being all alone.

[○]

..sending you the best wishes possible jamie..

..and the thing is. GOD is with me. I NEVER thought I would find myselft saying that. But I know it. I know GOD. It's not the christian god, or the muslim god. It's not Odin. Sometimes she is Gaia, other times she bites like a black widow. Sometimes he's a massive galactic orgasm. Other times it is none of these..but something..indescribable..ineffible..and yet..that's not enough..this god feels shattered, like myself. Maybe god lost a lover too.

Is GOD lonely?
Does GOD have a lover?

How do you reconcile loosing the one person who seemed to reflect the stars themselves back to you?..one who when you look into they're eyes you see the cosmos encased? The only person you ever loved? The smile that could be the highlight of your day, for every single day of your life?

..with an extra decade to have gone through similar experiences jamie, i can say that things do change...that kind of love can appear again, in another set of eyes, but it's the same eyes in a way...if you're open and not resisting change..life becomes more complete again..other things in life will fill the void..
if one thing is inevitable in the universe it is change...the shakti as hindus call it..
but sure, spiritual advice can seem empty or annoying in the depths of pain..

in a similar state when i was around 30 i felt so alone that i could see no real other positive path but to actually embrace the spiritual path...or whatever you want to call it..
..with hindsight i can see that only by being put in a predicament of aloneness could i have really worked on the discipline of focusing on the universal love..what seemed like tragedy was in fact an opportunity to grow..
..through focus, through faith, through openness, to keep feeling that sense of eternity and hope, even after entheogens have 'worn off'...to keep the feeling of a deep spiritual breakthrough in my heart always...and to trust that that feeling, those eyes are more than the person you experienced this through..to be not attached to that self-identity of mine which, in it's hallucination of separation, could feel so alone..

"Does GOD have a lover?"

..i think God's lover is a dancer, called Change..
if you can embrace her, things will change for you too..

again, wish you well jamie...

Truly inspiring dude. Especially the end of your statement about

through focus, through faith, through openness, to keep feeling that sense of eternity and hope, even after entheogens have 'worn off'...to keep the feeling of a deep spiritual breakthrough in my heart always...and to trust that that feeling, those eyes are more than the person you experienced this through

I've recently broken up with my GF of over 3 years. We've had so many deep experiences together. Sychs every single day. Something to behold, literally. After we broke up, and now that we've been several weeks apart, I can say with certainty that change is the only constant. I knew this before all this, and now it's rebuilding, slowly, but building up again nonetheless. Initially the pain sucked. For a good week i was barely eating, lot several pounds. I still feel an intesne lonliness, but not nearly as much as I used to.

Slowly, the current behind the eyelids reconfigures itself, much like a river not being impeded by much. If debris would get in the way, over time, it would wash away, leaving the river wide open once again. Hopefully you understand what im getting at, which im sure you do.

Another thing is to go do things you love. Do them alot. Acutely focus. Be absorbed in it is whatever you doing, full attention on whatever it may be that you like to do. You love boarding, go do that. Your great at art, so DO THAT. Go get lost in the forests. Purge that stuff. Release that energy into something worthwhile beside running in loops within your mind. The mind is a restless beast. Remember that. It can be tamed, but NOT chained down...that's the nature of it.

much love to ya buddy
tat

 

[Vodsel]

It gets better.

There's many twists and turns to come, the next might be around the corner anytime. But yet you have to stay in the present.

You're going through a tunnel, and there's at least one thing that remains up to you. That is learning, knowing yourself better, growing in the dark. Not only to get ready for the outside, but because that's what you have now to experience.

But it's hard because it hurts, and we try harder than ever to find a meaning. And meanings are nothing but maps we use. We really need a map when we're lost.

I don't know how to link it nicely to what I'm trying to express, but I was thinking of a story shared by Viktor Frankl, therapist and concentration field survivor. This old man goes to his office and tells him that since his wife died, he cannot find purpose or reason. He misses her too much, he doesn't know how to bear it. Frankl replies that by staying alive he has rescued her from suffering this very pain instead. Every day missing her is a day she doesn't have to miss him.

You know there's many among us here in the Nexus that would gladly drop by and have a beer or get our knees dirty helping with your plants. We share many things, and in a way or another, darkness and solitude is or has been or will be common to all.

 

[dreamer042]

Highly relevant post in the ContemporaryShaman blog that I just stumbled across:
The Path Of The Lone Wolf * Shamanism

 

[null24]

There's some people on earth,
they live in separate minds
But all the same, they are all the same.

We live in temples of mind
And share not a memory
But the love that you've been through
Is the sane as mine

There's a God in space
Who looked into his own eyes
And wondered "who am I"

There's a thousand miles
Between you and me
we are tied by our nature
To be one and the same

We are all alone
Our mother is cold
And our father is gone

And through our suffering
We are made to be strong
The sharpest blade
Has been beaten a thousand times

we live on sacred ground
And have fora million years
Now go build the temple secure in your mind

 

[DeDao]

Do something. It doesn't really matter what. Just something, that you normaly refrain from doing. Somthing where you have to jump over your shaddow (not really sure if this saying exists in english). Just a little thing, this day. Maybe another little thing tomorrow. You'll feel less trapped in yourself, and maybe you'll realize (and I mean really _realizing deep within yourself_, not just acknowledging) that it's you who is in charge of his fate anytime. Even RIGHT NOW IN THIS MOMENT. In every moment.

Thank you for this.

to jamie.

 

[tango]

Loneliness has been a steady companion throughout my life, and yet, in retrospect, I can see how I've been clinging like a koala to anything that could help me deny it. Following a series of catastrophic events, I was finally forced to accept that I am alone, with no safety net or guidance, and started building from there. It's difficult at times, but good things do happen along the way. Today I noticed that a portion of a scar I've always had, and which was intact a few days ago, is now gone.

 

[thymamai]

This world is a mockery, and serves well as prison for many of us here with rebellious nature. It is a joke to me to think that this were all there was, it just does not suffice, it is a scrap yard.

 

[Nathanial.Dread]

As another person who has been very lonely for a very long time, all I can offer you is the knowledge that you are not the only one going through these feelings.

 

[jamie]

 

[nexalizer]

it's not just that I am alone. It's that my heart is shattered. That, I dont know how to fix. It has left me feeling defeated, and just horribly sad. How do you just forget someone you planned to spend the rest of your life with? It feels impossible..isn't that the point..

Give it time. It's too recent and now it's overwhelming. Try not dwelling on it too much, though I know you will.

It's normal. I wish you didn't have to go through this experience, but this is the price to pay for truly loving. You gave it a shot and it didn't go well in the end. At least you dared! Many people won't ever experience the love, let alone the breakup.


It will be alright. Give it time! Sometimes life throws such things at us, sometimes we want to give up, but really, what options are there really? You don't strike me as the quitting type.

It's hard now, but things will be better. They will. Give it time.

Trust me, I know:thumb_up:

 

[jamie]

for the rest of the aliens out there.

 

[Elpo]

I came across this quote from Leonard Cohen yesterday and thought it might help you jamie:

"Only one thing made him happy and now that it was gone everything made him happy."

 

[tango]

"the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else" )

 

[dio]

Jamie are you a male or a female?

Everyone is your soul family. You are deeply connected to every single person. This is a beautiful thing I have learned from being a really good and proactive dancer. I go everywhere, I go to nightclubs, bars, raves, events, everywhere, and I just dance. I dance well enough people notice me, people remember. I am extremely expressive, controlled and uninhibited in how I dance, I carry no insecurity or shyness with it. Is it good or bad, I don't know, what it is, its full expressive and a genuine displaying of committed self evolution. It is a true expression of my soul and my full body all worked into movement. I show my soul to large groups of people at random places of all sorts probably 4 times a week. I keep this channel open, showing everyone my soul. Then people come to me. The most peculiar interactions possible. People who just want to pat me on the head, people who just want to know my name, people who want to try and dance with, people who think I know something. I get people from all over the place, people in their 20's to 50's, men, women initiating contact with me. Some ask me where I live, where I learned to dance, ask me to show them how to dance, some people want me to know about them, some people have psychological and spiritual issues which they confide in me with, and oddly I am somehow always perfectly able to help them, as though somehow they recognized in the full expression of my soul they could feel I knew what they needed to know. I encounter rich people, homeless people, bohemian artist types, people from suburbs in contained lives, psychedelic people, smart people, stupid people, professionals, strippers, prostitutes, circus performances, christians, atheists, muslims, everything, absolutely everything. They all come to me, and they look at me in my eye, and I see the same thing in their eye, another soul recognizing my soul, wanting to just say hello of "I see you, now see me", and absolute gratitude, and I see their soul, they readily show it to me. I have developed such a psychic intuition of reading peoples most deepest internal psychological workings from this. People can come up to me and talk to me for 5 minutes and I can completely reorient their mind if they let me, because they are my soul mate, everyone human has a soul and is your soul mate.

Sometimes I do this myself in times of distress, I just walk down the street, or I am at an event, and I tune into a person and I just walk up and ask them for advice on my most difficult internal issues. I open my energy and show them, they always respond with something relevant. I simply carry the vibe the of always showing my soul and recognizing other souls fully, I walk down the street of random strangers, anywhere, and my feeling is that of "I have so much support" as I know I can just walk up to anyone an ask them anything. I am not afraid to show anything of myself, I carry no privacy, and people are not afraid to drop their privacy for me as well. I know my weaknesses, I know my strengths, I know my perversions, I know my demons, and I know how to control, orient, and present all of myself to another soul for them to see, how to present my issues in a way to say "I am fully aware of these things, and you can see them to, they are me, since I am aware of them you need not be afraid of them". The greatest emotional support I've ever gotten is from random strangers. Every soul direly wants to see other souls, connect with every other soul, all of them are actively trying in some way. I think what you should be doing, is you should be going to random social events saying hello to people and sharing your emotional turmoil with them.

 

[112233]

I don't know if any of us are ever truly alone; of course we're not. It's impossible. We are made of the same atoms and molecules, condensed into the "solid" form we appear to have. But each of those atoms is lighter than air, and they all connect to one another to some degree or other.

And us, we freaks of the nexus, we have all taken this labyrinthian path, also to one degree or another, to seek our deeper truth; often we fuel this journey via the plant teachers. So we have all seen more of the universe than most people in this world, if I may be so bold to say (and I just did). But the more you see the more you realize how much is out there, and, consequently, the more "alone" one tends to feel. It's as if we've been dropped off on this planet, trying to blend in with our human space suits, but knowing none of us really does or ever completely will. We hunger for more, because we have seen more, but still remain largely cut off, our blinders firmly attached, the veil thinning, but still dense and thick like fog, like milk, sometimes like oil.

I see the shimmer of the rainbow upon the oil, and it reminds me of something.......something deeply buried yet always right on the surface.....a cellular memory trigger that says: we are not alone, can never be alone, and we will not be cut off forever. The rainbow floating on the blackest chunk of tar reminds me......of Home.

 

[Tranzcentral]

I came across this quote from Leonard Cohen yesterday and thought it might help you jamie:

"Only one thing made him happy and now that it was gone everything made him happy."

That is a great quote. My car was the only thing that made me happy awhile ago and for many years..

Now i just want it gone, and i know i'll be the happiest i've been in awhile, for it has been an anchor of sorts, so i'm very much looking forward to letting the old girl go..

Then i'll walk into my room, and just shake my head at all the material bullshit...except my glassware.:lol:

I can't wait to be rid of my laptop, phone, tv, car, etc, etc, sell it all, give some away, and leave this country behind for a long time...

I have that feeling of knowing i have over stayed my welcome so to speak, there is NOTHING here for me now. Its time to start the beginning of yet another lifetime.

Soon australia, i will be leaving, and i will not miss you in the slightest..

 

[jamie]

The day we met we spent the night on mushrooms together..and it was amazing.

I just spent the night on mushrooms together with myself. Alot of memories from that first night came up like flashbacks in that space..mushrooms are too cosmic.

and I thought a lot..cried a lot..laughed a lot..thought some more..

..and realized..

That is was beautiful. I could NEVER do all of that with someone who was not absolutly beautiful..and we are all beautiful..but she was soo beautiful to me, personally..and that time was beautiful and special for me personally. It was too cosmic..and that time was magickal. It will be forever imprinted onto my soul.

and maybe thats the point..just beautiful eras. It was a beautiful time and thats how I want to remember it, becasue anything else would be a lie. reguardless of how things end..things usually start in a really great way, like a flower blossoming in the starlight. Everything dies.

and it's my loss.

When someone leaves you, or something equally crappy happens people tend to say clever or inspirational things..but it's not always realistic..and it doesnt really inspire the kind of growth I admire. It really is my loss not her's..and that is okay. It is okay to just not be okay. She was done with me. I think people push to hard against this level of reality when they are in pain or mourning..

I really have no desire to just get under someone else. I dont need to repeat old cycles with the next person that comes along just becasue I cant deal with these energies that the cosmos calls up for me in life. If it happens it happens, but it has to be in flow..I dont feel like because I lose something I love, now I suddenly love everything as if what I had was a horrible burden, or some kind of sadistic obsession. It wasn't. It was beautiful. It was tragic. It was perfect through it's imperfections. Thats life. I am okay with that, even if I am not okay.

Honestly, I spent friday night playing kids games with my friends 4 year old daughter, and I was content. I probly needed to be there more than at some club or bar or rave. I forgot how innocent and beautifully naive children really are. They are creators of entire worlds that we cant even see. We should all be a little more like them again. Adults can get to be a little more than crazy.

Where we are going, noone knows for sure..but there sure as hell are such things as short cuts, and scenic routes. Love is most definatly, not a short cut. I wouldnt have it any other way.

 

[Doodazzle]

Well I have no advice and nothing inspirational to say. Damn, one of the most painful trips of my life was a solo mushroom trip right after a woman I loved left me. It was no-one's loss though, it was best she left. Just sucked that after 7 years of living together she robs me blind and leaves with no warning. And worse, but this is your thread--and I'm long over it She was a vancouver chick too! Certainly not the one you're missing though.

Actually here's one piece of advice--do not listen to the full album First Utterance, by Comus, when you are shrooming hard and heart broken. Some gut-wrenching dark dark stuff on that album. What the hell was I thinking?

 

[dio]

The day we met we spent the night on mushrooms together..and it was amazing.

I just spent the night on mushrooms together with myself. Alot of memories from that first night came up like flashbacks in that space..mushrooms are too cosmic.

and I thought a lot..cried a lot..laughed a lot..thought some more..

..and realized..

That is was beautiful. I could NEVER do all of that with someone who was not absolutly beautiful..and we are all beautiful..but she was soo beautiful to me, personally..and that time was beautiful and special for me personally. It was too cosmic..and that time was magickal. It will be forever imprinted onto my soul.

and maybe thats the point..just beautiful eras. It was a beautiful time and thats how I want to remember it, becasue anything else would be a lie. reguardless of how things end..things usually start in a really great way, like a flower blossoming in the starlight. Everything dies.

and it's my loss.

When someone leaves you, or something equally crappy happens people tend to say clever or inspirational things..but it's not always realistic..and it doesnt really inspire the kind of growth I admire. It really is my loss not her's..and that is okay. It is okay to just not be okay. She was done with me. I think people push to hard against this level of reality when they are in pain or mourning..

I really have no desire to just get under someone else. I dont need to repeat old cycles with the next person that comes along just becasue I cant deal with these energies that the cosmos calls up for me in life. If it happens it happens, but it has to be in flow..I dont feel like because I lose something I love, now I suddenly love everything as if what I had was a horrible burden, or some kind of sadistic obsession. It wasn't. It was beautiful. It was tragic. It was perfect through it's imperfections. Thats life. I am okay with that, even if I am not okay.

Honestly, I spent friday night playing kids games with my friends 4 year old daughter, and I was content. I probly needed to be there more than at some club or bar or rave. I forgot how innocent and beautifully naive children really are. They are creators of entire worlds that we cant even see. We should all be a little more like them again. Adults can get to be a little more than crazy.

Where we are going, noone knows for sure..but there sure as hell are such things as short cuts, and scenic routes. Love is most definatly, not a short cut. I wouldnt have it any other way.

You know I met a girl like 4 months ago now. And we spent like a month and a half together and I was so so in love with this girl. She had everything I thought I needed for like a long term till we die relationship. I was thinking she was going to be my wife in just a few weeks. Then after a month and a half she left me to go with another guy. And I always though, maybe if I pushed harder it would have worked. Maybe if we had MDMA or mushrooms and bonded deeper it would work. But in a way, feeling your story and thinking about it, I am kind of glad we didn't have MDMA or mushrooms and supercharge our connection in that way, as it maybe would of allowed us to stay together quicker, but if its not there without the psychedelics to connect, it's not permanently there. If we had mushrooms and MDMA we may have stayed together longer, I may have got more connected, committed, but she would of eventually left as mushrooms and MDMA could not of birthed that in us if it wasn't there. So in a way I'm glad I never had psychedelics with her and it was so short, otherwise my turmoil would of been so much more intense.

Thats not really about you, its about me, but I felt like saying it based on what you made me feel.

 

[DreaMTripper]

You are clearly a deeply empathetic and enlightened thoughtful individual Jamie Im not surprised you feel alone among such a world of sheeple. A world created by the greedy powerhungry slavelords.
With that brings an equal depth of pain.

You are in mourning at the moment, mourning the you that died, the you that was alive because of your deep connection with your ex girl and the comfort of sharing time and space with a kindred soul to speak. Part of her was you and part of you was her.

From this another you can be born, an even wiser you, a new path has appeared, multiple new paths have appeared and now there is another universe that can be created and it is up to you to shape this in a positive manner and learn from your experiences and grow into the next carnation.
Eventually the pain will subside and you will be left with the warm memories of your time together that will make you smile and you will realise things that you cant see now and how they shaped your path.
You dont have to throw yourself into the tryptamine abyss and challenge the universe and become overly aware of the depths of your pain and the universes pain along with it. Go easy on yourself let the new you emerge without a trypytamine fog.
Im a believer of going back to basics in such times of personal anguish; food, sleep, water and exercise and time among nature. Nurturing the inner monkey, higher self isnt healthy without a healthy inner monkey. Striving for simplicity rather than complexity is sometimes better.
I read you love boarding? No better place to blow away the cobwebs than carving down a beautiful mountain listening to the fresh cold air rush past your ears!