Why DMT Scares Me

[The Kraken]

I'm surprised no one has brought up the unmistakable sensation of the bladder and bowels emptying when far gone enough! Or maybe that's just me...

 

[Voidmatrix]

Let's not pretend that all the worries and concerns are gone. They very much so aren't, but I am rubbing my head against, pushing the edge, shearing the membrane. These worries and concerns are still active, still present, which is why I haven't gone completely off the deep-end, but I am more comfortable standing on the precipice.

This is my work. And in some ways my secret, because there are those that wouldn't advocate for my antics. But as long as I am progressing and healthy, I am going to keep going.

I am learning self reassurance.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

The moar I lean into what is hard for me to admit, the moar I see what needs to be seen and realize what I struggle to realize. Owning what I need to own, and it isn't arrogant. I care less about the optics.

@Nydex made a poignant and potent observation about me to me yesterday.

I swear to god you're one of the quirkiest, funniest motherfuckers I know...you remind me of Sisyphus, but on top of pushing the massive boulder of daily life uphill, along the way you also stop and bend over to pick up some pebbles in your pockets, because you feel like you ain't doing enough

Way to say you're hard on yourself. However, I have little to nothing to show for it. How true is this though?

If I take this and disown my deterrents, how much more aligned and successful could I be?

Why is this in the DMT thread? There are strands that connect to my work there. I feel I need something moar from myself in terms of strength and resilience. There's something to turn towards, something I need to feel in order to understand this.

Be free.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Idk if you guys are aware of this, but a lot of these posts that don't concern me doing DMT often happen first thing in the morning. Sorry, not sorry, thanks for bearing with me.

That said...
12mg...

I didn't care it was early, I was ready, willing and wanting. Be careful what you ask for.

While I'm starting to dial in the heat for my rig (it's such a beautiful rig too, I'm glad I'm using it), I still burned it and feel a cough in the back of my throat. It would be interesting to know what the experience would've been had I not burned it.

While not visual, it was still somatically heavy, with intermittent shaking as my body processes this and that. It was really visual, but I could feel that the location of my consciousness was elsewhere and there seemed to be some company in the space. There was time spent in a cold void where I was intimate with fear, seeing how it was just there, but had no control over my scruples or agency.

After I step off the shakti mat, I'll weigh another 12mg or so for later.

One love

 

[Nydex]

Way to say you're hard on yourself. However, I have little to nothing to show for it. How true is this though?

While I'm happy my words had an impact, I strongly disagree that you have little to nothing to show for your effort. Sure, by conventional, materialistic standards, you may not be extremely successful. But I don't think that's how true success is measured. To me, one that shows effort and gives it their best every single day, even on the days when they feel like staying in bed, is one that is doing things "right".

To have the strength to show up and be honest about yourself when you feel like shrivelling away in a dark room alone is not just a sign of courage, but "emotional success". I do get the urge to compare oneself to others on a materialistic basis, but that's not everyone's cup of tea, so to speak.

 

[Voidmatrix]

While I'm happy my words had an impact, I strongly disagree that you have little to nothing to show for your effort. Sure, by conventional, materialistic standards, you may not be extremely successful. But I don't think that's how true success is measured. To me, one that shows effort and gives it their best every single day, even on the days when they feel like staying in bed, is one that is doing things "right".

To have the strength to show up and be honest about yourself when you feel like shrivelling away in a dark room alone is not just a sign of courage, but "emotional success". I do get the urge to compare oneself to others on a materialistic basis, but that's not everyone's cup of tea, so to speak.

I appreciate your corrective perspective.

Relative to measures of success, I feel that some of our standards around this are extensions of developmental milestones. If a child isn't starting to speak at a certain age, there may be something to be aware of and address. But the itty bitty capacity of the common minds extends this into adulthood, where people can't imagine the vastness of difference between people and the lives they live.

And some types of success may be more valuable than other more optical measures, but how do I convince the hypothetical people in my mind that represent my view of others of this?

One love

 

[Nydex]

but how do I convince the hypothetical people in my mind that represent my view of others of this?

Just turn on the APPLAUSE sign and dance to the ovation homie

 

[northape]

 

[northape]

I feel like I've been working toward my future life for years now. Call me crazy, but even a lot of inner work seems to produce little apparent change at this point. It’s all so subtle that most people wouldn't see its worth, and it's practically invisible from an outside perspective. I have a hard time pinpointing exactly what I'm doing and how much value it truly holds. How can others see it when they only observe the end result and consider it normal?

Plant medicines burn karma and train the energy body for a higher current of consciousness. Somewhere along the way, wisdom and love find their way in. Only someone operating from a higher state can truly judge what's going on. Perhaps the Cosmos should evaluate our worth. However, since we can't escape the subjectivity of the Cosmos, the focus returns to us once again.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I feel like I've been working toward my future life for years now. Call me crazy, but even a lot of inner work seems to produce little apparent change at this point. It’s all so subtle that most people wouldn't see its worth, and it's practically invisible from an outside perspective. I have a hard time pinpointing exactly what I'm doing and how much value it truly holds. How can others see it when they only observe the end result and consider it normal?

I don't know how to put into words what I'm doing, but I am up to something and it is important, and just because I can't put into words doesn't mean I don't know what's going on, but rather may be more a reflection of the limits of language. But there are hypothetical people that live in my mind that hassle me about this as well. And these hypothetical people reflect what I estimate I may encounter in the world. But this is just more reason to be centered in self, not allowing anyone or anything to throw me off my beam.

I think I've done a lot of the work, and need to bask in the work that I have done instead of looking for more work. With DMT for example, and we've visited this, I am doing work with this medicine. I'm not doing this recreationally and don't know if I'd be able to because I'm so deep in it (I am trying to have more fun, but that tends to be hard too). However, I may have whined less if this was something that I felt I could approach recreationally. It's so serious to me. That being said, my struggles are reflective of deeper work, courage, wherewithal and resilience instead of weakness and cowardice. A reframe is in order. This work makes my experiences seem removed from many and makes it hard to relate. But that may also be a reflection of me as a person. DMT is only getting weirder and more complex.

Plant medicines burn karma and train the energy body for a higher current of consciousness. Somewhere along the way, wisdom and love find their way in. Only someone operating from a higher state can truly judge what's going on. Perhaps the Cosmos should evaluate our worth. However, since we can't escape the subjectivity of the Cosmos, the focus returns to us once again.

Very beautiful.

One love

 

[northape]

I'm not doing this recreationally and don't know if I'd be able to because I'm so deep in it (I am trying to have more fun, but that tends to be hard too). However, I may have whined less if this was something that I felt I could approach recreationally. It's so serious to me. That being said, my struggles are reflective of deeper work, courage, wherewithal and resilience instead of weakness and cowardice. A reframe is in order. This work makes my experiences seem removed from many and makes it hard to relate. But that may also be a reflection of me as a person. DMT is only getting weirder and more complex.

I can relate to what you're talking about. It got serious for me very quickly. Who knows if I ever got a real honeymoon with plants?
Most of the time, I can't put into words what I'm doing in a ceremony. Everything went in a shamanic direction, and I mostly intuit what's going on.
The amount of darkness I've seen rarely comes up in any reports I read. People talk about unity or some galactic experience when I'm trying to clear my cowshed
Beyond it all is a vast openness that exceeds belief. Having seen it a few times, I've stopped questioning anything. I try to be true to myself and work with integrity.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Most of the time, I can't put into words what I'm doing in a ceremony. Everything went in a shamanic direction, and I mostly intuit what's going on.

It's like there's a schematic that you both abide by and don't abide by.

The amount of darkness I've seen rarely comes up in any reports I read. People talk about unity or some galactic experience when I'm trying to clear my cowshed

Imagine this kind of experience with a kind simultaneity.

But I think that's where I get a bit hung up and as a result find myself in freefall, is that I have some experiences that sound like others, and then I have a great many that aren't...

Beyond it all is a vast openness that exceeds belief. Having seen it a few times, I've stopped questioning anything. I try to be true to myself and work with integrity.

Me too, but I also question everything (I suppose we could dig into what we mean by question) and don't have any belief.

One love

 

[northape]

Me too, but I also question everything (I suppose we could dig into what we mean by question) and don't have any belief.

I reread my statement and would like to clarify that I'm not questioning only that openness. I have full faith in that experience, because it presented itself that way. All the questions or agendas fell away back then. When it comes to other areas, it's not up to me. Sometimes I'd ponder something for weeks; other times, even weird stuff is just taken as it is. Sorry, I write intuitively whatever comes into my mind. Sometimes I disown it quite fast. You're well equipped to discern the core of the message anyway

 

[Voidmatrix]

This has been a long thread. Let's see if we can neatly and concisely delineate why DMT scares me based on the entirety of the thread. We'll do it without reviewing the entire thread. A long long process is finally shifting, finally changing. A transmutation is finally taking.

1. I don't know what to make of this paradox and refuse to "pick a side." The grand debate between hyperspace having an objective ontological reality vs it's all on our heads, to say it simply. There is ungroundedness that inherently comes with this.

There's no interpretive lens and many at the same time.

Getting caught up with what seems to be so, but struggle to accept and explain, like the applause and encouragement from the space while it can simultaneously rock me is on its own confusing and will likely always be that way.

2. In doing it alone, I learned and had to peel layers aways hiding my self-trust. I needed to be okay being aligned in self and centered in self. I had to be willing to see and own my strengths and capacities, not second-guess them. Having a poor gage of self caused a poor gage in other things that lead to to many trivial considerations.

I couldn't admit, allow, and receive.

I couldn't give myself positive credit for anything.

I couldn't give myself permission. I don't need anyone's permission.

I couldn't tap into my confidence on my own behalf.

My narrative of myself has been apocryphal.

3. My own self-doubt and being too hard on myself. Nuff said, and still a work in progress.

4. The nature of my personal experiences as well as increased sensitivity and attenuation to psychedelics. It only seems to get weirder and increase in complexity.

5. Trauma from earliest journeys.

6. And, um, the shit is "objectively" terrifying, especially after it gets real. In my efforts to normalize that part, I only recently understood that the embarkation happens in spite of said fear, trepidation, and doubt.

Then there's the overall notion that this approach allows not only for a deep soul and heartfelt relationship with these plants, molecules, and energies therein, but it increases my resilience and longevity in the space as well. Having gone low and slow, I am well conditioned now. Perfect when one also has easy access.

There's been a lot of growth, and as I heal, I would like to bask in the laurels and fruits of my labor. I'd like to.

I'll keep posting here as a reflective log and trip log, but I'd like to give a big thank you and show my gratitude to all that have supported and been a part of this thread.



One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Something I wanna name. And it makes me angry. But naming it helps move through it (the only way is through as @Nydex likes to say).

I don't like dumbshit. I especially don't like it when I'm negatively and powerfully impacted by dumbshit.

"Only pu**ies microdose."
"What's the point if you're not going all the way."

It's stupid, oblivious-ass statements like this that get me. And I know they're dumb and baseless, yet I still worry about the optics around such statements.

I really wanna respond to the first one, "only idiots think that pu**ies microdose."

And to the second, "What's the point in asking that question if you don't really wanna know the answer?"

In short, I don't like that I've allowed these types of ideas to impact me so greatly to the extent that I somewhat impose them on myself.

It's impact annoys me too.

One love

Edit: any mod, feel free to edit.

Double Edit: I really really don't like it when dumbshit i KNOW is dumbshit, negatively effects me

 

[blig-blug]

In short, I don't like that I've allowed these types of ideas to impact me so greatly to the extent that I somewhat impose them on myself.

It's impact annoys me too.

I feel that. In my case it's not with psychedelics, but I also find myself caring more about what other people think than I would like to (I don't mean specific people but society). In general I care very little, but there are some sticky spots where I still end up caring, despite not wanting it to be the case.

An approach that tends to work for me is to look into what those opinions say about the one saying them. "Only pussies microdose" says, to me, that the person is afraid they may be "a pussy" themselves, and want their higher doses to be the proof that they're not one. Someone they don't consider to be "a pussy" microdosing threatens that, so they need either that person to stop microdosing, or to believe that person is "a pussy". By pushing they insecurities into others, they can feel safer.

I think both having those stupid opinions and being affected by them despite being aware of their stupidity is human. We can work to reduce both, and I think you're doing a fine job at that, from what you post.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I feel that. In my case it's not with psychedelics, but I also find myself caring more about what other people think than I would like to (I don't mean specific people but society). In general I care very little, but there are some sticky spots where I still end up caring, despite not wanting it to be the case.

I am very caring, but usually have a decent filter. This though... granted, one thing I've yet to make my way through is the assumption that others think I'm weaker and the potential that I am.

An approach that tends to work for me is to look into what those opinions say about the one saying them. "Only pussies microdose" says, to me, that the person is afraid they may be "a pussy" themselves, and want their higher doses to be the proof that they're not one. Someone they don't consider to be "a pussy" microdosing threatens that, so they need either that person to stop microdosing, or to believe that person is "a pussy". By pushing they insecurities into others, they can feel safer.

I definitely have done this and do do this, but it's still there. I think it's because I have a certain standard for myself and can't respond in the way I'd like. But I really wanna dig into the stupidity of a lot of such claims.

The part you said about someone they don't consider a pussy microdosing is telling for me about others I've engaged...

I think both having those stupid opinions and being affected by them despite being aware of their stupidity us human. We can work to reduce both, and I think you're doing a fine job at that, from what you post.

Thank you kindly! As you can imagine, some of the same concerns of effect occur with most of what i share. I try to steel myself through it. Input like yours helps change the narrative.

One love

 

[universecannon]

Just hit em with a meme it's all they deserve anyway

 

[northape]

"Only pu**ies microdose."
"What's the point if you're not going all the way."

That's the narrative of someone who never went all the way. When you have seen how incredibly deep it can go, low doses become the new normal.
Ime, you need strong doses only due to a lack of sensitivity. Less becomes more after sufficient work with the plants is done.

Just be thankful to them for showing you what to work on. We can never change anyone or fight their ignorance. See what resonated with these comments and let it be.
A lion does not chase sticks but looks right at the one who threw it. Roar, laugh, and move on

Edit: I feel like you've done the work, and most likely it's just inertia from a previous outlook in your psyche that still connects with these energies. Give it time and space to die out by itself.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Just be thankful to them for showing you what to work on.

And here we are working on it

That's the narrative of someone who never went all the way. When you have seen how incredibly deep it can go, low doses become the new normal.
Ime, you need strong doses only due to a lack of sensitivity. Less becomes more after sufficient work with the plants is done.

Just be thankful to them for showing you what to work on. We can never change anyone or fight their ignorance. See what resonated with these comments and let it be.
A lion does not chase sticks but looks right at the one who threw it. Roar, laugh, and move on

Edit: I feel like you've done the work, and most likely it's just inertia from a previous outlook in your psyche that still connects with these energies. Give it time and space to die out by itself.

Dude! I sometimes wanna tell people they don't know how deep the rabbit hole goes. It's not cowardice, it's foresight and wisdom!

And thank you thank you thank you, I feel like I've done the work, but in acknowledging that, imposter syndrome emerges...

One love