Even without the help of psychedelics I've little if any idea what's going on. I do find watching ants to be very calming for some reason, however.
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Why DMT Scares Me
- Thread starter Voidmatrix
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I have been fairly convinced at times that insectoids really do exist. At least it is one phenomenon that is seems to reliably manifest given enough ppl take DMT or psilocybin. I just don’t know what to do with that. I don’t really get jesters, or brings that try to lock me out etc…but insectoids yeah I get those trips.
@Jamie01 why you gotta bring my great great Ukrainian grandmother into this conversation?! She was part Romani, which means I have Indian ancestry (y’all better recognize). She also taught herbalism to one of her son’s who went on to become a well known, Soviet Russian herbalist, and was harassed by the KGB (real talk). I actually do wish that I could communicate with her, somehow, but the primary effect I experience with psychedelics is ego dissolution… contacting my ancestors has never been my experience, though I presume it can happen, in some sense, particularly in traditional contexts.
I haven’t experienced any other sort of ancestor contact either. Just this one lady and she lives in a tree house in a forest that exists somewhere in hyperspace. A lovely Asian man taught me how to find her once in an ayahuasca vision. He said “ follow me” or something and ran off through the woods singing icaro type songs and the music would open portals we ran through. He even ran right up a tree and I followed through a portal in the tree tops. So this is how I found this lady that lives in a tree that eats sins. The name she told me does actually translate to my great great Ukrainian grandmothers name…I mean loosely.
None of these things happen in a sequence that makes sense though. I’m sort of all over the place in my head when I’m tripping in a visionary space like that. It’s all jumbled like a dream. It’s too easy when writing trip reports to want to organize it into a narrative that makes sense. It’s one reason why I hate writing reports and never do anymore. It always feels like I’m watching gold turn to coal dust putting it in words.
None of these things happen in a sequence that makes sense though. I’m sort of all over the place in my head when I’m tripping in a visionary space like that. It’s all jumbled like a dream. It’s too easy when writing trip reports to want to organize it into a narrative that makes sense. It’s one reason why I hate writing reports and never do anymore. It always feels like I’m watching gold turn to coal dust putting it in words.
Wow that sounds incredible. Anytime the intensity has ramped up for me on psychedelics, I have typically felt like I was going insane, and couldn’t relax into it. I feel like I haven’t tripped enough, though I’ve actually tripped a lot, over the years, just mostly at low to moderate doses.
It’s also wild that we both have great great Ukrainian grandmothers (I thought you were making a reference to my facetious post in a different thread). It truly is a small world…
It’s not necessarily about intensity. It’s about laying down in the dark getting very comfortable with the right music and maybe also getting real stoned while peaking. You have to find the state where you are dream tripping, and then let your mind run wild. I think I also have hyperphantasia and can/do hallucinate easily even without psychs anyway.
I hope this reads as me drawing a parallel with a different subject matter:
I really enjoy watching some Alien Conspiracy stuff, and yeah there must be something out there, but I always fall back on the bit about seeing it with my own eyes.... when I see it I'll believe it. Though some say you have to believe it to see it. So maybe I'm blindfolded by my reality, though open to the possibility of new realities should they show themselves.
The frequently bandied about term 'Ontological Shock' gets used everywhere, though I'm not sure if it's going to be a shock or more of a gradual realisation, surely it's mostly religions that would feel the most shock to their beliefs should a non-human intelligence pop up and say Hi.
I think you just gotta see it to believe it, and that requires being at the right place at the right time. People who don’t believe see these strange crafts all the time. I once saw a “UFO”…only once. No idea what it really was. Personally I think there is other life out there, the US(and other) gov knows about it and that’s why we now have space force.
After careful and long reflection, I think this might be it for me in this thread. While I wanted to talk about something that is familiar to all of us with regard to this molecule, I am not very fond at the moment of how I have shaped this thread. It became more of a chamber for me to vent, whine, and revisit the same elements of this over and over again. I feel a bit of shame. I feel a bit of embarrassment.
This is okay for me to feel these things because they are cues. My work is self-love, self-acceptance, and self-trust, that's what we have been orbiting around the entire time, it was just hard for me to see it. And so, by accepting myself where I am as I am, I can love myself a bit more and trust myself a bit more, and it's a process to go over again and again, allowing nuanced changes to creep in.
I thank everyone for their contributions, support, insights, authenticity, and honesty. It's been a truly a beautiful treasure.
Anyone and everyone can still keep having fun here, but I will likely not post in this thread anymore, and if I do, it will be in a very different spirit from how I have posted in this thread in the past.
One love
This is okay for me to feel these things because they are cues. My work is self-love, self-acceptance, and self-trust, that's what we have been orbiting around the entire time, it was just hard for me to see it. And so, by accepting myself where I am as I am, I can love myself a bit more and trust myself a bit more, and it's a process to go over again and again, allowing nuanced changes to creep in.
I thank everyone for their contributions, support, insights, authenticity, and honesty. It's been a truly a beautiful treasure.
Anyone and everyone can still keep having fun here, but I will likely not post in this thread anymore, and if I do, it will be in a very different spirit from how I have posted in this thread in the past.
One love
I think you were quite clear, and I agree with you that the stereotypical interpretation is misleading. I am personally convinced that we connect to something outside our physical selves, but we're not capable of understanding it using our conscious thought processes. So our brains fall back on archetypal interpretations with alien beings etc. but that's not a true description.
And maybe @northape would be right that it's just different aspects of the one entity that is all of us. I'd like to think so.
This is how I viewed the thread, I hope another gets started soon.
Y
I've had several people express disappointment or some amount of dismay at my last post. This has provided me fuel to reconsider my position.
From my perspective, I've annoyed myself in this thread. That's something for me to look at.
I also had the realization that in some ways I am spinning my wheels and not progressing as I'd like.
There is a reflection a may be trying to avoid in bailing on this thread, so I am trying to lean into shadow.
That said, I will again add to the discussion.
With my fear of DMT I can better see my lack of compassion with myself. @Jamie01 made mention in another thread of they prepare their space and whatnot, which made me notice how I rush and flog myself into the space. I worry I won't do it if I have too much time (despite how often I smoalk, there's clearly a disconnect). But hurrying, and hurrying to get the dose in leaves my system more shaky and dysregulated than when I can be good enough to myself to make it special each and every time. There's a devaluation of self that inhibits this. But perhaps by speaking it, channeling the Ase, I can influence change.
One love
Divine power or energy in the Yoruba tradition, similar to prana in Hindu traditions.
not familiar with this expression…
Literally, I am trying to speak out loud more, specifically to myself, whether in dialogue or glossolalia, to influence inner change.
One love
Where else is there to progress to with smoking DMT…aside from just smoking more DMT? My own appetite for it went down because I was smoking and eating DMT so often and it became redundant. I also thought that I was going to progress into deeper and deeper spaces or reach a sort of consciousness tipping point. I never did. I just inevitably got caught up in other things and my use of DMT became much less frequent but not necessarily less important.
I hated that feeling of forcing myself to vape DMT so often. I’d sit there with my hands shaking trying to talk myself into it and I always had this impression that other people were sitting down vaping 75 mg etc and having a great time…which probly was not true.
It caused me a lot of unnecessary stress in retrospect trying so hard to be psychedelic enough. Whatever that means.
I hated that feeling of forcing myself to vape DMT so often. I’d sit there with my hands shaking trying to talk myself into it and I always had this impression that other people were sitting down vaping 75 mg etc and having a great time…which probly was not true.
It caused me a lot of unnecessary stress in retrospect trying so hard to be psychedelic enough. Whatever that means.
Thanks for sharing all that. It's pretty helpful. It's hard for me to trust myself to lean on having certain thoughts and intuitions of my own that align with some of what you've shared.
It's also an exercise in strengthening mind and resolve as I don't want to feel like I have to force myself either. This is why I have pretty much dropped these weird mandates around smoalking, like attempting to get all of the dose in one hit.
I tend to have the assumptions regarding others and it is only a reflection of my self-esteem really. There's nothing to compare to, regardless of the optics around strength, courage and bravery to get into all of this. It seems that not only are people not dosing in such ways generally, but not everyone necessarily has hard experiences in there and if they do they sometimes aren't as affected by it as someone else may.
Your share was really helpful. Thank you again.
One love
The hope and goals was/is to move into deeper spaces and more visual experiences because I've even bailed on trying to get the visual aspect. It feels like there's something for me in deeper spaces. So I'd like to keep moving that way.
It's also an exercise in strengthening mind and resolve as I don't want to feel like I have to force myself either. This is why I have pretty much dropped these weird mandates around smoalking, like attempting to get all of the dose in one hit.
I tend to have the assumptions regarding others and it is only a reflection of my self-esteem really. There's nothing to compare to, regardless of the optics around strength, courage and bravery to get into all of this. It seems that not only are people not dosing in such ways generally, but not everyone necessarily has hard experiences in there and if they do they sometimes aren't as affected by it as someone else may.
Your share was really helpful. Thank you again.
One love
This is exactly why the thread exists and exactly why its necessary. We all regardless of our experience or intentions have fear or anxiety or some form of negative self talk or thought around the use of DMT. I in fact last night prepared my body and mind and sat outside in my Puja room and just reflected on this very thread and discussion and never partook. Just as @Jamie01 and @Voidmatrix have mentioned the headwinds we all face when using this molecule, it is a shared struggle and healthy tug of war. I am glad we all agree that this is worth continuing and adding value, throughout my whole life in any part of it the knowledge that my struggle was not unique and that others have and are facing similar ones has always brought me relief and renewed purpose. I hope yours is renewed and reinvigorated.
Y
Voidmatrix said:
channeling the Ase (Silent R)
Sorry, must have slipped into P0rn 5tar mode!
channeling the Ase (Silent R)
Channel that Arse, Channel it! Do it, Have it, Take it, Channel that Arse! *I say these words with love and kindness haha*
Sorry, must have slipped into P0rn 5tar mode!
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