The shame of simple pleasures

[Nydex]

Recently I watched perhaps one of Chris Williamson's best Modern Wisdom episodes released to date - 21 Lessons from 999 Episodes - in which he shared a very powerful exploration of this simple concept - being ashamed of indulging in the simple pleasures of life.

He quoted Visakan Veerasamy:

I have not yet grown wise enough to deeply enjoy simple things...

And proceeded to expand on this in an exceptionally eloquent and impactful way, which I want to share with you today. It goes like this:

We are all terrible accountants of our own joy. Most of us only accept deposits when the transaction is sufficiently large. The day that we get married. The night that we play the main stage at Glastonbury. The moment the business sells for $100 million. Anything less, and the entry doesn't even make the ledger.

We treat small pleasures like counterfeit currency. And you think, "Oh, that little thing made your day. That small moment made your week. How feeble, how desperate, how limited your life must be to be thrilled by something so unimpressive. You must not have a lot going on."

We roll our eyes at the tiny events that others get excited at as though joy must be proportionate to scale. And yet, life is made up of little things exactly like this. Not once in a while. Always. Your life is entirely constructed out of moments so small they wouldn't even register as events on someone's calendar.

So, why can't something small be something great? Well, I realized sometimes I feel things more deeply than I should do, including the shame that I feel things more deeply than I should do. And also the shame of being delighted at little things more than I think I should. And I felt like as if taking pleasure in something tiny revealed the smallness of my life.

But maybe that's exactly backward. Maybe the true richness of a life is how much joy you can harvest from the smallest possible patch of soil. And here's the payoff - when you lower the threshold for joy, you don't just get more of it, you get it now. Who is truly the more impressive person? The one who requires a grand cathedral of bullshit, fanfare, and galactic accomplishment in order to get the slightest flicker of pleasure, like some masochist at a sex party demanding car batteries get clamped onto their nipples before they can even get started? Or, the person who could do it with a good coffee and a fresh breeze?

This feels like a test of emotional robustness. If the only experiences that you allow to bring you joy are big, impressive, and rare, then your happiness is brittle. You've made it dependent on external circumstances lining up in just the right way. You have taken your joy hostage until the ransom note of life offers you something sufficiently worth it.

We are already primed to be easy to trigger, just not in the right direction. We already let the tiniest inconveniences ruin our mood. A slow barista. The wi-fi buffering. A traffic jam that adds 7 minutes to our commute. Our threshold for irritation is comically low, but our threshold for joy is absurdly high. A stranger's smile doesn't count. A great song coming on shuffle is not enough. Throwing a towel into the washing basket from across the room - that's lame. If something as insignificant as a red light can make you snap, why can't a great coffee make you glow?

We are already easily tipped into frustration, so you have to work equally hard to be as easy to tip into delight. Joe Hudson says "Enjoyment is efficiency." The less grandiosity you need to feel good, the more happiness coins you get to pick up across your day. So the real challenge is how little of a thing can happen to make your day. How much excitement can you squeeze out of clean bedsheets, or the smell of rain on hot pavement, or a cool breeze when you step outside?

I have noticed this in my own life as well, and it's an ongoing mindful modulation to not let insignificant things throw me off balance, or let insignificant joyful moments go unnoticed and unappreciated. This also reminds me of the long-lasting struggle @Voidmatrix has had with his relationship with the medicine, and feeling like he's not doing enough during the periods where he worked with smaller doses, as well as feeling shame that he's overindulding in the periods when he was working with higher doses and frequencies.

This cursed loop of shame is a dead end, and one of the most surefire ways to hold your joy hostage. To let it go and to accept life with all it gives you is a true sign of emotional maturity.

Long way to go, but it feels good to be reminded that it's fine to feel the way we feel sometimes.

Love to all

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thank you for sharing this. It was a necessary reminder to continue not giving a f. I almost forgot

Joy is an illusive thing to me. And it's poignant, because in my DMT and changa forays, there's a part of me that enjoys it that I neglect to acknowledge. It's about the "work." As a result I often forget to enjoy the experience while I'm in it. Perhaps if I approach it with the idea that I want to enjoy it as well things may change.

But this experience for me isn't isolated to psychedelics, it penetrates almost every area of my life. Bored and not knowing what to do, I marinate in action paralysis, because I'm looking for something important and productive to do, not something to enjoy.

My joy and enjoyment are not seen as important or a priority.

Gee wizz, I'm so serious. A thought that just came up: "'truth' doesn't care about joy."

Hot damn I'm brutal

There's a lesson here though. As the exerpt states, we're terrible accountants of our own joy and we neglect to acknowledge the small things that matter. I've tried to prove a lot to myself. For example, deadlifting, I've deadlifted 405lbs countless times, but each time I approach it it's as if it's the second time ever, thinking that maybe the first success was a fluke.

Everything is approached as if it's the second time I've done it. I think this is because I don't celebrate myself or focus on the joys of my success.

All this being said, in order to mitigate post-workout blues today, I'm going to focus on enjoying myself, listening to my body and ending the workout when it lets me know it's time.

Thank you again for sharing. Touched my heart this morning.

And who knows maybe I'll put the changa bonga to my lips later, just to enjoy it.

Lots of love brother.



One love

 

[Varallo]

Just some thoughts …

So to my understanding, shame often arises from a lack of self worth, but it also has a normative side. It appears when we feel we have not lived up to a standard, either our own (implicitly formed by the external world) or one set by others. I think that is why external validation plays such a strong role in shame, because it ties our sense of value to how well we meet those social or internal expectations. And from there the ability to enjoy small, genuine moments weakens, since their worth depends on how others might perceive them.

That is what I see in what you describe, so it’s not a process of not getting fulfilled by the little joys of life but by the way some treat joy as something that only counts when it is big enough to be noticed. From there it is not just about missing joy, it is about giving the power over what is meaningful to external observers.

I think that when you do that, small, authentic pleasures become undervalued, and the emotional loop of shame and comparison keeps reinforcing itself.

Note: I’m not implying that this is true for anyone specific.

I think the way out might be to break that loop by finding validation inward, to let your own experience decide what holds value, not by not giving a f..ck. When you work on self worth that is not conditional on others, I think its possible to get ownership over what counts as joy and meaning in your life.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I think the way out might be to break that loop by finding validation inward, to let your own experience decide what holds value, not by not giving a f..ck.

Aha! But you see, for me," listening to the inner voice" that is the source of said validation can only be done when not giving an f about the "inner voice(s)" that drown it out.

And I agree with your description. It's an issue of crossing of wires, because while there are some things that shame does a collective service for (if you miss a shot on prey feeling shame may help motivate you to not miss in the future) there are many things we need not feel shame for.

One love

 

[hugfortysix]

If you take joy in going to the toilet, or drinking a glass of water or looking out the window, you will always be rich. Everything else is just window dressing.

 

[Voidmatrix]

If you take joy in going to the toilet, or drinking a glass of water or looking out the window, you will always be rich. Everything else is just window dressing.

What I'm realizing where I've slipped up is focusing on gratitude, but not the benefits of what it feels like. I have gratitude for a plethora of small things, but there isn't a feel good feeling or joy that comes with it.

One love

 

[Varallo]

Aha! But you see, for me," listening to the inner voice" that is the source of said validation can only be done when not giving an f about the "inner voice(s)" that drown it out.

One love

I’m not sure if it’s about the inner voice, or being able to discern what voice you listen to.

I personally also have these voices but don’t think much about it, most of the time they just go by and are easily forgotten. Another thing is that I have little time for them and before I could even do something with them I have been doing something else. Making that inner voice completely unimportant 90% off the time.

Little joys in life are there and make my day better, the cup of coffee in the morning, or the way my wife looks at me when I say something unexpected, looking at my phone and seeing it’s 11 past 11.

 

[Voidmatrix]

I’m not sure if it’s about the inner voice, or being able to discern what voice you listen to.

I used the idea of inner voice as a tool of simplicity. It's not really a voice I deal with. It's more of an amalgam of a feeling, a sense, a worry and a voice.

I personally also have these voices but don’t think much about it, most of the time they just go by and are easily forgotten.

For me, these inklings or whatever we want to call them tend to be right in my face, that is, in the forefront of my mind, and this may be because they align with what they reflect in terms of experiences had that reinforce them.

I feel like stress drowns out my joy.

One love

 

[Transform]

If you take joy in going to the toilet, or drinking a glass of water or looking out the window, you will always be rich. Everything else is just window dressing.

Have you been spying on me?

 

[new_science]

I like this topic and can relate to it a lot.

I've had to relearn who I am and what makes me happy over the past year. In 2024 I left an ideal setting, both professionally and geographically, and moved back in with my parents in hopes of furthering my education and potential ability to provide for myself in a more sustainable way.

I've always been an incredibly introverted person, however I did have my friends throughout school and in my previous place of residence. I had people whom I could talk to, hang out with, and simply share passions. Even if I didn't feel like it, the option was always there and it means a whole lot to have options in life. I was massively comfortable and it was the threat of not being able to afford life on my own terms anymore that pushed me to where I've been since last year.

Where I live now, I have no friends other than my aging and ailing parents. I don't resonate with the local culture, I abhor the weather a great part of the year, and the demographic is all wrong--a full third of the population of my little town is geriatric while I'm 37 at the moment of writing this post. While I am presently in school, all of my classmates are either 10+ years my junior, have complete family lives of their own, or both. Couple that with my notably unusual extracurricular activities, and, well, there's not much substance shared for connection. We're all friendly and yet that separation can still be felt.

These facts, however, have forced me to reflect extensively on what makes me happy, and discovering the reasons why I am who I am. I'm introverted because I enjoy my own company most of the time, and that's ok. I can derive immense pleasure from things like drinking tea or coffee, cooking and baking, tinkering with electronics, maintaining my car, watching basketball, reading, or going for a jog. Outside influences or factors aren't required for me to have a fantastic day or week. I have re-found who I am, the person I always knew I was and somehow forgot, just because I've been forced into this objectively worse situation for a short period of time. And when it's over, whether this period of time can objectively be termed a success or not, it will still have been productive. I have a better sense of what life means for me individually, where my values lay, and how to stay true to them.

 

[blig-blug]

These facts, however, have forced me to reflect extensively on what makes me happy, and discovering the reasons why I am who I am. I'm introverted because I enjoy my own company most of the time, and that's ok. I can derive immense pleasure from things like drinking tea or coffee, cooking and baking, tinkering with electronics, maintaining my car, watching basketball, reading, or going for a jog. Outside influences or factors aren't required for me to have a fantastic day or week. I have re-found who I am, the person I always knew I was and somehow forgot, just because I've been forced into this objectively worse situation for a short period of time. And when it's over, whether this period of time can objectively be termed a success or not, it will still have been productive. I have a better sense of what life means for me individually, where my values lay, and how to stay true to them.

Very well said, I feel similarly. I think that only someone who doesn't need external approval or interaction to be content can actually fully enjoy other people's company. I see many people that are very sociable, but take part on many social status games, gossiping, and generally pursue status and approval. I believe they would be much happier if they were able to relate to others without getting sucked into so many games, but in their minds it's usually other people's fault.

When I'm in social settings (not that often) I rarely care much anymore for those games. That makes me never be fully integrated in the situation, as that would require full commitment to the group dynamics. But at the same time it makes many people more comfortable to talk to me openly, as they know I'm going to listen to what they actually say instead of interpreting it as a coded status message, and I'm not going to judge them. So very often we end up having conversations that are more real and enjoyable than the typical chitchat.

 

[Voidmatrix]

If I am being honest with myself, I think I am, to some extent, polydrug addicted. In my case that means I use psychedelics regularly and have done so for decades, with no real intention of stopping. That is a strange realization. At the same time I am fortunate to have a body that does not enjoy amphetamines or opiates and cocaine. In that sense I might be in a position where using psychedelics feels relatively safe.

This thread has had me thinking about this response from @Varallo in another thread.

I wonder how we would feel in our use if we weren't fed the quite likely erroneous idea that we ought to be sober? I mean, what if people are brought more clarity by virtue of some alteration... oh wait, we already do that... we already have substances that have the claimed benefit of clarity, such as caffeine (as I sip my chai).

This is something that I constantly reflect on seeing as if I weren't worried about certain things that stem from a societal and cultural misunderstanding, then it would be easier to enjoy myself in the wild ways that I would like to. For example, if I inadvertantly screw myself up psychedelically, there's not much cultural support for that, just people saying "this is why you shouldn't do drugs," completely unaware of the nuance involved.

Now, am I addicted to drugs? At the very least to nicotine. I wonder about cannabis, but I enjoy being stoned to some extent most of the time, and I have no incentive or reason to change that. The real test would be, if I had a reason to quit, if I could or not. It's funny, because if I desired to, I'm confident I could stop, but I have no desire to, and often we operate based off those kinds of inputs.

I do lots of psychedelics because I enjoy it dammit!

Well, and because it's part of my path.

One love

 

[blig-blug]

I wonder how we would feel in our use if we weren't fed the quite likely erroneous idea that we ought to be sober?

It's also interesting how the fact that if your inebriation has been recommended or ordered by a figure of authority, you are considered to be sober. This is a recent phenomenon, the restriction of the authority to decide who and why may take certain substances to doctors starts at the very end of the 19th century and beginning of the 20th.

A drug is a drug. There are both reasons to take them and to not take them. Those depend on the person, the context, and many other factors. Depending on those factors, they may help, be neutral, or harm. But in the end, they are drugs all the same.

Plus, there are other methods for altering consciousness. Is someone "sober" while scrolling TikTok for hours?

Willingly seeking to alter one's consciousness is quite human, and I think it's a tool that gives us greater flexibility than other animals, if used well. But it also allows us to destroy ourselves.

(sorry because I just realized what thread this is, and my comment is somewhat offtopic)

 

[Voidmatrix]

It's also interesting how the fact that if your inebriation has been recommended or ordered by a figure of authority, you are considered to be sober. This is a recent phenomenon, the restriction of the authority to decide who and why may take certain substances to doctors starts at the very end of the 19th century and beginning of the 20th.

A drug is a drug. There are both reasons to take them and to not take them. Those depend on the person, the context, and many other factors. Depending on those factors, they may help, be neutral, or harm. But in the end, they are drugs all the same.

Plus, there are other methods for altering consciousness. Is someone "sober" while scrolling TikTok for hours?

Willingly seeking to alter one's consciousness is quite human, and I think it's a tool that gives us greater flexibility than other animals, if used well. But it also allows us to destroy ourselves.

(sorry because I just realized what thread this is, and my comment is somewhat offtopic)

It's on topic enough because it contributes to how we enjoy our substance use. And for me it's so much deeper than that.

Anyway, that's what I'm getting at. Monkey see, monkey do, subconsciously we look at others to see what's acceptable to do. And when it isn't normalized by anything around you, and you choose to still do it, you have to make a new normal for yourself. This can go either way.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

At the center where I work, when working with trauma, one thing that we bring up is one's capacity for good. We can be so traumatized or be hurting so much that we have a lower threshold to handle the good things in life. This can show up in many ways such as "waiting for the other shoe to drop," or thinking something that is very valid is too good to be true.

While I work with this with many clients, I'm a hard ass and have neglected to do this particular work for myself. My low enjoyment is indicative of my own low threshold for good.

Just a thought.

One love

 

[ommani]

While I work with this with many clients, I'm a hard ass and have neglected to do this particular work for myself. My low enjoyment is indicative of my own low threshold for good.

Clinical psychologist, Rick Hanson talks a lot about this topic - taking in the good, and letting it marinate.

 

[Nydex]

Sometimes it feels much easier to forgive and be kind even to someone that has aggrieved us than it does to our own selves...I guess that also speaks to humility in a sense, as in "what have I done to deserve my own grace and forgiveness?"

What weird little creatures we are

 

[Varallo]

This thread has had me thinking about this response from @Varallo in another thread.

I wonder how we would feel in our use if we weren't fed the quite likely erroneous idea that we ought to be sober? I mean, what if people are brought more clarity by virtue of some alteration... oh wait, we already do that... we already have substances that have the claimed benefit of clarity, such as caffeine (as I sip my chai).

This is something that I constantly reflect on seeing as if I weren't worried about certain things that stem from a societal and cultural misunderstanding, then it would be easier to enjoy myself in the wild ways that I would like to. For example, if I inadvertantly screw myself up psychedelically, there's not much cultural support for that, just people saying "this is why you shouldn't do drugs," completely unaware of the nuance involved.

Now, am I addicted to drugs? At the very least to nicotine. I wonder about cannabis, but I enjoy being stoned to some extent most of the time, and I have no incentive or reason to change that. The real test would be, if I had a reason to quit, if I could or not. It's funny, because if I desired to, I'm confident I could stop, but I have no desire to, and often we operate based off those kinds of inputs.

I do lots of psychedelics because I enjoy it dammit!

Well, and because it's part of my path.

One love

I’m sober 99% of the time. I use psychedelics regularly, with a steady rhythm, usually once or twice a month, sometimes three or four times. Those experiences tend to happen close together, and after that I’m completely sober again for quite a while. I really enjoy being sober.

Though, when I’m high, I often think I’d like to feel this way all day every day, but there’s always that reminder of the responsibilities I have in life. At some point, that sense of responsibility makes me want to return to reality.

In that sense, I guess I’m a kind of poly-drug addict. I’ve been using these substances for a long time, but in what I consider a fairly responsible way, though “responsible” is a pretty subjective word here. I think some can use drugs responsibly and still with great intensity and end up fine, but for most people, using psychedelics every day will influence their life in a negative way. That would definitely be true for me. If I used them every day, it would really complicate my life. I’ve got too many responsibilities for that.

Still, compared to people who drink alcohol every day, I think I live a pretty healthy life. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t do most other substances, but I do take psychedelics once in a while. In the end, it’s a personal decision everyone has to make for themselves, is your use actually influencing your life in a negative way or not.

I think that’s where the idea of addiction becomes interesting. You can be addicted to something without it having negative consequences. I’m definitely addicted to caffeine, I need it in the morning, I enjoy it, and it has no real negative effect on my life. Psychedelics are similar for me. I need them every once in a while, and they don’t harm me. Quite the opposite, actually. They give me a sense of psychological freedom that I find very hard to achieve in any other way.

Anyway just som thoughts.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thank you at @Varallo for sharing. You're really highlighting the stark difference that can be evident between users. You and I contrast a lot.

While I've worried about it (hence this thread), I've really taken a step back to take a look. I commit the to too-much-of-a good-thing often, and in that way I can be a little to responsible (why I am dealing with burnout and overtraining) , I don't really drop the ball, and stay relatively on point.

I feel like psychedelics actually help in a good way for me in my life and especially if they are a main guest. I feel the most "normal" on micro/threshold dose days. I find my alignment often after being near hyperspace.

I think that @Varallo position is still interesting in that he still entertains the polydrug addiction idea with not very frequent use. @Varallo I know you've said a little about why you think this is addiction, but could you tell me more? It doesn't seem like addiction really.

And you highlighted one of the hallmarks, which is if it negatively impacts one's day to day life (though that's sort of a limit to the definition, see functional alcoholic).

It's also interesting, because if we were prescribed, say an antidepressant, a medicine one needs to ween from, they are not considered addicted... though it's taken daily and again one needs to ween from before ending use... sounds like it has built a physical addiction.

Shulgin might say we're all addicts. Only make a big deal out of it when it negatively impacts one's life.

One love

 

[Varallo]

I think the main difference between being addicted and not addicted, in my case, is that I use various psychedelics quite regularly, about once a week, sometimes with a two week break. Most of the time it’s a little binge of all kinds of psychedelics mixed for a period. I call it a kind of polydrug addiction because, I would really miss it and would find it very difficult to stop completely, it would feel like a painful necessity rather than a free choice.

You could call it a habit, but that doesn’t quite capture it. I spend a lot of time thinking about it, looking forward to it, and enjoying it deeply. At the same time, when I don’t use for a while, I can feel it gnawing at me, to point I actively think of ways to make room for my use, that’s why I see it as a form of addiction.

Interestingly, I notice that when I have fewer responsibilities, less work pressure, or when my partner takes on more, my use automatically increases. That, to me, confirms that it’s an addiction. I don’t think my addiction is problematic, but I do think it’s honest to acknowledge that it’s there.