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being all alone.
- Thread starter jamie
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MomentOfTruth
Astro-Travellin
Well this thread had me tearing up pretty instantly. And on throughout! I can feel the depth/sincerity/love behind your every word.
Jamie, I am right there with you buddy. Just turned 30 in November btw. It appears we are Cosm-anomalous Bastard Brethren, along with many of our fellow nexians!
I yearn so badly for the type of love that you describe. Everytime that I think I've got it, SURPRISE! I get kicked right in the soul jewels. I know what you mean about not knowing whether to laugh or cry. I joke about my new philosophy of Coinci-Transcendentalism... which describes the series of meaningful/meaningless/horrifying coincidences that has led to my continuing existence and suffering. It is certainly comedic to an extent, but the depth of my solitude is unimaginable to most. It is soul crushing at times. I find solace in creating music and good vibes. I find solace in the types of exploration that us Nexians have come to love/understand. The sacrament!
Once you feel that divine love and joy, it is extremely hard to take romantic love seriously. I often find myself wondering if "Love" as we perceive it in this reality is nothing more than a chemical imbalance. A neural oscillation. A quantum dance of synapses firing. There are drugs that create the same illusion.
Don't let this bleak proposal make you think that I don't beleive that true love can exist. It just seems like it is so far out of reach for a repressed weirdo like myself. A quantum mystic misfit for lack of better words. I'm horribly alone, all the time, with NO ONE to relate to on a fundamental level. It is highly depressing.
I want to move to the jungle, or at the very least escape america. The endless abyss of solitude, debt, slavery, corruption and GREED make me a sick person. A person who wants to lash out and burn this MFer to the ground. But I digress. Lets go build some earthships somewhere extremely remote and start a new civilization.
My favorite thing to tell people is "Stop trying to dam up the stream of consciousness".
It seems to me that the more that I attempt to impose my own personal will and desire on the flow of infinity, the more I suffer. I can find a way to apply this philosophy to any situation, including our mutual despair. Take it for what it is, but don't let it ruin you!
Jamie, I am right there with you buddy. Just turned 30 in November btw. It appears we are Cosm-anomalous Bastard Brethren, along with many of our fellow nexians!
I yearn so badly for the type of love that you describe. Everytime that I think I've got it, SURPRISE! I get kicked right in the soul jewels. I know what you mean about not knowing whether to laugh or cry. I joke about my new philosophy of Coinci-Transcendentalism... which describes the series of meaningful/meaningless/horrifying coincidences that has led to my continuing existence and suffering. It is certainly comedic to an extent, but the depth of my solitude is unimaginable to most. It is soul crushing at times. I find solace in creating music and good vibes. I find solace in the types of exploration that us Nexians have come to love/understand. The sacrament!
Once you feel that divine love and joy, it is extremely hard to take romantic love seriously. I often find myself wondering if "Love" as we perceive it in this reality is nothing more than a chemical imbalance. A neural oscillation. A quantum dance of synapses firing. There are drugs that create the same illusion.
Don't let this bleak proposal make you think that I don't beleive that true love can exist. It just seems like it is so far out of reach for a repressed weirdo like myself. A quantum mystic misfit for lack of better words. I'm horribly alone, all the time, with NO ONE to relate to on a fundamental level. It is highly depressing.
I want to move to the jungle, or at the very least escape america. The endless abyss of solitude, debt, slavery, corruption and GREED make me a sick person. A person who wants to lash out and burn this MFer to the ground. But I digress. Lets go build some earthships somewhere extremely remote and start a new civilization.
My favorite thing to tell people is "Stop trying to dam up the stream of consciousness".
It seems to me that the more that I attempt to impose my own personal will and desire on the flow of infinity, the more I suffer. I can find a way to apply this philosophy to any situation, including our mutual despair. Take it for what it is, but don't let it ruin you!
Tranzcentral
Rising Star
You know after reading this thread, i thought i'm going to turn being alone into something positive.
I haven't smoked pot in 3 days now, and i know those 3 days can be the hardest, so i'm feeling so much better now.
I have no one holding me back, no friends, no family, no one.
There is no reason for me to hesitate. Australia has become a drain, and i've come to realise i'm living in one of the most backward country's on earth.
My car is now on the market, i'm moving house, once i'm relocated, i will sell everything i own and leave this isolated island behind and will never look back.
I've had enough of being alone and feeling sorry for myself. You know how boring it is being high all by yourself? Walking down to my local Macca's and just sitting there reading a damn newspaper at midnight for being too high to sleep, going to sleep at 3am, not eating well, skipping meals, not talking to anyone. I felt dead inside and suicide has always been so tempting...but ending my life over being alone is such a pathetic excuse.
In the end, i've come to realise no one can change my situation but me.
So i know what i have to do. Life is too short to be alone. I dont care if i dont find love again, of course it will be something so greatly missed, but there has to be something else, and i hope i find it whatever it is..
I haven't smoked pot in 3 days now, and i know those 3 days can be the hardest, so i'm feeling so much better now.
I have no one holding me back, no friends, no family, no one.
There is no reason for me to hesitate. Australia has become a drain, and i've come to realise i'm living in one of the most backward country's on earth.
My car is now on the market, i'm moving house, once i'm relocated, i will sell everything i own and leave this isolated island behind and will never look back.
I've had enough of being alone and feeling sorry for myself. You know how boring it is being high all by yourself? Walking down to my local Macca's and just sitting there reading a damn newspaper at midnight for being too high to sleep, going to sleep at 3am, not eating well, skipping meals, not talking to anyone. I felt dead inside and suicide has always been so tempting...but ending my life over being alone is such a pathetic excuse.
In the end, i've come to realise no one can change my situation but me.
So i know what i have to do. Life is too short to be alone. I dont care if i dont find love again, of course it will be something so greatly missed, but there has to be something else, and i hope i find it whatever it is..
Jamie,
I think I can relate to what you're going through, though obviously every individual situation is different. I know that none of these typical phrases like "time will heal you" will make any difference to your sorrow or brokenness. And really, it's not up to us to change that. It is what it is and you feel what you need to feel. Having someone leave you hurts, having a future you imagined for yourself destroyed or annihilated hurts. You can no longer be the same person you were before because the dynamics of your world have changed.
Perhaps it's not about getting better or getting back on track or whatever. Perhaps you are always on track and this is it. We move forwards on our paths because that's the only thing we can do. Change comes and tears our worlds apart and we move forwards through the splinters and embers and ashes and change comes again and we continue to move forwards through whatever. Sorrow, joy, pain, euphoria, they are all part of this path, passing as we move on. I learned for myself that it's no good to fight any of it, even the worst of these feelings - it just perpetuates and magnifies things unnecessarily. Sadness, loneliness, hurtness is part of what you are now, part of what I am as well, even though the wounds inflicted in my case are long gone.
I'm sure you know all this. I'm sure you are on your way, even if it's not where you expected to be going. In the end I feel, we really have no choice and no power over where the universe flings us - it is far more powerful than we are. All we can do is make the best of what we are presented with - be it joy or sorrow. I trust you know how to, my friend.
peace & love
I think I can relate to what you're going through, though obviously every individual situation is different. I know that none of these typical phrases like "time will heal you" will make any difference to your sorrow or brokenness. And really, it's not up to us to change that. It is what it is and you feel what you need to feel. Having someone leave you hurts, having a future you imagined for yourself destroyed or annihilated hurts. You can no longer be the same person you were before because the dynamics of your world have changed.
Perhaps it's not about getting better or getting back on track or whatever. Perhaps you are always on track and this is it. We move forwards on our paths because that's the only thing we can do. Change comes and tears our worlds apart and we move forwards through the splinters and embers and ashes and change comes again and we continue to move forwards through whatever. Sorrow, joy, pain, euphoria, they are all part of this path, passing as we move on. I learned for myself that it's no good to fight any of it, even the worst of these feelings - it just perpetuates and magnifies things unnecessarily. Sadness, loneliness, hurtness is part of what you are now, part of what I am as well, even though the wounds inflicted in my case are long gone.
I'm sure you know all this. I'm sure you are on your way, even if it's not where you expected to be going. In the end I feel, we really have no choice and no power over where the universe flings us - it is far more powerful than we are. All we can do is make the best of what we are presented with - be it joy or sorrow. I trust you know how to, my friend.
peace & love
Enoon said:
This is what ive come to adopt over the past year, and especially at this point. Well said..well said.
Keep on keepin on jamie.
tat
honestly..I feel like I dont have the time or energy to worry about where my life is at anymore. Im not sure I even care. Im working 40+ hours a week on a farm, and then going to school after work..pushing like 15 hour days somedays..I wake up to go work at 6am and come home from school at 10pm.
All I care about is that I am going to be where I always wanted to be sooner than later. I will make more money to just go garden, I wont ever have to work a stupid job I dont like EVER again..I wont have to struggle trying to find some way to make money selling art or w/e else I can come up with..I will wake up, go outside and make gardens, and then come home.
All I care about is that I am going to be where I always wanted to be sooner than later. I will make more money to just go garden, I wont ever have to work a stupid job I dont like EVER again..I wont have to struggle trying to find some way to make money selling art or w/e else I can come up with..I will wake up, go outside and make gardens, and then come home.
jamie said:
Yeah, no sense in worrying about 'whats to come' or even worse-so 'dwelling on what could've/should've/would've'.
Everything you said here..sounds like a good plan imo. You could always be one of the typical 9-5 desk job, or doing something not soo desirable.
As long as your happy.
tat
DreaMTripper
Rising Star
jamie said:
Sounds like a good plan to me! Take care of the present and the future will take care of itself.
That's great news Jamie, having a job you enjoy doing and that gets you by is worth a lot. Even the days where things are rough are still better than any day working in a place you dislike. I've had the chance to experience both, so at least for myself I know this is true. In my case I make less money now than I did before, a lot less, but I really like what I do so I have never regretted my choices concerning this.
Good luck to you. Your schedule sounds nice, though you will need some serious rest at some point. Take care of yourself.
Good luck to you. Your schedule sounds nice, though you will need some serious rest at some point. Take care of yourself.
Regarding the work/school situation...
It's hard to buckle down and spend a year or so working harder and longer than you ever thought you could... but afterwords, you are a better person for pushing yourself through it. One way you could think of it is that you are pushing the upper boundary of what you are capable of and finding that you are stronger than you previously thought. In schooling (and probably farming also) it's important to frequently ask yourself "how could I be doing this more efficiently?" and "am I using all of the resources available to me?". Striving to improve your techniques will make it all seem more interesting.
You probably know all this already, but it's the only advice I can offer regarding the workload.
Good luck.
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