Void's Journey Into Silence

[Voidmatrix]

It doesn't excuse it at all, sorry if I wasn't clear about that. He was an adult and you a child (and not just a child, but his son, depending on him). Many people have trauma and don't make other's lives hell, we are responsible for our actions as we grow up.

I only mentioned his brokenness to point out that that's absolutely incomprehensible for a child, and can contribute a lot to feeling self-doubt.

I'm not suggesting at all to show him any empathy. More the opposite: trust your gut and stay away, to whatever extent that's reasonable and possible. Time will tell what's best once you trust your own emotions more.

And again, obviously feel free to disregard this, as it may be wrong or not apply to your situation

That's on me. I tried to preemptively reply to what I thought was coming because I've had so many people whine to me about showing him, empathy amd compassion and waaah waaah waaah, he's your father after all nonsense. So my bad.

There was no way I could ever make sense of him growing up. It led to a point where I liked him when he was asleep or not home. I feared him more than I ever loved him.



One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

I have been gravitating back to this, but will go about it in a more relaxed way. It will be less strict allowing more time with podcasts, audiobooks, and music. My main aim and goal right now is to limit my screentime, particularly how much YouTube I watch. I feel I watch a lot of educational content, minimal mindless slop, and in an effort to be more informed as to what is going on in corners of the world that I'd rather not frequent.

I may have these views of what I consume, but it is still doing me a disservice. I do it to have background noise, but I forget that that's the point of it and end up focusing more on the content than whatever else I may be doing. Part of me wants to grow and learn and so then prioritize trying to process the content. But this is futile because I don't remember most of it. I am less eidetic because it is simply too much content and it doesn't really mean anything to me.

YouTube doesn't actually have the intention to help one educate themselves, refine their mind, and be more informed. They only want traffic and engagement to hoard the currency of our attention.

I am often bored, and I get anxious when bored because punishment was accompanied with boredom. However, I feel bored with much of the human world. And bored in general. I have been finding it hard to get into anything and be engaged without some amount of force. Aside from being overwhelmed and overstimulated, I think that my experience of boredom is also an indicator. I think that I really need to work on my own interests and projects more than consuming from others. Write more, stream more, develop classes, play more music, record and share stuff, etc. I think that I need to enter a creative phase in my life, something I don't think I have ever deeply engaged. It will be a good way to explore myself. It will also help me to remove the function of internal judgment I find myself commonly reeling through.

I only let @blig-blug know this initially, but I have drastically cut back on my cannabis use. Cannabis just hits different and isn't serving me as it used to. I also started getting more high from standard amounts, which leads me to entertain thoughts of sensitization with cannabis among other plants and molecules.

As always, going through a lot of change.

One love

 

[blig-blug]

YouTube doesn't actually have the intention to help one educate themselves, refine their mind, and be more informed. They only want traffic and engagement to hoard the currency of our attention.

A bit offtopic, but maybe you could be interested in using NewPipe (if in your phone, there are other options for PC): NewPipe - a free YouTube client

It's a youtube client that doesn't require an account, blocks ads (you can also add sponsorblock to skip sponsorships) and allows you to subscribe to channels and see only new videos posted in chronological order, avoiding the youtube algorithm. It could be a good tool to still watch what you enjoy without letting youtube attempt their engagement tricks on you.

 

[Voidmatrix]

A bit offtopic, but maybe you could be interested in using NewPipe (if in your phone, there are other options for PC): NewPipe - a free YouTube client

It's a youtube client that doesn't require an account, blocks ads (you can also add sponsorblock to skip sponsorships) and allows you to subscribe to channels and see only new videos posted in chronological order, avoiding the youtube algorithm. It could be a good tool to still watch what you enjoy without letting youtube attempt their engagement tricks on you.

Thank you for sharing this. Can you also share the app for PC. I am having this problem mainly on my computer. I have screentime limits on my phone, which makes avoiding Youtube on there a bit easier atm.

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[blig-blug]

Thank you for sharing this. Can you also share the app for PC. I am having this problem mainly on my computer. I have screentime limits on my phone, which makes avoiding Youtube on there a bit easier atm.

One love

The one I use (straw viewer) is for Linux, but another good option is to use the Invidious frontend, as it also avoids both ads (use uBlock Origin anyways) and the Youtube algorithm. A good one is yewtu.be , if that's down or rate-limited at some point, there's a list with other instances here: https://docs.invidious.io/instances/

 

[Voidmatrix]

The one I use (straw viewer) is for Linux, but another good option is to use the Invidious frontend, as it also avoids both ads (use uBlock Origin anyways) and the Youtube algorithm. A good one is yewtu.be , if that's down or rate-limited at some point, there's a list with other instances here: https://docs.invidious.io/instances/

Thanks! I got one of em up!

One love

 

[Icyseeker]

I can't seem to kill this problem either. I have been able to mitigate its effects and even sometimes stop it all together for a brief time. The problem is I am using it as boredom alleviation as well but it is the shittiest form of spending my time. Thanks for the suggestion Blig-blug I am seeing if I can get something like this going for PC and phone.

 

[blig-blug]

I can't seem to kill this problem either. I have been able to mitigate its effects and even sometimes stop it all together for a brief time. The problem is I am using it as boredom alleviation as well but it is the shittiest form of spending my time. Thanks for the suggestion Blig-blug I am seeing if I can get something like this going for PC and phone.

The way to do so depends on the OS, but it's possible to e.g. block Youtube altogether and just use an Invidious frontend. That could be a good option for PC.

Sorry for the slight derail @Voidmatrix, if the conversation about Youtube-watching tools continues I will just split it into its own thread

 

[Voidmatrix]

The way to do so depends on the OS, but it's possible to e.g. block Youtube altogether and just use an Invidious frontend. That could be a good option for PC.

Sorry for the slight derail @Voidmatrix, if the conversation about Youtube-watching tools continues I will just split it into its own thread

You're good. I want my threads to derail and then come back on track.

One love

 

[Transform]

You're good. I want my threads to derail and then come back on track.

One love

Don't forget international potato day this time next month!

 

[Icyseeker]

The way to do so depends on the OS, but it's possible to e.g. block Youtube altogether and just use an Invidious frontend. That could be a good option for PC.

Sorry for the slight derail @Voidmatrix, if the conversation about Youtube-watching tools continues I will just split it into its own thread

Got it set up with just my subscriptions. Swapped it out for the subscription bookmark of YouTube. Looking at it gives very little dopamine which is great .

We will see how this goes.