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Confessions of a Spice Junkie

Migrated topic.

Bill Cipher

Rising Star
OG Pioneer
Artist
Okay, apologies up front for what may be a long one. I don’t expect anyone to actually read this or relate to it should they choose to, but I’m laying it down simply because this is something I need to get out, and my hope is that by doing so I can find a bit of clarity. I’ll dispense with the SWIMs and the FOAFs and the SWIYs for the remainder of my post, with the understanding that everything following is all just lies and nonsense…

Anyway:

I’ve been a member of this fraternity now for only a few short months, and in that time I don’t believe there’s been a single waking moment I’ve spent not thinking about DMT. I’ve done it a great deal - sometimes in bliss, sometimes in terror – and despite my ever-fluctuating ability to surrender to the experience, I’ve continued to use it steadily. I’ve felt at times profoundly enlightened and at times a bit insane. I’ve had the urge to stop strangers on the street – to grab them, shake them, make them understand (though I haven’t actually done so), yet I’ve kept it completely hidden from the person I’ve chosen to spend my life with. I come here to try and make sense of it all - as hooked on the endless processing of the experience as on the experience itself, reading and typing, typing and reading, and never getting a whole lot closer to achieving much understanding. All I can say with any certainty is this thing I’ve found (that we all have found), this place I go (that we all seem to go) defies all attempts at decoding. It’s beyond logic or reason or the ability to interpret – less a drug than a personal rocket ship. It runs deeper than sex, deeper than love, deeper than human contact. I love it and fear it with equal ferocity, and I’ve been, in a sense, re-wired by it. And in moments of complete and utter self-honesty, I just don’t know if it’s good for me.

Now, this is where I’m sure I lose just about everyone here, but understand that I make no judgments about DMT in general. I’m talking only about my experience, my ability (or lack thereof) to use this tool responsibly. I think, like many things in life, this substance can help or harm, and I believe when used “correctly”, it can open one’s mind tremendously. My tendency (like many here) is to deify it in fact, to hold it up as holy sacrament, as a doorway to the collective. But whether it’s my set and setting, my personal history, or both, I’m getting the message loud and clear, over and over again, that what I’m doing just isn’t okay. So, for now at least, I must stop.

Like plenty of others who gather here, I’ve struggled with addiction. This discovery came as no surprise (that others like me would be drawn to this thing), but what did surprise me (and continues to do so) is that so many appear (or make the claim, anyway) to have reconciled with these issues. I’ve stated before in other forums that I was having a similar experience – that I found it impossible to approach this abusively - that it was just too big, too weird and provocative, too potentially punishing to do so - but I can no longer say this is accurate (for me). My truth, it would seem, appears to be much as it’s been for most of my life: If it gets me high, I will fuck it up. So it’s been and so it remains…

Until last summer I’d been clean and sober a little over 12 years. The details of my history aren’t so important or unique in any way, but suffice it to say I’ve never much had the knack for moderation. I’d used psychedelics along the way - never responsibly, and certainly never in a seeking or spiritual manner – but my preference was always to get unconscious, as quickly and efficiently as possible. I get clean at 30 (with a great deal of effort and diligent, ongoing work – in therapy, after a number of rehabs, in 12-step programs, etc.) and I see my life improve a great deal - slowly and gradually over time. I do many things, have lots of experiences previously inaccessible to me – get fit and healthy, travel the world, fall in love and get married, build a career, have a beautiful kid, etc., etc., etc. - the whole thing normal, healthy people tend to do with their lives. I’m happy (in my own restless fashion), but increasingly curious as to whether or not I could do it all differently now - meaning get high and still have a life. I’m older, I’m wiser, I’ve come to think of myself as a searcher and student, more curious than cautious by nature perhaps, but grounded in ways I just wasn’t before - so I wonder if there are previously untested elixirs out there I can use for growth and for fun, without bridging the gap back to booze and smack and fucking my life up entirely.

Cut to last summer - the opportunity presents itself and I take it. Wife and kid leave town for a week, and I give in to temptation and get high - nothing overly dramatic, mind you - I smoke weed and salvia extract - and when they return, I do shut it down (and feel pretty much okay about it). I feel no need to continue with the salvia (though the experience is certainly compelling in a jarring, dissociative kind of way), and no desire to keep smoking pot (though it’s changed quite a bit in my absence). Months go by, and perhaps emboldened by not having blown up my life, I begin researching DMT. I read Strassman’s book, D.M. Turner’s, spend a lot of time here and on Erowid, gathering information as we do and becoming increasingly fascinated, but figure an extraction just isn’t in the cards, impossible as it is for me to share ANY of this with my wife. In time, though, I search out the one friend I have who I’m comfortable approaching with such a caper. Turns out he’s 100% on board, so together we take the leap…

So, here I am now with something close to 100 rides under my belt, IN LOVE with this thing, but using it in a distinctly sketchy manner – keeping it hidden away in the house, smoking it almost exclusively in conjunction with sublingual THH (which definitely increases the potential for abuse, in my humble opinion), in the dark after wife and kid have finally gone to bed, usually repeatedly for a couple of hours and often in front of the TV. I’m using it less like holy sacrament than I am some kind of space crack, and my usage of it (not the drug itself - and this is an important distinction) is starting to fuck me up. I’m feeling increasingly alienated from my real world surroundings, watching the monkey masses incessantly thumbing away at their fucking Blackberries (of which I’m admittedly a member) while teetering on the edge of financial ruin (as a result of nothing to do with spice and everything to do with the global economy), in full-blown crisis in my marriage (again, not the spice, but I can’t really say that my weird obsession is helping), constantly aware of and preoccupied with this impossible space between spaces, unable to share it with anyone but my one lone compadre (who’s circumstances are very different than mine), and compelled to ride this out to whatever fucked up conclusion awaits.

The irony is that I feel less inclined towards other substances as a result, and I’m functioning at as high a level as I’ve been at anytime - so my intention here certainly isn’t to demonize DMT - I just question whether or not I have the ability to use it appropriately. There’s an article somewhere on the site in which Nick Sands uses the word “psychedelics” in conversation. The person he’s speaking to takes offence, preferring the term “entheogens”, and Sands replies that they're only such if and when they're used sacramentally. Otherwise they're just psychedelics, or even just… drugs. I don’t know whether any substance can ever be anything more to me, and it saddens me to have to admit this, but therein lies my dilemma. Because stakes are high with a kid involved, and my actions are blatantly selfish - and I can read the Tibetan Book of the Dead and ponder the mysteries of the universe, but there’s just no way I can make the claim that what I’m doing is spiritual. My biggest job is to raise my kid, to lay the groundwork for her happiness - and I find myself asking the question lately if this is such a valuable experience, would I want her to have it… and the answer is no - absolutely not. Call me a hypocrite (and I am one, I know...), but my hope is that she’ll be happy enough - both in her skin and this world - that she won't feel the need to go there.

So, the time has come for me to stop – whether temporarily or for good I’ll figure out as I go. Once again, my intention here is not to disparage the spice - I’m an ENORMOUS fan, and if not for all of my guilt and shame and weighty fucked up issues, I’d be proud to be its poster boy. My hope is that if and when I decide to give this another try, I can do so without ambivalence, without this awful shit creeping in and terrorizing my travels. I’ll be making an effort to stay away from the boards as well for awhile. Perhaps I’ll take up basket weaving, or get around to filing my tax return.

For all those I may have offended with my cranky posts and my sarcasm, I apologize. To my main man, Antrocles, you’re a real friend. It’s been an honor spelunking along side of you.
 
It's been wonderful having you around Art. I do definitely understand. I have to admit that the "freebase" taste and smell of this stuff has led me more than once to smoke it for other than the most altruistic motives. Good luck and I do hope to read your posts again if and when you feel that you can be here without it being a detriment to you personally.
Take care,
memo
 
Wow. What a post.


I congratulate you for recognizing the problem and doing something about it. Because you are doing that you are respecting not only yourself, but the spice as well.

Anyone CAN abuse ANYTHING that gives pleasure. Spice is not exempt.

I hope you stick around the forum!
 
Thanks for such authentic testimony !
It's now almost 2 years that SWIM started to smoke DMT. He went thru many states, thoughts, hypothesis, states... and he is still totally clueless about the mystery of that experience.
However, at this date, SWIM think that he 'learned' one thing from his DMT trips :

- DMT do not give any 'answer' ! (but that's a kind of answer for people like SWIM who are so much mind-oriented.)
DMT takes what it's there and push it up for a short while, and there is probably a price fo that (I would guess a serotonine unbalance)

Good luck to you Art, enjoy life, this is the most wonderfull trip.
 
It sounds like you know what best for you at this point in your life. Gotta follow your heart.

Best of luck to you Art! Great screenname by the way...
 
proud to call you friend. proud that you are taking such MAJOR UN-JUNKIE-LIKE actions to sort things out... i can never thank you enough for bringing this righteous sacrament into my (our) life. we both have learned and grown TREMENDOUSLY from it all (file under: NO SHIT!). you are very right- my circumstances are very different than yours ..and because of that fact, we simply are being taught equally profound lessons in different ways. i am, as always, here for you as a friend and stand completely for your growth and happiness. from boxing in the front yard to watching you prepare to scale aconcagua to slapping on gloves and goggles on our very first extraction....it's always been about self-knowledge. i've said it before many times on this site and i'll say it again- DMT is a mirror. plain and simple. a mirror that reflects ALL FACETS of you.

after a time spent gazing into that mirror you just noticed that you've put on a few pounds -metaphor of course ;) - so go take a hiatus and get back in fighting shape. you may find that you either once again have the confidence to behold your own reflection....OR.....you no longer feel the need to even look... either way, the spice has given you a gift.

....and your VG is safe with me while you figure it all out ... ;)


LOVE AND GRATITUDE MY BROTHER!!
 
Yes, wow. Thanks for sharing.

Could relate to allot of what you mentioned and respect such discipline in the face of losing/missing something you, like I, most definitely love. You've completed DMT school, go take a brake for as long as needed, then come back and start studying for university and ultimately your thesis - even though its stopping doesn't mean its ended.

"I’ve had the urge to stop strangers on the street – to grab them, shake them, make them understand" - thought that was fucking hilarious!

Just remember, even though you won't be literally taking DMT you'll still be on DMT every night - remember those dreams!
 
I applaud your bravery and courage in facing this issue, however I would like to point a few things out.

Your marriage would be better if you trusted your wife and let her in. If you can not, the problem is you. You chose a wife poorly. Sorry to say it, but a wife should know you, know your desires and support you through whatever difficulties it maybe bring. If you have to lie(by not telling her) you are hurting her. Trust is the foundation of any marriage or relationship. When trust is gone, the relationship is gone.


As for your child, I understand not wanting your child to witness at a young age what you are doing or experiencing DMT, but you would honestly let anyone you love wear blinders for their lives knowing and feeling what DMT shows you? The whole world should have one good experience. Again I am not saying you should go and give a 9 yr old some spice, but when the time is right, a guided hand is what a child needs. When I was 16 my father told me, and I did not understand what he meant by shattering the veil we create. As infants we learn boundaries, restrictions and psycodelics melts away those boundaries to show us what life truly is.

I too watch the sheep around me daily, the unenlightened idiots that cling to outdated morals and rules and I pity them. I too wish to shake them and tell them to realize that its all a ride(thank you bill hicks -rip).

If I couldn't tell the ones I love how I feel about DMT, I would go crazy. I think this is your situation. I wish you luck. Repair your life, then speak to the elves again. They will welcome you back, no matter how long you stay away. (at least that is what I hear)
 
very honest post art, good for you to get it out for sure.

two things I would like to say/ask: you mention smoking it and thh, but what about ingesting it orally? I would say that orally, this substance tends to (at least SWIM and some others) bring more teachings and have a lesser potential of abuse.

the other thing, about your failing marriage: before doing anything, first try to be completely honest.. Make a list of all the things that bother you or that you would like to change, tell her.. be open for her telling you her list also.. See if it can be worked out, try, but dont just let it fall down without a last attempt to make things good


and feel free to share anything else you want, nobody is here to judge you, we're all together :)
 
The experience is so mindblowing... and yet... its just as puzzling as it is amazing. It left me with 100x more questions than what I started off with.

I know an artist who is trying to transfer that experience into his art... and it is frustrating because it is so difficult to translate that experience into another medium.

I have had this feeling before... with a lot of projects that I start... I have a ton of hope and energy.... and by the time I really get into it and start realizing the difficulties of the task and the hard work that needs to go behind it.... I just lose that energy and hope. It takes a lot of blood and sweat. Learning languages, designing electronics, fixing up my townhome, and maintaining a failing relationship to name a few....

One of the things I am asking myself is, what is the application of this thing that we have all discovered. What the hell do we do with it? I have been showing it to other people but they are just as clueless. What is its purpose? What is this place? is it filling the same void in me that religion fills for others? I don't know. Why is this experience even here?

I seek it primarily for spiritual reasons and that is what I find. I know an artist who finds inspiration in the experience and a playwright who finds inspiration for his movies in it. Is it a mirror into multifaceted aspects of ourselves?

All of us here are on a journey of self discovery. It might be one of the most important things that has ever crossed my path. Its mystery runs as deep as my mind could ever contemplate... it goes as deep as life itself, and that mystery will remain with every generation hereafter. Frustrating.
 
I respect your decisions...it sounds like your listening to yourself. but may i say your problems from dmt i think come from your keeping it from your wife. by having to dissociate with ppl to do what you find to be most amazing is making you feel that the dmt is dissociating you. also tho...it should not be done bc your bored or for a cosmic joyride. this is sumthing im sure we all deal with in maybe a more secretive manner.
 
Dude don't keep ANYTHING from your wife... ANYTHING! Especially something as philosophically huge as entheogens.

If you explain everything to her and she still has a problem with them, then well (sorry to say it) she isn't too bright (or she has been sufficiently brain-washed her whole life, which is a form of ignorance in it's self).
 
Good luck Art, well done for taking a break, it's the right thing to do to break a habit, when devoting too much time to ANYthing.

I had to delete all the entheogen websites from my browser toolbar to restrict myself. Nexus included. I was getting too obsessed with plant knowledge. I have to google search to get on now, and the extra hassle resticts my use a little.
If you rediscover DMT again another time, maybe try locking it in a little box, then a bigger box, and distributing the keys in different places. Then there will be a big long ceremony of unlocking before you can get to it. That might both make it more of an occasion (especially if the boxes are ornately mystical), make you less inclined to do so, and give you time to reconsider while going through the process.
Or maybe you've learnt all you needed from DMT already and it's time for a new chapter of growth :)
 
man... sorry to speak to you in a different tone then every one else... but after 7 years in mental health and working with people with substance abuse problems... ive got to say... you dont have a problem with the spice... you have a problem with being selfish... and what you have discovered is that your a powerful person more powerful then the spice... even. you have the ability to maintain your selfishness even in the face of a substance that dissolves the ego! thats amazing... i dont know if you realize it or not... but your amazing... more amazing then the experiences you get with the spice... but your right in feeling like a smuck because your that too... we all are... nothing special about that... the trick is bro is to get over that and get over your self and start putting others first... if your fucking motivation for taking the spice was to benifit others and not your own selfish intrest it really wouldnt be an issue would it?
you want to stop doing it alturisticly? really? sounds like just another selfish motive really... if you really want to change these patterns start doing for others and not your self any more. its just going to be somthing else... work... sex... religion... rationality...lol... materialism...
what ever...
COMMIT your self to alturism and stop making excuses... jesus...
 
Thank you everyone for the replies. They're (almost) all appreciated. I'll reply to a few questions/comments, then I think I'll call it a day:

1) I'm very much aware that my biggest source of ambivalence here is my secrecy. Hiding this from my wife is not something I'm proud of in the least, but I did what I did and I make no excuses. It's scumbag behavior, I know. As I may have mentioned above in my post, I'm not always so good with the drugs. I've paid the price for the whole dynamic with more than a few tainted spice rides.

2) My wife is about as smart a person as anyone I know, but this just isn't something she'd tolerate - it's 100% a deal breaker. This doesn't make her ignorant or close minded in any way. Some find enlightenment through chemicals, others through alternate means. Being evolved isn't necessarily something that comes with hitting a base pipe, and my wife's being hip to psychedelics isn't a necessity of our relationship. It's complicated and tenuous enough without throwing that into the mix. We're going through a difficult time. I'm hopeful we'll work it out.

3) No, I wouldn't want my kid to do this - it just isn't what I'd choose for her. Is it really necessary for me to defend this? When she grows up, she'll find her own way and can make the decision for herself. 'Nuff said.

4) LLB - Hard to get whatever your point is, as you write like you're functionally retarded, but I think I get the overall gist - I don't measure up to your standards of selflessness, don’t smoke the spice for all the right reasons, blah blah blah blah blah. I've read a few of your other posts and this seems to be your whole thing - you're the shoeless ramen eating martyr guy, saving the world because no one else cares. Good for you pal, but here's the thing… If you want to devote yourself to a life of service to other people, then more power to you - I think that's great. If, however, you constantly call attention to your deeds and perform them in order to hold yourself in moral superiority, well then... you're really just an asshole, aren’t you? In any case, you don't know me from adam, fuckwad. Learn to spell, then we'll talk. You think I'm selfish? Guess what, you dick? I said the same up front. Excuses? Fuck you. I make no excuses, you half-assed Ram Dass wannabee, and I sure as hell don’t need to measure up to your shitty judgemental standards.

Anyway, thanks to the rest. It's been a gas. I Think I’ll take that break now.
 
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