Impulse Experiences: Ongoing Compilation

[Voidmatrix]

Another one I am sharing for my own benefit, engage or don't, all good either way.

Much of my whining is a layer peeling process of self-acceptance and radical acceptance for my current state. Understanding lends itself to acceptance. Reflecting, my difficulties, particularly in recent years with psychedelics, haven't always been this way. So here, we name the frustration and we grieve what was lost. Then we name various impacts to similar systems that are involved in letting go into these spaces, so for me LC, burnout, overtraining, layered on top of depression and C-PTSD. That said, all three layers impact things like the amygdala, lending itself to more anxiety and fear/trauma responses.

Literally just working the process to understand myself better. That's all.

Hope you all are well, and Happy Nexus Day!

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Two hits of changa followed by >8mg.

Very mindful. Very intentional. I took my first hit knowing the bowl was almost spent. I got into child's pose and then stayed with the mild onset for a while. I wanted to be deeper, so I took another hit, and did a little yoga flow. I didn't think about it or get in my own way or let anything else get in the way of just making the choice and following through.

I still wanted to be at least a little deeper. The vape was on the altar with a little more than 8mg in it. I took my time taking it in, stepping in, taking 3 second inhales until it was all gone, really staying with the nervous feeling that makes ya wanna stop. Watching it. Trusting myself, the medicine and the process, makes things so much easier. A slow and subtle onset to the extent that I felt I couldn't feel the change as abruptly. An iridescent green drop on a strand unfolded into a technicolor tapestry that I could only see the from the bottom edge. There was some other stuff, but this was the main things I remember (except for one trickster face towards the end; turned into a goblin), but this stands out because of how colorful it was. I did notice that it was hard to get the experience to stabilize, so while it was chill, it was also wild, but I was within my frame of equanimity and it was just something to enjoy.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

A couple posts I made earlier made me want to smoalk when I got home, despite a partition in my mind saying "no, explore the after-effects of that awesome pharma session you had two days ago." That's not the voice to listen to.

I took a couple hits on "principle" (in some ways this is inner child work, and so I am allowing myself more of what I want). When I take hits "on principle," there's no expectation, and if there is any, it's generally for it to be light, simply to retrain my system to stand down when the consideration or choice has been made. What's funny, is that since starting to work with the medicine in this way, I end up deeper than usual, which is fine, since I have termed the phase I am in now "the Deepening." Coming full circle, cuz it's not like we haven't been the distance before.

I also recently learned that given my trauma, I have to put extra effort into enjoyment. A little bit of a downer, but at least it's possible for me to enjoy things (haven't enjoyed much, or at least that I can recall, in a long time, except for sparse moments). I miss the days when many things would just grab my attention. I went into this with the aim to enjoy myself. I thank pharma from Monday, because that was generally enjoyable the whole time.

While laying in my bed, feeling decent about myself, laying on my heating pad, I wanted moar. Initially, I was just going to take moar hits from the changa pipe, but something told me to go for the vape. I got up to grab it from my second altar. I hesitated in grabbing it, looking at it, almost grabbing it, changing my mind, then repeat. The usual habits that we're working to change.

Obviously I grabbed it. Loaded with 15mg-16mg, I figured let's just be open and see what happens. I took a hit for a 5 count. I held it for a 19 count. As it came on, I felt the nerves, but there was less judgment, just reminding myself to stay with it. The vape began to change. So did my hands. I assume my room, but I don't know because my focus was squarely on the vape. There was still some left in the bulb, so I closed my eyes for a second and felt I could take more and sustain a little deeper. So I did. That little bit had an exponential effect, as it kinda tilted me over into the plane that I would be in for the duration. I tried holding that one for a 19 count, but started laughing while holding it.

The only visuals I can describe were these tentacle-like structures that kind of played and manipulated with me and would sometimes suddenly shift into a veil that would be wrapped around me. A lot of shaking, much more orderly than normal. Lots of positive thoughts, agency, and direction. Naturally, it lasted longer because of the harmalas from the changa. Empowering. Left me with a "see you next time," vibe. Just GOOD overall. It was enjoyable.

One love

 

[TransistorBass]

I tend to finish my Yoga sessions mentally saying Namaste and 'See you next time', Y'no like as if there is something there that has been with me in Yoga (Assisted or not).
After the other week's stern talking to myself about the way DMT can crank up the internal conversation and be a bit weird, it seems to have pushed me back into calm, quiet focus and connection.