my experience with autism specifically

[alex mowry]

being autistic; it's really hard for me to work with other people and share emotions and feelings and understandings and to not feel angry that all this is happening to me and that i'm out of control of some things about myself in regard to being around others and making friends and talking to collegues and sharing time and space.

like; why is it that i have to just keep things short and simple? i don't think that way so it's really difficult and takes a little more time for someone like me who has never learned how a normal person learned. it's not that i can't learn or refuse to learn; it's that my brain works completely differently when you compare it with someone who doesn't have a spectrum of autism.

autism doesn't mean that you are less intelligent, that you are more violent or angry, or that you choose to be anti-social. it does however mean that you will face your whole entire life with a set of difficulties in regard to being around other people and being comfortable in your own self or your own skin.

it means that when you get angry you really really hate yourself. when you get sad you really really hate yourself. when you get happy you really really love yourself. when you get creative you really really get creative. but the problem is all the distorted thought and feeling. its not you. its not me. its how my brain works.

i'm sorry if sometimes i seem kinda like i don't fit in; but i am trying. i am trying to be a better member and trying to fit in; but i never learned how to fit in with anyone or anything. it's not that i don't understand or want to deal with others; it's that i never had someone to take the time to help me feel like i really fit in.

all this work that i'm going through isn't going to be something small because i can't let myself go out that way. that's why i make such big posts and why sometimes i can't shut off that part of my brain that thinks about new information.

so i'm sorry if i hurt the nexians or the nexus by being slightly psychologically off or different or damaged. i also have psychological damage and issues with apathy, depression, anxiety, being myself, loving who i am on the inside, accepting things, accepting change, and leaning back.

literally; all my life i've figured out MY problems. no one else was good enough to help out or understand my mental breakdowns. at an early point in my life; things incredibly downspiraled and seriously affected me for the long term.

i hold onto how my parents divorced, how everyone in my family has attempted suicide and all my friends and loved ones have attempted suicide, how frustrated i get with the phenomena of self harm and how i don't even do it and for some reason i feel like that makes me fit in less with the people i care about in my personal life, and i hold onto every last painful memory because those moments in life were real to me; material or otherwise i don't care in the most painful way i unfortunately imagine.

like... seriously why can't we be as trusting as i try to be; not because it's all about me. but because like... i came here because i wanted to be a part of a drug community that wasn't strictly foolish but was accepting and tollerant; as i had heard about the community.

and i feel like karma just hits me in the face for no reason and like i get the shit end of all kinds of things. i'm not some victim though and i refuse to let things be that way and that way only. i refuse to let life take me through my pain or the things that happen to me that break my self. i can't let that happen for what i've been through as a whole and how adults treated me like i was never there as a child and like i didn't matter. want to know the reprecussions of not accepting other people?

you become really really antisocial and hate yourself and look in the mirror and think of yourself as bad so i'm sorry nexians that i don't fit in with all of you; but officially i need to take a break from the nexus because i do the things i do because no one else does anything for me; even when i try to do things for other people. and as far as i'm concerned i'm still desiring to be a part of this community; but everyone goes through troubles in life. and you can be there for me and be like a brother or you can just be like my biological family; fake.

 

[Spiralout]

Thanks for posting man. It is hard to be so honest I'm sure. I don't know anyone personally with autism but I'm a little bit out there myself and I can empathize with some of the things your saying. My advice would be to not be so hard on yourself. Oh that band Pascal Pinon you posted in chat is awesome BTW. Thanks:thumb_up:

 

[Infectedstyle]

My advice to you is to try and not get offended. It has really helped me tremendously. Something about this emotional layer I think is a way of the ego trying to protect itself from changing. Because, what is really being said from an objective point of view in any kind of situation is in probably most cases, not all is usually helpful and informative in some way or another. Either way, an objective truth is found. And any kind of objective truth is fundamentally required to be free from offense or any sort of emotion. I.E. An objective truth may be that someone has an opinion that differs from yours'

Which brings me to my next point. Be confident in one's strength and acknowledge weakness. But most of all, cultivate confidence and strength. This also ties in with not being offended. Like how can you, when you are confident?~

Not sure if helpful. Or if i'm even being respectful towards you but If you need a break, take a break. Honestly, having not read much of ur words. I do not think other people on this forum perceive things in such a negative daylight as you seem to portray

 

[Icon]

To me, your post is asking for 2 different things. You expect people to acknowledge your problems and treat you specially, yet desire to be treated equally? I haven't read your other posts, but I wouldn't have guessed any less of you from this one. I think you're attracting your own burden by disclaiming yourself as challenged. Society is challenging for everyone in different ways; you're no exception. There are many, many people struggling just to survive, and you're healthy enough to joke about the choice online. You know how privileged you are? No, we don't get to choose our family or our minds, none of us do. But I think you have a lot to be thankful for and nothing to be ashamed of.

Edit: so I just saw your post in the cube is a cube thread and understand a little more now. Snozzleberry was being very blunt with you, an attitude that I see often from senior members. But don't take it personally, this place does have a higher standard of content to maintain. The OP's question was simple but you made it a lot more complicated. Yes, mycology is very complex, but you shouldn't assume that just because someone is curious about cubes that they care to study mycology. The beauty of the internet is that we can query for details that only others with a lifetime of research could answer, saving you that much time. The OP was looking for one of those single details, not an explanation of how to eventually determine the answer for themselves.

I like your philosophical attitude though. You should make your own thread to talk about the subject more deeply and I think it would be highly appreciated by others looking for that. I personally am interested in mycology and philosophy so it gave me a lot to think about. Can't fit all the knowledge in one place though; let simple threads be simple.

 

[trncefigurate_aomn]

Hello! You are most welcome here, don't worry. i have something to share with you! I could write on it for a while too but i will wait to see what your thoughts are.

Anthropologist Mircea Eliade's pivotal book Shamanism: Archaic Techniques of Ecstasy describes how in many tribes, the same mental-emotional experiences that you are describing, the shamans reported in their own words these types of emotions.

There is a very beautiful and extensive amount of information that links shamanism and autism! It seems like in many natural tribes, people who grow up and have certain behaviors and moods are understood to fit into the roles of shamans.

In our present societies or however to describe them, the cultural space does not exist as openly that allows people

a) who experience connections to the role of shamans
b) who experience
autism and related different consciousnesses
c) people who experience both

to be understood fully and therefore allowing a fully enriched and integrated human culture to exist...!
Yet thankfully many people from many perspectives are trying to help bring this closer and closer to being.
After all, whether people with autism experiences for example would all want to be shamans, as they may not, shamans and entheogens regardless could help many people with autism...!
There is a very distinctly interconnected set of realities in this.

Whether it is the ability of MDMA to help trauma, psilocybin to help the depth of consciousness, ganga/cannabis to help epilepsy, cancer, autism, and DMT to help with many aspects of life; all of these explorations are allowing an understanding to be reached and what honestly is a type of cultural enlightenment to become more possible.

We are all part of a very dynamically real and radically communicative picture of life.
You will be accepted here! I understand your perspectives and i am sure others do too!

 

[alex mowry]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. i'd also say i'm eccentric and i like to be proud of who i am in the eccentric way that i am. personally when i see a life problem i try to actually solve the problem through trial and error. i realized as i come to this website that my first posts were more like rough drafts of my relationship with the website and it's users there of.

since i was young; i had a different way of thinking. eccentric basically. i have nearly always been in some way; fascinated by two fundamental opposites; the individual and the society the individual presides in. i'm actually not the type to give into one form of consciousness; and i realize that i think i have called negativity with some types of posting; but i also think that each new member usually should go through a process or phase of awardness or finding theirself because i notice that high standard the website offers; and i'd rather be criticized in a high standard than to be accepted in a lower one.

furthermore; i came to the website because at an age in my teens i wanted to be a drug activist in drug policy reform; or to at least provide social change when it came to the attitude the system and society has towards drugs. i saw that things can be a little different and that the importance of attitude that my teachers were preaching about and the same risks they tried to outline the best way possible that they could; were important in a light of its own. but i still saw that the way things were, were not effective. i saw that internally alot of things were in a negative light with society and the system and school. and i am interested in changing things around me and within me and learning how to live and let live.

the best way that i learn is with a person that is positive, understanding, receptive, honest, constructive, critical, creative, innovative, and okay with eccentricism. i'm working on each day at a time and i kind of like that idea. but i also like to think that i have things i need to overthink about because i feel like sometimes overthinking, stress, ignorance, and arrogance are just words and that people can't just learn through words. i believe we learn in the brain and in the world around us and the experiences we make in life. and i believe that as i use this website i really will gain something from it as well as contribute.

the whole point of joining this website was so that i could have something to put some pent up frustrated energy into something that could benefit the world around me so that when things do change and so that when i am ready to change; the whole process of changing outcomes in a positive sense.

i believe that when you start something that you at the least don't neglect it or abuse it for what it became. thats just my psychological program i run because i find that thought process comfortable. and i think that if i use that tool in my psychological tool box; i can overcome some issues that i have in my life and prevent the spreading of that "negative karma" or of my "problems".

so lasty; thank you for your feedback, it helps me to feel more comfortable in my own nexian shoes; so to speak. and i'm going to try to be more careful about posting posts and saying what i have to say and more importantly what i actually communicate.

 

[Intezam]

Brother please don't think that everyone else at the nexus is completely 'normal'...

 

[alex mowry]

Brother please don't think that everyone else at the nexus is completely 'normal'...

heh heh heh! agreedlez! i like pie! also pickles...



..... AND SOMETIMES... when i'm peeling potatoes... i like to pretend that i'm REALLY peeling...

AAPPPLLEESS!! AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!

also you have a point yo!

 

[SnozzleBerry]

Alex,

Thank you for taking the time to post all of this.

and i'm going to try to be more careful about posting posts and saying what i have to say and more importantly what i actually communicate.

This is all I was driving at in the other thread. I'm sorry that I did not take the time/make the effort to put it into kinder words.

 

[AcaciaConfusedYah]

Hey Alex, we are all subjects of the human condition. If any one of us were "normal," we probably wouldn't be on the DMT nexus. But, each one of is as normal as we will ever be. For us, eccentric is the norm. Embrace it. ya know?

 

[○]

Alex,

Great posts man; to put yourself/thoughts out there for all us to read. Thank you for this much better understanding.

I've said it a few times, but I think you deserve promotion.

 

[tryptographer]

Of course a warm welcome, and thanks for taking the time for writing this so we can understand you better!