Impulse Experiences: Ongoing Compilation

[Voidmatrix]

I knew I was going to smoalk changa specifically for my birthday. The question though was when, and it ended up occurring on a bit of, let's say, an impulse.

Mood could be better. Stuff came up. I'm pretty bitter about it. A concern is always ruminations on certain events and things and people. But I approached this in the spirit of wanting to get right, I figured why not hit the packed changa bowl, and then do a flow.

The flow didn't happen. Well it was there, but generally, I was in child's pose for most of. It was an unexpected depth that I had an inkling about after taking the hit. I'm getting used to this new pipe, so the kick in the back of the throat can be a sign of how much I had taken in as I am used to interpreting with other devices or it could be the shorter and more narrow chamber of the new pipe.

Moving into child's pose, a flower, in the center of my visual field, somewhat faint, but clearly present, unfurled and blossoming before more. I enter the center and find myself in a room. Fluxing moving, alive, ya know the usual, with an entity dipping into something that kind of looked like a plant hanger... weirdos.

I spent most of my time directing my attention to where I wanted it to be, ie, not on the stuff that I am ruminating on. I reflected on this past year and how I'd like to make next year different and more in line with my preferences. I also soaked up the solidity that I showed being in the space, and how this has been a trend lately. There was definitely some fear, but there was no doubt. And in some ways it wasn't easy, but it was enjoyable even in the parts that weren't easy. If I don't say it, then I will likely look back on the experience, like I do with many others, and remember the negative readily. There was less worry, less compunction, and some definite nausea.

I had drank a protein shake not long before and didn't want to give up the nourishment. I feel like the experience simply moved the purge to my eyes, as I began crying while laying on my side on the yoga mat.

I was so aligned and attuned. Having my agency of choice, necessarily, while going with the flow...

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

I convinced the bossman to start using the APX Volt with the bubbler attachment for clients at the center. As such, I figured I should play around with it a bit.

Yesterday, I did 10mg. I noticed it was kinda spicy, ya know, like some of it was burned. This got me thinking, is the highest setting actually too high even though that is what is often recommended? So I lowered it to the second hottest setting and waited several hours before trying again.

10mg the first time vs the second time were two vastly different experiences, with the first being barely visual (it wasn't really) and the second one being visual enough for an entity to poke its head out at me.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

>10mg

My scale was being finicky this morning when I prepared this dose, saying it was only 4mg, when I am confident it was more. In the spirit of making things easy, I figured I'd just keep it there and see what happens.

After having a nice long talk with my best friend, I went for it, feeling calm and relaxed because it was less than 10mg... I got to see, yet again, the amount of trauma response is inherent to these experiences for me.

For the first part, I just laid with my fear. There wasn't anything in particular I was fearful of, such leaping flames of thought couched as worry and anxiety and fear. This dissipated slightly when I realized I wasn't enjoying myself. That's because I am working on that.

I have a feeling, that with the proper device, I can be good and deep at 15mg. We'll see.

One love

 

[northape]

 

[Voidmatrix]

All of you are trouble makers and that's why this thread exists.

So, I don't want to give too much away because someone has something in the works for the community. But, I was talking with someone in PM's and the topic and reply geared me up to smoalk some changa and stare at amethyst after.

As a reflection on my current inner work and pursuits, I have been so much more chill approaching the medicine and the space. There's still some anxieties and trepidation, but it is largely mitigated by the aforementioned work. For example, without realizing it, when things get intense, I somewhat abandon myself, and that is a vestige of childhood and trauma. I am reparenting myself from the developmental point at which I was hindered and stalled. It's a lot, and I don't feel like sharing too much about it right now, as it is something I am still making sense of and part of me feels tired of talking about it, which requires reflection in order to discern whether I actually feel that way or if it is a permutation of an adaptation from trauma and being silenced and having to disappear in my youth.

Anyways, I opened the space, grabbed the pipe, burped a little bit of hamburger and sweet potatoes, had my dog next to me, and took one hit. Nothing big. Nothing special. When I opened my eyes, I was tapped it immediately... While gazing and having that process morph and unfold, I was reflecting on my stalled expression and had an intuition to hum. This increased the intensity of the experience with the crystal, and then led to a somatic discharge accompanied by glossolalia, and then a further increase once I decided to hum with my mouth open and focus my attention on my throat space. It brought a lot of clarity, and is something to take note of. I tend to get in my feels about interacting with the medicine more than once in a day, as well as redosing. This was my second round of the day, and all is well. That is stated to appeal to my nervous system. Also, my system seems well acclimated to the medicine at this point that I don't have to worry about fasting for as long before disembarking. I haven't had a nausea purge in a long time.

The main take-away for me was to speak out loud when I am by myself more often to refind my voice.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

I almost didn't. Almost.

I was listening to this album

that i stumbled upon because of @northape So thank you for that.

I had told myself that I wanted to get back to more meditations, not only at my altar, but also unaltered, to be able to "get in touch," do the work, tap in, etc without outside stimulus more often just as point of beinf well-rounded and more centered in self. So, I gazed at my amethyst cluster, breathing, and meditating. I did a little tarot card draw, then laid down at my altar with Aubrey beside me. Staring at the overlaid nebula lights coursing briskly across my stucco ceiling, I thought to myself how it would be much more interesting if I smoalked...

I almost didn't, remembering that I wanted to have more meditations without changa. Well, technically I did, and I realized that in the moment, and it was pulling me, so, grabbed the pipe off of my nightstand, where it now lives, and took one decent hit.

My heart began pounding pretty hard, and it gave me an opportunity to divorce myself from my response as a thinking being, and my body's response, a being responding to stimulus from the world, internally, and from my mind. Something I've said for a long time, and maybe it helped me to see this, was that the body has a mind of its own. I simply "watched" the reaction, reinterpeting it from meaning something about me and my capacity, into more of my body screaming, "what the hell did you just do!"

Great little journey. Explored a lot of themes. Good times. Good times.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

A jolt to the system so strong it made my heart beat out of my chest, jutting my eyes open, desperately trying to find a space to lay the pipe down. Spawned by a thought train, I started to feel my mind slip away. A secondary rush. A delayed onset. The initial onset had been long over. My body's initial flight response, and my subsequent mental response turned out to be unnecessary, but the experience was still odd. Strange sensations, particularly on the left side of my body. Electric spirals splintering somatically through my nervous system. An "empty space" felt on my tongue. Peculiar depth despite the subdued visuals. The experience clung to me for what felt like an inordinate amount of time.

Checking in, ungrounded, fraught, I noticed that some of these strange sensations, sensations that word shocking yet familiar, felt pleasant. I had to tell myself to just let it feel good.

Post a hot eucalyptus bath, I ponder upon how much that was an influence.

One love

 

[ommani]

Post a hot eucalyptus bath, I ponder upon how much that was an influence.

Koala bears live in Australia and are known to eat eucalyptus leaves. Certain varieties of Australian acacia trees contain DMT. If you were a koala bear, we wouldn’t be having this conversation

In all seriousness, that sounds like an unusual/intense experience and it wouldn’t surprise me if the eucalyptus played a role, somehow.

 

[Voidmatrix]

None of this is anything new.

I often find myself worried about something bad or alarming happening in the space. Especially when there are things like the little visual that talks about safety around DMT (I can't find it, but there is a visual that talks about DMT safety, with little text bubbles that look like drips of water). I also tend to worry about the space punishing me.

I am writing this now because I no longer want to carry these worry or concerns. It's like I hear about things that have happened to others, and naturally, those are things that I want to avoid. And I have also had my own challenging experiences. While it's hard to say what kinds of bad or alarming things that I am worried about, as those things may just as alien as anything else that shows up in the space, it's a concern nonetheless. I feel that this concern is unwarranted as I feel I always manage myself. The space punishing me comes from hearing about others being punished by instances of the lock out or hyperslap, but I have only encountered what might've been a hyperslap once. I got the hint from that one time.

I think that some of this all stems from a mangled sense of self, so discussing this helps straighten it out. It's like I am visciously defiant in someways, shown philosophically better than anywhere else, yet am still swayed in these odd ways where I'd much prefer to not care, and on a conscious level I don't, but on a nervous system level I am wired to appeal to it. For example, I smoalk often. Smoalking often in and of itself is not flippant or haphazard. I'm mindful and methodical about it, but because the frequency is high, and I don't know many others that are in the same boat, nor would I be able to justify it to someone who doesn't it get it, I find myself stuck.

Yesterday needs a record to continue in shifting the tide and turning this immense page. These concerns are most prevalent at the beginning, during the smoalking period and duration of the onset. I smoalked three separate times yesterday, and there were no qualms about it. This is important, because often I go in a little once, and then tell myself I shouldn't go back. Part of the reason I went for it three times though was that I was in pain, my whole body but especially my back were extremely achy. DMT and changa have a weird way of helping to both alleviate pain and help me to manage it better. And the fact that my pain was a consideration in choosing to smoalk says a lot about how much pain I was in. But maybe I needed that to lose some of the rigidity around this. I want to smoalk often and I am reverent and respectful every time...

I have been noting in myself for a while an apprehension around the visual aspect of the space. I don't know why, and all I can say is that it reflects the above, is a negativity bias from past experiences, and is hard to make sense of. Again, for me, these experiences are only getting weirder. I do feel that my life outside the space contributes to how deep I feel I can feasibly go into the space. I am very stressed and overwhelmed and have my struggles, though well-managed, with mental health.

During my last foray in the evening, opting for my vape with just freebase DMT, I made a careful point to take the small dose slowly so that I could remain with and assess what was going on inside me, learning to remember certain insights that get me past that point, and allowing myself some agency, rather than letting the experience simply throw me around. Because I don't know what I am going to get at low doses, sometimes being very visual and immersive, I think I'll just keep playing with and allowing at these lower doses, remembering that I never regret it, and am only getting better over time.

Trust. Myself and the medicine.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

I think I finally broke it... the concern around my frequency of use. It happened in the midst of the medicine flowing through me as I flowed through space doing a little changa yoga.

I had awoken from a nap, and my back was hurting, and I initially was going to walk Aubrey, but while rinsing my face with cold water, that all changed. There was a thought train centered on dogma, and how it is a general goal of mine to challenge all dogma.

"In challenging dogma, I liberate myself" were my last words before I took my first small hit. Because I am less worried, more aligned in self, and more willing to fulfill my own desires, I checked in, asking, "do I want more? Do I want more medicine, do I feel like I can handle more medicine." The answer was yes on two counts. I didn't want to go to crazy because while the medicine does help my body on its own, I want some movement and breath to accompany it.

While about that corpse pose life, my nervous system settled and okay with the experience, I spoke aloud. I acknowledged that there is some dogma from a societal level that gets in my way. It's interesting how those cultural impacts so deeply embed and entrench themselves in our thinking. But from a well-rounded perspective, I have been a frequent user for a long time, and have nothing negative to say that I have gained from it. It has only gotten better. I have only gotten better. Challenge the tribunal, follow the DMT. My own coherence is my metric, and that is rarely, if ever, disrupted by my psychedelic use. There are regular old life events that will make me crash out more than psychedelics ever do. I am also not having world shattering, reality removing experiences all the time. The general psycholytic levels can be frequented much more often when one is well-versed. The past almost 10 years, while I struggle, has been good work. A nice saturation phase.

Concern ought to come only if harm or decoherence are extant.

I wrote down a note to change my connotations and associations involving and surrounding DMT. For example, when smoalking freebase, we all know that we want to get the dose in quickly. I have always interpreted that as a reason to hurry and rush. More accurately, my system is used to having to hurry and rush, and so the priority around time was put through the wrong filter. My trauma-informed negativity bias is getting shredded right now. As another example, I remember that there have been experiences that were alarming/shocking/challenging/terrifying/I couldn't make sense of, and my amygdyla was on fire, and my nervous system maintains a record, a record that stays at the forefront, before records of a more positive nature, like the experiences where I laugh hysterically, where I see and feel love in and for myself, where I have awesome and fulfilling and informing interactions with the space and things in the space.

I also neglect my skill, strength, and agency in the space. I can kinda do what I want when I remember to do so. As such, this medicine is a great way for me to maintain and remember to maintain my own self-reference, something I learned to dissociate from as a child. Realizing and applying my agency is a way of claiming myself.

Finally, I am an inverted U with how mindful I am around this. That is, I am too mindful, to the point that I am paranoid. I am not mad at myself for that. That's a trauma thing, not my fault. I am the opposite of many of the things that I have thought of myself as I have worked through much of this.

Now that my concerns around frequency are lessened, I can allow myself more depth each time, keeping in mind my own coherence.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

The flux never ends. The flux never stops.

Lately there has been a new sort of experience that has been occurring relatively often, both on and off medicine. It's a feeling akin to psychedelic activation. When on medicine, it appears as an acceleration into deeper spaces. It freaks me out most of the time, but I am practicing leaning into it and allowing it to run it's course and process. Sometimes, there's a feeling, almost like some internal switch flipping and then there is a subtle white light, but my immediate knee-jerk reaction is to halt it because it comes on so quickly and unexpectedly. I have to recognize that while it feels weird, it doesn't feel bad, but actually good, and withhold the inherent worry that comes with the experience.

It also happens late at night, sometimes while I am trying to fall asleep. It happened last night and it also occurred this morning. I did not take my microsdose yesterday or today. Today, it was most prevalent while driving, feeling as though there was something in my system that was activating. But I knew that I hadn't taken anything.

The experience, aside from feeling psychedelic, feels like it is touching on something deeper. Deeper how or where? I do not know, but that is the best way to describe the sense. This is certainly a process. And it seems to align with the idea I've been playing with around being "tapped in."

It's fascinating. I wonder if it "means" anything...

One love

 

[rkba]

Your Kundalini is stirring

 

[Transform]

Your Kundalini is stirring

Sounds like a compliment