Is Pornography Destroying My Sex Life?

[un-known-ome]

Just as a follow up to this thread, I have identified porn as big factor, and I am going to stop viewing it, however my location is just as much of a problem. It's not that there aren't necessarily places to meet people, but the issue is a major shortage of people my age around here. Moving would be a big help, which brings me to another question: I have a job locally right now, and I'm booked working through the summer, and then after the summer ends, I have already accepted a year-long position that would bring me into 2014. However, there's not really any reason for me to be here, and other than my family there's just nothing keeping me here. Should I just get out of here, screw the job, and move on?

I suppose that depends a great deal on how good of a job it is. If it is a job you could easily do elsewhere, I say bail. But if it is your dream job, or chance of a lifetime thing, then stay.

Chances are you will be able to find an equivalent (or better) job wherever you decide to go. I would fly the coop, and not just to the next town over. Go somewhere really cool. Live the dream while you can. Once you get stuck and sacrifice your freedom to have a family or whatever... you won't be able to.

Go forth and sow thy wild oats.

It's not a job I could do anywhere else, actually, but neither is it a dream job. I have less than ten grand in the bank, so I don't know how far that will get me. I suppose I could wait it out for another year, save my income, and then make the decision, and I'll be 23 with some good years ahead of me hopefully. I'll go somewhere that there are actually real live women, and where there are actually things to do. That will help my situation immensely. In the meantime, I have no idea what to do.

Anyway, thanks for the replies to this thread. I think it's helped me sort some things out.

 

[friken]

Id like to add one thing. That a healthy intimate relationship doesn't require you to lose your independence. This is a main cause of relationships failing. When one or both partners become dependent upon each other.
A healthy positive relationship is a trinity. There is the individuals and then the relationship as a unit.

Your partners happiness is not your responsibility nor is yours theirs. This doesn't mean that your not there for them to lean on, go to when in need, of coarse you must always be there to support your partner being happy but its not YOUR job to make them happy. Support is the key word here.

Often times, as we learn how to be a good partner and how to have a healthy relationship, one or both people try to make their happiness or self confidence the others responsibility. This causes ripples and stress on the relationship as a unit. Its impossible for one and self defeating for 2.

Once a person is dependent upon their partner for these inherent needs there instills an underlying resentment as well as mis-trust. A person can fail you or even hurt you. This is why independence must be maintained within the union. When you take responsibility for your own happiness and self assurance the relationship can blossom to its healthy full potential and nobody feels suppressed or reliant.

To be a good partner you should never require the other to be the same person you fell in love with. You should allow them to grow and change and support and cherish this. We all to often feel threatened by our partners changing because we are RELIANT upon them and have lost our independence. This is scary because since we need them in this way their changing is a threat, "what if this new person doesn't make me happy". Well make yourself happy and then their changes and growing becomes a beautiful thing rather than threatening.

Maybe think about this because these words of your feel like you have a negative perception of relationships as if they hold you back or stop you from being you, which is the case 90% of the time until we learn not to make this mistake. A healthy partnership is one of the most beautiful life enriching things we can do as peoples. Sadly IMO 90% of relationships don't know what I'm saying or don;t apply it.

If all you have seen or experienced in relationships is co dependency, its no wonder a person wouldn't want to be in one. Who would?

As far as watching porn, I think that yes this can be damaging. Its not an accurate example of intimate sex with your partner usually. Often times we like porn because its us living out our repressed sexual fantasy's. There is nothing wrong with this but people who watch too much porn or especially young people this can be damaging painting an often times misogynistic picture. I like some porn at times but like it best watching it with my partner. Enjoying it together and being open to each others desires and fantasies IMO is very healthy in a society that suppress' sex as much as ours does. I am most sexually open and diverse when its with a person Im in love with. In fact the older I get the less sex without love is appealing to me.

olympus mon, thank you so much for this post. While my struggles have little to do with the OP, I needed to read this and the timing of reading it was a synchronicity. I've struggled with my marriage of 20 years beyond all reason and sanity. We are definitely within the 90% who missed the memo of what you are saying here. My only correction is I think the % may be closer to 99.9% and that 0.1% remaining are distant legends of mythical proportions. Seriously though... as I struggle through divorce/work-it-out in my life, it is very critical to keep in the forefront what you posted. Everyone needs to live for their higher good first and foremost. A relationship that supports and aids personal growth would be truly amazing and I hope to one day experience it -- and be the same for another.

 

[friken]

Now, if you want to have love... that is gonna take a huge commitment. Generally, it will be larger than your career or hobbies... often combined. Don't listen to what anyone tells you. Despite the rather incredible high moments... relationships generally devolve into murky trench warfare in a fetid swamp. You may garner some peak experiences along the way... but you are certain to find your lowest points as well. Your first love is statistically nearly certain to break your heart... usually irreparably. This is not so bad, though, as that overly romantic thing you thought was your heart was actually some deeply ingrained programming.

I have to say your post is about the most pointed and realistic take on love/sex/etc I've read. Really a nothing held back reality check and advice for those willing to listen. It is advice I wish I had received as a kid. Too bad I also know I wouldn't have listened and would have just called you a jaded old fart. Some lessons in life have to be learned first hand and damn am I not having much fun with my set of them at the lately! I have spent the last 22 years with my high-school sweetheart and first love. You are more than correct that "Your first love is statistically nearly certain to break your heart... usually irreparably". It feels even more irreparable when three kids and a couple decades are involved.

Thanks for the post.. Yours and olympus mon's posts really hit home for me at a time I needed to read them. Time to dig deep and sort out my inner crap..... seriously considering an iboga flood to force the journey.

 

[Hyperspace Fool]

Now, if you want to have love... that is gonna take a huge commitment. Generally, it will be larger than your career or hobbies... often combined. Don't listen to what anyone tells you. Despite the rather incredible high moments... relationships generally devolve into murky trench warfare in a fetid swamp. You may garner some peak experiences along the way... but you are certain to find your lowest points as well. Your first love is statistically nearly certain to break your heart... usually irreparably. This is not so bad, though, as that overly romantic thing you thought was your heart was actually some deeply ingrained programming.

I have to say your post is about the most pointed and realistic take on love/sex/etc I've read. Really a nothing held back reality check and advice for those willing to listen. It is advice I wish I had received as a kid. Too bad I also know I wouldn't have listened and would have just called you a jaded old fart. Some lessons in life have to be learned first hand and damn am I not having much fun with my set of them at the lately! I have spent the last 22 years with my high-school sweetheart and first love. You are more than correct that "Your first love is statistically nearly certain to break your heart... usually irreparably". It feels even more irreparable when three kids and a couple decades are involved.

Thanks for the post.. Yours and olympus mon's posts really hit home for me at a time I needed to read them. Time to dig deep and sort out my inner crap..... seriously considering an iboga flood to force the journey.

Hey Friken, you have my deepest sympathies. Disintegration of love and trust can be brutal, and can really cause a complete reorganization of your life. I must commend you on your fortitude and relationship skills to have made it this far, though. 22 years is no shabby achievement. It certainly puts you in the upper reaches of the bell curve.

But high-school loves (esp. first loves) are often rather rough... IMHO, it is rather harder than marrying your 5th or 6th girlfriend in that both of you will always secretly wonder what you missed out on... what other partners are like... casual sex... whether your partner is really as uniquely twisted as she seems etc.

Typically, by the 3rd or 4th major foray into living with a loved one, we have learned to be more clear and forceful about our enforcing our boundaries and such, and the world doesn't seem to be on the verge of ending when we find that we have different goals or life paths from another. Most importantly, if lucky, we may have wiped some of the fantasy and illusion from our eyes and can at least attempt a clear-eyed, rational take on it... one that might minimize drama hopefully. Alas, we are quite likely to fail, but at least in doing so we don't have to have our entire sense of self and foundations of our life go down as well.

Sadly a lot of people in your position choose to tough it out... "for the kids." And it is possible to stifle your misery and coldly go through the motions. Hopefully your kids are old enough now that it won't be too traumatic for them either way.

I wish I could hand you a magic pill that would make it all work out. In lieu of that, a decent entheogenic experience as you have indicated might do the trick to show you a bigger picture etc. Be careful with Iboga flooding; make sure your heart is up to it... physically. But I do enjoy that deep space and the primal wisdom there.

All the best amigo,
HF

 

[un-known-ome]

This might qualify as too much information, but perhaps not. Either way, I think it's an important thing for men to talk about. I abstained from masturbation for either 6 or 7 days last week. I succumbed to the urge to my great dismay, but I didn't watch porn at least. Anyway, I subjectively felt a pretty steep boost in libido, energy, focus. The last time I went that long was in 2008, I believe, but that was under different circumstances. And although I didn't get laid in this past week, my interest in women gradually started to rise. They just caught my attention more easily, I was more likely to start a conversation, I was more likely to be flirtatious, and I was more confident, etc. All good things in my book. So anyway, this is progress in a positive direction.

 

[edge2054]

Yeah, you are destroying your sex life.

In addition to short circuiting your dopamine reward cycle you're also not in the state of arousal that is natural for a man your age. You mentioned that you find women less interesting because you masterbate so frequently but you have to realize that you're also making yourself less interesting to women.

In our natural state our bodies go through a bunch of changes that you may not be aware of when we get around potential mates. We produce pheromones, our posture changes, we breathe more deeply so we can pick up on the pheromones the opposite sex is producing, our sex drive interrupts many other signals too such as desire for food, comfort, etc. etc. so that mating becomes a very high priority. And the opposite sex is wired to pick up and respond to all of these changes. Life wants to make more life.

On a personal level I cut way down on the amount of porn I watch and how often I masterbate and mine and my wife's sex life (and with it our marriage in general) has improved drastically.

*edit* Good job on abstaining for a while I think you'll find as time goes on you'll be more interested in the opposite sex and that they'll return that interested more easily. Keep at it.

If you want further motivation, watch this thing on dopamine reward cycles and how porn is linked to erectile disfunction.

 

[cheiron]

This might qualify as too much information, but perhaps not. Either way, I think it's an important thing for men to talk about. I abstained from masturbation for either 6 or 7 days last week. I succumbed to the urge to my great dismay, but I didn't watch porn at least. Anyway, I subjectively felt a pretty steep boost in libido, energy, focus. The last time I went that long was in 2008, I believe, but that was under different circumstances. And although I didn't get laid in this past week, my interest in women gradually started to rise. They just caught my attention more easily, I was more likely to start a conversation, I was more likely to be flirtatious, and I was more confident, etc. All good things in my book. So anyway, this is progress in a positive direction.

A lot has already been said that is quite usefull, but I think I still can add a potential interesting direction: tantra.

Ejaculating has quite some (measureable) effects on your brainchemistry, that seem to be traceable like an asthonishing 17 days or so. Most men never notice this effect, because they either ejaculate at least several times a week or they abstince from sexual activity.

The interesting other way (in many ways) is tantra, which in short means you stop loosing your energy via ejaculation. In stead, you practice to circulate the energy through your body. It is very hard, I know, especially when you have made a habbit of releasing energy through ejaculation. But it is pretty awarding once it works out. Think 30 minute orgasms, spiritual and even psychedelic states-of-consciousness, sex for several hours, more energy etc.

The point is, once you learn to preserve and circulate the energy in your body, you will become filled with sexual energy. That means, you dont "need" a girl to "get" it from. I can assure you, this is much more attractive to girls. You actually have something to give, not only take.

for more info, you may want to check this out http://www.reuniting.info/first_visit its a nice starter.

 

[Orion]

You are developing a wonderful relationship with your hand at least ? See the positive. Take it out for a nice meal man... tell it how you feel, this could be something beautiful.

 

[cyb]

See the positive.

Talk to the Hand...:!:

 

[The Neural]

[YOUTUBE]

I do not think the two acts are alike, besides their common physiological result.
What if there was not any porn to be accessed? Would you not use your imagination every time you felt the sexual urge, just like this kangaroo? It can mate, alas, it can even instigate a threesome, but chooses to masturbate instead. Sex is much different, there is intimacy, intensity and creativity, which you can be "addicted" to and start to pursue it with the same determination you pursue masturbation. You may possibly just need to have some additional sexual experiences. put simply, the easy access to porn may not be the problem.

Just an idea.

 

[un-known-ome]

I just wanted to revisit this thread and make a few comments. I've broken my dependency on porn/masturbating very easily, more easily than I thought. It was just about making a conscious effort to stop. However, I've come to realize that unlike I had thought, there is no significant link to my desire for women. I feel differently, unquestionably, but pornography clearly isn't destroying my sex life. Interestingly, I don't know how much I really care. I'm glad for having made this lifestyle change, however, and it seems be an overall positive thing.

 

[hug46]

However, I've come to realize that unlike I had thought, there is no significant link to my desire for women.

Does this mean that you still have no desire for women? Have you thought about the possibility that you might prefer men?

 

[Infectedstyle]

:lol: Cheap shot hug46, cheap! :roll:

 

[SpartanII]

:lol: Cheap shot hug46, cheap! :roll:

lol:grin:

Anyways, here's how my stoned ass sees it: Every day we wake up we start out with a certain amount of available energy. Through focusing our attention and intention, we can "spend" that energy on certain things. Maybe it's wise to save up.

"Energy flows where attention goes"

-Huna Principle

"Impeccability is nothing else but the proper use of energy. My statements have no inkling of morality. I've saved energy and that makes me impeccable. To understand this, you have to save enough energy yourself.

Warriors take strategic inventories. They list everything they do. Then they decide which of those things can be changed in order to allow themselves a respite, in terms of expending their energy.

The strategic inventory covers only behavioral patterns that are not essential to our survival and well-being.

In the strategic inventories of warriors, self-importance figures as the activity that consumes the greatest amount of energy, hence, their effort to eradicate it.

One of the first concerns of warriors is to free that energy in order to face the unknown with it. The action of rechanneling that energy is impeccability."

Carlos Castaneda/Don Juan

 

[The Neural]

:lol: Cheap shot hug46, cheap! :roll:

Could you please elaborate why suggesting one of the alternatives on a sexual preference is considered a cheap shot? Just out of interest.

 

[Metanoia]

:lol: Cheap shot hug46, cheap! :roll:

Could you please elaborate why suggesting one of the alternatives on a sexual preference is considered a cheap shot? Just out of interest.

I know exactly why, but I'm also curious to hear his response :lol:

 

[hug46]

:lol: Cheap shot hug46, cheap! :roll:

Could you please elaborate why suggesting one of the alternatives on a sexual preference is considered a cheap shot? Just out of interest.

Yep. I am not sure of the worldwide demographic but i would think there are millions (if not billions) of gay people who would think it not a cheap shot.

 

[Infectedstyle]

Lol. I am not sure how serious you where in your initial post hug46. But i definitely roared with laughter.

I thought you where putting words in his mouth (*giggles like a school girl) when you asked if he had no desire for women. Which is not what he said, how i understood it is that he found no significant link that watching porn influences his desire for women. He still desires, but it is a stand-alone thing. Atleast, that's how i understood it. If he where a homosexual i think he would have simply watched gay porn instead. ^_^

Not to demean or condescend homosexuality. Even the term gay used to mean "Happy, carefree" . And i love all gay people. In fact, thinking about this stuff serves a good portion of my life considering about 50% of the people i hang out with are either gay or bisexual. The only real difficult question i have left right now is the morality of a sperm bank for lesbian couples. I'm just not sure if a baby is best born out of love, or if nurturing a child with two loving parents is good enough.

 

[The Neural]

If he where a homosexual i think he would have simply watched gay porn instead. ^_^

You kinda put words into Hug's mouth yourself. He asked if he "may be" attracted to men. Not if he "already" knows that he is homosexual.

You do realise that not everyone who at some point accepts their homosexuality, not always knew that they had such tendencies, right?

 

[Infectedstyle]

If he where a homosexual i think he would have simply watched gay porn instead. ^_^

Granted, the possiblity exists that watching a lot of heterosexual porn might steer a mind towards feeling like a heterosexual and ignoring their homosexual nature. It is entirely possible considering the fact that pornographic images are far from the real thing. In my experience, I thought i was attracted to the typical slim looking duck-faced porn queen. Projecting my sexual fantasies upon the real world, i realized these underweight girls are too fragile for me. And actually engaging in sexual intercourse out in the real world i found out i have a preference for a little more meat on a woman/girl.

You kinda put words into Hug's mouth yourself.

Well, i do not regret that. Never regret something that once made you smile

He asked if he "may be" attracted to men. Not if he "already" knows that he is homosexual.

Isn't asking that he may be attracted to men kind of implying that he already knows he is homosexual in the first place? But i suppose you mean to offer the possibility that he/she might be gay.

You do realise that not everyone who at some point accepts their homosexuality, not always knew that they had such tendencies, right?

I did realize when posting that, that not everyone knew they had homosexual tendencies.. But for the sake of not complicating things i decided to ignore that fact. But for the sake of conversation, i think it is most useful to consider sexual preference in a practical way. Uninfluenced by pornographic images of OTHER people having sex. I think finding out that you are gay or bisexual is the most extreme outcome of this kind of thinking. And you are spot on in realizing i kind of missed that train of thought.