. And once you can trust your emotions even in their contradictory aspects, it will be easier to try to understand what happened, if that still interests you (it likely will as it's your past, after all).

I kinda needed to hear this. I like accuracy. I want to be accurate and correct in my accusations and assertions. It's logical, and I take that into my healing often times. I really want the nitty-gritty details in order to be accurate, for I'd feel tremendous guilt for falsely accusing anyone, including my father, of anything.

However, yes, he has lots of trauma, but that doesn't excuse shit-headedness imo. And perhaps I am biased since I am the one healing from his effects and abuses, but I have tried to show that man a great deal of empathy, understanding, and compassion. The tank is dry. I have to look out for me, something he did only performatively.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Ya know one other thing that helped, and some of you have helped in this way too, but was my boss being straightforward with me about my past so that I doubt myself less about. "Yeah, you're f'ed up, and it's not your fault. I am so sorry you had to grow up with a narcissist. It's a long road to heal from."

One love

 

[blig-blug]

However, yes, he has lots of trauma, but that doesn't excuse shit-headedness imo

It doesn't excuse it at all, sorry if I wasn't clear about that. He was an adult and you a child (and not just a child, but his son, depending on him). Many people have trauma and don't make other's lives hell, we are responsible for our actions as we grow up.

I only mentioned his brokenness to point out that that's absolutely incomprehensible for a child, and can contribute a lot to feeling self-doubt.

I'm not suggesting at all to show him any empathy. More the opposite: trust your gut and stay away, to whatever extent that's reasonable and possible. Time will tell what's best once you trust your own emotions more.

And again, obviously feel free to disregard this, as it may be wrong or not apply to your situation