Impulse Experiences: Ongoing Compilation

[Voidmatrix]

Perhaps more genuine in being more raw, but less authentic as what I said wasn't really what I meant. It's just what initially popped in my head as I read the reply.

As for where I'm currently at, I can tell you straight up. Despite what people may say they see in me, I'm pretty irritable... all the time, it's not hard for me to be annoyed.

Oooo, keep running with the "sort of intellectual engagement that tends to separate me from myself." I won't deny this. In some sense I do, mainly because I'm aware that there is so much beyond me. So, in a sense, with some "intellectual things" I don't necessarily feel like I matter. It's not about me.

Well thank you for clearing that up. This makes me reflect on something that may be pertinent to you if I share it: I've been told that I think too much, to which I like to respond with a "no, no, no, you just think too little," to whomever said that I think too much. People are typically offended by my retort, and then I ask them how they think I feel. I think how I think. Someone telling me I think too much tells me more about them and what they feel about how I think than how I actually think. I find it important that if someone feels that way [that I think too much] to be much more specific; in what ways am I thinking too much? What in my thinking is "extra" in a given context? What information that I have in mind should I potentially not have in mind and why? Perhaps I "expect too much" and it's outside another's capacity to address this. Or perhaps, I don't think too much and they probably should've kept the thought to themselves.

Mmmmm, I don't intellectualize away emotions, but I do like to have, as much as possible, as much of an understanding intellectually of my emotions and feelings as I do emotionally. I think I've shown that I don't particularly hide from them. However, this is the second time in the current discussion that this has been alluded to, so perhaps we should explore this more because you seem to have a pretty significant hunch about it.

I feel good through understanding. One way in which I come to understand is through intellectualizing.

One love

 

[ShadedSelf]

Perhaps more genuine in being more raw, but less authentic as what I said wasn't really what I meant. It's just what initially popped in my head as I read the reply.

Yeah, so, this is how people usually bond with each other. We want to be vulnerable and we want the other person to be vulnerable.
We want the raw self, the raw self is valuable.

I pissed you off. Maybe I pushed you too hard and now I get a little bit of anger, a bit of frustration from you, then I can feel a bit bad about that and we can both be on the same page and the tone of the carversation is a bit more relaxed now.

I dont know if you notice, but now it feels like you have taken some of the armor off, and here is where you open up to me either accepting you more for who you are or rejecting you and I dont know wich one is more scary to you.

I feel like we can see a lot more of that anger that just barely creeps in to the surface.

I've been told that I think too much, to which I like to respond with a "no, no, no, you just think too little," to whomever said that I think too much. People are typically offended by my retort, and then I ask them how they think I feel. I think how I think. Someone telling me I think too much tells me more about them and what they feel about how I think than how I actually think. I find it important that if someone feels that way [that I think too much] to be much more specific; in what ways am I thinking too much? What in my thinking is "extra" in a given context? What information that I have in mind should I potentially not have in mind and why? Perhaps I "expect too much" and it's outside another's capacity to address this. Or perhaps, I don't think too much and they probably should've kept the thought to themselves.

What I get from this is that it actually feels quite invalidating and frustrating.
And Im going to introduce the word rejected.
"Hey, this is how I am. I think exactly as much as I do." and you are being told that thats wrong, that who you are is wrong, basically.

Mmmmm, I don't intellectualize away emotions, but I do like to have, as much as possible, as much of an understanding intellectually of my emotions and feelings as I do emotionally. I think I've shown that I don't particularly hide from them. However, this is the second time in the current discussion that this has been alluded to, so perhaps we should explore this more because you seem to have a pretty significant hunch about it.

Maybe its a lost opportunity, but I dont feel comfortable pushing this one any further for now.
If it doesnt sound significant to you then thats fine.


Btw, how did it feel to simply say what came to mind in that reply?

 

[Voidmatrix]

That's all well and good, but sounds like a recipe for people saying what they don't mean, which seems disingenuous to me, so I'll keep thinking before I speak.

Pissed off is a bit strong (though autocorrect is pushing me the rest of the way for you), but yes, I was annoyed and frustrated.

And yep. It's also related to "fighting to be heard" wherein I'm interrupted in discourse, whether one on one or in groups. I've come to the point where if people don't want to listen, then they don't deserve to hear what I have to say and I also no longer want to share it. This sense of rejection is a familiar one. People in general are too dumb to realize that they are waiting to speak on not listening so it's not a real conversation. This vexes me almost daily.

It felt rude and indignant which isn't really what I value, but for the sake of discussion I'll loosen the reins.

One love

 

[ShadedSelf]

(though autocorrect is pushing me the rest of the way for you)

What do you mean?

Void, are other people worth being listened to?
And I dont want the thoughtful answer, if possible.

 

[Voidmatrix]

That was meant in jest, as I had to type "pissed" several times because autocorrect kept changing it.

Anyway. Yes. I think it's important to listen to others. Even if only to serve the purpose of letting them be heard.

I suppose that question can rely on context though. Sometimes it's worth it, other times not so much.


One love

 

[ShadedSelf]

Ok, I dont have the cognitive energy to go any deeper with this.

That said, if you are determined to think before speaking, thats fine, Id just make sure you are aware of what your mind wants to say, gather the data because Im pretty sure there is important stuff in there.

And Id be careful about whatever is going on with that irritability, if you dont want to lash out at people, thats understandable, but that anger has to go somewhere.
We have seen how if you loosen the grip a little bit it just starts to flood out.
So, if a situation starts to poke into that irritability, Id at least let your desired reaction play out in your head as unrestrained and intensely as you can.

I think Rude-Void is fine, and Im still not convinced that you dont, at least partially, avoid him because how that would make you feel. But I get that you dont want to put that sort of energy into the world.

 

[Voidmatrix]

You kinda dug yourself a hole.

Are you really advocating against thinking before speaking? If so, you can miss me with that and we'll have to agree to disagree. This is something that I've learned by observing others, especially my father, who used to lash out and be "raw" at the expense of others. Sorry, but I don't find that to be okay. I play out a lot of hypothetical conversations in my mind, so I am fully aware of what I want to say most of the time.

I am a supervisor at my full-time job and a psychedelic guide. I can't afford to just be rude and disrespectful for my own benefit. It's important in my life that I practice temperance.

Have you noticed that you didn't ask me what I do with my anger? You're just assuming it stays bottled up all the time.

That said, you pretty much said I was disingenuous. Interesting considering the first sentence of the post that started all of this. Where in that post did I seem to be seeking insight, advice, or anything of the sort? I wasn't. You've also been a bit off base, showing some degree of understanding while also rejecting me and not understanding me at the same time. Did something in my post trigger you? Is this about me or is this about you?

I've never avoided Rude-Void, just been working on understanding and accepting him and not letting him put out anything undesired into the medium of the world. And you may not be convinced, but it's not my job to convince you.

One love

 

[ShadedSelf]

No, I probably worded that poorly, I mostly agree with you if the purpose of such restraint is to serve others.
In terms of spontaneity, is there some other than Rude-Void that wants to come out?

And yeah, Im definitely making a lot of assumptions.

That said, you pretty much said I was disingenuous.

Can you elaborate? I dont see this one.

while also rejecting me and not understanding me at the same time.

Yep. Not doing it on purpose btw.

Ive been trying to have your needs in mind, though there are choices that Im making because I want to iron out somme of my own biases which is potentially why we are in this situation now, which Im personally okay with, I dont know if you think there is much value to this conversation.
It could still be a mistake on my part.

 

[Voidmatrix]

You seem to want me at my worst, and I'm feeling pretty angry today, so here we go.

Has it not been obvious that much of this is about how I affect others? I'm confident I've made comments about caring how I make others feel and whatnot. Also, do you think you would've worded it better if you'd thought about it more first? Which leads me to, you didn't directly say I was disingenuous, but I found your comments heavily implying such. While you didn't actually say that, I said you "pretty much" did, which isn't what I meant and why I think before I speak.

Yeah, I'd like to have a bit more fun and feel a little more free around others. Kinda covered why it's something I don't do.

Iron out my biases or yours? And ironing out for me or for you and on my behalf or on your behalf.

Part of my anger is out of confusion for why this conversation is happening. You've helped me out in the past, so as a mode of comradere and respect I've been responding. However, I'm having a hard time trusting you right now, as my post was pretty firm, more raw than usual (I said things about myself I wouldn't usually say and such, yet I haven't seen you recognize that), yet we're here in this situation where you're purposefully baiting me (such as your inflammatory comment) in what appears to be rhe guise of helping me, which I don't think my post gave any hint of such a desire. You also wanted to say I'm avoiding emotions; well I'm pissed off and still talking to you right now, so hopefully I don't have to deal with that again.

Perhaps you should share what your goal and aim is here. Because I don't get it and far as I can see this conversation has been pointless and yes not of value to me. It just makes me think of things I said in that thread and why I just go about certain things alone. You're reinforcing my point.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Impulse Experience:

Let's what happens if I just rattle off the dome with this one, as I am pretty tired and still need to fold my laundry, and I'd like some time to veg before going to bed. At the same time, it's important to record these. I'm on a roll here and typing is faster than writing, though not quite as intimate (so sharing this with you covers that base instead).

Long day. A lot on my mind with respect to my self perception, ya know trying to shift that in a "better" state and way and all that good stuff.

I knew I was going to finish what was in a bowl when I got home. I had some work related things to take care of, but was already nice and fasted, and preferred to eat while I did the work stuff. So, meditation-changa time first.

Took two hits. One really. The second one sucked everything through. I sat there thinking to myself "I guess this is as far as I'm going to go tonight," followed by a quick inner retort of, "But why, I want more." So I grabbed a jar out of my changa box, my favorite blend to be specific, packed some in the pipe, and ripped it. Didn't think much about it, and took a surprisingly large pull, mostly because I was distracted by the mini fire I started in the bowl, trying to wave it out while still inhaling with the carb closed... I noticed this. Yet, I didn't care. "I'll go as far as I go."

I felt I could see passed the iorn mask that is my self-loathing, and have reprieve from the iron suit carried; all the weight, and inner pressure. Those things. Not what they attach to. Those things themselves. The weight, the pressure, the dire sense; a conditioned response.

This isn't unknown; it's nothing new. But as the layers shed, more realization dawns. It becomes more apparent, evident, and prevalent.

Now, the question is, how well will I remember this positivity, because this depressed mind tends to forget such benefit due to its negativity bias. Is there another shoe to drop?

This one also lasted a really long time, and the primary blend smoalked has only my usual amount of harmalas in it... hmmm...

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Impulse Experience:

As the seasons change, my mood and overall well-being tank a bit for this time of year.

In an effort to explore myself more, see myself, and be more confident, I've been meditating in silence, becoming pretty intimate with a black dot that I drew on the wall years ago when I placed my altar, and with candle light.

I've turned off the music before while in the middle of a journey, but never have I started a journey in silence. Too blind to myself to realize that I would likely be fine... finicky amygdala.

My internal feelings about things have been mattering less lately, so since I had the idea, I followed through with it.

It was a very interesting experience. I was sure to take myself far enough for at least subtle visuals, even though the intent of this experience was very much to be more connected with myself, that is, I'm glad it wasn't anymore visual as I probably would've found that to have been a distraction from my goals.

With myself, stillness inside, sitting with a gestalt of emotion that gave rise to the state of the experience, I enjoyed myself without feeling bad about it. I am not as bad as I have been made to believe or that I often feel I am.

A high pitched hum, resonating for the from the first moments, a steady crescendo, disappeared without me realizing it as I noticed "hyperspace music" along with other ambient sounds of my room and other surroundings.

Reflecting, "do I feel alone" during the experience, I was met with an instantaneous "no" followed by a "you're doing great." Neither of those responses really felt like mine.

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Impulse experience:

*I had started writing this and had a good flow going until my computer decided that it wanted to restart so let's try this again.

Upon certain realizations, namely around my mental health and overall well-being, as a traverse this aspect of my life, it's been highlighted that I am ready to move forward into deeper experiences (again).

Choosing to be bare for the self-guided healing ceremony, I stripped down to my boxer-briefs, turned on some chakra crystal singing bowls, and performed a light yoga flow to get me more in touch with my body and away from my thoughts and thinking.

Next, I sat at the altar, turning the music off and staring/gazing at the black dot on my wall while Nag Champa incense burned with a eucalyptus and mint candle. The 5minutes allotted went by much faster than expected as I sat with the anxiety and nervousness about the upcoming journey.

The intent is to at least go deep enough for some visuals from now on. I went far beyond that today,actually taking myself into hyperspace and to “somewhere else.”

This wasn't a “breakthrough” mind you, but rather another one of those experiences where I was able to exist between worlds. These can be hard in that there's a lot for one's attention to move towards, but the masochist in me likes it to some degree.

As for what I saw, it's hard to say.During the come up, from one big rip of the bubble brought me plenty.But it wasn't until I decided to take a second hit while I was still fully in the first hit that things became much more vivid, putting me in “play areas” for me to witness cool things with a sense of belonging and internal resetting.

Hues of swirling pinks and blues on discrete objects, moving and fluxing in ways nothing in our physical existence does, with plenty of object inversions wherein the object would become something completely different. The experience, while helping me look at the byproducts of my trauma, also forced me to do something I don't feel I'm good at; have fun.

Time was lost, I'm not too sure how long I was up, but the entirety of the time at my altar was less than an hour but I'm confident that it was more than 30 minutes.

I'm looking forward to next time more than normal. I'm also looking forward to feeling like I'm managing things a bit better as a result of the afterglow. It really does help with my mental health, and much more than just helping me feel good(if I'm being honest, there is always some “goodness” afterwards,but I don't always feel good).

Hopefully I'll have some 'bangers' for you guys in the near future (that's what these young cats would say nowadays, right?)

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Impulse Experience:

Back so soon?! Damn right!

I'm still coming down a bit (I wish you could see how I'm typing in the moment)

With a lot on my mind, I came home from work and set up my meditation after listening to Healthy Gamer GG. I chose to do some AUM chanting for the first portion, feeling the shift in internal resonance as I produced and transformed the sounds, bringing my awareness deeply and somatically within.

Was feeling a bit weak, so opted to lie down. Picking a light on my ceiling (from a nebula light, so there's stationary stars) I stared intently, focused only on that one space until everything tunnelled out and I was just with my awareness.

About 5 minutes before the meditation was complete, I thought "why not see what happens with a big rip."

Turning on the speaker and closing the shades, there was zero anxiety, only acceptance; the decision was made.

I took a big hit, bigger than yesterday's first hit. I then laid back down. I could tell that I got plenty in my system during the come-up experiencing certain cues that let me know the inclement depth of the experience. My body became extremely heavy, initially feeling as though it may too hard to move any part of it. All the while, there were very subtle visuals, but particular, and some very familiar; spaces and things I had seen or been with before. How my body felt didn't reflect the visuals; I felt that I should've seen more. I remember having the thought, "are they f***ing with me?" which was me with a response of, "yes, we're f***ing with you." I appreciated the clarity

Then they leveled it up, having the visuals flux in contrast and vividness, and this was long after the hit had been taken.

At one point I opened my eyes, just to see how my room looked. As soon as I got a glimpse of the ceiling, my body began to shake and that was the healing. Well, there was also the incessant yawning and tearing, a purge in it's own way.

Feels good to level back up and feel that I've earned it more.

Will we get another one tomorrow? Who knows

One love

 

[Voidmatrix]

Impulse Experience:

In spite of my moodiness, it was a very productive and fulfilling day. After doing the dishes, I decided to meditate before mopping. As I was walking up to my room, I thought, "why not add some medicine to the mix."

The bowl was fresh.

Opening the space, grabbing the pipe, putting it to my lips, I stated, ever so subtly in the silence of my mind, "commit."

Rotating the flame over the top of the bowl, I took a hefty hit. So hefty, that during count 10 of my 19 count, a little anxiety popped up. I checked it quickly with laughter, and remembering that my goal is to be deeper more often; that's what I'm doing and getting.

The experience was disconnected. It was hard to get comfortable. So, I had to surrender to that.

I also had to surrender to some very distracting intrusive thoughts about some stuff that's bugging me at the moment. It's okay, it comes with the territory.

The visuals initially were varying hues of greys and black of these triangular blocks, flopping, and flipping, in a 4-D space. There was something disjointed about it. It could be felt.

As my mind rushed, I argued with myself about whether I should lay down or not (I was sitting on my zafu). I wanted to be more comfortable, but didn't want to give into the desire... I'm difficult. I ended up laying down.

The visuals were hard to make sense of, and I was still distracted. I've learned not to fight it. If that's where my mind is going to be then so be it.

There was an interesting part where what appeared to be a black guy (I mention this because he had dreads as well, and so I don't know if I was seeing some permutation of myself), move into an apparatus for a while and then back out. The apparatus was wiry with beads of color. It was a mystery, since it also popped out of nowhere, and I had to turn my "ethereal" head in order to see it (it was slightly to my left). I also don't know what the apparatus did or what changed when the figure moved out of it.

I felt good after, even if still irritated about what was annoying me. I'll just be with that too.

To reflect on something positive, it's nice to get in and get after it without so much compunction or self-doubt. Thankful to DMT, all of you, and myself.

One love